#elevate18

So, it’s April 2018! Crazy right?! I haven’t written in a while mainly because the inspiration hasn’t been there. I tried to figure out an entry just after I returned to NYC from Arkansas entitled “Home Sweet Home” about how much I LOVE New York and how I never want to leave! But even that didn’t become fully flushed out because the inspiration and love for this dirty, crazy town started to dwindle with lower temperatures and snow. Towards the end of last year, I found myself getting a little down about what I didn’t accomplish. I have been feeling stuck, so hunker down, this is a long one.

First, I didn’t meet my fitness goals. I even had a personal trainer for a portion of last year! In fact, I gained weight! And coming around that home stretch from Thanksgiving to the new year, I basically gave up all together on making any progress. I just tried not to gain any more...super lame!

Second, although I made my New York debut last year with On Striver’s Row, and worked on a web series, commercial, as well as two other theatre pieces; I did not book a show on Broadway. Now, some of you might say, “well, that’s super tough to do! Maybe you shouldn’t be too hard on yourself.” To that I say: “This is what I’m here for! I need to be focused and hard on myself! And also thank you for reminding me how tough it is.” To make things more complicated, in late October my agent and I decided to go our separate ways. We disagreed on how I’d like to see my career unfold and how he felt he could help. That was disheartening, but ultimately the right decision.

Third, Operation: “Find a Future Husband” has been exhausting and unfruitful. Dating the handsome stranger you meet on the street can be exciting and fun and also sometimes a waste of time. Online dating, I’ve decided, is simply a waste of time. So, in recent weeks I’ve decided to take a break from it all together. I’ve met some interesting and great people, but ultimately we weren’t a match...sigh. He’s out there somewhere. Right?!

I guess I’ve been feeling like I’m standing still, as opposed to making forward progress. Even a few days ago, I woke up feeling defeated that I’ve lost no weight yet and I’m eating well and working out super hard. Can’t I just drop ONE pound?! What the hell?! I’m angry. But it’s also kind of funny that all this effort and money (I joined a new gym) has gone into some sort of progress and I remain consistent if nothing else...Its almost as if what I did accomplish doesn’t matter because the things I’d put down on my vision board didn’t come true in 2017 and we’re well into the new year now. In 2016, everything came true! I wanted my own apartment and to build a home, check. I wanted to stay present in my choices, check. I wanted to find a commercial agent, check. I was knockin’ ‘em down left and right. However, I’m starting to think we can’t go into pursuing our goals with the expectations that they will manifest exactly like our last accomplishments. In 2016, the majority of my goals were things I had some control over. Saving money to get an apartment, looking for the apartment, auditioning for commercial agents, meditating daily, etc. Those were all things under my control. In 2017, I wanted Broadway and to meet my future husband, those require others in the equation. (Now, my fitness goals...ok, I’ll admit, that’s my bad. I just didn’t commit enough. Those are completely within my control and I acknowledge that.)

So, what am I going to do? Think that just because these things didn’t manifest in 2017 the way I expected, I’m a failure? Mope? Get down on myself? Cry? Yes, I did all those things. I even thought about not trying anymore, moving back home and figuring out an “easier” path through life. But then I thought, “hey, maybe dreams and goals are timeless? The only time limit on a achieving a dream is death!” Are you with me?! Yeah...I wasn’t buying it fully myself. If they’re not time bound then what are you really striving for? But maybe there’s a happy medium between an endless timeframe and giving up completely if the deadline isn’t met? I think there is. And luckily, earlier this year, my beautiful friends and my amazing brother have rejuvenated me with the motivation to refocus. They reminded me that although things didn’t turn out the way I expected in 2017, I still have accomplished a lot and am still on a path of success. They helped me see that, 2018 shouldn’t be about looking back on what wasn’t, and feeling shame; it’s about looking forward to what can be and feeling empowered. I’ve got to keep pursuing my dreams (they are ever expanding) and be grateful and excited about where I am on this journey regardless of where I “think” I should be.

With that encouragement, I’m working on being compassionate with myself and my weight. Not letting the scale dictate how good or bad I feel, but dressing well, working out and enjoying food regardless of how “bad” it is for me. I’m working on being excited about the work I’m doing even after the work is over and acknowledging that I’m one of very few people who get to live their dreams every day. I’m working on finding performing arts jobs and teaching artist jobs that are exciting, enriching and satisfying; Broadway or not. And I’m working on cultivating my own ideas and creating my own exciting opportunities. With all that in mind here are all the things I’m proud of in 2017 and for the first portion of 2018:

1. I went to Broadway Con last year because my friends are awesome and got me tickets for my bday and I found a volunteer home at Sing for Hope.

2. I performed as a finalist in the Manhattan Monologue Slam and did a piece that scared me.

3. I performed for two different theatre companies in New York and made my manhattan debut at an off-off Broadway theatre in the east village.

4. I acted in my first web series (release date still TBD! Cross your fingers it’s soon, y’all!).

5. I performed in one of the first regional productions of Fun Home at a TheatreSquared.

6. I spoke up for what kind of career I want with my (former) agent.

7. I booked two jobs for 2018 before 2017 was over.

8. In 2018, I have worked on 4 projects in 4 months and have another lined up for June, with amazing actors and creative teams.

9. I am currently performing at Lincoln Center every day for children on the autism spectrum and their families and it’s incredible.

10. Making this list was awesome and I totally recommend it for anyone feeling a little discouraged.

Are things perfect? No. Do I still wish I were a size smaller, on Broadway tomorrow and had a partner to share it all with? Yes! But am I unhappy? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Life throws you curveballs and doesn’t unfold according to a well thought out plan. But it’s not about being exactly where we want to be all the time. That could get boring. I’m starting to see a pattern that it really is about the journey. It’s about the ups and downs. It’s about keeping your light shining bright for as long as you can. It’s about loving all of yourself as often and as fiercely as you possibly can. And It’s about gratitude, good friends and family who pull you back to center and keep you focused. Just the other day I received a piece of artwork created by my cousin Francesca (shout out to Auntie Cookie for the idea and postage). It reminded me what I’m doing on this journey. I’m trying to elevate my work, elevate my family, elevate my friends, elevate my community, elevate my life. Let’s all aim to elevate ourselves and those around us. Hopefully, we can get to that balancing point where we’re satisfied and present with this moment and still aiming for the stars in the next.