I found the hair pin.

Under the bed in your old room, the one you used to stay at until... well until you were gone. 

I miss you.

I fucking miss you. So much.

And I keep wondering if you’re okay with everything, if you’re truly fine. I wonder if this was all a dream and now I’m back into reality and miss something I never had.

Isn’t this sick? I don’t want you here under the same circumstances, but I want you by my side again.

I was an idiot for ever letting you go, for acting like I was fine with you moving away from me. I don’t want to think about it, but I do and--

did you truly want to leave me? Is that it? 

Are you as miserable as I am? With to much time on your hands nd no ones to hold? I wake up at night and search for you.

You’re not here. I miss you.

unsend, 5th of June 1959

It makes him incredibly happy, delirious, in this state of mind, drunk on bliss, he kisses the sleeping Icelander. Softly, tenderly. Just fleeting kisses to his cheeks, forehead, lips. Arms around him, not to cage but to protect.

“Please stop. Not you, too, Sve…”

Some years ago, he’d have done so without hesitation, with pleasure even. And more.

It’s this old connection which hurts him, he’d always want to please Norway, with anything he can give.

Yet that’s the problem, he can’t anymore.

He would not please him to betray another.

A moment of silence, shocked and disbelieving. He could say no, should say no, and perhaps he even would, but he doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want Egill to believe he’s not wanted.

That would be a lie and he swore he’s never lying to him again. Now he loves him, truly.

That’s all he ever be. A distant memory, someone familiar enough to fall back to. Someone once loved and never truly forgotten, but cast aside. 

It’s maddening, not enough.

But all he gets. And it’s more than he might ever deserve.

He’s here; too.

He should feel loved, he should, he knows this. He loves Egill, that’s something he knows as well. And he does. With all of him. There’s nothing he would change, couldn’t anyway.

But he doesn’t feel loved.