A good friend shared her journey how she learned that she is a lesbian.
It made me reflect on how I realized I was attracted to the same gender and how similar it is in a way.
At first grade I got enrolled to an all girls Catholic school in elementary - yeah that one- and I met my first true friend, and she was the ray of sunshine in my life, she meant a lot to me and I meant a lot to her - to a point I just spent time with some other girls and it made her cry, we were in 4th grade and I didn't think it was a big deal, but I guess I was like her gf in her mind. We made up and talked about not wanting to marry or have kids, how pregnancy is scary and the only thing good about being girls is that we don't have to go through circumcision.
I moved to a different school and I lost touch with her, years later I find out she's a closeted lesbian in a very religious family and has swapped from masc presenting to femme presenting many times. We tried to reconnect a few times but her family is rather weird and I don't want more drama.
The new school I moved to had this boy - he was the male version of my best friend, everything from personality, hobbies and interests - He was loved by everyone in the school and I thought, yeah, I have a crush.kinda.
He became my best friend and I became really close to his older sister - she was just like him but a taller sporty girl and I think that's when I felt my first butterflies. She would come running up to me and squeeze hugging me and I loved every hug. Her brother became my first boyfriend because of peer pressure, apparently he told his friend he liked me and someone asked me in passing if I liked him and I just casually said "yeah he's cool" not really thinking about it. They locked both of us in a room and forced him to confess, and just to get out of the mess I said I liked him too.
He moved to another country and I feel relieved that I don't have to hear the whole school talking about him, but I still miss his sister more. I didn't realize I liked her until my late 20s.
In highschool, my good friend and long term rival was a semi out gay guy who would constantly egg me saying " lesbian, lezbo, tomboy" and it was the first time I heard those words out of the internet and I would throw back to him "gay, bakla, homo"
He called me that because I never showed interest in the "handsome" guys and Korean students in the school. K-pop was booming and every girl had their "bias". We would throw these slurs and other things. He'd call me a dyke and I'd deny it and I'd call him homo and he'd deny. In the end we were the only queers from that school and we had each other's back in the end.
I denied being lesbian because everyone in this country would present lesbians as masc short haired girls with binders and I was a long haired emo kid with interest in femme fashion and makeup.
I had many female classmates that would run up to me and squeeze hug me and shove their faces in my chest and jokingly flirt with me. My gay friend would joke that I would knock a lot of girls up if I was a guy and I jokingly said - these girls aren't my type and I'd just break girls hearts for turning them down.
Then I got more exposed to the internet and found out about... Yuri, the NSFW kind.
And that blew my whole world open and made me realize I have sexual attraction and not Aroace like I originally thought.
Early 2013 - I made tumblr and had delved into the depths of the net and was exposed to the worst of the internet, but I learned that I never liked men and would just search about women and I slowly came in to terms that... I liked women more than men. I started distancing myself from girls and I think my gay friend realized that and it was the same year when we started realizing we were... Gay for real.
I was quiet about my sexuality - if you don't ask I won't tell, but I was honest enough to admit I liked girls.
University came and I decided to be more comfortable with myself and my first year I could hear from close minded blockmates gossiping about a girl being bisexual - and I'm like, oh like me I guess, since I dated a guy before, and when they talked about the rumor to me, I said "who cares that's their business - I'm sure y'all didn't know I was either" - that eased the stress of queer pressure on her and I slowly started dressing more nonbinary and standoffish
The more guys flirted with me the more I emphasized being bi and more into girls, but it didn't stop a lot of guys so I started being vulgar in my liking to women to scare men.
Then I took a break and switched campus and met - the person who made it very clear I was gay, and I didn't know she was as well at that time. She made me daydream and gave me dreams that made me ashamed and I felt so guilty. Then I realized she was chased after by so many men, and I gave up knowing I have no place against them because I thought she was straight and it didn't help I was exposed to friends who jokingly hug and flirt with me even they were straight. I never got her signals - I never knew she was gay or liked me - I was stupidly oblivious. I fumbled a baddie big time as the kids would say.
I was diagnosed the same year with manic depressive episodes and I was taking a lot of weird mood stabilizers and I was depending a lot of my emotional needs on a ... Male Friend... Who I thought he was at that time.
I was a little crazy from my meds and in my manic stages I was open and accepted a confession from him and unofficially dated him toying with his feelings but would just talk about the girl I daydream about constantly and half jokingly said I'd leave him for her in a heartbeat.
I guess he knew it was true because he knew I didn't love him and hid that she started dating a guy - that she was leaving - that she liked me back.
That's what I get for playing stupid games.
That was the lowest I felt and crashed out and went full burning bridges and officially said I never wanted to see him again.
That's the nail in the coffin that made me realized I never felt romantic attraction to men. They were just toys to have fun with and it's still wrong for me to use them as stepping stones.
I learned to reconnect with her and I told her I truly felt and reconnected and I remembered that very day where I confessed and the butterflies had never been so intense that made say - "oh she was the one"
I was open with all my friends that time - I had a gf and I proudly said it.
One of my good friends found out and in shock asked me - "wait you're gay? Wait .... Why not date me? Am I not your type? Hahahah" in a tone like she was jokingly distraught. That took me by surprise, I thought and I know she was straight - and I just told her that "I don't date friends".
Which was kinda true which is why I had a hard time confessing to my gf at that time - not wanting to ruin what we had.
But like all good things had to come to an end as - long distance relationship had been my curse with all my relationships. I moved to another country and it was the end to our chapter.
But I'll always be thankful for my girlfriend's time and love because it was the turning point that made me realize what love should feel like and how I never truly loved anyone until I met her and all the ones after her would have a high bar to beat.
I'll be forever be hopeful for love like that but I think my heart had been satisfied and will be for a while.
When did I realize I liked women?
When did I realize I was queer?
When did I learn I was bisexual?
When did I learn I was nonbinary?
When did I learn who I love?
While writing all of these down
