Aug 15, 2025
it’s so weird basically knowing what’s wrong with you but not being able to handle it
#camera talks#i genuinely also don’t understand why I can’t get over this tho#yeah I was raised in a house that didn’t love me right#and my friends have never been genuine and I hadn’t made real connections until like a few years ago#but I should logically be able to accept love and friendship and caring right?#but no. I crave someone genuinely acting like they care about me but yelling at me otherwise. i genuinely find safety in abuse#bc that’s all I had for so long#and it scares me !!#I don’t want to be like this and I don’t know why I can get over it#but whenever I’m feeling genuinely like maybe I could get my life together and eventually people would care about me and be friends with me#in a real way#I always have the urge to run back to the safety of abuse and yelling and violence and I hate it what is wrong with me#like the abuse reminds me that I’m not a good person and it puts me in my place and it’s grounding and I miss it#it’s comforting and safe.#I wish I wasn’t like this#I’m too much and I’m too fucking mentally ill to be around people who care about me#I’m a mess#this is so stupid !!!! I’m ridiculous I really really think i deserve to be locked underground for a million years until I’m normal#or I die#eithers fine#therapists are gonna have a field day with me if I get there. Jesus Christ I’m such a bad person#it has to be tiring dealing with me being mentally ill all the time I know I am. I’m just waiting for people to realize I’m not worth it#vent#delete later
