#egg behaviour

I saw the post, and god. Oh god.

I don't know for sure if I'm still transmasc or not tho? Sometimes I feel like I should have been a guy but other times I'm fine being me. Which often leaves me confused; how can I be for sure if I'm trans or just cis and moody?

At least I could share a few things:

Because I'm latino and I live in a spanish/latin american country, even if given the chance of changing my name, I cannot choose one that would go well with my other surnames (because in here we have. Two. Of them). A lot of neutral names go hard but sadly is so rare compared to masc or fem names ;_;

My "dysphoria" (dysmorphia? Unhapiness? Moodiness? IDK????) isn't so bad in some days, it just gets bad when is either vacations or when I deeply think of it. Like I can perfectly go along with my body but there's moments where I'm too overwhelmed I ONLY think about it every day. And with vacations,,,,, to be fair I take it like what my psychologist say: is probably because I'm not busy with school so I have more time to think about myself I guess.

I CAN picture myself as a young woman, but ONLY for a few years. When I hear the word "womanhood", I feel a sense of,,,, don't know really. Dread? Uneasyness? Not too negative but not too positive. Definitely cannot picture myself as an old grandmother or some shit. I think I have to mention I don't have a good mental health, so maybe that's the reason as of the why. Or not. I don't know well.

And the last thing. The thought of being trans, especially rn, is scary. I've been hearing about what's happening with trans rights in the US. My country is kind of supportive at least, I've had a few trans friends and they're doing fine. But I fear about what if its ME and what will MY FAMILY do about it, especially my parents. I tried cutting my hair a few months ago and when my mom found out, it was the only thing she would rant about every week.

Sorry for another longer ask, I just need more thoughts. Heavy in the last part because even if it turns out to be true, I'm deeply afraid. I don't want to dissapoint anyone but I can't help but dread at how I am right now :-[

Mira te lo voy a decir en español porque así se hace más fácil para los dos… te entiendo. Todo lo que me estas contando, lo entiendo perfectamente porque yo estuve allá. Yo estuve en esa posición y yo sentí todo lo que estás sintiendo ahora.

Como la última vez, te digo que la única persona que puede tomar esta decisión eres tú. Si crees que no es seguro para tí transicionar, no lo hagas aún, pero no te reprimas para siempre solo por la posibilidad de que no le guste a tus papás.

When I was a child I had 0% dysphoria, I was hyperfeminine and my gender didn't bother me, but after adolescence everything became horrible. When I got my first period I locked myself in the bathroom and prayed to God or the universe to turn me into a boy, I wanted to cut my breasts with scissors, I started to hate anything remotely feminine, I felt gender envy and I even identified as trans. But this only caused me suffering, my parents didn't understand and I felt like I was killing their daughter, so I forced myself to accept myself as a girl (making affirmations in the mirror saying that I was a girl and that no matter what happened it would never change, forcing myself to wear feminine clothes and to come out back as a girl, etc.), and after that I feel better. It's as if the dysphoria were a monster or animal that I managed to trap in a cage. The problem is that this animal still roars and scratches the cage sometimes, so I still feel a little dysphoria, but it's not as common anymore and it's weaker. Like, once a month I cry about not being born a boy and I envy fictional male characters because I wish I had their bodies and I fantasize about how much easier my life would be if I were a man. But other than that I'm fine. I'm really confused right now and I just want to feel good about myself, but I don't know what to do. And I don't want to be trans because I tried so hard to bring my parents' daughter back and I don't want to lose that :(

If you yourself believe you're trans but don't want to be, then... well... like I said to the other anon, I think you know the answer.

I understand that the feeling of disappointing your parents can be one of the most soul-crushing things in the universe. At first, I also felt like I was killing my parents' baby when I realised who I was.

As much as the trans community likes to talk about "killing that little (dead-gender)" or referring to their old name as their deadname, in full reality, the person who you were isn't gone when you transition. You are the same person. The same memories, the same lived experiences, the same heart and soul and the only difference is that now you live far closer to the truth of who you really are.

If your parents can't see that, try to explain that to them. That you're still their child, you still grew up alongside them and are still the same person they love, just that some things are different now.

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I've been thinking about what it would be like to be a guy since I were like 14 or so, but I've heard stories about transgender people since I were like 7-8 at best. And in the process of questioning, I've met a few signs that I might be, but at the same time not?

I dreaded at the concept of periods and breasts. I remember feeling like dying when I got both of them. Back when I was younger than that, I used to go well with male classmates and when wandering around transformation tropes (I had... unrestricted internet access), I sometimes asked to myself "how come there's TFs of man to woman but never woman to man?" I also used to wonder WHY there was barely any guys in certain communities like fandoms or artists (Not in a "eh men better" way but moreso because I was curious as of the why), as well as being more curious about male puberty and surprisingly close to my dad as a kid compared to my mom. Is all weird, probably they're signs or not. I don't care.

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Part of me fears that I'm not trans because I didn't found out about tomboys/FtMs until pre pandemic (2017-2019), via youtube videos explaining it (most of the trans media I used to watch was either MtF-centric or just "man in a dress" jokes). And also because I used to like a LOT of commonly "feminine" and cutesy interests in my childhood, probably a few masc ones but mostly fem. And how do I know if I'm genuinelly trans or just a "generic puberty thing"? I mean, obviously all girls hates being girls and sometimes wishes they were boys, right? Do all people sometimes think about what it would like to be another gender?

I mean... I think I would be better if I had a flatter chest, or maybe a deeper voice along with shorter hair and a less defined waist. But hey maybe is just normal. I'm still not an adult yet (despite that I'll be turning into one this year). Maybe they'll go away once I'm 20 or something

I want to talk about it with my psychologist but I'm also scared of opening up about them. I've repressed them so badly that maybe is actual dysphoria or just a mess of feelings.

No no, people who are questioning are absolutely welcome to submit asks!!

From personal experience I myself can tell you I had a very similar experience - only difference is I did assume trans men existed pre-pandemic but I'd never actually heard of one. And especially never thought I could be one myself.

I mean, obviously all girls hates being girls and sometimes wishes they were boys, right? Do all people sometimes think about what it would like to be another gender?

Sweetie... oh... no they don't. We were the ones who did that.

I can't speak for 100% certain because I don't know the inner aspects of your life, but... it kind of sounds like you know the answer and just kinda can't admit it to yourself.

Yes, but only barely after this roast my friend fucking put me through 😭 I just wanted confirmation that I looked like an egg, I didn't think he was gonna do me like this-?