#efje

May 19, 2023

… 

I realize, now, that when I have been writing in this journal I have been addressing it to some ambiguous “reader”. I suppose that is why I am so honest, despite knowing that whatever I write here is at the mercy of the scientists to edit, destroy, alter, and otherwise twist to suit whatever it is they wish, according to their whims. They did warn me that they would see everything I record here. I even signed the disclosure form saying that they had my express permission to record it and even make it available to the public in the case of my death. And seeing as it seems they are pushing me further and further in that direction, I fear the publication of this diary may be sooner than I ever thought before this, and without the integrity I originally thought it would hold. 

Strange, how a record of my mind’s destruction will remain on after they have destroyed me. Almost like parts of me will live on -- assuming they find it acceptable to make a record of their actions available without interference. If they don’t, I don’t think it will be anywhere close to my record, or accompanied by notes wrongly accusing me of delusions… I realize this may not be the wisest place to discuss my realizations. But for some reason I feel some sort of duty to this record. To my honesty to you, whoever you may be, reader.