#effective relationships

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Build better relationships with emotional intelliegence

Regardless of what you want to achieve in life, you will need the help of others to achieve it. You need to build relationships with people who are in a position to offer you help and support. You could try and assert authority and dictate to, and bully others into doing what you want them to do. While this approach may work in the short-term, in the long-term you are going to create damaged relationships where nobody wants to help you. If you want to be truly successful, you need to build better relationships and this requires emotional intelligence.

Whereas old style management practices were based on shows of strength and exerting authority; emotional intelligence allows you to build better relationships, based on mutual respect and understanding. While the use of fear and authority tend to lead to immediate improvements in employee performance, the effect soon wears off. This requires more scare tactics. Before too long, employees are running for the exit door. When you build better relationships with emotional intelligence, the results can be startling. People like to help those whom they like and respect. They don’t need to be forced into helping them; they willingly volunteer.  Whether you are dealing with employees, management, customers, colleagues or peers; when you use your emotional intelligence to build better relationships, you create a team of people who will do anything within their power to help you succeed.

How to build better relationships with emotional intelligence

The following list will provide you with some great tips for how you can use your emotional intelligence to build better relationships and increase your influence.

1. Set an example

Be an example of the type of attitude and behaviour that you wish to see more of. If you would like to see more confidence in the workplace; demonstrate your own confidence e.g. back your decisions, tell people about the goals you are aiming to achieve and how you plan to achieve them.

Rather than waiting for people to do things wrong before correcting them; catch them doing things right and praise them for it using positive feedback.  Don’t just say well done, tell them exactly what they did right and how you, or the organisation, benefit from their efforts. This helps to create a positive, supportive environment which people want more of.

2. Learn to use your physiology

Your physiology and your psychology are closely linked. Try the following: keep looking up (not just with your eyes; tilt your head upwards) while trying to hold on to negative thoughts. It is nigh on impossible to remain in a negative disposition while looking upwards.

Next time that you are feeling confident, take a note of your body language e.g. your stance, your gestures etc. When you are feeling down, try to replicate this body language. If you hold yourself in that position, before long you will feel an improvement in your confidence levels. Top athletes and leading business men receive training on how to use their physiology to influence their emotions. They know that body language is the biggest factor in communication and that using their own physiology; they can influence their own emotions while inspiring and, motivating those around them.

3. Share

When you know someone and you feel that you understand them, you are more likely to trust them. Sharing a little bit of information about yourself and your personal life can reap great rewards and enable you to build better relationships. It never ceases to amaze me when I encounter people who have worked together for years but know little or nothing about each other’s lives outside of the workplace.

Many managers could improve the morale and confidence of their team by scheduling time, first thing on a Monday morning, to have a chat about the weekend. Just a few minutes would allow the team to let go of the weekend, get to know each other better and bond. Because the content is not work related the discussion would be less threatening. Some companies spend thousands on bonding sessions when a few minutes, once per week, would reap bigger rewards.

Note:  Emotional intelligence requires that you have the ability to determine what is suitable to share and what is not.

4. Don’t condemn; coach!

When somebody does something wrong, it can be easy to jump into condemnation mode. You may feel that you have the right to point out the errors of their ways; especially if you have suffered due to their actions. The problem with this approach is that you close down the channels of communication and lose your opportunity to influence change. Next time that somebody does something wrong to you, ask yourself ‘ Is it more important that I point out their flaws or, that I help them eliminate those flaws?’ The irony is that if you jump straight into pointing out somebody’s flaws, you will lose your opportunity to help them change.

If you are dealing with somebody with poor time management; lecturing them every time that they are late will not help. They are more likely to develop a degree of animosity towards you. If you choose the coaching approach; you choose to focus on the behaviour and end result. Rather than attacking them, it’s all about changing the behaviour and ensuring that they produce better results in future. This approach really helps you to build better relationships and is even more effective when you are also using positive feedback.

5. Put yourself forward

Don’t be afraid to be seen as an expert or, to offer your knowledge and skills. Many people feel that they are bragging when they state their qualifications or, state that they have an expertise in a particular area. Expertise is not about knowing everything; no expert knows everything about their area of specialism. It helps to have a wealth of knowledge but it is just as useful to know where to turn to for the necessary information. People are more willing to trust those whom they view as experts thus leading to better relationships.

My brother left school aged 15 to work in the family business – a butcher shop. There was one customer who, every time that my brother served her, she would ask my father to add it all up again to ensure that it was correct. There was never a mistake. It seemed that she didn’t trust him because he left school so young. Coincidentally, my father had also left school at fifteen but his seniority had earned him trust, credibility and expert status in her eyes. Expertise earns credibility in the eyes of others. If you have qualifications, experience, awards etc. don’t be shy about letting others know and, offering to be of assistance.

Emotional intelligence is essential if you wish to build better relationships which can help you to speed towards your goals and objectives. The ability to manage your own emotions is critical to success. When you broadcast positive, supportive emotions, you will get a far better response from those who you interact with. When you build better relationships with emotional intelligence, you build a team of people who are happier, better motivated, and more confident and willing to do anything they can to help your cause. It takes time, effort, patience and a little courage to build better relationships but the positive effects are long lasting. That is the power of using emotional intelligence.

New Post has been published on http://coachingpositiveperformance.com/managing-anger-8-tips-make-positive-experience/

Managing anger - 8 tips to make it a positive experience

I have yet to meet anyone who does not get angry from time to time. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger but if you want to have effective, supportive relationships; managing anger is critical. Managing anger is not just important for your relationships with others, it is essential for your relationship with yourself. Anger is often a result of distorted thinking and can be a major contributor to stress and bad health. I find that there are two key areas when managing anger- managing the situation when it happens, and learning from the situation to prevent it occurring again.

Last week was one of the most stressful weeks that I have experienced in my business. There were two situations which went badly wrong for me. One of them required some effort to find the right person to deal with the situation, while the other involved what I felt was an unacceptable level of service from one of my service providers. I felt a great deal of anger about the whole situation but thankfully, I was able to use the tips provided below to manage my anger and deal with the situation more constructively. Over the weekend, I have reviewed the events of the week and determined what I need to change to avoid a repeat. While last week was stressful, I realise that I have gotten better at managing my anger and I have learned valuable lessons.

 8 Tips for managing anger

These 8 tips will prove useful when you are managing your anger. You will be able to manage the situation more amicably and learn valuable lessons which will improve your relationships, reduce your stress and help to improve your quality of life.

1. Understand why you’re angry

Some people try to pretend that anger is a useless emotion and should always be viewed as a bad thing. This simply is not true. The first step to managing anger is to understand that anger is a natural response when you perceive a threat or danger. Rather than dismiss the anger, it is important that you take the time to understand the source of your anger. When you take the time to examine the perceived threat or danger, and determine how realistic and threatening it really is, you can then choose the appropriate level of response. You are now managing your anger rather than allowing your anger to manage you.

 2. Respond don’t react

The biggest obstacle to managing anger is that you often react to the situation without thinking. Reactions are based upon reflex and behaviourism. This assumes that there is a one size fits all solution. Of course, each situation is different which is why you must take the time to examine the situation and choose the most appropriate response. Where as a reactions is impulsive; a response is well considered, measured and appropriate.

3. Take yourself out of the situation

A lot of anger is caused by stressful situations. As the stress builds, your anger also grows. As you get angrier, your thinking becomes more irrational and in turn your stress increases further. This can be an endless and vicious cycle.

As Einstein said, you will not solve a problem with the same mindset that created it. Therefore, it is imperative that you remove yourself from the situation; reducing the perceived danger, reducing your stress levels and freeing your mind to think the whole thing through. Then you can determine the most appropriate response.

4. Remember that you are choosing your response

If you are angry, it is important to remember that you have chosen your response to the situation. It may have been an impulsive reaction but it is still your choice. More importantly, even if you have reacted swiftly in anger, it is your choice to remain angry. You can choose to remove yourself from the situation, or attempt to see things from the other person’s point of view. There are many things that you could do to the change the situation.

When you are angry, it is easy to try and force the other person to change their stance but that is not within your control. Your thoughts, your words and your actions are within your control and by changing them, and choosing more wisely you can also influence the other person to change too. Managing anger requires that you take responsibility for yourself and acknowledge that if you are going to change the situation, you must start by changing yourself.

5. Remember that belief does not equal reality

No matter how much or how strongly you believe something, that does not mean that is true. When you are angry, it can be difficult to see things from the other person’s perspective. However, the mere attempt to understand the other person’s viewpoint is often enough to diffuse even the most hostile situation. As human beings, we understand that we will not always agree. We are usually able to accept when things do not go our way, as long as we feel that we have had a fair hearing.

Two people, who do not understand each other, will never solve a dispute. When you find yourself in an argument, seek first to understand the other person’s argument. When you do this, it will be a lot easier to make yourself understood.

6. Ensure that you anger is proportionate to the situation

Anger can be very useful in so far as it lets you know what you are, and are not, prepared to accept. When you feel anger, you know that something needs to change. A large part of managing anger is identifying and making those changes. If communicated effectively, your anger can improve the quality of your relationships by letting others know the standards that you expect. However, anger must be proportionate to the situation, i.e.:

There must actually be a perceived threat or danger, and

The response must be appropriate for the threat involved.

7. Distinguish between situational and internal anger

When your anger arises due to a specific situation, the anger tends to pass quickly as the situation gets resolved. This anger, as long as it is managed appropriately, is normal and healthy. The longer the anger lasts; the more likely that the source of the anger is your own thinking. You may need to examine your own demands, expectations and beliefs. Your thinking may be distorted and unrealistic e.g. if you have unrealistic expectations of others, they will never be able to live up to those expectations and as a result, you will consistently experience anger in your dealings with others.

Managing anger always involves managing yourself but in the case of long-lasting internal anger, it requires even more effort.

8. Examine the value of the anger

When I worked in New Zealand, there was one particular customer whom I just could not cope with. There were times when I wanted to exchange a few choice words with her. I could feel the anger build but my boss, Dan, had a great question which he used to ask me at those times:

‘Will that get you the outcome you are looking for?’

What an excellent question to be asked when you are angry. It forces you to think about what you are actually trying to get from the situation and the answer is rarely a fight. When you are angry, a great question can interrupt your negative thinking and force you to think clearly. Once the pattern of negative thinking has been broken, you are able to work towards a more effective solution.

Anger should not be feared. It helps you to identify situations that need to change. Managing anger is an essential skill in modern life. With so much going on, it can be difficult to keep on top of things. It’s easy to get angry when things do not go your way. Rather than feel guilty or vengeful; focus your energy on managing your anger and learning from the situation. Managing anger effectively allows you to identify the changes which need to be made, making improvements in your working and personal lives. The 8 tips, outlined above, will provide you with strong guidelines for managing anger. Next time you feel angry, implement these tips and see the improvements.

Have you got any tips for managing anger which you would like to share? Please share them in the comments below.