#eff man

Im at a pretty low point currently. Not because I am trudging through life and am miserable all the time due to a lack of self efficacy. No. But I am feeling this strange force of change occurring in my soul and in the air around me. I am experiencing this horrible feeling of loss in terms of the friends I believed in and had trusted, and then I am also relishing in the joy of escaping to the love and warmth of my family in the coming weeks. Needless to say I am heartsick for many reasons. The biggest being that I am a person based on honor. I feel that sometimes I equate myself to that of a knight, since breaking my honor feels like Im splitting my soul into pieces. I've been lied to for most of my life, used in a constant battle of who is better at twisting the truth to suit their needs. I cannot stand to do that to someone else. Secondly, I am starting to feel that my kindness and open personality are misconstrued to mean something it's not. I honestly believe that if I am nice to someone now, they may assume I am acting in a way contrary to my actual thoughts and actions. This being said, the kind of misnomers about how I am is actually hilarious because I am a world deeper than what is accounted for at face value. I am honorable and I never break that. Anyways, lastly, I am so sadly lost in confusion in terms of the person that I actually like. Again, with this being said, I relate everything back to my ex, who was the best and worst thing to happen in my life. He taught me a ton about myself and showed me what love can be. At the same time, he also confused the fadoodlecakes out of me once it was over, for now I am lost in a sea of convoluted thoughts and sad songs that constantly remind me of him. The only other person that I have ever been comfortable with after parting ways with him is one of my absolute best friends (of which I have two at the college I attend). He's sporty, he's fucking nuts, and he is the most annoying human being I have ever met. Alas, he is my best friend and I a constantly mocked by my soccer friends (both men and women's teams here on campus) because he is such a strange individual, even though he is commonly liked amongst our peers. I love the kid and would do anything to protect him even though he's younger than me. He knows me better than most people at this school and constantly challenges me, sometimes to the point where Im close to tears from frustration. He's also the reason I got into a fight with my RA and is still the only person that will put up with my nonsense without expecting anything from me. Sadly, I feel in my heart of hearts that he and I will remain friends even though I would love to go back to being more than that. I have this feeling that even though his whole family loves me and treats me like part of the gang whenever I see them, it will only remain like that.

In all I am frustrated, hurt, excited, scared, and somewhat hopeful that maybe, just maybe, things will settle down. I am just hoping that this cloud of negativity will soon dissipate with the coming of spring and that hurt hearts can heal and be whole again. 

I have no idea how long I can keep this up.