#eesehing

I've been listening to the character songs lately, and even if they have nothing to do with this, listening to Kaito's seiyuu singing made me think of a karaoke night in which Kaito couldn't help but feel so embarrassed when singing some corny song while Seiya is right there, staring at him so beautifully, very aware of how he makes Kaito feel by doing so...

Today is one of those days in which I can't hold onto anything to tell myself I'm not a failure as an artist, professional, or even human. I've been struggling so hard lately (more than usual) that I even woke up with a swollen eye, which used to happen to me years ago when I was really anxious and depressed living in another country completely isolated.

Ironically, back then I used to think "everything will change and get better". Just like I've been told since I'm a kid, things will improve because they can't get worse. But it's veen over fifteen years of waiting for that huge change and it never arrives. I'm still the fraud I was as a kid, and I'm the disappointment I was scared of becoming when I grew older.

The other day I had a realization of how terrible it would have been for my past self to meet my current one, because it would be their most obvious evidence of how bad life would get. No, life won't get better. No, you won't be happy, you won't find love, you won't have a group of friends, and you won't have a family or a job that allows you to find or embrace it. You will be even lonelier, sadder, uglier, and more tired. You will still be a fraud. You can't still draw, so you can already give up even if you are so young, because you won't ever improve. You don't need to start writing either, because that will only increase your depression and will only work for you to prove that you are worse than anyone around you.

I wish you would have ended it all, tbh. But I don't blame you. You were hopeful, and I get it. It's just... I'm not anymore. At my age, I don't even want it to get better because it will be too late and it would only mean wasted your whole life just waiting.