#eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

Louis took hold of my hand, making sure the two of us were backing away from my mother who was on her feet, throwing her arms around in a rage, furious over the sight of me alone. I had taken Louis with me to the care home where my mother lived for support and to see my dad again, to remind him of home and maybe help him warm to the idea of going back to Rosebury, and for a few short minutes, everything had been fine. We’d greeted my father in high spirits, sitting down at the table where my mother sat, and at first, we’d been a bit disheartened because she was totally silent. That was so much kinder than her yelling like that, throwing things, so threatened by me that she gained a form of life she never usually had. “Rita, love, that’s your daughter.” A quiet carer attempted. “I DON’T HAVE A DAUGHTER!” “C’mon, Alfie, let’s go.” Louis mumbled. “Fee, please stay. Please don’t leave, you’ve come all the way here-” “We need to get her out of this room at least.” I could hear that they were talking, debating over the best thing to do, but was too transfixed on my mother to fully pay them attention, watching two nurses attempting to restrain her and get her sat down and calm once more. I had tears in my eyes, my heart felt like it was breaking, but I could not keep my eyes off her. “Alfie,” Louis tugged harder. “Let’s go! We can’t stay in here.” I just about nodded, Louis having to physically drag me out of the main room in order to escape the wrath of my mother, who was still screaming, still lashing out and shouting aggressively about how she was being lied to, how she didn’t have a daughter and I was not welcome in her home. I didn’t want to cry. I’d been expecting her get like that ever since I started going to visit the two of them once again. I had known it was coming, but it didn’t make a jot of difference. It was still as painful as it had been the very first time that she’d lost herself in fury because of me. Gripping my hand, Louis lead me down the corridor to find a quiet room we could occupy, looking out for me even though I could tell he was upset by what he’d seen too. The last time he’d seen her was just after she’d first been diagnosed, and she was still herself enough to know who he was and be able to hold a proper conversation. He hadn’t quite seen the decline in the way me and my father had, he’d just heard about it. I knew it would have been hard for him to see her that way. “In here.” He sighed, taking us off into a quiet room. He had to basically throw me onto the nearest chair before he began pacing the room, the two of us accepting some moments of silence, speechless and saddened. I felt drained, lifeless. I’d been feeling down for the past few weeks and having my mother react to me that way was simply the bitter cherry on top of the rotten cake. I didn’t even have the energy to cry properly, I just sat there staring forward blankly, so exhausted I was genuinely considering driving all the way home even though we’d only just arrived. “You okay?” Louis asked eventually. “No.” I decided to be honest, because even if I’d lied, he wouldn’t have believed me. “Shit. Of course you’re not. That was a stupid question, sorry.” “Don’t be sorry.” I huffed. “Can we go?” “You wanna leave?” “Mm.” “I mean… I think we should stay. Spend a bit of time with your dad.” I nodded, knowing full well that he was right. That experience would have been just as if not more awful for him, and me leaving immediately afterwards wouldn’t make him feel any better. I nodded and sighed. “Yeah, you’re right.” “I get why you want him to come home.” He sighed, running his hand through his hair. “This can’t be making him happy. He needs a break. Fuck, I’ve been here five minutes and I feel like I need a break.” “He doesn’t listen.” “Then you’re gunna have to stop giving him a choice.” “What? Well what the fuck am I gunna do, Louis? Threaten him?” “Of course not, but set a date and tell him he has to. Make an event that he’d feel bad not coming back for.” “It’s not even my birthday until August!” “It doesn’t need to be your birthday, we’ll think of something else. Maybe… something to do with the shop, I dunno, but something.” We heard footsteps coming down the hall, Louis rushing to finish his point. “We’re gunna get him home and cheer him up. We’ll figure it out on the drive back.” My dad walked into the room just as Louis had finished speaking, and as soon as I saw the look on his face I leapt to my feet. He held himself together all the time. He always forced a smile and he always saw the silvering lining. He was so damn good at holding his nerve and holding it all together, so much so that I couldn’t even recall a time where he’d fully broken; where he’d properly let it all out and cried and admitted that he was in pain. I’d seen him close, but I’d never seen him completely let it fully engulf him. But when he walked into the room then, he had tears in his eyes, his whole body looked frailer than it ever had before, and I witnessed him break. I ran to him, colliding my body with his and holding him as tightly as I could, releasing horrific sobs as the two of us wept, accepted it, gave his sorrow the life it had been fighting for. It had never felt so satisfying to hear him cry.

“There’s nothing wrong with being sensible, Rob!” Louis whelped, my dad throwing his head back with laughter. “I can be daring when I wanna be, but when it comes to looking after the people I love, yes, maybe I take a few more precautions than I should. Or than are necessary.” “Louis, I recall a time when you were both really little, and you brought a pillow from home to the park to put at the bottom of the slide, because the last time you’d been there Alfie cut her knee.” “That’s just… good sense.” Louis had really been the perfect person to put a smile back on my dad’s face. As good as it had been to see him cry, it was even better to see him smiling and laughing again, reminiscing over mine and Louis’ childhoods and how he’d always been so cautious when it came to his loved ones. I, however, still didn’t quite feel like smiling. My mind was overwhelmed with thoughts, of my dad, my mother sat in the other room. And Harry. I kept thinking about Harry. He'd been gone for over a month, and contact had been sparse. I didn’t know where he was, what he was doing, why it had taken so much longer than he’d originally hoped, all I knew was that he missed me because that was all he’d said. Every few days, I’d receive a text, but he hadn’t called me or answered when I’d called him. Even when I replied to his texts, asked how he was, when he was coming home, he wouldn’t reply, he’d just text again a few days later, unrelated to what I’d said. I kept looking back over the things he’d messaged me, fucking torturing myself. I miss you. I’ll be home as soon as I can, I promise. Don’t worry. Fuck I miss you. I’m really missing you. Wish you were here. I wanna come home. Please don’t worry. I know its been longer than I thought but I’ll be back as soon as I can. I fucking miss you. It was so easy for him to say that I shouldn’t worry, but the lack of information made that literally impossible. But it had even gone beyond the point where I cared to know, all I wanted was for him to come home, come back to me. I missed him more than I could even begin to describe, and the fact I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk about it with merely added to how awful it felt without him around. I didn’t know what was happening, when he’d come back, and I didn’t have a person who could understand it. But thankfully, Louis knew me well. Maybe not well enough to figure out what had been going on with me and Harry, but well enough to notice that I desired a little time alone with my father so I could speak to him. Once their conversation ended and their laughter died down, he shot me a small wink, getting up to his feet. “I’m gunna go make some drinks and see how Rita’s doing. Do either of you want anything?” “Tea would be good.” My dad nodded. “I’m fine, thank you.” He scuttled out of the room, and as soon as he had my dads head turned to me. I think he’d been waiting to ask why I’d been so downbeat. “Everything alright?” “Mm. Suppose so. Everything okay with you?” “I’m glad you’re here. Would have been a hard day if you weren’t.” He sighed. “Doubt it. She wouldn’t have lost it if I wasn’t here.” “She would.” He said bluntly. “Unfortunately, she’s like that more often these days. She gets angry about a lot of things. Scared. It happened with me the other week.” “Really?” I ached. “She didn’t have a clue who I was. It certainly wasn’t the first time, but it was the worst. Heart-breaking.” “M'sorry.” He shrugged, aware there was nothing we could do, trying to accept the fact his own wife who he had known for so many years, someone he had vowed to spend the rest of his living days with didn’t even know who he was anymore. She’d have her good days, but it seemed that now most of their marriage and his time in her life, no matter how long, simply wasn’t there anymore. He hadn’t always lived in Rosebury like she had, but he’d been there since they were both rather young. I’d hoped he had filled pages on her bookshelf that were low enough to stay there until the end. It clearly wasn’t the case anymore. “Dad, how old were you when you moved to Rosebury?” I asked. “Um… Early teens, sometime around then. I think.” “Did you meet mum straight away?” “Pretty much. I met her at school.” “You’re really buried in her memories, dad. I know… sometimes it can seem like that’s gone, but it’s never really gone. It’s just… lost.” He managed a smile, reaching out and taking my hand in his, squeezing tightly to show his appreciation for my words. “Thank you, Fee.” Quickly, something else came to mind, something I’d been wanting to ask him since arriving but I didn’t know how to approach it. “Did you… know anyone called Julia? When you were younger?” “Hm. It’s not ringing any bells.” “What about mum? Did she ever mention a Julia?” “I don’t think so. Why do you ask?” “You remember Harry? Who I brought here back in December?” “Mm?” “It’s his mum. She… She was born in Rosebury. M’not sure how long she stayed but… I dunno. I was just wondering if you might have known her. Don’t say anything in front of Louis. Harry’s… private.” “You two must be very close then, if he shared that with you.” I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I just couldn’t! The time when I’d been there with Harry and my dad had grilled me on it, I hadn’t even felt like there was anything to keep in. My cheeks must have been bright red, staring to the ground and trying to hold my smile back before I made an absolute fool of myself. My dad leaned forward, clearly rather animated over what he was learning. “I knew it.” He gasped. “Again, keep it to yourself.” I let go of his hand to cover my face, feeling bashful. “It’s a secret.” “Why?” “God… I don’t even know. With Harry, everything’s a secret.” “Is that a problem?” “Not a problem, just… different. I guess it’s a bit more complicated than I’ve been used to, but he’s worth it. I like him so much, dad. So much.” I literally felt my shoulders deflate, finally saying it out loud. My whole body relaxed with the feeling of someone knowing just a little something about what had been going on with me and Harry, the way I’d been feeling. I suppose that was one of the many reasons I was so ready to tell all my loved ones that me and Harry were together. I’d never been much good at keeping things from them in first place, it didn’t come too naturally. But I wanted to feel that same relief all over again after telling my closest friends. I knew it would feel even more satisfying, I just hoped that Harry would feel the same way, even if he didn’t expect to. “He seemed like a really decent lad.” My dad spoke gently. “And I liked the way he was with you.” “What d’ya mean?” “Just… the way he looked at you. How caring he was.” “The way he looked at me?” I reddened. “Yeah. Let’s just say it wasn’t difficult to spot how highly he thinks of you. I got a very good impression, that’s all.” “Good, I like that.” “You should bring him here again. I’d like to grill him properly, now I know you’re an item.” “No grilling, you have to be gentle with him. If you’re worried he’s another Sam, I can guarantee he’s not.” “Glad to hear it.” As much as I was enjoying talking about it, finally, I suppose I could also blame the twisting of my stomach on how vocal I was being about him, about us. It was a double edged knife, one side sharp with the pain of staying quiet and the other side sharp with the agony of talking about someone who I missing so fucking much. I needed him to come back.

Cringing and cursing, I apologised to the car behind me as much as I could, my beetle eventually revving back to life just before the lights turned back red, our journey home finally continuing. “This car isn’t gunna last much longer.” Louis snorted. “I’m not getting rid of her. I love this car.” “It’s an accident waiting to happen!” “Shut it, Mr Sensible.” I grinned, expecting nothing less from him. “You need to take more risks in your life. Push the boat out. Throw caution to the wind.” “Don’t turn this round on me, Missy! I do enough.” “Of course you do.” I chortled. Despite the rocky beginning, and with large thanks to Louis, the day had actually been a rather pleasant one. It was good to see my dad laughing again, proper laughing, and it was good to see him talking about his days in Rosebury without seeming so wistful; like the discussion was hurting him and all he could really think of was his past life with the woman he loved, when everything had been better, before things got so chaotic and challenging. Instead, he’d seemed happy, like he was enjoying recalling those days and the time we’d had. “Thank you for today.” I said, eyes on the road. “I think you’ll have really helped with the whole… getting him to come back to Rosebury plan. That’s the happiest I’ve seen him for ages, so thank you.” “No worries, my pleasure. I actually really enjoyed it. Seeing your dad, that is. Sorry your mum wasn’t too good today.” “Hm. I’m not sure she has any good days anymore, really.” “That’s shit. Fuck that disease, man. It’s so cruel… I dunno, it hardly seems real. I can’t wrap my head around it. It’s awful.” I knew what he meant, somehow. It was so difficult to comprehend the symptoms, the way her mind was slowly disappearing in the way it was, how all her loved ones, all her memories, were all just evaporating into nothing. It would only be so long before the very basic things went too, her ability to clean herself, walk, even talk. Soon, it would all go, every lesson she’d ever learnt vanishing to leave a body void of most signs of life. I hated looking forward that way. It was just as painful as looking back. “Can we talk about something else?” I asked, wanting to avoid tears. “Sure. Sorry.” “It’s okay.” “So… Um… Well, I think I’m in love with Libby.” The fucker was lucky he’d said that when we were on a relatively wide and quiet road, or there would have been a very good chance of me swerving the damn car and making sure the two of us never made the journey home, and my poor excuse for a car wouldn’t have been the reason for it. “WHAT?” “CAREFUL! Eye’s on the bloody road, Alf! Jesus wept!” He practically took the wheel into his hands for a few moments as I lost my cool. “You’re in love with Libby?” “Yep, pretty much.” “What the fuck? When did you realise?” “Well, we had sex last month and I knew then, really.” “YOU HAD SEX?” “Alfie!” He cried, fearing for his safety. “I am not even kidding, I’m gunna have to pull over, holy shit!” As soon as the road allowed, I pulled us over, nestling my car into the side of the country lane, ahead of a large metal gate keeping some cattle at bay, turning my engine off and placing my hand on my chest to gage the ferocious beat of my heart. With my mouth wide, I finally turned myself around so I could look at Louis, who was looking rather coy in the passenger seat. “What… the fuck.” “I mean, I guess I’ve always been in love with her really. I’ve only just figured that out though.” He pondered, looking out the front window. “She loves you too, right? Fuck, please tell me she loves you too.” “I hope so. We’ve not… said it, but… I dunno. I think she does. I really fucking hope she does, ‘cause I’m gunna tell her soon, that’s why I wanted to talk to you.” “Oh my god, it’s actually happening. You pushed the damn boat out.” “The boat is lost at sea, mate.” He sniggered. “I’m gone for her. Fucking gone.” I wanted to cry I was so happy for them. Even though I’d been stunned when I’d first learnt about their kiss on New Year’s Eve and the chemistry they shared, it still somehow felt like a long time coming. I suppose there had always been a chemistry there, all it had taken was one moment to realise its full potential. I knew she loved him. She hadn’t needed to say it out loud for me to know, and I doubted she had even managed to say it to herself, even still. But I knew she loved him. I knew it. “This is fucking amazing!” I yelled. “So… What the fuck? You had sex? Was it good?” “Unreal.” “Knew it would be. It’s because she’s the love of your life. Wait, have you two been fucking for the past month?” “Yep.” He admitted. “You cheeky bastards! I can’t believe you’ve both managed to keep that hidden, to be honest.” “We both wanna tell everyone. It’s ridiculous, I can’t keep secrets from you lot.” He gawped. “So basically, the plan is for me to tell her I’m in love with her, and then we’ll tell everyone what’s happening and… I guess she’s just automatically my girlfriend then, fuck knows.” “She’ll be pretty much your wife at that point.” “Chill out.” “You know I’m right.” I scalded. He laughed lightly, shaking his head but not in a way to quarrel with what I was saying, more like he was trying to shrug it off even though we both knew I was probably right. They’d known each other and been so close for so long, it would take something huge to break the love they’d been subconsciously building together for years. I wondered if that made it harder for both of them to keep things to themselves, their private affair only lasting a month or so before they were both more than happy to talk to their friends about it. I couldn’t compare their situation with mine and Harry’s because their foundations were enormously different to ours, but I loved that sense of excitement Louis had rather than fear and trepidation. He wanted people to know, and I could only hope that the birth of their romance would inspire Harry when it came to being candid about ours. I lay my head back against the rest, a smile creeping upon my lips. “I’m so happy for you.” I told him. “Thanks, Alf. I’m happy for me too.” I couldn’t quite wrap my head around the change that we would see from them, our lives continuing as normal, seeing them in the same places we always had but acting just slightly differently with one another, holding hands, sharing kisses, being openly and happily in love. It was a nice thought. It was a really nice thought.