things from this stay that ive realized/learned
sometimes you need to tell yourself "no"
white knuckling is okay sometimes. it isnt a long term strategy for any and all situations but if the alternative is giving in to your every whim then by all means, white knuckle away
it's fine to people please if it gets you to move towards your goals and you eventually replace it with more sustainable reasons to do recovery things. whatever gets the ball rolling is fine. it's all fine.
having an eating disorder (and acting on behaviors, for that matter) is not a punishment for being a bad person or a moral failure. that's the stigma talking. having an eating disorder is neutral, but the harm it causes is not.
I can have goals and dreams. a better future is possible-- if I work for it-- and the future starts now.
the price of thinness is extreme depression and suicidality and health issues and job losses and relationship strains and misery so deep that it lead to very desperate acts. it was never worth it.
healing doesn't happen in isolation, and it is active, not passive. it takes community and it takes intention, and while I don't always have to want it, i do have to be willing to participate even if the willingness is only a tiny drop in an ocean of despair.
being sick isn't what makes me special or wanted or needed. actually, I am both special and ordinary at the same time. you know, I'm just one person on a pale blue dot, but to at least someone i am everything.
my death would cause irreparable damage to the people I love most, and I am not willing to cause that much harm to anyone, especially not to them.
I am not uniquely doomed.
