#edwin mcclellan

He must therefore have lived for thirty-five years, waiting for the proper time to die. I asked myself: ‘When did he suffer greater agony— during those thirty-five years, or the moment when the sword entered his bowels?’

A dark shadow seemed always to be following me.

When at last it became clear to me that I could not remain in the prison much longer, and that I could not escape from it, I was forced to the conclusion that the easiest thing to do would be to commit suicide. You may wonder why I reached such a conclusion. But you see, that strange and terrible force which gripped my heart whenever I wished to make my escape in life, seemed at least to leave me free to find escape in death. If I wished to move at all, then I could move only towards to my own end.

Please understand that though I might have seemed to you to be leading a uncomplicated, humdrum life, there was a painful and unending struggle going on inside me.

Though I had resolved to live as if I were dead, my heart would at times respond to the activity of the outside world, and seem almost to dance with pent-up energy. But as soon as I tried to break my way through the cloud that surrounded me, a frighteningly powerful force would rush upon me from I know not where, and grip my heart tight, until I could not move. A voice would say to me, ‘You have no right to do anything. Stay where you are.’ Whatever desire I might have had for action would suddenly leave me. After a moment, the desire would come back, and I would once more try to break through. In fury and grief, I would cry out: ‘Why do you stop me?’ With a cruel laugh, the voice would answer: ‘You know very well why.’ Then I would bow in hopeless surrender.

It was this sense of sin that led me to feel sometimes that I would welcome a flogging even at the hands of strangers. When this desire for punishment became particularly strong, I began to feel that it should come from myself and not others. Then I would think of death. Killing myself seemed a just punishment for my sins. Finally, I decided to go on living as if I were dead.

There is no doubt that in a sense, I had been waiting for such a chance to prove to myself that I was not totally useless. For the first time since my retirement from the world, I was able to feel that I could still be of some use to others. There is no way to explain my state of mind, except to say that I was seeking a means of atoning for the wrong I had done.

I was saddened by the thought that she, whom I loved and trusted more than anyone else in the world, could not understand me. And the thought that I had not the courage to explain myself to her made me sadder still. I was very lonely. Indeed, there were times when I felt that I stood completely alone in this world, cut off from every other living person.