#edspeaks

In reality, it’s all summed up in a few words: it’s hard and it blows.

I’ve been trying for months to summon up the courage to do so, but a physical procrastination takes hold of me. Delay, delay, delay rings in my head, but I know it only postpones the inevitable. I’m not avoiding an issue, just needing to deal with its aftermath. Who knew clicking and tapping a few electronic buttons would be so hard?

I never thought it would be.

I remember the good times, the memories, the places where so much positive emotion was experienced. Places where bad emotions were experienced. The times where I was reminded of my shortcomings and reminded of my blessings. The times where rage was plastered over with fake smiles and ne’er-do-well pleasantries because I knew I’d never be in the situation ever again.

It’s not the bad times I remember, nor the money I’ve lost over the years., Money lost not to bad financial decisions (sort-of) but to a friendly generosity that will never be experienced by anyone because of how it was abused and squandered.

I do remember the good times, and those are some of the most cherished things that I own. And now I’ll have the chance to re-live some of them with others, which feels like a strange treason. It doesn’t get easier, but it gets less shitty over time.

Right now, times are good, and while I know it’s hard to progress forward and leave the familiar behind, it helps to know that I’ve been here before. “I know this room, I’ve walked this floor.” While it’s hard, the reward is in the courage to move ahead.

And it starts today... maybe.