#edlabuhay

He first asked how was I doing for weeks both in professional and personal aspects. I admitted that I have difficult times as the system’s changed as we started of 2018. I also shared my frustrations with him like how I can start a basic conversation as I am having a hard time doing that, and he gave me tips. I also shared what I would like to achieve as a person, for instance, participating a statistical training which will be lead by PSRTI. He offered me to go to training and in return, I will be sharing what I have learned to my colleagues. It’s like basically tutoring, but we at the company called it cross-learning collaboration. I quivered as self-doubts pull me back.

First off, I told him the training’s too pricey. He didn’t care as he smiled at me and told me that he has plans for me. He also added that Miss Kat has plans for me as well, and it made me nervous and challenged even more. As I thought of it in bed, I worried leaving my work behind for the training. Like, I would always go half day as I attend the training. I worried about my team especially in research aspects. Half of me says, “Pursue it cos you will miss the opportunity if you keep hiding in your shell.” Further, I worried I may not disseminate what I learned to my colleagues clearly. I am aware that most of them hate statistics stuff but is essential in research. The challenge is how will I get them into learning stat stuff when I am aware that they hate it, what would be the easier way to teach them?

Posting this raw barkada photos from grad pictorial cos I missed being a college student. I missed those 'pasukan na naman' moments cos by next week, pasukan na sa univ kung saan ako grumaduate. As for me, apply-apply ng trabaho at kung anong natutunan during student days (kung me natutunan hahaha char). I also missed talking to them about lovelife, green and math/stat jokes, study habits, and other sprinkles that makes life more interesting.

So he confronted me with why's in his mind. "Why are you this way? Why, if we don't have any topics to talk about, do you just stare back at me and do/speak nothing? Don't answer me with your 'I don't know what to say' statement, I'm fed of it. I know you have some things you want to talk about." And that hit me. I bursted into tears simply because he was harsh and I was hurt. Honestly, I don't know what to respond or feel. No. I was confused with my emotions so I just cried. I just wanted to walk a way at that time and cry where he won't see me but he didn't let me. It also made me think that I am social anxious though I'm not sure if I am. He wooed me though he was depressed. I had this thought maybe he found me boring so our relationship tonight is going to end but it didn't anyway. He was sad because I wasn't an open book to him unlike his ex who chats all the way (Darn that ex, I think she's great than I am especially with people).

With all his why's and wooing, my answer was "I'm having a hard time catching up", though I haven't given much thought what I meant to that. But here's some of my theories:

Maybe it's a first to me that someone actually care (especially on a woman-man relationship level) since my ex-boyfriends were douchebags who only cared for themselves. When I was in a relationship with them, I did opened up but always got flushed away so I kept all I wanted to say to myself or put it into my diary so I could lessen burdens in my heart. Never would I have thought that it would affect my present.

Second is I am an introvert. I realized I am when I entered college since I was friendly back in high school and openly chatted about my life back then. Frankly, I found it hard being friends with my blockmates in engineering though I had them for a year (or two semesters). I couldn't detect what's the problem until fate made me shift to another program. As I grew to the BSAM program, I realized that you can't just openly tell your whole story to everyone since your words might be of use as a weapon to destroy you. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't talk much during my engineering days. That, until now, is what I believe which makes me unconciously distant to people.

Some Chinese: Nee hao ma? (How are you?)

Me: Inihaw na

Behind the scene/idea:

Dios mio! Naistress akong mag-isip ng creative shot ko kase sa dalawang kaklase ko eh naka-gown sila at pang-debut ang theme samantalang sa isa jusko po pinakita niya ang kanyang ABS - A Big Stomach with some hairs. So napressure ako (di naman po sa patalbugan pero competitive kami char hahaha). Kala ko nga ilalabas ko na si Badong (my crossdress alter ego) at dahil nakakulot ako, edi hinayaan ko muna syang matulog. Dapat talaga magcocosplay ako kaso no budget si acq03H dahil daming gastos due to requirements sa clearance. Haaayyyy!! Buti nairaos naman yung pictorial (grabe init ng suot ko po kahit naka-aircon).

Naistress din ako sa katawan ko kase fitted baka lalabas na tiyan ko na parang buntis pero buti na lang besides curves sa harap, may curves pa ko sa sides at back. Yung nasa likod po nagdala (which is my bum) haha. Pati na rin sa mga poses! Gosh! Niloloko ako ni Mika na magsexy pose ako. I was like WTF photoshoot ba ng FHM ba itey? Una si Lloyd (yung ABS man) then ako?!?! HAHAHAHAHA NOOOOO WAY! Buti na lang nagsusuggest si koyang photoman at binigyan pa ko ng payong for photoshoot.

It was the first Saturday of 2018 and I was nervous how it would turned out - whether my parents would say "yes" for my trip which I lied about (I told them I was with my officemates rather than my boyfriend and his officepals since they knew I broke up with him; anyway, it was a long story), how will his officemates react if they saw me, what will I be doing together with them, and the worrywart's list went on. I was so close of getting a "no" from my parents as I was bitten by our office dog the day before the trip, and even suggested that I should rest but I insisted to go. Hey! It's Calaguas and I haven't gone in Bicol region, plus it would be my first trip with my beloved so I really don't want to miss the opportunity. Further, the payment was not refundable (I think).

Worrying about the dog bite which I got cured and vaccinated was the least priority as I was worried of not arriving on time and missing the trip. I was running late and had to go to my dorm to arrange my clothes I should be bringing for the trip. Tummy rumbled but did not bother. He kept me posted of who was arriving.

As I was miles closer and closer to MOA where our meeting place was, heart went up and down that I even froze the moment I was about to turn right to Starbucks. They were waiting in front it, he was with his officemates. I was this shy, awkward girl approaching them with only one liners coming out from my mouth the moment he introduced me to them. I did not know how to act as I was introduced by him as his "friend" so I should act one. We had little talks before we departed while buying some meds for the trip, and planned that we should not be touchy or whatsoever that may lead to the idea that I am his girlfriend (or was I the only one thinking that I should be normal friendly with him cos he said he did not mind?).

Fast forward to the trip, we were at the left back seat. His hands went to places like embracing me with one arm and holding my hand while inside the van. I was worried that his officemates might saw the thing but he did not mind and told me it was okay. I remembered I slept on his shoulders which I was bothered about!

We arrived at Calaguas island at 10 AM with a two-hour boat ride from the main land. The waves were harsh as we got splashed and soaked nth times. We even saw two rainbows that left us inspired that it would be a good day for swimming and tanning. His two girl-officemates showed some skin but I didn't, though he was looking forward to it as I was conscious of my flaws (my summer bod ain't ready yet, haha!).

We had alcohol after lunch and played a card game wherein we had to take shots depending on the cards we picked. We had plenty and were dizzy after the game. We played another game that would make us even dizzier like caterpillar, and "salok-tubig" using our body parts without squeezing clothes.

Our actions also became intense as we spent the day at the island. We were always close to each other, he took glances at me (not just ordinary ones). We were holding hands in almost everywhere we went. I even hugged his leg as I snoozed off due to fatigue and alcohol while he was playing the guitar on his feet at night, which did not end the "scandal" from there. He even let me lay down on his thigh while he and his officemates chugged another bottle of Emperador! From how we acted that day, I knew that our affection to one another was evident to their eyes in which he did not deny it (I did not know if he confirmed it as he only laughed all the teasing off).

We shared his tent together, his pillow and blanket - and it was my first time ever to share a single tent with a guy. He even hugged me while sleeping. Silly little me became bothered again of what his officemates would be thinking, but he did not mind and told me again it was okay.

Morning before we departed from the island, we collected shells and rocks while having some conversation. It went from random stuff, our plans with each other, and to romantic but "bolero" stuff. I told him that his officemates were thinking weird stuff about us as I heard them at 3AM. For the nth time, he told me he did not mind and instead was grateful that he spent time with me and had our another first's. He apprised that it was the first time he brought his girlfriend at the beach without the presence of his family. I couldn't help it but smile upon hearing it and complimented him "bolero".

I became less and less conscious of my actions as I just enjoyed the scene. It was also a missed opportunity for me as I did not communicate well with his officemates to cope up with my social awkwardness. I did not get to ask Demos, his officemate who is also a freelance voice actor, about voice acting and stuff as I let my shyness shone away. However, it was a fun experience as I de-stress myself while listening to the ocean waves and be one with nature. Further, spending the day (more than 24 hours actually) with him though I borrowed him often from his officemates was an accomplishment for us as we only spent half days or less together.

It's that time of the year wherein I do my annual year highlights. Before I list down what happened this year, I officially proclaimed 2017 as my year for growth as I learned lots this year. I can't deny the fact that it has been good to me. Though there were some punchings that brought me to tears, those were necessary to make me stronger. Thank you, 2017, your memories will never be forgotten as you are my friend. [curtsies]

And since there were only couple of minutes left, I am now listing down my ultimate throwback list for the year 2017:

Thesis days. Those scratchy sleepless nights preparing for thesis defense, the "Andyan na ba si [insert name of thesis adviser/technical critic]?" questions that we often hear down the hall just to get the papers signed, those kaba-kaba moments whenever we stand in front of our panel to present our paper... I just can't enumerate other details as there were too many! But as we made our paper, I've learned to be patient of my output (cos most of the time, I don't have that spirit). Having an award as we presented our paper at our college's student research forum was a plus, but I guess that was God's way of saying, "you wouldn't know that your research will effect people, here's a recognition for you." Sweet!

Graduation. Say goodbye to those (unsure) grad-waiting sayings as I graduated this year, baby! Actually, I was unsure if I would be able to graduate in May this year, but with the encouragement my batchmates and loved ones gave as well as a little push from my department's faculty, I did it on time. I remembered I was late on my graduation day that I thought of extending a semester (kasi may sabi-sabi na kapag 'di nakapagprusisyon, 'matic hindi na gagraduate). I did the walk and finally got my dream diploma. <3

Job hunting. After graduation day, my mind went "Ano na magiging trabaho mo, bes?" I even re-evaluated myself a couple of times if I was fitted for the job. Most of my applications were failures as I did not hear from the company of what happened to my applications. I got some job offers though, however, I did not like the job description once I learned about them until I finally got one that was and is still challenging for me, haha!

The RA job. So I got one after four months of patiently waiting and praying prior to my graduation rites. And the job I got is challenging for both professional and personal growth as the company I got in seeks greater heights. Actually, I was still bothered of how did I actually get this job as I knew I did not do well on my presentation round (there were three rounds: the interview, the exam, and the research presentation, that is, if you were applying for a research analyst position). But I'm glad I'm still at the company and am hoping that I would last.

Tiwala camp/Welcoming party. A month after I got in, a welcoming party was waiting for us during our Tiwala camp in Real, Quezon Province (we did not know we were heading in QP until the day we departed) and everyone was wasted. Our security guards went wild at the pool while chuggling on wine and hard drinks, some were singing half-awake due to the alcohol's influence, and there were things that cannot be unseen nor unheard but should be buried within the company's premises. Though our welcoming performance was a total face-palm, diverting from city to cool province scene was a sure way to de-stress our minds and souls.

Dorm life. Commuting from P'que City to Cavite for two to three hours a day sure was exhausting as week one turned to weeks three, four, turned to a month. I realized that commuting was fun, however, was consuming your energy until you got drained at work. So I insisted my parents to rent a bedspacer for me and it came true. Now, I'm having a roommate who's my ex-classmate from my ECON subject back in college (which was unexpected for us two), hope that we get along [fingers crossed].

The account switching. I have experienced two switches from October up to the recent one which happened last month. The first one was challenging as a former member of Account A as I did not get switch up, however, I felt the urge that I needed to step up and help Glenda (who was a semi-senior for Account A) teach newbies of how this account revolve. This gave me an opportunity to learn more about this account and got to (super) appreciate it. The second and recent one was I got switched to Account B. It was difficult at first cos there were lots of adjustments (till now, I guess) as I was accustomed to Account A. My team at this account were dependable that sometimes they even took some of my tasks whenever needed that I became frustrated of myself. This experience made me look for opportunities to earn techniques when doing research.

Halloween party 2017. Though my costume was a failure as I did not achieve my look in mind, the experience was totally worth it. I was supposed to look like a cracked doll but then time was up and I did not have someone to do my makeup, I did my makeup simple and went from failed cracked doll to someone in Victorian era. Glad I did not end up in chamber though haha! I guess the fun part was when we play games. That tagu-taguan ended up sparring scaring security guards for me as I searched the empty, dark office for clues (yep, that's how we do our hide-and-seek).

The talk. Honestly, I went from kilig to tears whenever I did this with him and I don't know why haha! The first one was with our TF: Acceptance as we had to share what we could not accept in life yet with our learning partner (and I was partnered with my crush!). I told mine first then the next thing I knew I was bursting into tears (hell, I looked ugly in front of him!). After, he told his stories then cheered me up. Thought that was the first and last until I got depressed and needed someone to talked to so I sought for his ears and advice, and cried again. This time, I thought I saw him wiping his side tear while hearing me out. Guess that was the first time I think I 'touched' him and it was an achievement for me as this was the first time I ever talked to someone I am crushing on.

Christmas lean team. Being the lean team means expecting less work, more chilling mode until requests and unexpected happenings came for the week. This was the time I went reliever mode for Account A originally on Tuesday and Thursday only, that it became from Tuesday until Saturday due to Hania's leave. I was handling two accounts then that I did not know what tasks from which accounts should I do first. It got tougher as I spent my Saturday shift with only Joshua, and only us two were at the office doing reports. I admitted we were 'sabaw' as we stayed on the morning of Christmas' Eve. I was happy that we got to finished all up before Christmas.

With this experiences this 2017, I hope 2018 will make me a lot stronger, wiser and braver that I could distinguish myself to the old one. Though I'm a bit nervous as I know 2018 will be a tough one for both professional and personal life, I hope I could make friends with it as I did with 2017.

Ending this list with bangs and cracks and hopes for a better life.

I went to our sleeping quarters called Tent City (since it’s full of tents haha) searching for him. I lastly stumbled upon a tent fully zipped (doubting there was sleeping inside). When I unzipped it, I found him half-awake and was surprised of me. He thought I was some kind of ghost! And here's the catch, though lying down with bed hair, I cannot help but squeal internally. My heart skipped a beat that I want to shout it aloud. But remaining calm, I told him that our CEO needs a report to be sent by him. He then agreed.

After waking him up, I quickly returned to the floor with my OMG smile shining on my face. My mind kept on reminding me "Shet! Ang gwapo nya kahit kakagising lang huhu" til I returned to my own pace doing the 9AM report.

Minutes later, he went to the floor sipping his mug then asked me about the request. I showed him our CEO's post then went to his Mac to check on the report. While he was commenting to our CEO's post, our group chat kept on ringing. He gave me a thumbs up for a good job which was waking him up. He also told everyone of what happened -- he was shocked while I was unzipping his tent, thought it would be another horror story in our company. I laughed it off and told I did not mean to be a "ghost".