#edgeray.writes

“Arlecchino?” You gently encourage another answer, reciprocating the compassion she seldom held for anyone but you in your tone and your expression.

“Peruere,” she enunciated with an unseen faltering, and you suppressed the urge to question it. She elaborated no more. 

You repeated the sound. “Peruere.” It was foreign to you, a word you've yet heard of before, yet it stirred some sort of ease inside of you–it felt right on your tongue for some inexplicable reason. 

Her lips parted, but nothing but an exhale escaped from them. Her eyes widened to a barely noticeable degree, but it certainly didn't mean there was no effect on her. She pursed her lips tightly after, her stare on you never leaving, but you had the sense that there was something else she saw in that moment. The glow of her eyes weren't as bright.  

“What is it?”

“My name. My name before her Majesty bestowed the name Arlecchino on me.”

‘Pereure,’ you repeated throughout your thoughts. Arlecchino shared little of herself, even with the growing proximity between the two of you. While your lover knew every intricate detail about you, there was hardly much you could say about her: her preferences, her upbringing, the source of her nightmares, and the reason for her frequent, blank, longing stares at you. You knew that there was no need to pry into her being, to pick out and uproot every bit of her that she meticulously hides away, just so that you could console yourself that you loved her just as she loved you. 

But it gnawed at you, the knowledge that you could be knowing nothing of the person you loved. How could you call yourself her lover, when she couldn't confide parts of herself in you, when you couldn't even know her favorite flowers, when you couldn't comfort her after a nightmare, when you couldn't support her as much as you could? Insecurity had crept up your spine over the years, clawing at your insides as you tried to assure yourself you were enough for her, but how could you be?

But when she whispered her name, like an intimate secret concealed away from the world, just between you and her, it sparked a hope in you, and there appeared an irrefutable fondness in your eyes that made the Fourth Harbinger nearly stumble over. 

“It's beautiful, Peruere,” you said to her, your eyes awfully warm for someone so cold, and the tenderness in your voice was enough to melt a bit of the ice encasing her heart. More than anything did it make her bleed out, the thumping organ in her chest cut open as she suddenly became sixteen again, her red-crossed pupils beholding a familiar carmine-haired girl for a moment that seems to extend farther than time. She blinked, and then you reappeared.  

Arlecchino stated nothing. Instead, she leaned forward, placing a chaste kiss on your forehead.

For the Director of the House of the Hearth, nightmares used to be commonplace. That is not to say that they no longer haunt her, only that they appear in the still moments, flickering alongside shadows and phantom whispers that echo in empty rooms. Brief remnants from a past still claw at her at the back of her mind, anticipating vulnerable, opportune times to lash at her and rise to the surface. The mocking leering from a cruel Mother ghosts one ear, and the innocent, childish laughter of a girl that never grew up lingerie on the other ear. Peruere–because it is not the feared, reliable Knave that stands in the place of her–experiences a multitude of these dreams, some that tangle and warp her present and childhood altogether, and others that are more singular, more insistent on leaving her with a reminder. 

It is this nightmare, the only one which she remembers so vividly, that haunts Peruere past beyond slumber.

A blanket of white expands past what she can see on a flat, barren plain. The ground gives under her boots with a soft crunch and her fur coat shuffles as the wind moans. All that illuminates her path is moonlight, luminous and full, and the dancing lights in the sky overhead. She tilts her head up, observing as the viridian rushes forth and across, flowing freely like a fickle stream. Viridian, that of a similar hue to… 

“Beautiful, isn't it, Perrie?”

Her attention is drawn away from the aurora, and when she turns to the side she is met with gleaming, emerald eyes. Clervie peers up, in a red stained white dress, an innocuous smile paired with starkly dead eyes. The lack of visible breath from her tells Peruere that Clervie is undoubtedly dead. 

“Don't you want to see this with me?” She presses. Even with her sweet words, Peruere knows something sinister lies beneath them. Peruere must not falter. 

At the lack of answer from the cursed being, Clervie continues. “You can see this with me everyday. You can be with me. I miss you, Perrie. Don't you miss me?”

She does. Everyday she does.

Peruere remains steadfast, stubborn and resilient as Clervie had always known her for. Even when her words are alluring, drawing something deep within Peruere that she was not even aware was alive, Peruere wills her mouth shut, in fear of what she might say, in fear of what she will not be able to take back. 

The apparition changes her tactic. 

“Aren't you tired?”

Peruere is. 

It is this damning question that haunts her, latching onto her like a parasite in everything she does. Waking, breathing, moving, thinking, somehow they all carry an inescapable exhausation to them. Even when she tries to, the truth is forced out of her, a simple, raw, “I am” tumbles off of Peruere's lips.

“Does it hurt everyday?”

How can it not? Not when she carries the sin of killing her former lover, and her siblings. How often does she have to bury one of her children in her heart? Even for her own children, she cannot eliminate their suffering, less of all, hers. Her cursed blood surges through her body, aches and pangs that nearly consume her everyday. 

Clervie offers a hand, kind and warm and everything that Peruere wants to surrender herself to. “You can come with me. I promise it won't hurt anymore. You can give up, Peruere. You outlived Mother. You don't have to live alone anymore.”

Peruere stares at the hand, small, pale, and most of all, unstained with blood–welcoming, even. She refuses to take it, even when her fingers itch to.  

Then Clervie asks the most damning question of all: “Why won't you give up?”

There's no answer from Peruere. She cannot find the answer, even when it lies on the tip of her tongue. When she parts her lips, nothing comes out, and she wonders if she ever could answer. 

There are a few things that you noticed when you first worked for her. All the miniscule details that you stored away mentally, for any future use that may allow you in her good graces. You weren’t aware of it then, but those details were what led to your relationship development–from boss to girlfriend. Arlecchino said early on in the relationship that one of your most alluring qualities was your attention to detail, always so keen on observing every bit of her until you knew all but everything of her. 

In the first month after your transfer to her, you’ve narrowed down her favorite teas and which one to give her in accordance to her outward mood. Liyuen Black tea in the morning for energizing, Inazuman Green tea during midday for a more soothing feel, and Lavender Melon tea for the evening to unwind. In the third month of working under her, you’d leave a tray with a teapot and cup for her on the desk that she'd inevitably return to when the moon reaches its peak. She bathes in the moonlight, sipping Chamomile tea, even with the knowledge the blood flames that course through her veins will never allow her to rest.

She tells you only in your eighth month that the tea is a futile but appreciated gesture to cure her sleepless bouts. It does not deter you; instead, you often pair the tea with a small side of honey beside it. There is no harm in sweetened things, after all, when sugar cuts back the bitterness of reality. 

There are other things that you notice about her. 

Arlecchino claims herself as a strict and unfeeling Father. At first, you had believed it well into the second week. Piercing stares into her children, as if she were gauging them, inside and out for every imperfection and fault she could pry out. Words harsh like the creaking of a door that echoes through the house with sparing touches, as cold as the Snezhnayan snow. Her interactions with the younglings beyond Fatui-related matters are few and far in between. 

Then there are the times when she observes. Unmoving, just like her expression, but her gaze never ending, always lingering. The observed never notice, but you do. It matters not what the children are doing, whether reading quietly among themselves, chatting boisterously, or even eating pastries, she watches. Sometimes you think her lips twitch a miniscule amount, but it is gone as soon as it appears, like a wispy ghost. It frustrates you, like deciphering a brick wall, evident of nothing but its unyieldingness. Like grasping embers that fade out of existence before your fingertips. 

You wonder why she watches, wonder what thoughts her mind conjures. Perhaps there is an underlying warmth to her actions, to the calculated callousness of her methods, or maybe that is just wishful thinking on your part. 

It only takes half a year for her to stare at you like that too–somehow all of your mundane routines have captured her attention, whether it was interacting with the children or fixing something in the kitchen. You’re aware of her, painfully so, by the way her crossed pupils dig so deep into your skin that you still feel the imprint of her intent gaze when even after she looks away. Her behold searing as if she were burning you with her crimson flames. 

(Every budding affection charred until ashes, pruned before it could blossom, and with that any thorn that may appear.)

What does she see when her eyes falter on your form? You suppose that you'd never know. 

A year into your relationship, Arlecchino asks you to retrieve some files in her bedroom's closet. For as long as you've started sleeping with her in the same bed (give or take half a year), you've never explored the rest of the room–you felt that it wasn't right to. You find the wardrobe she detailed, and try to recall what drawer it was she wanted you to find. Was it the last one or the second to last one? Curse your poor memory. 

You open the last drawer, expecting a file folder. Instead, you find two plush dolls, resembling bunnies, laying side by side one another innocently. On the left, a rose pink rabbit, with floppy ears, beady jade eyes, adorning a floppy bow tie and snow white headband. The tuft of what you assumed was hair stuck out from the head, and the tips of the ears were white, as well as the lower half of its face.

Adorable. 

The bunny (or rather, hare, you realize) to the right is white and black in color. Bangs cover up the left eye, and even with the bow tie and cutesy appearance, it's easy to tell who this toy is supposed to represent.

You suck in a harsh breath, curiosities swirling in your head. 

Quickly, you slide away the drawer and open the second one, finding the file folder you were sent here for and grabbing it. You shut the closet door resolutely, the image of the plushies never escaping your mind. 

You can ask her at a later point. 

Death comes for all, in the enemies she has slaughtered or in the lives of her children that slip past her. Even for Archons, death comes to, and Arlecchino knows that herself is no exception. Fate will come to her too, either in the agonizing, cruel way that catches the Knave off guard, or it will be in the way like her curse–slow and inevitable, a dull pain that swallows her surely. The curse will continue to rise past her forearms, and head towards her heart in a decade or two, she suspects. In any case, she believes that her death will come shortly, and there are many things that she cannot dawdle on because of that inevitability. 

Before her demise, there must be one of two conditions to be met. A self-imposed goal. One, she finds a way for the House of the Hearth to be permanently freed from the Fatui, which in her remaining lifetime is unlikely. The second is that the House of the Hearth has a suitable successor to take her place, ensuring that the children will live safely and contently beyond her.

Lyney is already shaping to become an exemplary successor. There are some more lessons for him to learn, but it will not take long–a few years at most–until he is ready. She is no longer concerned with the survival of the House of the Hearth, as her son would be an even better Director than she is. 

So, should death come to her in the near future, she would accept it graciously and without regret. She's fulfilled her purpose, protected who she could as best as she could, and while she has yet learned of what a family exactly is, she knows Lyney is brilliant enough to find the answer. And if not, Lynette, Freminet, and the rest of his siblings will show him the answer. She does not feel that the life Clervie gave her has gone to waste, and to some degree, she has seen and made the House of the Hearth into the ‘family’ and ‘home’ that Clervie had always wanted. 

There is not another reason for her heart to beat longer.  

Yet, her heart does. She’s discovered another reason for her heart to continue beating. 

The Knave is not afraid of death, make no mistake, but when her gaze falls on you she despises that she wishes for her life to extend a second a longer. Thoughts of a longer future are discarded just as they appear, driven away with a mental swat as if they were nothing more than nuisances. Her death will surely approach soon, so why is it that she wants her end to delay? She has nothing left, she has accomplished everything, why must she want more? When her touch grazes you, why is it that all she can think is where next to touch invoke such a flustered reaction? Why does she imagine more of your future smiles towards her? 

She does not need one more reason to continue living. And she realizes with a heavy heart that is the chink in the Knave's armor, what makes her most afraid: wanting to continue a future she does not have. 

About eight months after she's revealed her true name, you learn of a second name.

A blackened hand raises, stroking your cheek with a rare tenderness that's only extended to you, and your eyelids flutter. Sunlight streams through the window, painting Peruere as an angelic being, and her white hair emits off almost a heavenly glare. Red crosses greet your drowsy gaze, softened by your appearance.  

Like every morning for the past year, you've always awakened to the unmistakable warmth that belongs to Peruere. With the blood flames that course through her body, along with her Pyro vision, always on her person, she’s always hot to the touch. You find that you don't mind. On the more crisp nights, when she draws you closer underneath the covers and your bodies fit together like one whole, you can't possibly trade for another place to be. She is your hearth, a sanctuary that stokes the embers of your heart. You live inside of her heart, as does she in yours. 

It always takes a while to break the comfortable silence between the two of you. With how busy the Haringer is, finding quiet, intimate moments like these throughout the day is difficult. Basking in each other's company makes it all worth waking up and trudging through the day, then falling into each other's arms at night. Words are needless now, not when every touch or gesture is enough to communicate what the two of you need. After some while, Peruere breaks the silence by recounting what must be done today. Today is no different. 

“There's someone I’ve needed to see for some time,” she says, breaking your trance from admiring her lips. 

“Do you need me to see them?” 

She remains silent for some moments. “No. But I’d like you to.”

An unusual answer from her. Who is this person she'd like to meet? What kind of person are they, if Peruere wanted you to see them? What is their relationship? You could count very few individuals whose presence Peruere tolerates enough that she'd want you to see them. It's likely not Fatui-related in that case, not when she could hardly endure a minute with her fellow Harbingers, and her patience wore rather thin with other operatives. From her personal background then?

You try to recall what you've learned about Peruere’s past. A frown forms when you determine that it's very little. You knew not of how she became a Harbinger or her circumstance before taking the mantle of ‘Father.’ What you knew amounted to what she gave you about her curse, her real name, and the stuffed animals. You had never asked about, but occasionally the image of green buttoned eyes and the scarlett bunny flashes through your mind. If Peruere represents one of them, who was the other one? For now, you shove away the thought. 

“Then I'll go, if that's what you want,” you finally answer. 

Peruere nods, before wordlessly rising from bed. 

Arlecchino treks the same path up the mountain as she has times before. Her feet move on their own, as if the pull to the ruins were ingrained in her very muscles. Every time she's visited, it's always a sullen journey, as alone and cold as what remains on top of the hill. With each step, the air seems to thicken, and the bloodflames lick away at her veins, daring to consume her. Her frozen heart hardens until it grows heavy, dense enough that she feels it sinks into her stomach and that familiar suffocating, oppressive weight settles inside like an insidious parasite. 

Her heart is relieved by the most miniscule amount with your presence. One clasped with yours, and the other firmly holding the bouquet of Lumoudice Bells, she continues. She wonders if you can feel the way her heart thumps so erratically, so unlike the strict and unfeeling Father, the ruthless diplomat. How can one measly life disturb her when she's taken the lives of so many? She banished the thought away, because she knew her first love would never be just ‘one measly life.’ 

If you knew of Clervie, what were you to think of her? What were you to think, with the knowledge that her first–and only–friend died in her arms, her blood stained on her hands, and pierced by her sword? If you knew she had clung to Clervie beyond death and forced her day after day to wander, afraid, distraught, and alone, around a house whose walls haunted her, what would become of her in the eyes of you? 

Perhaps, you would see her as the monster Crucabena raised–maybe you too would burn from her cursed flames, and she'd be left with the only fate she could not defy: being alone, like how a wretched monster is supposed to be. Her only company would be the curse that gradually chokes her until she is buried in the ashes of all those close to her, and her life too will be snuffed out like fading embers. 

The blood flames nicks her, and she momentarily embraces the sting that spreads through her form.  

“Peruere,” you softly call out, concern dripping from your tone, and oh, how you do inexplicable things to her heart. She opens her eyes, and for a moment, she thinks she sees a glint of viridian in your eyes, before it flickers out of existence in a blink. 

She shakes her head to dismiss your worries, before looking ahead. The ruins come into view, and she wills the blood flames passive. Her forearms itch.

It's been nearly four years since she was last here, these crumbled walls and the overgrown stone floors make the resting place for both Clervie and her shadow. The sun–the same sun whose warmth Clervie had always wanted to feel–beams over Arlecchino just as it had done on the shadow. 

(Arlecchino wonders, when she held the dying girl for the first time, whether the warmth of her cursed flames could ever replace the sun's warmth. Would Clervie have been just as content, just as free for even a second, were she in Peruere's arms? For as cursed as she was, were her flames enough to be Clervie's Hearth?) 

Twice, here, she had said her farewells. Now, it's the first time that she's greeting Clervie since they first parted. 

She doesn't remember when or how she made her way here. Before her is a crude gravestone that she made after Clervie's death, hidden behind some rubble. She can still recall the way her hands terribly trembled and ached, as she hand-carved every letter and number onto the stone. She could barely register the pelting of the rain as she dug, and dug for what seemed like an eternity, but the weight of her body as she raised and lowered her seemed etched into her muscles, and–

“Peruere,” you say, and it is your warmth that jolts her when you intertwine your fingers with hers. “You're shaking.”

Indeed, her hands are trembling by her side, the bouquet bunching tightly. Inhaling deeply, she recollects herself, willing her hands to stop. 

“This is Clervie. She was…” Arlecchino begins but just as quickly pauses. She detests how difficult it was to grasp onto words when speaking was just as effortless as breathing. 

‘Everything’ she almost wants to say, and even the admission makes her chest churn agonizingly, her heart compounding into itself as if it wanted to hide from the truth. Those words are far too vulnerable, too revealing. Arlecchino attempts to find an appropriate substitute for the word but for once, she is at a loss. In an effort to reclaim some of her composure, but when she spots your gentle eyes, she sees a patience unfound by her from anyone before, an empathy that would swallow her whole if she continued staring into the abyss. A look that completely disarms her, that loosens her lips, that cracks her hardened exterior, and the emotions that have been welled up inside of her for years thrashes against its restraints, barging against her throat to escape. Peruere finds herself at the center of ravaging waters–waves of buried memories, of reserved sorrows–and even the cursed flames underneath her skin threaten to sear her. But even as the tides crash over, Peruere stands steadily. Here is not the place for her to crumble, not the time yet for you to see all of her walls peeled back. So, for now, she beckons the currents back into the well of her being. 

Her eyes flick away from yours, instead, looking up at the expanse of the sky. Peruere sees white clouds, reminiscent of Clervie's dress. “She was dear to me. She was my sole companion for much of my lifetime.”

You do not say anything for a few moments, long enough that Arlecchino starts doubting herself that you were even there until you finally say, “Do you miss her?” 

Miss her. Those two words can not attest to the amount of longing she has had since Clervie's death. Even now, a pang strikes through her, the bittersweet image of an adult Clervie–a Clervie that had the chance to grow up–appears at the forefront of her mind. If Clervie was here beside her, she would describe all the things the clouds resembled. “I do. But I would imagine that she would be at better peace now than with me.” 

Another bout of silence. This one is shorter than the last, cut with a simple question. “Would you like to talk to her?” 

She has never once thought of talking to Clervie's gravestone. What could be said to someone who could not respond? Arlecchino supposes, however, that there is no harm in doing so. She glances back down onto Clervie. Even if they never reach the intended audience's ears, it will act as a release for all of the unsaid words Arlecchino has. “Yes, I would.”

“I'll wait for you. Take as long as you need, Peruere.” The grass crunches behind her as you walk away, the sound growing quieter until it fades away. Once it does, she crouches down to place the bouquet of Lumoudice bells. 

“Clervie,” she addresses softly to the gravestone. “It has been a while. I apologize for not visiting sooner. I hope that you are faring well.”

What should she say? Arlecchino does not often converse with the dead.

“The House of the Hearth remains lively as ever.” She stops, recalling the more memorable events that occurred. Clervie would surely be amused. 

“We saw another addition to the family just a few months ago. I had taken in another child, Claude. He appears shy, but I believe that he will soon find his place among the rest of his siblings. Like you, he is an avid reader. Lyney has expectedly made earnest attempts to befriend him, but Freminet, with their akin quiet nature, would likely be more successful. Speaking of which, Lyney and Lynette's magic show has been prospering, and Freminet is included in some of the shows as well. He is becoming an increasingly beloved performer among the fans, and I do hope this will boost his confidence.”

She ponders for a moment of what else to add. 

“The children persuaded me to allow them to keep another stray cat, an abandoned kitten they found in an alley. I believe they called it Pumpkin, though I am certain it is a cover name for a more crude title. Two weeks ago, while I was working in my office, I was disturbed by an explosion. It appears that Foltz and Heloir were baking cookies, or what I can assume they were with the charred remains of their efforts.” 

Arlecchino lets out a huff of amusement, before continuing, “[Name] scolded the two quite thoroughly. They did not take to their given punishments so graciously, or at least less graciously as they would have had I issued the reprimand. [Name]’s generosity grants them that freedom, yet I cannot find myself especially irked with this. It is a welcome addition–[Name] is a welcome addition to our lives. The children have grown quite attached to [Name], and I…”

A beat of silence, an instant to formulate adequate words.

“[Name] is precious to me. They remind me of you, Clervie, in their kindness. You would have loved them. I had thought I would not find another person that would stay. But [Name] did. They are still here, and they do not intend on leaving. I cannot be any more grateful. They are attentive, gentle, and protective of the children, and to me… I cannot tolerate being without them. I could have never thought I would long for another just as I had for you, Clervie.”

A deep inhale then exhale.

“I had always wondered why you had given up your life for mine. Was the life I had lived worth yours in exchange? As of recently, I feel content with my life. Not yet satisfied, you know I am far too selfish and greedy to be entirely satisfied with this, but this is a life that I do not regret building. I am closer to the family we have wanted to build together as children, and… I think [Name] would be a good ‘Mother.’ Is it okay to ask [Name] to take your place? To be the ‘Mother’ we have always wanted?” 

There is no answer, nothing but the moan of a wind, but Arlecchino is satiated. 

“I should part soon with you. The children will wonder about my whereabouts, and [Name] grows anxious when they are away from the hotel for too long. I will visit you again. Next time, I promise a slice of cake so I ask you to wait for me until then.”

“Farewell, Clervie. Rest well.”

Arlecchino stands up, but stops before she fully turns around. “I nearly have forgotten to tell you. The aurora was just as beautiful as the ones in the pictures.”

It starts with a red rabbit and a white hare. The children are all largely asleep, and in the comfort  of your shared bed on a quiet, intimate night Peruere takes out two plushies, the same two that had mystified you ever since you discovered them in an obscure drawer. Finally, you knew of who the other plushie belonged to. 

“I met her at the House of the Hearth. We were both raised there for as long as I can recall, underneath the former Director, ‘Mother.’” Peruere sharply inhales, running her thumb over the face of the Clervie doll. 

“Clervie was Mother's biological daughter, and she was the only one of the other children that could see past ‘Mother's’ facade. Mother liked to sweeten us as if we were candy, only to spit us out when we could no longer satisfy her. However, our siblings never saw beyond her cloying words and faux affection. From the very beginning we were trained to fight each other. Mother isolated us from our peers, so naturally, a friendship grew between us.” 

“I spent every breathing moment alongside her, despite ‘Mother's’ attempts to separate me from Clervie. ‘Mother’ favored me because I was her strongest among my siblings, while Clervie was the weakest. But that did not dissuade Clervie, even when my other siblings feared me. In fact, my lack of companions only emboldened Clervie to become my friend. Clervie was my sole companion for years. Much of what we had was shared: meals, books, beds, clothes. Whatever I had was Clervie's, and what was Clervie's was mine. And so were her dreams. 

“One day when we were six, she came up to me, bright-eyed and determined despite the numerous bruises she gained from ‘Mother's’ punishment, with a declaration. Clervie wanted to make a real family, one that shed no tears or blood, one where she would be a mother that loved her children equally, and her children would love each other. She wanted to make that family with me.

“I do not know of what a family looks like, and I do not suppose that Clervie knew either. But even when ‘Mother's’ cruelty shed away her naivety in the later years, she still held this dream dear to her. Clervie took to fantasies much more than I did, but I played along. We would imagine ourselves as parents of our pretend family, Clervie, the gentle ‘Mother,’ and I, as the stern ‘Father.’” 

These,” Peruere holds up the plush version of herself, “were the results from that. Our ‘children.’ Children often take on the appearances of their parents, so we likened them to ourselves. My look-alike was Clervie's, and hers was mine.”

“But that dream did not last. As our time inside the House of the Hearth grew, Clervie realized that making our home into a true family was impossible. So, Clervie began to dream of freedom. Freedom for not just herself, but for our siblings as well. When she became shy of a teenager, she made attempts of escaping. ‘Mother’ would always stop her and make an example out of her to dissuade any attempts from the other children.

“At sixteen, we finally learned why we were being taught how to fight. From the very beginning, ‘Mother’ had been grooming us to be participants of our very own death game– we had to fight each other to the death. Only the strongest would arise alive, and would be crowned with a meaningless throne over the mountain of their siblings. Clervie had always tried to get the others to draw, to reduce as many deaths as possible, but ‘Mother’ had always made sure that there can only be one victor.”

“Clervie and I were the last alive out of our siblings. One by one I dominated the duels and slaughtered our siblings. The night before our duel she said to me that she sought freedom, and the only way she can achieve it was in her death. I granted her that freedom and became the sole survivor. I trained nonstop everyday after her death to be strong enough to kill ‘Mother’ and I had achieved that a year later, in the exact same place I last held Clervie.”

Peruere finally stops, silence filling in the space between you. You are breathless, trying to piece together her past. What could even be said after that?

She sets down the plush on the bed, silently offering it to you. You take the plush with delicate hands, as if the toy would shatter upon the slightest touch. Knowing the history behind its owner makes it feel heavy, dense with the foreseen tragedy you know appears in Peruere's and Clervie's story. You cannot imagine the current Knave holding such a cutesy toy, but the vision of a smaller, baby-faced Peruere cradling the plush to her chest like it was the only comfort the world would grant her… it clenches your heart agonizingly. Knowing that she was so small but endured so much… you wish that you could give that tiny Peruere and Clervie all of the care and love they deserved. 

Pushing back the tears that emerge from the corner of your eyes became difficult. When Peruere noticed your tears, a blackened hand came up to your face to wipe them away. You lean in against the warm hand, your sobs coming in more rapidly. Oh, Peruere, you can not help but think, how is it that she is still so full of love? How is it that the child that grew up to be the love of your life, someone who would dedicate her entirety for each of her children, suffered so much? How could fate be this unjust to such a kind soul? 

Nothing held you back from practically lunging at her, grasping onto her and sobbing into her chest. You look up at her through a blurred vision, and even now there is hardly a hint of affliction on her. For how stoic she was, your entire body wracks with sorrow, for all of the emotions she herself could not express, you experience two fold. She holds you the entire time wordlessly, and never stops wiping away your endless tears. 

“You were so small,” is all you can comprehensively babble when your sobs begin to recede and you start hiccuping. “It’s not fair. It's not your fault. It can never be.” 

Peruere's eyes widen by a fraction at your statement, her lips part in a stunned silence, and her body tense, as if she was in disbelief. As if you had just healed a broken part of her that had been that way for her entire life. Her hand twitches, and her expression smooths out when she brushes away the last of your tears. “I apologize for making you cry.” 

You shake your head, refusing the apology. Sinking further down into her embrace as if trying to weld with her, you cling onto her, assuring her that you would never leave. Your hiccups ebb away, and the two of you lay together, bound by one another's entangled limbs. Your ear is pressed against her chest, listening to the rhythmic drum of her heart. 

There is one more break in the silence before the two of you succumb to slumber. 

“Would you like to see the aurora with me?” 

Author's Note:

please don't let this flop please don't let this flop please don't let this flop

sorry for not uploading anything for 2.5 months. does this make up for it? i've had this idea worked on since last year, if I'm not mistaken, since at least august, and I only had just recently started working on it after I gave up on it for a good while. after this ill work on whatever i feel like. but it might be slow.

“I think I’m pregnant,” you whisper, a sacred confession to the two of you in the shared sanctuary of your bedroom. Arlecchino paused her unclasping of her coat, having just returned from Snezhnaya for yet another Harbinger meeting when she heard it. Cliche as it may be, Arlecchino’s world did truly halt for a moment, the revelation altering something inside of her when she fully processed your words. For once, the charming Snezhayan diplomat, always with a silver tongue, was rendered speechless. You always seemed to have those strange effects on her. 

Her lips parted but no noise came out, just an anxious silence caused by the malfunction of her mind. The Harbinger truly seemed shaken by your words, but before a seed of doubt could plant itself inside you she scrambles to your side. Crouching before you on her knees while you sat on the edge of the bed, she gazed up at you, crimson crosses full of unwavering devotion. A cursed hand reaches for you, interlocking your fingers. 

“Do you want this?” She questions, with all the tenderness someone like her shouldn’t have. You smiled warmly. She was ever the gentleman, always putting your desires before her, but you knew that she wanted this just as much as you did–maybe even more. Although the two of you talked about having children, there were cautions and considerations to note, and for that, there was no rush for the two of you to procreate. But here, when she is looking at you as if you are her world (you are), all those troubles fade away so easily. It has never been easier to answer. 

“Yes.” 

Arlecchino lunges, tackling you to the bed and landing on top of you as she peppers your face with kisses. This may be the closest thing to being giddy for Arlecchino. When she pulls away, your face smothered in her lipstick marks, she chuckles at the sight. Laying her head on your chest, she rests on top of you. Maybe she could hear both yours and her child’s beating hearts then. 

“I want this too,” she whispers back into your skin. And what else was there to talk about? 

— 

“You should be sleeping on your side,” your husband chides gently, not so gently pulling you to lay properly with her crimson wing. Standing beside the bed, she leans over to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear, and you curl closer to the pillow, hugging it to your chest. You squeeze your eyes tighter to see if you can salvage any amount of drowsiness for sleep, but ultimately it’s futile. 

Outside of your peripheral vision, the Knave scowls towards the pillow, her hands itching to replace the item. Although she knew everything would be worth it in the end, truly one of the worst things about pregnancy is not being able to lay right beside you. What an utter outrage. How else is she supposed to appreciate her partner’s body? That pillow is going to be shredded the moment her baby is delivered… or perhaps she should save it for… future uses. 

“Good morning to you. I’m already awake,” you yawn, stretching as best as you could. 

“Good morning. You should sleep more, especially after… last night’s activities,” Arlecchino whispers lowly into your ear, a light huff coming from her when you shiver.

“Don’t think so highly of yourself,” you quip back, playfulness to your voice. 

“From how quickly you fell asleep, it certainly does reassure me of my abilities. A husband should be able to treat her partner well in all aspects. Pleasure included.” 

“Mmm, how lucky I am to have such a good husband, huh?”

“How fortunate indeed,” Arlecchino replies with a smug smile. She sits at the edge of the bed next to you, one of her hands slowly makes its way to your swollen belly, stroking gentle patterns over it and tracing stretch marks, fondness felt underneath each fingertip. Some minutes pass by in silence, taking in the sun’s rays that peak through the blinds of the window and each other’s presences. The little moments of bliss the two of you find in the chaos of this world. There’s not a word exchanged between each other, but it has long gone past the point of vocalizing one another’s affections. Arlecchino is already there, held between each heartbeat of yours. Neither of you have any intention of rising from the bed, to break this undisturbed peace. 

But of course, nausea settles inside you to ruin the moment. “I need to use the bathroom.”

Arlecchino immediately helps you turn to the side to reach the edge of the bed. Effortlessly, she sweeps you off of your feet using her cursed strength to lift you comfortably bridal style, carrying you to the bathroom. She pulls back your hair back while you’re hunched over the toilet, your morning sickness coming and passing through. 

“How’s the baby?” She questions, handing you a glass of water once you’re done. You place a hand over your belly, smiling faintly when you feel a bit of movement. 

“Active. Feels like they want to come out already with how much they kick,” you chuckled.

“Mmh, but we still have several more weeks.” Arlecchino kisses your forehead and leans forward to place a hand over yours. “Just a little longer, and they will be here. Our precious. I pray to the Archons that they have your likeness.” 

You giggled. “I hope they’re a mini you, Arle. I’ve always wanted to see what you looked like when you were younger.” 

She sends you a gentle smile, all the warmth of a hearth in her eyes. Arlecchino presses a kiss against your lips, holding you closer. Regardless of whose eyes the child will have or their color of hair, she knows the two of you hold this same sentiment: “They’ll be perfect.”

You hummed in agreement, basking in her embrace. Gradually, Arlecchino pulls away, but not before giving you another kiss. “I’ll have to do some work outside. The children can provide you company in my place. Is there anything you require currently?” 

You sighed, already missing her with the thought of her absence. “Can you get me some of the pastries again? The ones you bought last time?”

“I already had the twins pick them up. The chocolate dipped ones, yes?” 

Your eyes practically gleam with astonishment. “Marry me?” 

“Well… there is a curious diamond ring already on your finger, isn’t there?” 

You used to think that the line was cut-throat, a visible drawn etching in the sand–so easy to see when someone passed through. As obvious as their appearance once they've entered through the doorway. It was evident in those that were painted in wretched and jagged scars like their skin was a blank canvas. Perceptible in those that too rarely stifled their brash volatility, taking pride in their bruteness and their trigger-happiness. Apparent in those with their sly-eyed, piercing scrutiny, silent as the dead they were, yet it was usually among these archetypes whose power reigned the most throughout. Discernable in those that can wear many faces, spilling a hundred lies from their lips with as much effort as it takes for them to breathe; typically, they were as inviting as a puppy guiding a lamb to a den of wolves. 

You couldn’t discern anymore what kind of monster Lord Arlecchino matched. Was it that they were never a monster to begin with, or is it just your irrationality muddying what should be the obvious? It should alarm you that your mind doesn't perceive them as such anymore, despite knowing so little of the danger they grasp underneath their fingertips. How quick they were to wrap their hand around your throat, tantalizing you with each scrape of carmine nails against your kiss-bruised skin. 

But monsters are incapable of love. You think you've been fooled in believing in it when they trace your body with their touch, but then again, what monster's touch can be akin to that of an angel’s? Maybe angels themselves were also monsters. It's how you knew they were the most fatal mistake you could have made but you remain unapologetic shamelessly. Why should you, for indulging in something so tasteful? Is it not human desire to be selfish, to satisfy oneself? It's only natural to savor sweet fruit.

Their touch still lingers, on every inch of skin their depraved and gluttonous they could reach, the heat from their contact ever present like bubbling magma underneath the surface. Even after they're gone, it still tingles with sweltering desire and comes with the vivid image of their imprintment on you. How you remembered their wet lips against your neck, teeth sunk in and the rough drag of their tongue across, while their fingers edged closer to the waistband of your fishnets. Oh, how you remembered the delicious grinding of their hips against yours, a coarse friction that sends shocks of pleasure through you as they swallow every wanton cry from your lips and stifle any movements from you with a tight grasp of your waist. As red stained marks were stamped over the expanse of your bare clavicle, you remember a particular sultry chuckle from them when they captured your wrists in one hand effortlessly, willing you unable to touch them even when you had begged to do so. How cruel of them to deprive you of what you so avidly coveted, but you think their touch is rewarding enough to dismiss the one-sidedness of the physical intimacy. 

Though, you hesitate to call it physical intimacy. Somehow, the touches that lit your heart ablaze the most only scrape the surface of indecency, as nothing transpired beyond kisses and love marks. It was the first time you left a private room relatively untouched, and though they had definitely teased you of it, no action slipped lower than your collarbone–not even a single piece of clothing peeled from your body. It leaves an unsettling, complex bundle of desires: wanting more and less of their touch simultaneously: you long for their touch, to feel that addicting fervor again, for your own unchaste gratification, however, having not been used as a tool for sensual fulfillment, you almost find it…nearly comforting–freeing may be the right word. A relief from what was usually an obligation. It’s… strange, is the least you can account it to. You’ve never wanted more from a client. Every past one has been just a means for income, hardly even considered cheap entertainment, and yet… you find your thoughts returning back to them, ensnaring your mind and plaguing your consciousness with memories of your two’s ‘unchastity.’ 

Lord Arlecchino, the Knave, the Fourth Harbinger of the Fatui, stole your thoughts just like a thief in the night, the ghost of their whispered words frequently haunting you. “‘I think I’ll keep you to myself after this,’” they had said with such certainty, and that voice would repeat indefinitely in your ears. For the most inexplicable reason, you found yourself eager, having believed them, however, you quickly discovered how naive you were–foolish to have ever hoped in such a shallow assertion and absurd to have wished for that in the first place. How dim of you to trust words influenced by fleeting ardor, for allowing irrationality to creep up in your vulnerable state of intoxication from them. They had left your body that night, with little to no effort, unsatisfied yet marked by them entirely, remnants of their presence still scattered on your body. How cruel, and yet very characteristic of them, though the latter recognition almost physically burned you to admit. A burn that you couldn’t quite associate one feeling to it. 

You think the feeling is akin to abandonment, maybe betrayal, but you couldn’t fault Arlecchino–not when you were the one to have fallen for their lies. In the heat of the moment, their amorous words had done nothing less but stroke an ember within your body, fueling your own feverish arousal, amplifying your experience, but that was all it was. Abandonment couldn’t be correct, not when you were never theirs in the first place and you had willingly offered yourself to them. Nor can betrayal suit it; there was no foundation of trust built between the two of you either. You should have known that trust, among your clients especially, is as flimsy as a sheet of paper. But what can explain this obstinate hollowness in your chest, unable to be filled no matter how many meaningless acts of intimacy you throw at it, or how many fantasies you’d delude yourself once you're in the solace being underneath your covers? It’s a clawing irritant that occupies your mind when you’ve found yourself alone, seeking for the phantom presence of them.

You miss them–at the very least, their touch–you realize belatedly, and for that you couldn’t consider yourself to be more pathetic. Never before in your experience have you ever thought of a previous client but you suppose every day is an opportunity to discover something new. Attachments were a sure way to kill yourself in this business, in the underground. You had intended on keeping yourself alive, but here you are. How degrading of you, you internally admonished, fool, fool, fool. 

What was it about them that had captivated you so much? Perhaps it was their unique charm. Curt and sharp as they were, you could not help but admit there was something alluring about their words, the authority that dripped from them, instilling you to do nothing but obey them. Perhaps it was their captivating appearance, a masterful and tasteful blend of ruggedness with class, snow white hair adorned with ebony streaks framing their porcelain-like face, but their stature was nothing of that case. Though lean as they were, from the rare prodding touches they allowed you where you could feel their toned physique, you can tell strength and power laid underneath their fingertips; if not from that, then perhaps how easily they nearly suffocated you with one hand alone, or how they had easily hoisted you up and against the wall. The red crossed pupils were nothing like you’ve ever seen and underneath that ever-piercing behold you’re little more than a timid prey before a hungry beast. 

Your interactions with Lord Arlecchino were like being teared by the fangs of a voracious wolf. Every delicate sense–touch, hearing, sight, smell, and taste–pecked away little by little until all you could register in your lust-brimmed mind was their entirety. Sapping away your strength and resistance, impelling you to submit your all to them, through their every feverish touch; deafening your eardrums with each wet noise that followed their lips; dizzying you with their faint, earthy cologne; your eyes drinking in their appearance with every chance; and oh, their sickeningly sweet taste–far too depraved and far too addictive. You’re breathless everytime you think of it. When they finally released you, peeling away from your form, your body looked as if it had just barely escaped a maiming from a wild animal: teeth indents, light scratches, and red blotches of their lipstick flecked your upper torso and face.

They parted from you hours into the early morning. It felt like they had been stealing your breath for hours. You couldn’t count how many times their lips met yours, but it was enough where you could memorize the texture of them, of their warmth and sweetness. You couldn’t recall the duration the two of you spent locked with each others’ lips, but you could recall the various positions they had you. One such position, you muse with clenched thighs, was when they towered above your lying form on the couch, a bent knee in between your legs and their arms on either side of your head, planting their palms onto the cushion underneath you while they descended down to capture kiss after kiss from you. You remembered the tickling sensation of their ivory and raven strands that fell on your cheek, and how you raised a gentle hand to brush them away. In retaliation, what could only be described as something in between a growl and a grunt came from the Harbinger’s throat, one of their hands moved away from its resting place besides your head and clasped with yours, before firmly planting it against the sofa–a clear lesson not to touch them so casually, to which you smiled cheekily. They stole that smile away with little wasted time using a harsh nip on your bottom lip. 

And then, like that, they left. 

A week has gone by–more accurately, six days–since they had last appeared, and in that period, you’ve yet seen them. You worked consecutively, opting to even neglect your free work day, with the hopes of catching a glimpse. Ultimately, however, your efforts bore no fruit; not a single of your customers was the white-haired devilish angel that plagued your thoughts. White-hot shame and crushing disappointment grew with each passing day. The first unspoken word of advice amongst your fellow dancers was that attachments to customers are never worthwhile: even frequent customers disappear, and if you are lucky, you discover why. The reasons ranged from death to simply boredom, but the latter is always the most devastating, an agonizing reminder of how insignificant your life can be. 

You had hoped to consider yourself among the smarter of your coworkers. You thought yourself immune to those follies, impenetrable to the charms and advances of all your customers–none to date had made your heart palpitate the way it did in the Harbinger's presence. It's unfathomable that you allow yourself to sink to such depths, to find yourself coveting for something you shouldn't, for something you can't have, for something that is beyond the likes of you. Convincing yourself with certainty, you were sure that you were above the idea of ardor–percase, your mistake was appraising yourself of just that. Now, you struggle against the very woes your coworkers forewarned you about. 

Lying conscious on your wretched mattress, the cycle of rue repeats internally, battling against the drowsiness from your day's work. The thin and tattered sheets do little to provide you with the warmth you seek, and the lumpy, yet simultaneously, feathersoft pillow fails to ease your neck. The discomfort is only heightened by the darkness that plunges your chamber, like an abyss that's consumed you whole– just like your thoughts.

You urge your mind to settle, to calm a roaring yearning forever left unsatisfied, for even a single minute of slumber but it's futile. Once more, your thoughts drift to your angel donned in scarlet–divine touches and blest hymns. If touching this bit of heaven garners this cruel punishment of eternal desire, then you will cling onto these phantom traces of theirs until the gates of hell swallow you whole. 

Soft, thudding noises approach you from the foot of your bed’s direction. Lifting your gaze to the door, the question comes of whose presence this is. Already having worked your shift, there is the possibility your manager came to you because of a unique request–one that he himself couldn't refuse. A weight manifests in your stomach, unease slinking towards your thoughts; this is your off-time after all and . There’s the foreboding knock on your door, before the knob turns with a click. Your manager walks through, his short, plump silhouette before you–

Your oxygen is teared from your lips, making you breathless as an imposing aura overtakes your entire form, as if gravity grew exponentially stronger just then, pushing down on you with the goal of crushing you until nothingness. Your lungs burn from the deprivation of air and a prickling sensation coats your skin, the combined effect making you tremble like a meek sheep before prey. Their footsteps as they enter your dwelling increases the pressure on your shoulders, forcing you to shrink into yourself. This commanding presence is far from being foreign, there are only a few customers–mafia members–that come to mind that can inflict this kind of dominion. Frozen in place, your heart quickly halts as your sight takes in the person before you, a dawning recognition falls upon you: this isn’t your manager. Instead, what replaces him, is a taller, leaner stature, vaguely familiar but distinctly not him. Plunged in darkness, you couldn’t discern any more details, and the unknown identity induces every hair on your limbs to stand up. 

And yet, despite the unrest that forms inside of you, for an inexplicable reason, there comes a lilt in your heart, your roseate thoughts returning to one individual with a dire need. 

The person makes no movements nor noise, but they are certainly aware of your presence. They remain in place near the doorway, as if prompting you for any action. Yet you’re too unsure, too cautious to act. With each passing second of silence, the air thickens, making it increasingly harder to not sink into the covers of your bed and allow your blanket to swallow you whole. Disbelief settles within you as the two of you linger in silence. Your whirling thoughts start to justify those doubts, crushing that meager hope inside of you. It is not them, because you have been deceived, tossed aside like a broken doll, no longer of entertainment or use to them; abandoned by someone who never truly considered you as theirs in the first place. 

Still, you couldn’t discern the reason for the palpitation of your heart at that moment–isit out of fear or anticipation? Likely, it's a combination of both. It hums in your ear, your pulse faint but tangible and steady, and a chill crawls up your spine, eliciting you to tremble in place like a mouse about to be preyed upon. Becoming more certain that they are not the Harbinger, terror worms into your mind and inflicts upon your heart. Your heart rate skyrockets as if the beating organ is thumping out of your chest, deafening you with nothing but the erratic drumming. Have they come to end you? Have you displeased a customer so much that they intend to make you repay the price with your life?

It is a simple utterance. It is a single word that echoes through the room, one syllable that rings through your ears. And yet, it is this sound that rips your heart from a cold, drowning, lonely abyss and plunges it into the warm, welcoming depths of a familiar company. It shreds any lingering doubt within you like claws would to paper, eradicating it as if it was nothing more than a miniscule pest. In your veins does your pulse sing, humming a delightful hymn, the returning sensation of warmth fills you. Had you been anyone else besides yourself viewing this, you would call it a pathetic sight, but in this whisper of time, a wild inferno of your desires is lit and swarms over your mind. With just one simple utterance, you had turned from a scared, cornered mouse into an awaiting puppy–tail wagging and ears perked–for its approaching owner.  

“Doll.” 

You know of that voice far too well, for only having heard of it for one night. A persistent, almost tantalizing voice that creeps into your dreams at all hours of the day, murmuring with an alluring lilt the same pet name in your ear like the Harbinger had done six nights prior. It is the voice of a seraph under the guise of a demon. And when an ethereal being beckons you, you have no other obligation but to respond. 

“Sir?” The softest of whispers escape you, bated breath evident in your voice. You worry that the barely audible title doesn't reach their ears, but then the soft thumping of stilettos reverberate through the room, matching the pace of your rapid heart, nearing you, until they appear by your bedside. Upclose, you swear that red x’s glint dimly.  An obscure shadow casts over you and the silhouette of a hand reaches out; their palm grazes against your throat as slender fingers seize your chin to tilt your head up–a familiar hold that involuntarily soothes you given the sigh you release. 

“I told you, didn't I?” They say with an alluring lilt, a telling sign of a smirk on their features. They stroke their thumb over your bottom lip, before pressing down. Involuntarily, your tongue peeks out to lap at their thumb pad. Your cheeks swarm with an unbearable calidity, which spreads to the rest of your body, suffocating flames that scorch your entirety. 

“I said that I'd keep you as mine. Or did you forget?” 

Forgetting their words was as plausible as you learning how to fly. You stopped yourself from carelessly revealing how their discrete promise haunts your ears, ringing through your thoughts at any spontaneous minute; you had no desire of disclosing just how much of an influence they have on you–whether that was to persuade them or yourself more. Instead you offer them a wordless shake of your head.

Arlecchino lets out a content hum, before their hand slides down from your chin to your arm, grasping it with a bit of firmness. 

“Come with me, Doll. Such a quality doll such as yourself deserves a suitable dollhouse, is that not right? This,” You assume that they gesture to the room from the shuffle of clothes. “is hardly fitting for you, the sad state that it is.” 

Your heart beat falters for a moment, as contemplation befalls you, attempting to properly comprehend their words. You surmise that the Harbinger is offering you for a new accommodation but you ponder the cost–surely, they would not provide it out of the goodness of their heart, and you were uncertain if they even held such a thing. As delightful as they are, forgetting your place in relation to others will only spell hazard for you. A ‘doll'–whatever that pertains to–is the service they likely seek from you, and you have a few estimates as to what it is. 

It's dreadfully tempting. A chance to escape from your current workplace, but what of your wellbeing? At least, here, you could sustain yourself, shelter, food, and warmth are provided, but could you expect the same with the Harbinger? If you were to come with them, would you only be pulled deeper into the underground? Was the mafia a company you wanted to linger around? As you continue to swat back the clouds of infatuation, rationality returning to you, there are too many unknowns to recklessly comply with. Then again, what would the Harbinger do to you, if you were to refuse them? For now, you're in their favor, but who is to say you will not lose it in some erratic way? 

Perhaps they will grow bored of you. Perhaps you won't satisfy them enough. Or, perhaps, they have even more nefarious intentions. The mind of a criminal is fickle and, more often than not, unstable, and in the first place, such individuals are rarely credible. If they were to promise beneficial conditions for your being, there is no way to ensure they keep to their word. Your debt, at the very least, serves as a form of protection: the nitery wouldn't be able to work you until they regain every penny you borrowed if you were dead. Arlecchino, however? They have no need to.

“You must be reconsidering my offer. That's to be expected, of course,” Arlecchino interrupts your train of thought, not a single break from their calculated way of words; it almost makes you shiver at how well they seem to read you. It truly is no wonder why they’re the fourth among the Harbingers, they truly are cunning. Do they have something to offer you for additional encouragement? 

“I have no doubt that some unfortunate circumstance must have brought you to an establishment like this. With that knowledge, hm…” Arlecchino pauses, before you feel their hand leaves your arm. The darkness of the room provides little information on what they're doing, until one of their coarse hands slides underneath your palm, lifting it slightly. Cool metal slides over your left thumb. 

“This…”

“Yes, it's a ring,” the mafia leader confirms. “More specifically, it is my ring.” 

You trace your right thumb over the ring, feeling some sort of round jewel over it. Underneath your thumb pad, is a small etching, which you trace. 

“From now on, this ring is yours. While it's not visible as of right now, etched onto it is the symbol of the Tsaritsa. It symbolizes my Harbinger status,” they continue, and you whip your attention towards them.

“Why would–” You halt yourself before you say anything impulsive. “Thank you for this, Sir, but… if it is of such significance…” 

“–why am I giving this to you? Consider this an investment. Here is my preposition to you. Come with me, and you will be fed, sheltered, and spoiled by me–my protection and overseeing of your health is, undoubtedly implied. If you are displeased with my treatment, you can leave freely, anytime, anywhere, and nothing will be asked of you–not so much as an explanation for your departure. In fact, at this very moment, you could leave right now. I will not stop you.

“The ring, being the mark of a Harbinger, will almost certainly protect you from anyone sensible enough not to touch those under the Tsaritsa’s grace. Beyond that, you could always sell it to a trustworthy jewelry inspector; I know of one if you need a reference. I guarantee you that what you will earn is enough for you to live comfortably in society for at least a decade or so.” 

“You would…” You stop to recollect your thoughts, as your body shakes, brimming with thrill. Your mind is still trying to encompass all of the capabilities this very ring contained. It may very well be worth ten times your entire life, and yet you possessed something such as this. With this, you could leave your hellish life behind. Everything you have always wanted could be right in your grasp now. You could finally enjoy a luxurious life, just by yourself. 

“You would really give this to me? Something so precious?” You question breathlessly. 

“Yes. If you would consider my preposition. So?” 

A beguiled smile makes its way onto your lips. 

—

The existence of monsters should not comfort you, but yet it does. No, that is wrong–there is just one exception. Having heard of such hushed stories, warning you to be wary of such shadowy beasts, the ones that lurk in unsuspecting corners and stalk the most innocuous of lambs, nonetheless, the notion of who can be considered as a ‘monster’ has been shattered by one individual. A monster in every right, except in any respect to you, can a diabolical angel still be deemed as such? Do they deserve to bear such a title, when every breath exhaled sends welcomed shivers down your spine and every contacted surface is blessed under their touch? 

Perhaps you are still one of those very lambs for them. There is the possibility that you are just another sheep ensnared by a charming wolf, but then it raises the question of why you haven't been devoured yet. You have no doubt of the appetite that such a beast like them would carry, but nonetheless you remain. Will your time for slaughter come? Like herded sheep, you're fenced in, grazing through the grassland placidly, but how much longer will your freedom and life extend? 

Does it still make you a sheep, if the most miniscule, internal sector of you would indulge in being devoured? 

It's something you could not help yourself from wondering, even with the graciousness from Arlecchino. They've taken care of you far better than the nitery had ever, in the span of the few weeks you've agreed to stay with them, serving as their ‘doll.’ As restrictive and degrading as the role sounds, actuality does not propose the same. You're still tied to the Fourth Fatui Harbinger–come when they beckon, obey what they will–but you have a daunting amount of individual freedom you previously could never afford. Necessities, such as a living space, meals, and clothing, are all provided, lavishly, unlike your previous work environment. 

Arlecchino personally had a room selected for you, a sizable, decorated chamber that housed a Queen bed, along with an ensuite bathroom. Restful sleep comes easy to you now that you've acquired a plush bed that dwarfs your figure. You've been spoiled with not only nourishing, but delectable dishes that you've never encountered before. Not only that, but they were made and served by personal chefs of the Harbinger. Upon arriving at your new accommodation, your wardrobe was brimming with all types of clothing that was suited to your size in all sorts of colors. 

Perhaps it is because you haven't received such treatment before, but if you had such audacity to assume, you would compare yourself to that of a monarch's favored consort. 

Your work as a ‘doll’ doesn't consist of much–that is what makes it more perplexing to you. It's not like any job or gig–you're not paid but it is no less rewarding. A ‘doll,’ from what you can presume with what they've requested of you, is a sexual partner, for when they're in need of ‘relief.’ Though you'd like for your relationship with Arlecchino to be perfectly encapsulated as just that, even that fails to entail entirely of what it is. This statement comes apparent with the case that you've yet engaged with them intimately.

You cannot deny that with this comes brewing frustration and consolation inside of you. 

In the few weeks having lived at the same residence as them, which also doubles as a base of operations for the Fatui, there's quite a few things you learn of the Knave. Their assertive presence alone commands the room upon entering, and it is felt by every single soul in their proximity. Apathetically and brutally effective is how they function, no matter their audience, though strangely you are an exception to that. Stoic as they are in every aspect of their life–whether that handling mafia matters or simply eating–they have shown acts of mercy and repayment towards their subjects, especially the younger ones underneath them. Requital seems to be one of their core values, a quality that is often paired with their demand for control. Just as they oversee all around them, they themselves are not beyond their charge.

You see the discrete conflict in their eyes before each press of their lips against yours, and in their twitching fingers, which tremble in the same reluctant manner as yours does, always lingering around your waist. Every kiss is greedy and ravenous, with the intention of stealing every bit of morality within you as they draw you in, but their touch is notably neither of the two. The Fourth Harbinger exercises an awkward balance between restraint and surrender of desires–as if they craved further connection from you, but you dare not to assume so flatteringly of yourself. For this reason alone, you do not question the Knave, but it is no less vexing. 

Beasts like themselves do not hold themselves back. They are voracious and all-consuming, they are merciless and eager in their plunders, second to none in selfishness and brutality. If Arlecchino is truly among them, then their behavior proves to only be baffling. If you cannot expect the worst from them like all monsters are, then what can you predict from them? For what reason do they restrain themselves? Why would they limit themselves when they have more than enough authority and force to take what they desire. You wish you could know, if only to end this constant, frustrating game of desire that you are losing. 

You don't understand the casual gestures that imply something more romantic if you didn't know better. The invitations to dinner, the outings with them, the chaste kisses and fleeting touches. In each interaction, you have to remind yourself of your status–that you still hold little value, no matter the change of management, and at every drop of dawn, when you lie alone in your bed, that hollow ache sweeps over you and engulfs you whole into a riptide. What more use are you than entertainment just as empty as yourself? 

Still, it is irrefutable that you hold a certain attraction to them. You covet for their contact and gaze to loiter over the expanse of your body, for their voice to always ring through your ears, for the time between the two of you to stretch past infinity; it soon occured to you that something lies deeper than just lust for the Harbinger, something you did not want to acknowledge but it has prolonged since after the first night you met them. Though Arlecchino does not place a label on the relationship, even for as foolish and swayed as you are, you could not dream beyond the contacts that hold no significance or the words that contain no promises. The knowledge of this places a heavy ache in your chest, one that pings every now and then with every meeting with the Harbinger. Knowing how futile it is, a part of yourself wants to strangle these yearnings, so that all that is choked out is a shallow, physical urge, and you no longer drown in the abyss that is Arlecchino.

It is only natural that when you harbor such complexities towards them, sexual desires, too, are a part of said twisted conglomeration of hazy emotions and affections. How many times were you in need of relief, murmuring out their name as you intensified your movements in between your legs, only to be left empty and disgruntled? If you had to give an estimate, it would be a dozen or so times. While your circumstance could no longer be judged by typical morality, the very act of yearning feels sinful, a wrongdoing, a refutal of your values. No lamb lusts over a wolf, after all, but this knowledge doesn't lessen the ache.  

So, like the meek sheep that you are, you say nothing, even when Arlecchino once again requests your presence for dinner–through a relayed message from their subordinate of course. You wonder if they're aware of the very effects they imposed on you, how the simple act of inviting you to dinner makes both your heart swim and sink simultaneously.

You knock on their office door, waiting for permission until you're asked inside. You enter with a brief awed gasp, greeted by the usual suited appearance of Arlecchino. They sit behind their desk and donning a stark midnight blazer, over an ash-colored and blood-crimson vest paired with a matching loose tie underneath the collar of their white buttoned dress shirt. A lit cigarette is perched between their lips and a pair of black reading glasses nestled on the bridge of their nose. Upon your entrance, they reach up, wrenching the cigarette from their mouth to snuff it out, rubbing the butt of the stick against the ashtray beside them.  

Near instantaneously, your stomach coils with an insufferable fervor, and you had to suppress the urge to squeeze your thighs, unless you wanted their observant eye to notice. You avert your gaze from the handsome sight to hide your flustered expression. Unfortunately, your efforts are in vain when in the corner of your eye, the ends of their frown twitch. 

They instruct you to sit at the chair across from theirs with the motion of their eyes, and you take your seat at their desk, two plates of food sitting on the wooden surface. 

“You have no issue with shellfish, do you?” Arlecchino inquires, their eyes scanning over your figure for any objections. 

“Not that I know of, sir,” you answer. The mafia leader pushes a glass with a crimson liquid in it–wine, you presume. You take it. Arlecchino is an avid wine lover from what you've discerned during past dinners; although you've done this quite a few times, the thought is dizzying of how you're holding a wine that's more than likely a thousand dollars per bottle. Like with all the previous privileges the Harbinger gifted you, this is yet again another lucrative item. It only makes you wonder to what extent the Fatui's influence goes to be able to afford such expenses on ordinary things. You swirl the drink in your hand before taking a tentative sip. Each time you drink, it’s akin to dumping gold into the sea–wasted extravagance on the likes of you. 

The wine sours the taste in your mouth but you don't make it apparent. 

Dinner remains an awkward constant, nearly unnerving. You tether between the line of being cautious and being casual. Their methodical brutalism discourages small talk from them–given the fact that they favor intention and meaningful gestures–seeming perfectly content in the silence while you stew in chagrin. With this comes their manner of eating. They eat robotically, as if the gourmet foreign meals are nothing but nourishment, and perhaps such trivialities are of no matter to them, only further emphasizing the stark statuses of you two. Their request, however, made them seem almost eager–as eager as one could possibly be for someone so stoic– given how they requested for your presence as soon as possible. Perhaps what they look most earnestly for is observing you. You're torn between thinking they enjoy your discomfort underneath their gaze, or simply find you that fascinating. Either of them escape common reasoning. 

You opt to just eat with your head down to avoid their piercing gaze throughout your meal, the only noise filling the room is the clinking of metal utensils. Struggling with removing the lobster meat from its tail, you fumble with the fork, an abashment swelling in your cheeks with the knowledge that Arlecchino was most definitely observing your tactlessness. You’ve never had shellfish prior to your stay with Arlecchino, and that was more pronounced by your lackluster attempts of stripping the shrimp shell. You attempted to learn through observation of Arlecchino, who utilizes cutlery with their typical efficiency and gracefulness. Even in the simple act of eating, they are refined in their precise and minimal movements. Unfortunately for you, that poise cannot be obtained through just viewing. 

A pale hand extends and rests on top of your hand holding the fork, the sudden contact ripping you from your thoughts and your shoulders tense. Glancing up from the shellfish, Arlecchino's ever so puncturing gaze is set on you. The thumping organ in your chest pauses for a beat once your eyes lock, manifesting a silence between the two of you. There is not a hint of irritance in their expression, and perhaps you are mistaken, but there is the gleam of amusement in their pupils. 

“Allow me,” they finally voice, their tone on the edge of venomous allure, and you could only comply immediately. Placing down the cutlery onto the plate and pulling your hands away, you expect for them to pick up the silverware again. Instead, they firmly hold down the lobster tail with one hand, the other hand pinching the succulent flesh before shredding it effortlessly from the shell with their. Such an uncouth movement that almost seems unfitting from the Harbinger, however, simultaneously, you cannot see their crude method out of place. The chunk of meat is then dipped in the aioli. 

“Open,” Arlecchino commands, and you swallow thickly, your mouth inexplicably arid in a single moment. Once again, your easily influenced heart pounds resoundingly in your ears, no doubt induced by the most miniscule of moments from the Harbinger. Their red-crossed pupils stab into you, expectancy in them, wordlessly urging you. You open your mouth and they lift the piece of lobster to your lips, sliding their fingers and the shellfish flesh inside. You clamp down on the flesh while Arlecchino fishes out her digits, pulling away with glistening liquid on the tips of her index and thumb. 

The sight makes your stomach flutter with a sensation unlike any other, an inferno emerges in your pit paired with an indisputable throbbing between your legs that makes you clench your hands into fists–a desperate attempt for restraint of your impulses. Cheeks flared from both arousal and humiliation of your indecent thoughts, you mindlessly chew on the meat, absentmindedly staring at the Harbinger while combating the vulgarity within your mind. Your liberated imagination reacts, substituting the fluid for something of a similar look that originates from a different orifice, before you banish the impurities away, remediate your thrashing heart before it threatens to collapse in itself. Finally, you swallow a bit of shellfish down your throat. 

Arlecchino hums, satisfied, before they probe your lips with their slick fingers, intent, almost predatory, gaze upon you, and their pupils glint with a faint crimson. 

“Clean them,” they order, and oh, if they knew what those two words do to you. Hot spikes of arousal pricks you everywhere in your body, and your loins grow damper, pulsing with need. 

You part your lips obediently as they insert two of their fingers. Your warm, moist mouth wraps around them. The pads of their fingers press firmly against your tongue, and compliantly, you drag the slimy surface of your organ on the undersides, lapping at the faint taste of lobster with remnants of the aioli, before swirling your tongue around to coat the entirety with your saliva. A disgusting moist squelch flees from your mouth as you continue the ministrations of your tongue, gentle and deliberate traces to make sure that their fingers are properly cleansed. 

A sudden idea comes to you, a dose of boldness injected into your veins as you continue locking their eyes with them. If they are so amused by your performance, then surely they would enjoy a little show? You silently wish for the mafia leader's grace before you act– perhaps you'd be forgiven? Better yet, you hope that you will be rewarded. They're acutely aware of the mischief in your eyes when their eyebrows lift, but you do not allow them to anticipate for long. 

You hollow your cheeks and suction around their fingers while intensifying your tongue's movements. To add to it, you lean forward, slipping their fingers deeper until your lips reach the base of their final knuckle, nearly gagging from your impulsive action. Still, it does not dissuade you, and you continue your behavior, aware this very gesture was the epitome of playing with fire. More slick sounds erupt from your suggestive acts. 

You scrutinize their facial expression for their reaction in an attempt to gauge their response, and quite notably, their pupils are darkened. Instead of the previous ruby hue, they are now a deep scarlet, bordering on maroon, and are brimming with an emotion so intense you feel as though you could be devoured whole just by their dark abysses. Their usually maintained and composed face is cracked by the parted lips of theirs, as if they were in awe of your impudence, and the slightest knit in between their brows, implying more than their regular apathy. You have drawn their attention just as you wanted, but now you fear the consequences. 

“Feeling bold, are we, doll?” They murmur in a low, tantalizing purr as they extract their fingers from you with a wet pop, and you nearly whine from the loss of contact. A dribble of spit escapes from the corner of your lips and they wipe it away with their thumb. Their middle and index finger gleam enticingly as your slaver drips down. Bringing their hand to their lips, they reward you with their own show, a slow deliberate act of tracing their fingers with their own tongue, their attention still fixated on you throughout its entirety. Watching the organ's motions further stirs the boiling desire in your groin. The Harbinger never fails to tempt you, provoking a visceral reaction from you with just the minutest gesture. 

They must know. They must know how deeply influenced you are by them. You make your allure to them unmistakable, their actions signify their awareness, and they use this to further taunt you, to further bait you into their trap. For what reason, you're not privy to, but they prey upon your desire for them, stringing you along on for their entertainment. Are they aware that this game is comparable to torture to you? Like dangling fresh greens in front of a dying, starved lamb, your ache is palpable to only you. To long for something that you cannot. It is tormenting and demeaning, though maybe that is suitable for a monster. 

A devil in the guise of an angel truly. Maybe they are purely enjoying your suffering, knowing that your every action can only be done by their whim. You have fallen in their hands, utterly dependent and reliant on them but no less grateful. A deceived sheep in the claws of a cackling wolf. It is a game to them, you are just a toy, and you would be foolish to think otherwise. So expectedly cruel, and yet it crushes your heart. You are tired of the charades, of your affections hardly acknowledged and no doubt unreciprocated, and you are tired of how their presence plagues your thoughts entirely. They are eager to use you just as they had always wanted, a ‘doll,’ something willing to twist and bend to their desires. 

You wish that you are more than just a doll. That your skin is not made of plastic, that your limbs are not so manipulatable, that the attire that you wear cannot be so easily altered based on the spontaneous desires of someone else. You do not want to take only what you've been given. Is it hopeless, brazen, to want more despite your place? Does it make you nothing more than simple-minded and naive, to wish that their touch expressed beyond the voraciousness and obscenity? 

“Did you enjoy it?” Arlecchino pries you away from your thoughts, and you flick your eyes towards them. Blinking, you finally recall the context, and fumble with your words.

“Ah, uh, yes,” you stammer, forcing a small smile, berating yourself for your blundering response. “The lobster was great. Thank you so much, Sir.”

Their pupils still remain on you, hardened with their usual frigid gaze. “Then why do you appear so downcast? Is the meal not to your liking? I will make sure the chefs prepare something else for you.” 

Your blood freezes and you go wide-eyed. Of course, they would notice your absent-mindedness, you have still yet controlled your emotions. Reprimanding yourself internally, the desire to scream out boils within you, like a pot that threatens to boil over–you want to exclaim that they are the reason you are like this, why you are in a constant state of conflict and anguish, why your heart can never rest when their presence is near. Instead, you find your throat caught in a trap, preventing any words from escaping, and any voice you try to grapple slips through your fingers. The very notion of requesting for more is insolent; had they not provided you enough? Ingrate is what you would be if you vocalize anything. 

Shaking your head, you reply with, “No, it's okay. There was nothing wrong with my meal. I was just preoccupied with my thoughts for a little bit, I apologize, sir.” 

“Please inform me what it was that was entertaining you for so long.” The implore leaves their lips as they tilt their head, propping their elbow against the table and leaning their cheek into their palm. Their attention is utterly consumed by you. 

Your lip quivers. So many unspokens lay on your tongue, awaiting for an emergence that never comes. ‘You’ is the most dire utterance, but you bite your tongue and purse your lips. Flitting your eyes down to your finished plate, you avoid their boring gaze which drills right through your skull, and manage to note your arms, which are dotted with the occasional burn scar–courtesy of the more unsavory customers–an agonizing momento of how filthy you are, sullied by many before. How you could compare to a doll is unfathomable to you. A doll's skin is not tainted, marked with signs of impurities. Even their touch, as angelic as it, could not cleanse your surface, why would they dare engage with you? 

“Trivial matters, sir,” you respond with, unable to admit the snaking insecurity up your spine, that would only have them throw you away. You gather that insecurity had no place in the Harbinger's home, that needless feelings were to be disposed of immediately. Searching their features at any hint of persuasion, their blank stare offers nothing to you. The mafia leader picks up their glass of wine, lifting it up to their lips for a sip. 

The, the glass is placed firmly on the wooden surface of the table, accompanied by a loud thud, the abruptness causing you to flinch back; your entire form taut as every fiber in your being tightens, your heart rate reverberates in your eardrums, and a cold shiver sneaks over your back. 

“Do you take me as someone so easily deceived?” They demanded, their voice instilled with cutting authority, sharper than any knife as it stabs into your gut. The lit fury in their eyes is enough to make you recoil in your seat, shrinking into yourself as if you could become small enough to disappear, and underneath their scrutiny that is all you want to do. You tore your eyes away from them, the weight of their burning stare unbearable, almost with the intention of cremating you in the very chair. A part of you wishes that were the case, if only to flee from the crisis you are now a part of, only caused by your idiocy. 

The Fatui Harbinger, for how generous they've been to you, is no less deadly, and perhaps you’ve had a healthy dosage of dismissing apparent hazards when it comes to them. Whether it be due to Arlecchino's unique charm and ambiguous benevolence, or your stubborn child-like innocence–the one that still yearns for affection and company in a cruel world–that refuses to yield, subconsciously, you knew that you would never truly be safe. No amount of self-delusion masked by wishful thinking could ever make that fruition, it will not erase the fact that your life balances on the careful palms of an awaiting wolf, whose intentions are mysterious. Nonetheless, this moment creates a no more nauseating moment that strikes your gut and fills your head with a haziness that is as oppressive as it is harrowing.

You hardly believe that you can lie once more–for all that you are aware of, Arlecchino may punish you with your death for disobeying–though with the imminent danger you’re still conflicted. You wanted to drown your fondness for them in the sea of your consciousness, anchor the hefty mass so that it could never resurface, no matter how much it struggles to swim. Complying with the mafia leader's demand means plunging your hands into the water and unlocking the chains, letting the emotions swim beyond your reach and leaving you stranded in the midst of riptides and storms. If it meant many more years without turbulent waters, then you'd never unchain them, because that is the only way to stay afloat. 

But dying due to the fear of rejection is truly a pathetic way to go, even to the likes of your already pathetic existence, isn't it? You’d like to pride yourself as above those standards, at the very least. However, unveiling your naive attachment to them is unfavorable. Whatever may come from defiance, you are not sure it is worth condemning yourself to, not for someone seemingly as volatile as they are. 

Perhaps you could still spare your buried endearment as well–twist and mangle your words until what the Fourth Harbinger knew was only the mishap-twin of the authentic version. Let them misinterpret and craft their own figment to be as far-fetched yet close from the truth as possible. Paint over and ornament your hopeless ardor until it is unrecognizable to the artist and only that. Half-truths and omission sculpted into something believable in the eyes of Arlecchino. 

“You,” you declare simply, looking up back at them with a poor imitation of their repose. “It was you, Sir.” 

Arlecchino stews in silence, although not visibly, you could presume that they have some amount of shock from your words, and the questions in their head. Their eyes darkened slightly, like dark abysses preparing to consume you whole if you so much as misstep once.

“For what reason?” 

Gulping considerably, you pull together your resolve and start. You look up to meet their steady gaze. “A quality doll requires proper care and maintenance right? Like when you said that a quality doll needed a fitting dollhouse.” 

Their hand reaches for their wine glass again.“Yes, that is true.”

“But a quality doll is wasted if it is not played with properly.”

Arlecchino breaks away their stare to intake their wine, a longer sip than their usual. “Are you implying that you are not satisfied with my treatment, Doll?” 

“No. No, I am not satisfied.” You wince at your direct response, but you are not left with any other option–you can only pray that Arlecchino doesn’t take offense to it.

“Greedy,” the Harbinger remarks as they place down the drink. “But perhaps there is some merit to it. You are right: It is my responsibility to take care of my things and it seems that I've been neglecting you.”

They flit their eyes to your plate. “Are you finished eating?” 

“Ah, yes?” You stumble over your words, a bit on edge now that their inquiry implied they had more in plan with you. It is not out of the question, though typically when they did invite you to meals like this, they would dismiss you to do what you wish afterwards, sending you away with a drawn out kiss. You're yet able to know what to make of your current situation. It required little words to gain what you wanted from the Haringer: more attentive treatment from them without the implication of your desires, so easily accepted by them. Maybe then, you wishfully 

They rise from their chair, removing their reading glasses and setting it on the surface of the desk. Strangely enough, they take their wine with them. 

“Sir?” You question as your eyes follow their movement. They maneuver around their desk, heading towards the door. 

“Follow,” they state, though there is no real urgency or demand for it, more like a suggestion. They turn their head over their shoulder, examining you–testing you, you guess–and how could you deny? You trial them after them, with an enthusiasm which you hate having to compare that to an anxious puppy. The two of you exit the office, and you’re guided to an adjacent room, this one you've never been to before, nor has ever seen its content. Since your time here, it's remained secured and you've yet seen a single soul enter. 

You're not quite sure what you expect when Arlecchino leads you inside but it certainly is not a bedroom. Nonetheless, that is what is presented to you. Simultaneously sleek and modest, adorned in splashes of black, red, and white–a color palette you associate with just one individual–it is the epitome of sophistication without bordering on extravagance and a starking reminder of the presence beside you.

For some reason, it never occurred to you that Arlecchino necessitated slumber. Perhaps since you've always considered them something else entirely, something beyond human, you feel what borders on astonishment with the discovery that, indeed, the Fourth Harbinger does sleep. To say that it humanized them in your eyes is a stretch, but it is a signifier that they are not as infallible and unfeasible as you believe. 

The implications of being guided to their bedroom, however, also creates havoc among your thoughts, and your ears all but physically singe from your mortification. Vulgar fantasies invade your mind, with images of your nude body tangled together in the satin gray sheets with varying positions. Your heart, the fickle and persistent thing that is pulipates again, pumping through your ears. The setting only enforces your wanton imagination, exacerbating its control over your mind. The delusions become not just visual, but auditory and haptic too–their whispered, husky voice murmuring sweet promises in your ear as their nails trail lower and lower from your stomach, their fingers exploring uncharted territory.

Choosing that the best course of action would be to ignore the astir depravities, you instead propose a question to the mafia member as they allow you to enter the chamber first. 

“This is… your bedroom, my Lord?” you question anxiously, taking the time to observe the room as the Fourth Harbinger enters behind you. “How come you've brought me here?” 

“I am not fond of letting blunders remain as it is for long, less of all those that are my own fault,” Arlecchino answers, the shutting of the door momentarily interrupting them. “If it can be helped, oversights must be corrected immediately. Let problems fester for too long, and they may grow beyond my control.” 

You note that it's a rather vague response. As you turn around to further confront them, there is the sudden and firm tug of your arm, and far quicker than your mind can comprehend, you're whirled around and pressed against the surface behind you. You suck in harshly from the rapid movement and an arm besides one side of your head locks you in your place, sandwiched between the door and Arlecchino with no exit available. 

Flaring crimson irises meet your vision, inky pits brimming with what could only be described as a fervor drill into you. Wildly, your heartbeat thuds against your ribcage, your breath effectively robbed by the towering being before you. Below your skin, exhilaration floods through your veins, spreading the incessant heat through your entire form, most especially to your loins. Their hot breath skims across your inflamed cheeks, and their lips only stray a few centimeters from yours. 

Involuntarily, your focus darts to their enticing mouth, which tastes like the finest of wine–so extraordinarily sweet that it is intoxicating. A flavor that keeps drawing you in, making you an alcoholic as you drink yourself dizzy from a sip, then another. And you would do anything for just another sample. You want Arlecchino to consume your entirety, your taste buds, your consciousness, your senses, surrender every part of you if it means gaining the most miniscule pieces of themselves. A plea rests on your tongue and in your wide, crinkled eyes you make your intentions clear. 

Wordlessly, you beg for them to devour you like the monster that they are. Lure you in with their touch again, which they know burns every single rational thought away and spreads a relish that feels like a religious blessing. Take you, if only for a single second, because a second will always be sufficient enough until the next, when you cannot help but wish for it sooner. 

“Do you desire me?” They speak, as if the answer is not apparent. As if the evidence is not in your trembling body, bristling with elation, or in your needy hands, which all but reach out to grasp them closer. As if they are not aware of the effects of their numerous taunts, how they fluster you enough to force you to glance away or stumble over your speech. They are aware of it as well as you are and it is with this that you realize the insinuation of their question, and this understanding is what evokes the hitching of your breath. They ask for confirmation, for approval–for consent. 

“Yes,” you answer breathlessly, no need to expend more words for something so simple. How else could you answer otherwise? 

Arlecchino does not grant you the kiss you so very much desire. Instead, they maneuver one of the arms propped against your head, their hand cups your chin with a tenderness so unlike them, and their thumb grazes over your bottom lip. Their gaze becomes entranced, fixated on your mouth. 

“Given your past employment, I was under the assumption that any gesture more sensual would unease you. For that reason, I was hesitant to initiate more. After all, nothing is more unpleasant than an unwilling toy, who does not desire to be played with. My oversight, however, has affected you adversely, which I hope to fix currently.”

Flicking their hardened stare to your eyes again, they add, “If you will allow me.” 

Stupefaction befalls upon you, your mouth parts as you grasp onto the new information. If their words are true, then it means that your attraction to them is mutual, not one-sided, and their established distance was out of consideration for you. The thought is more than enough to spark giddiness within you. The Harbinger may not be so inaccessible as you previously thought, perhaps your affections could reach them. 

They hardly seem so monstrous as they did three weeks ago. Maybe they never were one to begin with. Your elated-addled brain can hardly produce a coherent string of thoughts, leaving you to only feebly nod. 

That is enough as a response for Arlecchino as they descend upon you, slotting their lips over yours in a way that can only be described as perfection. Their lips drains you of your oxygen, but were you capable of it, you would allow them to steal every part of you with their perfect mouth. The succulent flavor of them remains constant, delectable as they were on the first night you met the Harbinger, and even after the numerous kisses you've shared, they are just as intoxicating. You briefly wonder if you're only drunk off of their taste because of the taste of aged wine still abundant on their lips. Arlecchino swallows you up into an eternal riptide of their taste, and you willingly drown, surrendering the rest of your senses to delight in this. 

This is the type of sensation that comes from dancing around a demon, the sort of feeling that makes such heartache involving the fallen angel all the more worthwhile yet agonizing; it serves to only lure you further in its trap that you can't fathom escaping from. Now, your body buzzing with an elation that can't be matched by another, all you can wonder is how you've been able to live this long without this very gesture that breathes back life through your veins and makes your heart swell with vitality. With this, you believe this is the pinnacle of your life–no other experience that can quite enrapture you like this–a phantom ache finally filled, finally whole. 

Half-lidded eyes with crimson x's lock on yours, and you think you may have rediscovered your favorite color. 

You lift your arms over their shoulders and fold them behind the mafia leader, locking them in place. With a gentle tug forward with your arms, they lean deeper into your kiss, and a deep grunt rumbles through their chest, inducing goosebumps over your skin. Meanwhile, your fingers card through their silky, snow-colored strands, tugging lightly as you moan softly against their lips. Something warm settles on your right cheek, cupping that side of your face delicately. 

The rough texture of their tongue presses against your lips, before their lips latch onto your bottom one. They suckle with such a gingerness you forget about the depraved hunger behind their x-pupils, a plea for permission, for entry which you allow instantly. You part your mouth. With a fevered haste, their tongue slips into your orifice, and you let out a throaty groan. It invokes a rumbling through their throat, a sound that must have belonged from seraphs. They urge on, exploring the contours of your mouth with the intent of diligently memorizing the relish and texture. Committed to familiarizing themselves with every crevice and curve, they scrape their tongue against yours, before prodding gently deeper, grazing the roof of your mouth. 

In turn, you playfully drive your tongue forward, caressing against the bottom of their flexible organ. A pleased hum resounds through them, the reverberation making you shudder delightfully. Your body feels like it's being swarmed with an oppressive heat, willpower and sanity suffocating under the mafia leader's every action, and every thought replaced with the stabbing desire that courses through your veins. Every second that they linger, an invisible string tugs you towards their direction with the lightest pressure, and you’re once more in their neatly filed claws. 

Is it really sending a lamb to the slaughter when the lamb is willing, or when the wolf is so inviting? 

The lack of swelter is palpable once they suddenly break away, and you realize belatedly the lack of air in your lungs. You heave for air, and Arlecchino does the same, every brief exhale tickling your cheeks. Silence, save for your rapid breathing, fills the room, but the mutual eye contact says more than enough between you two. 

“Do you want to…?” The Harbinger inquires, their words halting into a tense silence, vigilantly examining your features. 

“Please,” is all you could whisper out, as if that very word carried your entire soul with it, and the singular murmur shatters the being before you. Just a second ago, what stood before you was a person of authority and restraint. Arlecchino was esteemed among the Harbingers, a mortal representation of poise and dignity. Never before has their composure faltered, not to any enemy or ally; there’s yet been an instance that the mafia’s leader's repose was weakened. However, you have always been an anomaly. 

Their crimson pupils pierce into you, as their hands linger beneath your hips. 

“You truly will be the death of me.”

---

Reference for Arlecchino in the second half.

You didn’t win again. It was expected, but you hated that thought. Even after all this time, you weren’t good enough. At first, the duels were fun–you were learning, improving in real time. The Knave is truly an impressive swordswoman, but for all you have done–incorporating new techniques, switching up movements, utilizing feints–you couldn’t win, not even seem to surprise or shock her. Everything was fruitless and you grew desperate as the more days passed. The defeats grew more in number, and the confidence in your skills, the same ones that set you apart from other rookies in the Marine, faltered.

You grimace down at your feet while the small crowd dies down, the lively crew of the House of the Hearth pirates praising their compliment. The occasional gentle encouragement accompanies their whoops and hollers, but you try to earnestly ignore them. Their words make your chest uncomfortably tight. 

“You’re improving,” you hear the pirate captain say matter-of-factly when you pick up your fallen sword. You click your tongue and shake your head, clenching and unclenching your fists. You bury the fuzzy warmth that bubbles inside you deep, deep enough to have sunk to the seabed of your heart. You are not to take praises or encouragements from pirates sincerely. You have already crossed too many lines as a Marine. 

“Again,” you demand, reassuming position for another bout, raising your wooden stick. 

A sliver of a smile forms its way on the victor’s face, and she shakes her head. Clapping her hands together, she gathers the crew’s attention. “Children, that should be enough entertainment for one night, yes? Retire for bed, unless you’re on Lookout duty tonight.”

Your lips form a tight line at her rejection. 

Some whiny protests come from the younger of the crewmembers, which only irks you more. So young are these children, and your thoughts on the House of the Hearth pirates remain unresolved, still as complicated as they were when you encountered them. What kind of testament is to their captain that these children can still behave appropriately for their age? Should such child-likeness be deprived of them in favor for the harsh conditions they face, or is it exactly because of the weariness that surrounds them that they should remain innocent?

As they scurry off, your gaze never leaves them until the last, lagging crewmember shuffles into his cabin. He is barely of age, just shy of 15 or 16 you can guess. He wanders like he’s never been dealt a single bad hand of fate, but the large scar on his face implies otherwise. All the boyish confidence and vitality a child his age should have are present in his stature. 

“What draws your attention?” The woman breaks your ponder, and you snap your attention back to her. 

“Nothing,” You answered quickly. “Did you really stop our duel to retire?” 

The Knave gives you that strange look that she has been giving you for the past week, taking in your entirety as if trying to decipher you. “No. I thought the reprieve was necessary for you.” 

Your eyebrows knitted together. “For me?”

“Your hands were shaking.”

You glance down at your hand holding the blade. Confirming her statement, your hand is trembling, and even when you willed it, the movements did not stop for a moment. The aches in your legs and arms protest, but you ready your sword again. 

“Another round.” It’s not a request from you. 

“Are Marines this sore of losers?” The pirate captain remarks, but there is little light-heartedness to be found in her tone. It is mocking, provocative, and truly irritating. Her pose remains casual, and she does not lift her sword. 

“I’m using you for training. Raise your sword.” 

The captain does not twitch a single muscle. Instead, she lifts her gaze to you, her expression shifting to something more familiar of a pirate. Cutting into you deeper than any sword could, her stare hardens. 

“You seem to forget your place, Marine. The outcome will not change tonight.”

That truth is undeniable and yet, the recognition still churns your chest. Her words do little to the blaze that refuses to smolder, common sense be damned. Your week-long losing streak only frustrated you increasingly, bullying you beyond your patience and humility. Among your fellow Marines, you were said to be one of the best rookies among your rank, a rising star on the seas bound to shine brightly. What little that renown meant every time your sword clashed with the Harbinger’s. None of the acknowledgement you received or your rank as commander have aided you in combat. Was it all pretenses because of your family’s lineage and status, or had this always been the limit of your abilities? Have you always been this fraud? 

The uncertainty for the answer only makes your mouth sour. 

You part your lips, about to utter something that is above the likes of pirates and below the integrity of the Marines–a plea–but you stop yourself. Even in your hazy midst of inferiority, you must retain a semblance of dignity. 

“Just indulge me this once more,” you finally answer, a finality to your voice, a callback to her own words when she first asked for a duel.

The two of you knew you were never going to let her refute. The tip of your wooden weapon scrapes across the floorboards before you lunge at her, a sharp and precise thrust that would have surely met her. Effortlessly, however, she parries with a swipe to the right, diverting your dominant away. She swings down, slashing to your left with a disturbing swiftness. Your trained instincts allow you to avoid it narrowly, leaning back just for the blade to graze your shirt. Taking advantage of her position, with a sharp turn, you slice down across to her chest, only for your blade to be caught halfway by her hilt. 

The two of you remain at a momentary standstill, unmoving and contending for control. Eventually, however, your arm gives way, and she thwarts your hand to the side, leaving your front vulnerable. She takes the opportunity to thrust into you, and you’re forced to evade with a large step back, only she follows up, relentlessly attacking you with a flurry of slices and cuts. Despite your exhaustion and soreness, your defense endures, but a chance for the offensive is scarce. The Knave throws in the occasional feint, most of which you are able to guard at the last instant, while the rest you utilize your agility to avoid. 

Eventually, your fatigue shows through once you raise your blade to defend a thrust, but her sword slides to the side against the length of your weapon, cutting into the top of your shoulder. You bite down a hiss of pain, embracing the position and stepping forward into her. Preparing a pinpoint thrust that would have surely met her had it not been that your knee locked into place, cramping up from overexertion. An intense pang shoots through you, unable to continue forward, causing you to collapse onto the floor. You clutch onto your leg while your muscles clench and unclench rapidly, spreading the throbs across your body. A throaty cry of agony is ripped from your throat, tears brimming at your eyes that threaten to fall. 

The wooden blade clatters to the floor at the captain’s feet.

You bite down sharply on your tongue to repress any more noises of weakness, regretting it immediately when the thick, metallic, liquid floods your mouth. Lying on the floor, you could no longer bear anymore ignorance to the state of your body, all the weariness and stings you earned throughout the week shoving its way to the front of your mind. No longer could you wield your limbs, not when it feels as if every inch of your flesh is contracting within itself.

The pain eats away at not just the function of your body, but at your self-regard. Your crushed morale invites your insecurities into your thoughts freely. Was this all you could do? Is this all you could amount to? Why couldn’t you be better? How could you expect to be a great Marine if there is this indomitable force in your opposition? You can never gain your family’s love or respect like this. Not only had you faced the humiliation of being saved by pirates, but also repeatedly bested by one. You were pitied by pirates, damn it. Those shrill, mocking comments of the crew rings through your head, weren’t they just jabs at you, wanting to continue your own humiliation? They must have been cheering for your defeat, why wouldn’t they? They would be ecstatic to see a Marine, their enemy, be beaten down, over and over again by one of their own.

You know that the Marines would be if it was a pirate in the same situation. 

Through the blurred pain and the internal turmoil around you, both of your legs seize up, like anchors have been chained to each one. Each movement of muscle is agony, but even that is dulled by your oppressive thoughts. So you lay on your side, uselessly, uncaring of the vulnerability your current state implies. Archons, what would your captain think if he knew you were in this state?

Nothing had changed. You hadn’t gotten better, hadn’t gotten closer to being a better fighter. The most you achieved was swallowing loss after loss. Defeat and failure was unbecoming of someone from your lineage–not your family. You were supposed to be one of the greats, that was in your blood. Victory and glory was laid down before you, but that didn’t seem the case anymore. Not only were you a failure, you were spared and sheltered by pirates, and then played house with them; all things that Marines should have never allowed to happen. You became a fraud of a Marine, letting these damn pirates make you doubt those among your own ranks and shake up your convictions. They thought you were weak enough to recruit you. You have long betrayed the values the moment you were rescued. And even now, you’re unable to redeem yourself.

Why? Why aren’t you good enough? If you were meant to be great, why was this where you were? Where have your praised swordsmanship and ingenuity gone? Broken and defeated in front of a pirate, did they abandon you or were they never there? Had all the years of training–enduring your family’s harsh demands and surviving their strict regime–all for naught, wasted on a sham of a Marine? Was clawing, struggling for their approval and gaze a futile effort? Have you always been undeserving of them, undeserving to join them, undeserving of the rank and achievements you gained?

You never deserved anything because you were never enough; surely, you wouldn’t be enough now. 

Your body refuses to move as you command it to. It has given up on you too. 

The scraping of wood cuts through and through your blurry vision you watch as an item is kicked towards you by the Knave’s heels, stopping just before your face. It is the wooden sword.

“You’ll need it again.” As if her words were definite, she carries them with a certain resolution. Her heels click against the floor, growing quieter as she walks away, not a single glance back. 

“No, I won’t,” you rasp out, barely audible. 

Her heels stop at your response. Silence stretches on for what feels like hours. What would the great Knave have to say for the fallen Marine?

“It wasn’t a suggestion.” Cold, absolute. Yet underlying that, in a similar way your father would berate you, there’s the oh, so familiar disappointment. You hate it, hate it, hate it.  

Even the Knave’s discontent makes your chest twist excruciatingly, and your body weighs heavily with their heavy judgement. All too vividly does the memory of your near-death flood back to you, the same helplessness and despair you felt when you were plunged into frigid seas pangs through you. Your captain watched your desperation, heard your distraught cries, and turned away. And for what?

Maybe your captain was right to have abandoned you then. 

Your chest twists and coils inside of you, painfully. 

You should have just died then.

It would have been simple. It would have been easy. It would have been a tragedy. Your family will speak of you in recognition of you, and then resume their lives. Your life would be just a small, overlooked blemish in your family’s legacy of greatness. 

At the very least, you would have died with honor, as a hero, without having to suffer being spared by pirates. You would have been a sprout that got pruned before it could blossom, not the fallen star you are now. Or was it that your captain knew beforehand of your futility and just grasped the opportunity to get rid of one more fool unbefitting of the Marines? Your being might as well have been irrelevant, unnecessary for the Marines. Then was it truly a betrayal to you when it was to benefit the Marines as a whole? 

“I’m… I can’t.” A weak, broken sound buried under the crashing of waves against the boat and the moaning of winds.

She does not say anything. She does not need to. The silence implies enough.

You can’t bear to look up. You don’t want your imagination to confirm the expression on their face. Perhaps pride at what she’s accomplished? She and her crew have played their psychological games on you, and now that she’s seen how you’ve cracked, she’s enjoying the sight. You can imagine the rumored, wicked smile of hers as she peers down at you. You wonder how much more elated she would be if she knew of your family, how nice it would be to have taken down someone from the prestigious Marine lineage–the very one that has inspired so much fear among the mass of pirates. To know how different you were from the rest of your family members. And you were nothing compared to them. 

Her footsteps sound through the ship, but this time they grow louder, closer. You can see her heels approach, coming into view.

“Are you no longer going to fight me?” Firm, but undoubtedly with a challenge behind them.

Even if you willed yourself to, you could not summon the strength to answer truthfully. You can no longer meet her challenge–you’re not an equal to her and never were.

“If you won’t continue our bouts, then I’ll take that as an acceptance to my offer.”

Briefly, your bewilderment snaps you away from your despondency. “What?” 

“My offer to join my crew. I will announce it to them the next morning. The children will be pleased to have another with them.” 

The damn audacity of this scheming pirate–! She dare say such an outrageous claim with an aggravatingly stoic tone! To make such a sardonic jest at a fallen person! Oh, you wish you could overthrow her off of the ship this very second. 

“I have agreed to no such thing!” You cry out immediately, disturbed at the lengths the pirate captain leapt to reach that conclusion. Your fist slams down against the floorboard, finally lifting your furious gaze to meet her eyes. Once more that night, you are shocked–there is no glee to her expression, nor is there pity. Only a chilling indifference. It bemuses you. Is this no trick or joke played by her–not another show to further humiliate you?

“If you will not fight me, it means you no longer oppose me. And I will take that as a willingness to join my crew.” As if it was the only next logical sequence of events. 

“That is preposterous reasoning!” 

“You are my captive,” she enunciates the last word, dripping with authority. Reminding you once more of her words on the day of your ‘rescue.’ 

I chose for you to live. Your life or death is my choice.

You shudder. 

“I can very easily subject you to accepting my graciousness. So on what grounds do you believe you can reject me?” 

That much is true. You cannot stop her, that fact was made evident. However, the thought of being among them, with the Knave… you instinctively scrunch up your nose and refute it. Even you could not stoop that low. 

“I won’t join you.” This is the singular thing you are certain of, the only words you have any strength behind. 

“And for what reason?”

“Because I am…” The words are stuck in your throat. You sniffle. 

Even if you don’t deserve that title, it’s all you have. It’s all you are. Is it? What are you if not a Marine? Being a Marine is all you coveted your entire life. It is all there is to you. For how weak that you are, for how unbefitting you are, you are desperate to cling onto this one thing, the one label that ties your life to something greater. 

“What are you?”

But you can no longer proudly proclaim it anymore. You glance back down at the floor, skirting your eyes away from her form. Her unyielding stare unnerves you, prickling over your skin. 

Another stretch of quietude slips between the two of you. The pirate captain sighs once more as she approaches closer, crouching next to you and peering down at your figure. You duck your head to hide the remnants of the tears on your face. 

“Are you able to stand?”

You don’t want to–no, you can’t admit it. A voice inside your head, belonging to your father, demands for you to stand, to reject any offer of help or kindness, to grit your teeth and push through. That is what any good Marine should be able to do. Anything less is unsatisfactory. In combat against pirates, no one–not your crew and especially not pirates– will be there to help you. 

Then why did she save you? She offered you a position to join her crew, even if it was because she pitied. She thought you were wronged by your Marine captain, but reframing that night… you could no longer see it the way she did. You weren’t wronged. He only saw how much of a burden you would be. If your captain didn’t want you, why would she? And why would she let you stay after you rejected her? Why not forsake you into the sea; just like your own captain had done? Hadn’t she already seen the same worthlessness that your captain must have noticed?

The pirate captain draws your attention before you can delve into your thoughts again. “It is a simple question. Or did the Marines fail to teach you how to answer with a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no?’” 

“No,” you finally profess in a stifled mutter. It’s already too late for you to redeem yourself anyway. Not to yourself, not in the eyes of the Marines, and not to the Knave. 

No longer do you have the resolve to contest her again, not with your legs challenging any stir of movement and your upper body all too heavy to support. You tense up when she touches the small of your back while the other arm slides underneath your knees. She heaves you up with little difficulty in her arms, a testament to her strength hidden by her lean stature, carrying you in such a mortifying way like a petulant child. Thank the Archons no one is here to witness you.

She’s warm. Almost unbearably so. It should be impossible through the layers of fabric that separates the two of you, but somehow she emits body warmth like a fire. So different from the howling winds and the lapping of the waves against the hull. Different from her minced words and her hardened glares. But nothing like the way she holds you. It would be better if she simply tosses you like a sack to wherever it is she intends on taking you to, but once again, you’re powerless to change this situation. It’s gentle, unlike anything you know of her, what little you do that is.

It’s foreign. Too different from everything you’ve been accustomed to before all of this happened. You detest it. Why must she so frustratingly contrast every presumption you had of her? 

Somehow, it makes your form want to relax, release all of the knitted tension in your muscles. You grow drowsier with each passing second,  but you know better to surrender to such brief respite. The lessons of a Marine shoves itself in front of your thoughts, reminding you once more how you’re failing their lessons. This situation is too compromising of a position. You’re vulnerable, and she can easily hurt or incapacitate you. Even when she’s yet done anything to suggest she would at the moment, all your mind can think of is the danger she imposes just by being what she is.

She’s a pirate. Someone who raids and plunder. Someone who is supposed to fall by your blade. Someone who you’re supposed to protect people from. 

You know this, oh, so clearly. But with your mind in a fog, contending between its exhaustion and vigilance, it seemed like that fact was little more than a worn ache. This, too, is a battle you cannot win and you give way to weariness. While she makes her way through the ship with a steady pace, your head gradually tilts downwards until you are leaning against her shoulder. If she paid any mind to that, she did not make it apparent.

Fatigue makes its way up from your limbs and body to your face. Each interval between blinks becomes shorter and shorter, and staying awake begins straining your eyes.

Rest comes easy with her. You wish it didn’t. 

If you were more sound of mind… well, you suppose it did not matter anymore. 

Just as you close your eyes, she stops, shifting you to be supported by one arm as she unlocks her door with a key she fishes from her belt. Following her entrance, she shuts the door with a sharp kick. The resounding thud jolts you awake right as she crouches down to lay you down on the cot on her floor. Like every night for the past week, she fixes your restraints, attaching a chain to your ankle. ‘Safety,’ she had replied when you inquired her, though you hardly pose a threat to her awake, much less asleep. 

She does not order you to sleep, as she had done the other times. Of course, you never listened to her before, but you are terribly tempted to now. But as you settle in, you notice that she does not head to sleep, instead seating herself at her desk and lighting the lantern by her desk. From your position, you cannot see what she is doing, but you assume she is reading something. Strange. Most pirates, like most masses, are illiterate, as literacy is typically reserved for nobles and aristocrats. Who had taught her how to read? Even your literacy is limited, tailored to just be able to read relevant documents for when you become a high enough ranking Marine. 

There is the flutter of pages as she thumbs through the text. You have never been curious then, but you are now. You let out a soundless yawn, sitting up and rubbing your eyes to stay up for just a little longer. 

You do not know what possessed you, but the words come from your mouth before you can stop it. “What are you reading?”

It’s barely louder than a whisper, and you would not be surprised if it goes unnoticed by her. You think it did, until she finally answers.

“A fascinating account from a former Marine Admiral,” she drawls sarcastically. “The previous Admiral [Last Name].”

Your blood freezes as you hear your last name, your heart skipping a beat as a singular thought runs through your mind. Does she know your family? Of what family you came from? Is this a taunt, or merely a coincidence? 

“What could a pirate benefit from reading that?” You question, concealing your shock. 

“Reading how the former Admiral reveres himself is quite amusing, though the feats he writes of having achieved are truly impressive if they are to be accurate. I cannot imagine how many journals he must have filled with flattery of himself. In any case, for as entertaining stories as his journeys seem to be, what he details are faithful to current Marine strategies and actions.”

You knit your eyebrows, still trying to discern if the mention of your family name was a coincidence or intentional. You decide not to reveal anything, though it feels like a betrayal to say nothing in defense of your retired uncle. 

“How were you able to obtain such a book? A bookkeeper would never allow a pirate to purchase that text.” 

“Purchase?” She chuckles, shaking her head. “Did you forget who I am?”

She says it so casually, as if it does not evoke the thought of her committing the worst atrocities a human can commit. You really hate how often she makes you forget what she is. To what lengths did she go just to take what she wanted? 

“Did you kill him? The bookkeeper?” You ask levelly. 

The Knave raises an eyebrow, looking up from her desk to meet your eyes. Taking a moment to examine your expression, something she seems to love to do with how frequently she does it, she replies. “No. I did not touch him. Does that reassure you?” 

It does. A part of you chants that they are all lies, that the pirates are not above anything, but you swallow that part down. “Did you steal from him?”

“No. In fact, when I stepped into his establishment, he was very insistent on offering me any texts that I wanted without payment. I took his offer, and this was one of his books. I left with no damage to his store or his person.” 

“He was terrified of you.”

“He was,” she agrees. “But had he not offered, I would have, truly, paid for them fully.”

“With the money you had stolen and killed for?” 

“Whatever answer that I give you, you will always assume what you have already convinced yourself of.” 

That reply silences you. She is different from everything you have been taught, almost. The Knave is intelligent, cunning, yes, but she is not crude… that is if what she is saying is true. She is not above reason and morals, that much seems true. Were other pirates like her, or is she the exception? While she technically did not answer your question, what reason does she have to lie? Or has she been lying this entire time? Archons, the Harbinger is exasperating to even try and comprehend. You were too tired for any more of this. 

You lay back down onto the cot, the soreness of everything getting to you. An explicable thought comes to you, and you cannot help but vocalize it. 

“Do you read aloud to your children?”

“Yes. Though they prefer sea shanties and fairy tales.” 

“Read to me.”

“...very well.” 

And she does. You do not know why she obliges you. You do not know why you would request such a thing. But as the very journeys your uncle retold to you as bedtime stories fill the room, you feel your eyelids droop lower and lower. Her speech is silky smooth, rich and deep, pleasant to your ears. Why had you only noticed now?

You drift off sooner than you want. Vaguely, you feel something being draped over the length of your body. It smells of brine, cinnamon, wood, and smoke. You pull it closer to you. 

You've never wanted to be a dragon hunter. It's an arduous job in a kingdom known for its dragon outbreaks. The Majesty is prompt in requesting dragon hunters, sending them from one corner of the kingdom to the other unhesitatingly, and frequently underestimate the duration that these kill orders take. When the process of dragon hunting involves tracking the dragon, finding the dragon's sanctum, preparing to combat against a dragon, and finally, killing it, it takes at least a week if it's one of the older dragons. The Majesty has high expectations, and it's a struggle to keep up with them. Kill orders were often piled on top of one another, which means immediately after you complete one, it is off to finishing the next one.

It is a job of ruin. When was the last time you've gotten more than a few hours of sleep? The last time you've had a full meal? The last time you were able to have a relaxing bath? 

Killing dragons is not how you would like to waste away your life, slaving away under a duty that everyone idolizes. As you carry on your role, you begin to learn more and more about these flying reptiles; dragons are fascinating, intelligent creatures. It is a shame that many villagers are so terrified of them, dragons actively avoid humans; though for one reason or another, dragons occasionally seek the nearest human civilization, eating farm animals and destroying any shelter or barricade that stands in their way. Perhaps you're just foolish, but you believe that there is a real reason for this behavior, and that there could be a solution to this. 

Until then, you could do little more but heed each order, slaughtering dragon by dragon. Their dying cries plague your dreams every night, leaving you empty and restless. 

You arrive at a village, the emblem on your chest plate that indicates your occupation glints as you step out of the carriage. The village head greets you quickly, settling you down in front of a cup of tea and some snacks, before cutting straight to the details.

“This dragon… I'd be careful. I've heard of you, a genius among geniuses in terms of dragon hunting, but I warn you right now. This dragon is different. Smarter, more powerful than your typical one, I bet. Its fire… even among other dragons, isn't comparable. It can torch the whole village, and it got damn near close to. Cunning bastard as well, it can pinpoint where our sheeps are and it can evade our traps. It disappeared from our village a few decades… we assumed it died naturally, but then it returned again earlier this season.”

“When was the last time it attacked? Do you know what kind of dragon it is?”

“No. We’ve never seen a dragon like it before. I'm not sure if it follows under the kingdom's classifications. It's black and white with three pairs of wings! And its tail… sharp like, like…like a scythe, can slice houses in half! Its claws are just as dangerous too. Can breathe fire, of course.”

Three pairs of wings… that means this dragon is considerably old. Dragons gain pairs of wings after their first set through molting, which only occurs every fifty or sixty months following reaching maturity, meaning this dragon was at least a century old. You grimace. Older dragons are always harder to get rid of. Most of the dragons that you encounter only have one pair, on the rare occasion, two. This is the first time you've been assigned a three-paired dragon.

Its colorings are also strange; you've never heard of a black and white dragon specifically. The tail description, however, isn't very uncommon; it could be a signifier that this is an incredibly rare hybrid among dragon species. If it's as powerful as it's said, and if you consider its age, then perhaps they come from one of the Dynasty species… but a descendent of that species hasn't been seen in many years. If this is true, then of course it wouldn't follow under the kingdom's ordinary classifications of dragons. Still, a hybrid? Mating between different species almost never happens. This really was a special case. And its disappearance? You couldn't even fathom why.

“Do you know at least where it lives?”

The village head turns to his right, pointing in that direction. “If you continue that direction, you'll come across a forest. That's where it goes. We don't know where it lives, we've been too scared to try and find out ourselves.”

You sigh. Well, this wasn't much to work with. “Is there anywhere I can stay?” 

“Yes, yes. There's a room above the bar that's just for you. Free of charge, of course. The food as well. Just please… eradicate this beast.” 

“I'll do my best.” 

—

No matter how many forests you go to, you never become fonder of them. Traversing them was always annoying. Too much greenery to walk through, too many streams and rivers to cross, and just too many damn trees. This terrain is especially difficult to find traces of dragons in. It'd be better to make your own traces then scour through the forest to search for them, hence why you're at a stream, catching as much fish as you can with a net. Fish makes for good dragon bait, though you don't intend to use it to trap the dragon. You doubt any trap you could make in the little time you have could kill or harm the dragon, but it will lure the dragon to you.

You pause to take a break, glancing at the pile of fish you've collected. The smell is starting to assault your nostrils. Ugh. 

You hear a crunch behind you, and you turn. Your eyes widen and you pick up your sword, raising them towards the three dragons that surround you. Adrenaline pumps through you as you stand up, observing the creatures. 

All of them only have one-pair of wings, with similar features and size; they’re as large as bear cubs, if you subtract their tail length, and you realize that they're baby dragons, yet to reach maturity. They have, notably, distinct colorings, but they all share the same black and gray coloring. Perhaps they come from the same hatch? The one to your right has red, almost maroon, splotches over their scales. This one is wide eyed, but its features are relaxed as if playful and curious. The one in the middle seems to be the smallest, fearful as if it’s cowering with its dipped head and the tail wrapping around itself protectively; this one has almost a marigold accent to it. The one to the right is teal, and passive, like it doesn't see you in the slightest. 

Baby dragons are hardly as aggressive or destructive as their adult counterparts, but that doesn't mean they can't pose a danger. Still, you don't want to harm them, not when they haven't done anything that would warrant you to.

The red one approaches, deliberately, sniffing towards your direction. You brace your sword, and it trudges up to you, nostrils grazing against your armor before it nudges against your hand. It then walks past you, its focus deadset on the pile of fish behind you. The two other dragons follow in the red one's lead, and you sigh in relief, placing your sword back in its sheathes.

Baby dragons, three of them especially, are a rare sight, as they're often sheltered in their father's den, and they don't venture out until they've fully matured. This being because they're quite vulnerable despite the threat they hold once they've matured. Eliminating them is a part of your duty, however, you never feel right killing creatures that have just hatched. They couldn't be more than ten years old; they still had a few more decades before they could pose a danger. If they're out like this, it's likely they've been abandoned. Mother dragons often leave their young after childbirth, and the fathers are left to take care of them; it could be that the father died recently. 

Whatever the case, you think that they deserve to live a little longer. Plus, they're kind of cute… 

Although, the more you observe them, the more you feel you should prevent the fish supply you spent all day getting from declining. They seem less cute now. You groan as they eat until there's no more fish, and they turn back to you, croaking as if requesting more. 

What are you, their mother? Your eye twitches in vexation. 

You spend your evening fishing for baby dragons at the river. Un-fucking-believable. Weren't you wonderful at your job? 

You decide to leave the dragons at the river bank as you search for wood to make a campfire. To your slight annoyance and amusement, the young dragons trail behind you. You get random twigs and branches that scatter the forest floor. One of the dragons, the yellow one, picks up a branch in their mouth, before offering it to you. 

Damn it, why did you have to be a dragon hunter? You take the stick in your hand, hesitantly petting the top of its head. This is something you’ve never done before, but you wouldn't mind doing it again. It leans into your hand. You don't deserve this treatment, you hunt their kind. Oh, how you wish you could tell them what you'd have to do once they grow up. Why did you have to be a dragon hunter? You're holding back tears as you continue the petting action. 

Its other siblings, unbeknownst to your existential crisis, follow its behavior, and you've turned the baby dragons into your personal campfire wood carriers. You think dragon trainor fits you better than a dragon hunter at this point, but that profession doesn't grant an affordable life. 

Seating yourself on a tree stump, you build your campfire and light it. You use it to cook a fish over, while you try to fend off said trout from being eaten by the dragons. By the time it's done cooking, the little creatures are exhausated, curling against you as the three fall asleep against your legs and back. You don't want to admit it, but it's a comfortable weight against you. You didn't even know that dragons snore until now.

Peace at last, you think, finally able to eat your fish alone. 

Too soon, too soon. You hear it before you see it, the whipping of winds that you can only associate with the beating of dragon wings as it flies. The sound grows louder, meaning it's heading straight towards you. You stand up, unsheathing your sword and bracing yourself for an assault. Shit, shit, shit, you're not prepared to fight in this territory whatsoever. What was it attracted to? The campfire? The smell of your fish? Or perhaps… you glance at the still sleeping creatures. 

You don't have much time to ponder as the ground shakes when the beast lands in front of you, right on top of the river, its gargantuan form making you tremble. An earth shattering roar escapes its throat, nearly making you tumble back from the sheer force, and your ears ring painfully. 

You've never seen a larger dragon before. You count the pair of wings through squinted eyes. One, two, three. This is the dragon you've been hired to hunt? 

The hand holding your sword doesn't stop shaking, no matter how much you try to control your muscles. The adult dragon nears, and your heart rate pounds louder and louder with each footstep. Black and white colorings? Check. Sharp tail? Check. You know you have to fight it, but how could you possibly? It dwarfs you in every single way possible. 

It swipes its tail at you, and you duck as fast as possible, just barely missing being sliced in half like the trees behind you. Its tail retracts to lunge at you again, and you block the sharp end with your sword, though it just swats you away easily, throwing you across the bank of the river. You land on the gravel with a pained groan, and you scramble to get up, facing the dragon. 

Piercing red-crossed eyes gaze back at you, and you no longer feel like the hunter. Instead, you feel like the prey, and every fiber of your being is telling you to run. You wield your sword again resolutely. If you die, then you die, but you'll die knowing you tried. The dragon tilts its head back, preparing its fiery breath, and you ready your wrist shield. 

Suddenly, a familiar croak comes from behind the adult dragon, and you see the baby dragons rush into the adult dragon, headbutting its feet. The dragon snaps its head back into its normal position, gazing down at the small dragons at its feet. You're afraid that the larger dragon will crush them, but instead it growls. The young ones chirp back, communicating with it. 

You stand there, bewildered, the pieces coming together in your mind quickly. Is the black and white dragon their father? Are they trying to save you? The tension in your shoulders relaxes the slightest bit. The father dragon whips its head back to you, and you freeze, paralyzed under its predatory gaze. Too swiftly does its tail shoot towards you, but instead of impaling you as you prepared, it merely wraps around your midsection, lifting you effortlessly. You drop your sword out of pure shock from being in mid air, and it brings you face to face with the dragon. 

The dragon snarls, baring its teeth, and you think it's the end once you see its pearly whites. Instead, however, it sniffs you, before pausing, observing you more. You're holding your breath, wondering when you will meet your fate. It opens its mouth wide, displaying a row of teeth in its oral cavern. You squeeze your eyes shut but all you feel is something warm, wet, and slimey. A tongue drags across your face, and you cringe, immediately bringing your hands to wipe away the thick saliva. The tail around you loosens, and you fall on your back, grunting from the impact of hitting the floor. 

Okay. Well, you're alive at least, you think, once you get the liquid out of your eyes but it is unfortunately in your hair. If it hasn't killed you yet, then it must mean that it likes you? 

You open your eyes, and see that the dragon lays in front of you, its snout just a feet away from you. Each huff from the dragon blows your hair back with hot air, but you don't mind it. The smaller dragons prance by your side, chirping and croaking with a high-pitched tone. Bemused but just grateful that you've yet met your end, you pet their heads. By the growl from the father, they approve of your action, and your heart melts. You reach out to pet the snout of the larger dragon, and it closes its eyes, further nudging against you before a grumbly purr escapes its throat.

Still, when you meant that the sea was calling out for you, you meant in a figurative sense. Not in a literal sense. Though if this was the kind of sign the ocean was giving you, you might as well jump the ship. 

—

Pretty gems came far and few in Arlecchino's eyes. Humans, lost at sea and lured in by her voice, were easy meals. She was rarely picky with her meals, sustenance was sustenance, she supposes, but still she finds it disappointing the lack of humans that were easy on her eyes. The seas were infested with brutish and crude-looking humans, particularly among the males. It is a shame that it's been a good while since she's seen a human female, with their fair bodies and their soft features– a suitable mate for her. 

She wanders the sea again, not especially hungry, but if she finds a meal or two, she wouldn't have to find another for a few more days. Traveling through the waters, sniffing for the faint and familiar scent of human musk, she finds a ship soon, to her mild delight. She approaches the ship, it being smaller than most ships that wander this part of the ocean, but no matter. She is sure that she'd be able to snag at least one human tonight–there is bound to be one that is awake? 

Peeking her head above the water, she observes the deck of the ship for any humans yet to have slumbered. Humans in slumber were always hard to lure in, but possible. Her eyes gleam when she spots a lone figure on the surface of the deck. It seems like tonight's hunt would prove to be easy. Nearing closer, however, the smell that comes from this figure is distinct to the usual humans she encounters. Though still reeking of the musk that all humans contain, the human contains a refreshing fauna smell and lacks the liquor aroma that most males contain. Curious, she nears the ship more until she can observe the distinct features of the human that sits so carelessly on the edge of their ship.

Her cold heart thumps like never before when she finally spots you, and oh, how she pauses in utter awe. A human whose beauty far surpasses that of any ivory pearl or glittering gold. Has there ever been a human more majestic than you? She would dismiss any notion of a human achieving flawlessness, but yet here you are, shredding her previous foolish thoughts. How do you attain such, so effortlessly? Oh, how fortunate for her to have decided to roam the sea tonight, for the ocean to have given her the most perfect mate in waiting. She must have you, no human male could ever treasure you like she can. She would give you the sea, if it made you hers. 

And so she sings, her sweet song carrying into your ears like a gracious invite. She hopes for you to accept.  

— 

The stars are beautiful, you often think to yourself. It is another reason why you love being out in the sea. Directly underneath the stars, sometimes you feel that you're close enough to reach out and touch them. Little dancing specks of lights were all they were to you, and yet you were entranced each time. The stars and constellations have become one of your closest companions, always twinkling down on you regardless if you were facing soothing waves or warring riptides. Like so many nights before, you find yourself perched on one of the railings of the ship, simply gazing up, observing the midnight canvas that spans above you. 

Is there something more beautiful than stars? 

You find your answer that night when you hear a voice, melodic and sweet sounding, sugarier than any honey-coated treat. It piques you, as you know from the sound's direction it does not come from inside your ship, but beyond–somewhere in the waters. You'd imagine it's what people would describe as a voice from the heavens, because a light song fills the air, nearly entrancing you, however you're too busy searching the source of the sound for the intended effect to be inflicted on you. Instead of impelling your body to go overboard, you whip your head around, still seeking for the singer. 

You've heard of instances like these. You've heard of the warnings: if you hear a beautiful song coming from the waters, you cover your ears and ignore it as much as possible. Though, many say that once you hear them, it is much too late for you. The fates of those who had fell for those voices, you know of them too well, and you intend not to share the same fate. You've heard that among those that were able to escape a siren's call, they're easily dissuaded after one song. All you had to do was to ignore the voice until the song's end. 

The song ends soon after. You pay no mind as silence fills the void, just the sound of waves and the whistles of the wind as your company. But then, another song, the same one. After the second repeat, it starts again, and after that, another.

Were sirens this persistent? You've never heard of one this stubborn. But it is thanks to these songs that you're finally able to pinpoint the origins, and your eyes catch the slight glint of scales in the moonlight, and then the head of ivory hair. A pale face peaks from the water's currents, along with the tip of something–a tail, you discern. You gasp slightly once crimson-pupils land on yours, but then the head sinks down, like a shy animal having been caught. 

Adorable. Was this an unfitting description of what was most likely a siren? You disregarded that very thought, instead, opting to wondering why this siren wanted your attention so much. After all, you should give her the respect of your acknowledgement of her existence after four songs. 

Perhaps you were an idiot. Perhaps you were just heading straight to a gruesome death. But had those things stopped you previously, you would have never been out here, never would have been a pirate. Foolish curiosity may be the death of you, but not tonight. And so, like a pirate in search of their treasure, you take to the seas; in this case, literally into the sea. You let yourself lean backwards on the railing, arms outstretched by your side as you freefall into the sea. 

Surely, if the siren wanted you so badly, then she would save you, wouldn't she? 

The icy waters greet your form, and you shiver. Your breath is stolen away, and it is only you start sinking that you start to question your choice. You stare up, with only the moonlight reflecting off the water, your source of life and you instinctively reach out towards it. Your eyes burn from the brine, so you close your eyes, trying to combat the swallowing waves as you futilely flail your arms. 

Something moves in the water, and before you know it, a weight presses against your chest, something distinctly cold and what you imagine scales to feel like, and something else slides underneath your arms, the texture much like human skin. You feel your body begin to rise, until the sudden rush of oxygen barrages at you, and you greedily inhale the air with heaving breaths, while coughing out the sea water from your throat. Once you're done hacking up your lungs, you crack open an eye, greeted with the same gorgeous face you saw earlier. 

“You're beautiful…” The both of you say at the same time, and you feel your ears burn from the compliment. Her voice, deep and resounding, rings through your ears. Meanwhile, her expression visibly brightens, akin to the stars you adore so much. 

“Y-you won't eat me, right?” You ask hesitantly, and to your relief, she shakes her head no. She pulls you closer, before nuzzling her face into the crook of your neck. The arms wrapped around your figure tightens, and so does the tail around your legs. 

“No. Want to be my mate.” She says bluntly, and you feel sharp fangs prick your skin. You gasp, and she pulls her mouth away, deciding to lick your neck as a quick apology. 

“Why me?” 

“Pretty human. But stupid.” 

“Hey!” You exclaim out of feigned annoyance, but then she purrs into your neck, the noise vibrating through your body. Sirens purr? That is adorable. “What does being a mate mean?”

“You are with me, forever. I feed you, protect you, love you, always. Mine, forever.”

A tempting offer, truly, especially with the way her clawed hands grip your sides so tenderly and the way she looks at you like you are her sun.

“But what about my companions?”

“You do not need them.” 

“I do,” you assert, and her face falls. It's like being stabbed in the heart, seeing her expression like that. You raise both of your hands and cup her face. 

“I want you,” she says, with as much of a whine as a siren can possibly make. It is cute, a mix between a cry and a groan. 

“I need them too.” 

“I am not enough?” 

“I want to be free. I don't want to stay in one place.” 

“Then I will follow,” the siren asserts, her red pupils ablaze with determination. It is as simple as that, apparently. “Can I?” 

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay,” you affirm with a nod. “Don't eat them either. Then I'll be yours.” 

The siren nods, purring again. “My pretty human. Mine?”

You smile. “Yours.” 

That fact used to comfort you. When you think of your bed, you think of waking up and the first thing that greets your eyes is snow white hair. You think of the strongest pair of arms cradling your body, shielding you away from the world with a tenderness like no other. In your bed is where whispered confessions and professed desires linger, where the most sacred and intimate gestures occur. In your bed is when those gleaming, most brilliant crossed pupils shine the most, the ones you love staring into. Golden rays would stream through the window and present your lover in the most ethereal glow while she slept with you, and during the night chill is when her warmth is the most tangible, ever present. 

Beds are a funny thing.

Because today you wake up and it is the chilly air that first approaches you on a frosty morning. It is not the morning sun’s gaze that peers through the glass, rather, outside is just the dull gray of winter. You rise from bed and turn to the side, expecting the presence of her besides you. Yet all you find is nothing. It has been like this for many mornings and yet that gnawing, creeping feeling never fails to arise like clockwork. 

It is a weekend. You glance at the clock. By this time, you would be making lunch with her. Yet you feel boneless, paralyzed and unable to move. 

You shiver, goosebumps trailing up your skin. There is no one willing to warm you up, no one to coddle you in their arms, no one to arise to. The fading indent in the pillow tells you so. 

The absence of her leaves you wondering if you had been with a ghost for all this time. And yet her fragrance wafts your nose and your mind tries lying to you that she is here. You think you see her, but when your vision blurs and you blink away the tears she is gone in one instant. All she leaves behind is heartache. What replaces where she should be is a lone stuffed animal, a black and white hare. Stitched into plush's eyes are red crosses, done by you so that it can resemble her.

It sits lifelessly on the covers, so innocently and assertively as if it belongs there. You want to squeeze your hand around its neck, exhaust its life out and replace it with the one who should be there instead. It is a fake that could never hope to imitate her. 

Your implied staring contest with the stuffed hare continues even when you finally unclench your fists. It was a carnival prize. She won this for you. It was on one of your first ever dates with her. She had always joked about being jealous of it for always being in your bed and getting to cuddle you every night. 

You want to ask her if she is jealous now. Or maybe she was not. You do not know which answer would hurt more. 

You grab the plush and chuck it in some direction of the room with all your strength, telling yourself internally to remember throwing it away. (You know you never will).

A soft notification ping enters your ears. Your hand reaches for the night drawer, scouring the surface of it with your fingers before realizing you have not charged it overnight. A pained groan leaves your lips and you go to fumble through your covers to find it. When you finally do, you thumb for your notifications, pupils dilating when the message notification pops up. As your heart skips a beat, you click on it without hesitation, too fast to be able to catch the text sender. 

Disappointment slams into your chest and leaves you winded, unable to grasp the wispy hope that disappears just as quickly as it came. Just your stupid boss. A groan would have left your lips if there was anything more but the numbness that creeps along your chest. Instead you close your phone, burying your face and prickling tears into the privacy of your pillow. Wishing you could have known better, you chide yourself for ever foolishly believing she would look for you once more. 

Her perfume enters your nostrils again, and you curl around the pillow. The pillow is a poor substitute for her body. It lacks the neck that you love to snuggle in, the hair strands that tickle your nose, the arms that would wrap around your form, and the legs that would tangle with yours. Missing is the smooth skin, its scars and marks you love to trace, and its warmth, which usually shields you from the winter chill. Gone is the steady rhythm of the heart you loved listening to, or the gentle carding of your hair, or the chaste kisses that she would dot on your head. 

You think you can not feel even your own heart beating. Maybe when she left, she had taken that too. She leaves, and what is left of you? Nothing. You sleep and lay like a dead person. You want nothing more than to cherish what is left of her, the small fragments of a torn relationship still yet picked up around your home. You close your eyes, the scent of her comforting you, the memories of the two of you swirl around in your head. If you were to never wake up, you would pass just the slightest more content. 

At some point you must have drifted to sleep again, because when you find your phone again, it is already late in the afternoon. Distantly, you feel your stomach growl, but even hunger does very little to the emptiness that overwhelms you. With great effort, you will your boneless body to move, successfully rolling off your bed. Miraculously, you do not trip or fall on your way to the kitchen. 

You glance at the stove and decide you do not even have the strength to lift the pan. Cereal for lunch(? Dinner?) it is. Again. 

You reach for a bowl in your dishrack and find that there are no dishes in there–all of your dishes are in the sink. Right, you have not washed them in days.

…

Peruere was always one to wash them immediately after use. When the two of you first started dating, she would shoot you a glare everytime you did not do it. She argued that it saved much more time doing them then than doing a large pile later. She was always logical like that. You can still hear her voice, but this time, her voice is so much more distant than before. 

The pit in your stomach grows, and you turn away from the sink. 

You reach for your pile of foam bowls and sit down. You rise from your chair again upon the realization you do not have a spoon and resort to digging around in your random takeout crap drawer. Plastic utensils from Peruere’s favorite Chinese place litter there, along with napkins, wooden chopsticks. With them are different sauce packets. Who needs twenty packets of ketchup? Apparently the two of you. 

Just eat your stupid cereal, you reprimand yourself, and you do.  

How you came to this is a mystery. You were in a daze, and it is only when you drop your phone into your abandoned milk when you snap out of it. Expletives fly out of your mouth and you rush for the paper towels to recover your phone. As you are wiping the liquid away, you pause at the image of your phone. 

You were scrolling through your Gallery again. This photo is of you and her, in front of a beautiful Sumeru beach. A vacation. You were beaming brightly and she, of course, dons that damning half-smirk. That same smile she had when she was thinking of something devious, and given her gaze–not at the camera, but at you–you were sure she was. She is breathtaking, beautiful and handsome in all rights, as she had always been, but in the sunlight and in front of golden sand, she is divine. 

She loved that beach. 

You did too.

Maybe you could love it again if sand could fill the hole in your heart.

The bowl and spoon is swiftly thrown into the garbage and you slog back to your bedroom, collapsing into the bed again. Whatever adult responsibilities you have, surely they can wait for another day. 

Something comes over you the moment your body is embraced into the covers. Maybe it is in your one true space of safety you are possessed, emboldened as you open the Messages app. She is still the first contact, even though the last message was sent weeks ago.

Just 8 letters. 

I love you. 

I miss you.

You were five days into your journey, simply traversing the thick forest and taking in all the sights. Your peaceful journey takes a turn when you notice in the distance trees that were partially or almost completely destroyed, their trunks broken entirely and falling onto the ground. The trees that are still standing are blackened and lacking their leaves–all of the vegetation around them are gone. 

Perhaps it was curiosity that drew you in or something else, but in any case, against your better reasoning, you decided to venture in. It didn't take long until you first encountered her. 

She was large, easily four times the height and many times the length of the largest creature you've seen beforehand (a bear, you later find out was the name of the animal). You had never seen anything like her before. Her sleeping form was so still, you would have mistaken her for a large boulder if not for the rumbling that came from her. If she was this massive while lying down, how much taller would she be if she was standing up. 

At that moment, every thought in your head told you to run away. Something that large would have no problem seriously harming or even killing you, even without malicious intentions. She could accidentally step on you, or one flick of her tail, and it would send you flying. Best not to wake up the beast. Unfortunately, or fortunately, you were too curious to scurry off, and circle around the sleeping dragon to examine its features. With one miscalculated step, your foot stepped onto a branch, emitting a loud snap that made you freeze in place. 

Instantaneously, the beast rose, a loud rumbling shaking the ground. Tumbling back onto the ground, all you could do was watch the towering creature approach you, their every step reverberating through the earth. Mouth agape and your expression aghast, there was some kind of pressure on your entire body that willed you still. The thumping organ in your chest resounded throughout your eardrums, deafening everything around you. 

Scarlet crossed pupils ensnared your gaze, and you were engulfed in those dark abysses. The massive being crept nearer and nearer until it stood just over you. With a deep huff, she maneuvered her head, sniffing at your backpack. A quick realization came to you as you recalled the food in your bag and hastily slid off your backpack straps to access the contents. The first thing food your hand grasped was a bagged loaf of bread, which you wrenched out and offered to her with an outstretched hand. Your hand couldn't stop trembling and you've closed your eyes, deciding against all your rationale to trust this strange creature. 

The bread was plucked gingerly by the creature's teeth and an audible gulp was heard. A coarse, solid texture pressed against your palm and when you opened your eyes, before you was a sight you couldn't imagine. The reptilian's snout was pressed against your hand, a soft resonance erupting from its throat–almost like a cat. In awe, you moved your hand across the snout and its scales, tracing along the indents with careful observation of the beast.

And at that moment, you think you've never seen a more beautiful creature.

Since then, Arlecchino (you had named her, and she begrudgingly accepted) had stuck with you, even when you ran out of packed food from your backpack. She was injured at the time, but at the first feeding you hadn't realized–only having seen the hole that pierced through one of her wings. You could only imagine that another dragon had caused that wound, like it had sunk its teeth in that area. The terrain you found Arlecchino in seemed to have been the battleground for that fight. 

Arlecchino could barely catch any food with her impaired wings, and it's likely she would have starved to die if she hadn't met you. Even then, it took her months for her wing to fully heal so that she could fly. It also didn't help that you were a novice adventurer–you barely knew how to hunt, fish, or gather any food in the wild. You had tried your best to provide her all that you could, and it was enough for her to live off on, despite sleeping for most of the day to preserve what little energy she got. Thankfully, the months had passed relatively quickly, Arlecchino providing you with no end of entertainment. 

“How do you always get tangled in the fishing nets? If you break another one, you can go catch fish on your own!” You yelled at the dragon as Arlecchino snarked back with an eyeroll, sweeping you off your feet with her tail. You fell into the creeks with a cry and cold water seeped into your clothes. You trudge your way back towards her, before kicking the water towards her. She blocks effortlessly with her wing, before fluttering her wing to flick back the water on you. 

“Archons, you're a terrible dragon!” You screamed with no real emotions behind it. With a quick tail swipe, your face was met with another blast of frigid water. 

You huffed, knowing that it was impossible to get back your revenge. You helped Arlecchino untangle her feet from the net, having Arlecchino hold one end of the net with her mouth. Traversing across the other side of the creek with the net, you waited for a steady school of fish to come your way. Not too long later, the two of you are able to heave out onto the bank a dozen or so fish. Arlecchino then goes to collect some firewood while you take out your knife to prepare your fish for consumption. 

As you're gutting the fish, all too smugly does Arlecchino dump the assortment of twigs and branches at your feet, accompanied with a good amount of saliva. You proceed to go into the creek for some peace to wash your feet while the dragon lights a fire on the branches. When you return, you shoot the reptilian a glare before piking your fish on a stick and setting it above the fire. 

The dragon lays beside the fire and you sit against her. You brushed your hand against her neck. “You're getting cranky, aren't you?” 

Arlecchino snorted. You assume that was a yes. “We can go pack up tomorrow and be out of here. If you save some fish, we could probably trade it to get you some beef, yeah?” 

The dragon doesn't react much, but from the swaying of her tail, the idea seems appealing to her. You chuckle. 

Vibrant red flickers across your face as dusk approaches. Your fish finishes cooking, the skin crispy and the flesh delicate. Your dinner becomes just that, paired with some bread and a few berries that you picked. Unsurprisingly, Arlecchino finishes four fish before you've reached fullness. 

“Stop looking at me like that,” you warn as the expecting, deadpan look comes across the dragon's feature. “You can't finish my berries. And I'll give you the rest of my fish soon enough.” 

Arlecchino snarls and thumps her feet against the earth. The ground shakes and you couldn't be bothered. Typical tantrum.

You rip out a chunk of the cooked fish and offer it to her, outstretching your hand towards her mouth. As she unlatches her jaw, you cruelly pull away, popping the piece into your mouth with a wicked smile. Before you can start cackling, she lunges and wrenches your fish from your hand, stick and all. You gape at her as she chews and swallows, spitting out the stick that you used to hold the meat. 

“You–!”

Safe to say that humans can't wrestle dragons. You're knocked on your ass before you even knew you were. To rub it in, Arlecchino lets out a satisfied huff of smoke from her nostrils as you lay defeated underneath her tail. 

Stupid, stupid dragon.