#edenu

From: [email protected] Subject: email? really?

Dear Gojo Satoru,  Clearly you can’t take a hint. Let me spell it out for you. I. Am. Busy. Leave. Me. Alone. Unhappily,  Your girlfriend P.S. Do not call yourself ‘big-dicked daddy.’ It upsets me greatly.

From: [email protected] Subject: keep being mean to me please im close

Dear adorable goth baby,  You’re so hot when you’re being mean. I already know you’re frowning in that cute way that makes me want to smother you in kisses and you’re rolling your eyes so hard NGH! I already said I’m sorry.  Please give me another chance. I’m so damn bored I started playing spin the bottle alone in my room. I made out with that picture of you sleeping with drool down your chin. Picture You was even getting handsy. ‘Down girl!’ I said. ‘Bad!’ Stay tight,  Toru (not Gojo Satoru, that’s like a slur coming from you, very triggering stuff) P.S. I am your big-dicked daddy tho I’m confused?

From: [email protected] Subject: shut up

Satoru,  I gave you multiple chances when I asked you to stop and give me at least 5 hours to study before we go out for dinner and I entertain you, you giant freaking child. But no, you just had to hound me with your dick, like I was supposed to be dickmatised and persuaded to drop everything at your beck and call.  Fuck, I’m getting mad all over again.  Stop emailing me. You’re gonna see me at 7pm for our date anyways. You can last 4 more hours. Yours not for long,  Girl who just wants to pass

From: [email protected] Subject: my bad bro

Sweetiepie :( I’m sorry.  I thought it was gonna motivate you to work hard. Pwease forgive me. Pwease? Towu is vewy vewy sowwy.  In fact, I’m so so so sorry, I’ll pay for dinner tonight. Scout’s honour. Asking for mercy and forgiveness,  Your boyfriend no matter what

From: [email protected] Subject: dinner? that the best you can offer?

You always pay for dinner. Last time I offered, you damn near wrestled me in the middle of the restaurant so you could get your card out first. We’re still banned from there, remember? Btw, you were never a Scout, don’t play with me.

From: [email protected] Subject: you gotta address me and sign off!

Dear love of my life who doesn’t understand how email etiquette works,  Of course I always pay for dinner — you’re broke and your family is destitute, I remind you lovingly. But even if you were as rich as me, or even richer (which isn’t possible, not to flex), I would still pay every single time. It’s the least I can do for reparations for the violence committed by my gender against yours. Plus, that restaurant sucked anyway — the owner is problematic towards immigrants and the servers don’t even know if the meat is locally and ethically sourced, like hello??? In the big 2025?!? How’s studying going? Do you need a snack or a smoothie to boost you?  I can drop by. Promise I won’t linger. I just didn’t see a purchase on my card for breakfast or lunch. Please don’t starve. If I can’t watch your ass jiggle when I hit it from the back, I’m gonna be devastated.  Yours most sincerely,  Satoru P.S. You have to be a Scout to say Scout’s Honour? Crazyyyyyy

From: [email protected] Subject: so fucking bossy omg

Dear Satoru (happy now?), Please don’t remind me of my family’s shortcomings. You know I like to pretend I came from a normal background. And stop being more woke than me. It’s hot. Studying’s fine, I guess. I think I forgot how to study. I’ve missed a lot of content too. If a certain someone hadn’t been clinging to me so tightly every morning, maybe I wouldn’t be so behind. God, you make my life so hard.  A smoothie and pastry would be lovely, actually. I can’t be bothered leaving my room to get some food. Just drop it off outside and disappear by the time I open the door — if I see even a glimmer of white hair, I’m going to freak.  Thanks. Love begrudgingly, A girl who’s gonna fail her exam

From: [email protected] Subject: you're not gonna fail

Dear cutie,  I don’t cling to you that hard. You’re dramatic. I wonder where you got that from. And last I checked, we have a safeword you can use anytime to get me away from between your legs if you really wanted to get to class. But I like our game where you pretend you’re not just as obsessed with me as I am with you (I know you get all hot and bothered when I reference Marx, dirty girl) Food’s outside babe. The line was stupid long and I ran into Fushiguro — remember the guy I told you has the highest body count on campus? He’s in a relationship now and he’s so pussywhipped lmaoooo Couldn’t be me. Hoping you’ll stuff your face and get all the brain power you need,  Satoru

From: [email protected] Subject: not impressed

I told you to disappear before I could see you.  You didn’t have to kiss me and hump my leg you animal. My neighbours were NOT happy with the pornographic noises you made, asshole.  Yeah, I remember Toji. Cool dude. Always wearing gym wear no matter the weather and for some reason hates you. Don’t make fun of him for being loyal and loving to his girlfriend. You’re probably so much worse. I envy his girlfriend. She probably doesn’t have to put up with a yapper who spams her with dick pics. Thank you for the food though. Very appreciated. What I didn’t appreciate, however, was the number and the smiley face on my drink. I already told you, if someone tries to hit on you, bark at them and tell them you have a girlfriend you worship endlessly. 

From: [email protected] Subject: EMAIL. ETIQUETTE. COME ON.

Look: Dear angry girlfriend I do in fact worship endlessly and beyond,  I’m sorry I didn’t follow your exact orders but I desperately needed a kiss from my girl. If I don’t get my daily dose, I wilt, like a rose. You know this.  And disrespectfully, f your neighbours. It wasn’t anything they hadn't heard from us before. Sensitive ears ahhh About Fushiguro — he does not hate me. Why does everyone say that?  We’re actually besties. We’re like dumb and dumber, but dumber is him obvi. Plus, once he gets some shots in him, he’s super in love with me. I get more over the clothes action from him than from you lol You never need to thank me for feeding you. I fear that’s like bare minimum. Get those standards up girl. Oh and sorry about the drink. I didn’t even notice. Leave it outside your door and I’ll get you a new one. I’ll even make a scene and call the manager over. Maybe I’ll buy the store and get everyone fired. Just give me the word babe. Yours forever,  Satoru 

From: [email protected] Subject: YOU ARE EXHAUSTING

Dear my sweetest, most frustrating boyfriend, Fine, I’ll forgive the kiss (I might have needed it too). And yeah, f my neighbours because the guy on my left loves playing Doctor Who Season 8 on repeat and on full volume every night like clockwork. It’s not even the best season! Forget about the drink. Just don’t ever go back there again. Number and smiley face aside, the drink is abysmal and tastes like bog water. Pastry is great though. 10/10 You’d really make a scene for me? Yours occasionally,  No longer starving girlfriend

From: [email protected] Subject: awww I knew you loved me really

Dear the Morticia to my Gomez,  I’d make a scene for you at the drop of a hat. I’d serenade you in malls, on campus, in a Michelin star restaurant, and in a lecture. Heck, I’d yell ‘BOMB’ in an airport if you asked me to – just maybe not an airport we frequent. There’s quite literally nothing I wouldn’t do for you. If you didn’t know that already, then I’m not as great of a boyfriend as I thought I was. I will remedy that immediately, my goddess eternal. Obsessedly yours,  Your husband in every way but legally (we can fix that)

From: [email protected] Subject: ugh

Dear Toru,  Stop being sweet. It’s disgusting. Come inside already. I’m done pretending I’m getting anything from the textbooks. I’m only giving myself a headache.

From: [email protected] Subject: woahhhh

You can tell I’m outside???

From: [email protected] Subject: you're loud as hell

I can hear you giggling at my emails, Satoru. You’re probably sitting on the floor, leaning against my door. 

From: [email protected] Subject: just got shivers

Damnnnn are you sure you’re not a witch?

From: [email protected] Subject: well?

Are you coming in or what?

From: [email protected] Subject: yippeeeee

Okay okay, yes I am. LOVE YOU BABY <3

Satoru: Me? To her? No way. That doesn’t sound like me at all. I’ve always been very open and kind to her. Dude, I was super welcoming and everything. I even let her stay at my party when she was harshing the vibe with her clean up duty council thing. 

What about all the pop culture reference jabs? You were insulting her left and right.

Satoru: Those weren’t insults.

Gojo…

Satoru: Okay, fine, yeah maybe I could have been nicer. But I don’t know…I kinda associated her with my parents. Felt like all my life people have been trying to control me, and here comes a complete stranger, a sexy, beautiful stranger, sure, but one that’s smiling at my parents and forcing me to come to family events. I didn’t know what to make of her. We’re good now though. 

Why do you still call her a witch then?

Satoru: It’s kinda our foreplay. She rolls her eyes but I can always see a twitch of a smile. 

Do you actually think she’s a witch?

Satoru: Nahh, I know witches don’t exist. It’s just funny. I don’t even really know why I do it. I think she makes me nervous. 

Even though you’ve been together a while now?

Satoru: I don’t think she’ll ever not make me nervous.

You're clearly smitten. Have you ever felt this way before?

Satoru: No. I didn't even know this kinda feeling existed. Sure, it's all I see in the movies but it's different in real life, y'know? Just one look at her makes me all smiley and warm, and a look from her? It's a miracle I don't pass out every time.

You're throwing less and less parties. Is that because of her?

Satoru: Yeah, actually. I used to throw them all the time 'cause I'd get bored easily and needed something to pass the time, but with her I never get bored. We could sit and do nothing for hours and I'd be happy. It makes me wish I met her sooner.

Oh?

Satoru: Yeah, I don't know. I feel like for a while I was just drifting, doing nothing and going nowhere. But she grounds me. She's like some black hole. She gives me purpose. Like for once in my life, I finally know what I want.

Does she know that?

Satoru: Nah, but I mean, she'll know now that you're writing this, but she gets shy when I say sappy things so I try to save it for when I'm making her cum.

Okay! Let's end it there. I wish you the very best of luck. More for her than for you actually. She needs it.

Satoru: Uh, rude. But thanks! Also, can you write her letting me get a dick piercing? I wanna clink with her. Oh and happy anniversary! 

Piercer!Geto

Suguru: Congratulations on reaching a whole year. You should be proud of yourself.

Aw, thanks! That’s very kind of you. Okay, let's get into it. Is it true you didn’t want to initially hire your reader?

Suguru: You're a woman of your word, I see. Yes, it’s true. She wasn’t qualified, and under any other circumstances, I wouldn’t have hired someone inexperienced in a dangerous place, but I owed her sister a favour. 

Do you regret your decision?

Suguru: Yes. 

Why?

Suguru: She costs me a lot of money, she’s a walking hazard, and a huge distraction. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret ever meeting her, only that it was under those circumstances. That being said, however, she’s slowly learning and regulars love her.

Do you wish you met her as a student?

Suguru: God, no. I was a mess, full of resentment and confusion. That version of me would have never even looked her way. Bright eyed students repelled me. I think we met at a good time. She deserved a year of being free, so to speak, to explore adulthood and learn more about herself.

And how do you feel about the power imbalance? Does that ever weigh on your mind?

Suguru: Yes. I knew how it looked — I’m older and her boss. I had power the entire time. But I tried to stay away, to be a friend…it was more difficult than I thought. Hence why I regret the circumstances. I brought it up to her before, whether she’d like to work elsewhere so workplace tension doesn’t impact our relationship, but she was insistent that there’s nowhere else she’d like to work.

What about all those times a classmate of hers would come by? Or you’d see her with another guy? You never hesitated to exercise your power then.

Suguru: You wrote me that way, need I remind you?

Fair. 

Suguru: I will admit I am the protective type though. I know how guys our age think, I know they’re immature and clumsy, and I’ve always believed she deserved better. 

And you think you’re that ‘better’ she deserves?

Suguru: I try to be.

Okay, so let’s talk about the BDSM vibes. Would you consider yourself a dom?

Suguru: I don’t like labels but that does fit, yes.

Do you follow the BDSM community?

Suguru: I read.

Do you think you’re prepared to lead her?

Suguru: I take it step by step, figuring out both of our limits. I may have more experience than her but I’m no expert, by any means. I never go too far and I communicate exactly what a play would entail, and if she ever had something she wanted to try, we do research together and proceed from there. 

Got it. She does seem very eager to learn. And she knew, going into it, that you were different, more intense.

Suguru: She’s intelligent. She does just as much if not more research than I do and she says what’s on her mind. I can trust that she’ll share if something isn’t for her and she trusts that I know her well enough to know her tells.

Alright, seems like you two have it under control. Good luck on that and in general.

Suguru: That’s appreciated, but if you can help it, do go easy on us. I know you're not exactly the fondest of me.

Oh...you've heard, huh?

Suguru: Hard not to, but no offence taken.

Aw.

Art Student!Choso

So you have a secret identity. Talk to me about that. What are you? What motivates you?

Choso: I’m a vandal, I guess. I don’t mean to be political but I find that I get most inspired by things I feel are unjust or wrong. And I know I shouldn’t be committing criminal damages or whatever but sometimes I just move on autopilot and don’t realise what I’m doing until it’s too late.

You’re not scared you’ll get caught?

Choso: Not really. My family’s kinda rich and powerful so they’ll cover for me. Maybe I have some kind of self-hatred from that fact. Maybe that’s why I act out — I think I can erase the privilege and exploitation the family name is built on with my art. It’s kinda stupid, I guess.

I don’t think it’s stupid. I don’t think reader does either. Speaking of, were you surprised that reader always knew?

Choso: Yeah. I thought I was being very careful. But looking back and knowing her, I shouldn’t have been surprised. She’s very observant. It’s scary. 

And you’ve always had a crush on her?

Choso: I wouldn’t call it a crush. I always thought she was pretty, I think. Something about her inspired me. I couldn’t get her face out of my mind. But I don’t think I saw her as a woman, only as a muse, if that makes sense. 

You must have been ecstatic to be paired with her for the project though.

Choso: Not really. I was kinda nervous. I liked admiring her from afar. I liked not knowing her. I liked that she didn’t know me.

Ah, but she did know you. She felt the same way about you from first year, didn’t she?

Choso: Yeah. She likes to say we’re soulmates because of how similar we are.

Do you agree?

Choso: I don’t really know what being soulmates mean, but I like the sound of it. 

And your family? What do they think of her?

Choso: Yuji likes her. He says she’s more fun than I am. My other brothers like her too. They ask her all the time why she’s with me when she could do better. And Sukuna…

He doesn’t like her?

Choso: I don’t think he likes anyone. 

True dat. But it never seemed to me that his opinion mattered much to you. Not with the matters of the heart.

Choso: Well, I mean, I’d like for everyone to like her, but it’s not that he hates her. It’s fine, I guess. Her brother likes me. And she likes me, so that’s all that matters really.

That’s right, Choso. Sounds like you’ve wised up. Good for you. Okay, that’s us done. Wishing you well on your relationship and life. Good luck with your secret.

Choso: Thanks.

Ahem, are you gonna wish me a happy anniversary?

Choso: Oh right. Sorry. I forgot.

Uh…

Choso: Oh yes. Happy anniversary. Well done.

Thank you!

Basketball Captain!Toji

So…you’re actually a Zenin.

Toji: Fuck no. My last name used to be Zenin, sure. But for all intents and purposes, I'm not associated with that family. Damn, couldn't you have started off easy?

No. And what ever did happen when you were younger?

Toji: You’re the writer, why are you asking questions you already know?

Just play along.

Toji: They’re abusive assholes. There’s not much more to that. 

Fine, let’s move on. Talk to me about your girlfriend. First impressions, go.

Toji: I thought she was hot. Never really seen her around before; guess I never thought about who exactly was deciding the List and writing the Bulletin. And then suddenly I was seeing her everywhere. Always looked kinda sad, like lonely or something. She reminded me of someone…I couldn’t figure it out for a while until I realised, she reminded me of my brother.

Is that what made you decide to help her?

Toji: Dunno. I just did. Wasn’t really planning some big political message.

It wasn’t just because you wanted to cause trouble at Gojo’s frat party?

Toji: Ah, that was definitely an incentive, yeah. 

You two were somewhat fake dating at that party and remained friends the rest of the time. What made you fall for her?

Toji: Who knows? It wasn’t some kind of sudden realisation or overnight epiphany. Just liked her company. It’s not like I’m against commitment or I’m anti-relationship. She’s cool and hot and sweet, and I knew I wanted to wake up to her everyday. It was nice having someone to look out for in the crowd, someone who doesn’t really know how shit works but is excited for me anyway. Just something about her that made me feel…good. Lighter. More optimistic, I don’t know.

And how did you feel when you introduced her to Megumi? Were you worried she’d rat you out? Tell everyone your secret?

Toji: Nah. I knew she wasn’t like that. For someone who’s constantly airing out people’s dirty laundry without shame, she’s funnily her respectful when you say something’s off the record. Was worried she’d decide shit was too much for her though. Not like I’d blame her; this is a lot to walk into at her age. Would have respected her if she communicated that. ‘Course I respected her a lot more when she didn’t judge us at all. Plus, Megs likes her and the little bastard isn’t easily impressed so shit worked out for me.

Let’s talk about the List. What made you decide to take yourself out?

Toji: Ah, I eventually realised I didn’t actually care. One upping Gojo and winning was one of my priorities, but then I stopped thinking about it. What people thought about me and what I thought about myself became less important than what she thought about me. 

But then you get to have your cake and eat it too now that no one takes your self-elimination seriously.

Toji: Ha, yeah. Guess, with or without my consent, people still find me hot. Who can fault ‘em?

And reader isn’t jealous of all the attention you get? Or the fact that you’ve been run through?

Toji: I’m not ran through. I was sexually liberal, sue me. And no, she doesn’t care. She doesn’t get insecure about my past. She gets it. Plus, when I get my hands on her, there’s never any room to be doubting my loyalties. 

Alright, sounds like she’s also having her cake and eating it too. Best of luck with your relationship.

Toji: That’s suspicious as hell. What do you have planned? 

Nothing.

Toji: Like anyone believes you. Congrats, by the way. On your anniversary. Go get dicked down or something. Before, I would have offered but eh, I got a girl now. You understand.

Yeah, don't worry about it.

Physics Tutor!Nanami

Kento: Congratulations on your anniversary. That's a huge milestone, you should be very proud of yourself.

Thanks, Nanami!

Kento: Here's to many more.

Indeed. Alright, first question: you’ve liked reader since the very first day of your first year. 

Kento: That’s not a question, but yes, you could say that. 

So then why didn’t you jump at the chance to tap that when she started flirting? 

Kento: I don’t like the crude way you put it. But, to answer your question, there were lots of reasons — it didn’t occur to me until much later that maybe she genuinely meant her compliments, I was always under the impression that that just who she was, I felt inadequate considering she’s experienced and I had none to speak of, and, of course, I didn’t want any relations to affect our tutor-student relationship; her academic success was more important than my desires. 

And how is she coming along academically?

Kento: Very well. She always had it in her — she has a natural curiosity and appreciation of science — she simply needed a guided approach that’s bespoke and understanding of her limitations.

Do you ever think she can be exhausting? She’s so full of energy, constantly partying, friends with everyone, and has deep-seated insecurities? It’s got to be a lot to handle at your age, balancing it with your responsibilities and ambitions.

Kento: No. I was never under any delusions that I could change her to match my lifestyle. If anything, I was more than prepared to change mine to match hers, though she’s been clear she wouldn’t want me to change. Either way, we’ve both made compromises, met each other in the middle, and neither of us have any regrets.

Were there no other women who caught your attention in the last three years?

Kento: I always had my head down. I had no time for relationships. So no. There was no one else. Not even for a second.

How was losing your virginity to her? We never saw it for ourselves so we can only imagine.

Kento: I’m sure. Well, that’s between me and her.

No, I’m the writer so you have to do what I say. 

Kento: How benevolent. Well, it was clumsy at first, but she took the lead and reassured me that there was no need to perform, that I should just enjoy the moment and think only of her and feeling good. 

Did you make her cum?

Kento: Yes. I made sure to focus on her pleasure first before mine. I knew that much at least.

How have you been managing to keep up with her appetite? I know for a fact, since she’s my creation, that she’s got a very high libido and her attraction to you cannot be understated.

Kento: We have a routine. As much as I can, I try to stick to it so we can both start our day satisfied and end it the same way…I also do my very best not to trigger her during any busy parts of our day or week. Yes, that does mean no short sleeves, no walking around in a towel after a shower, and certainly no going to the gym before or after I see her otherwise we’ll never get anything done.

I see I see. That's very wise. Okiedokie. That's all my questions for today. Wishing you two well and good luck with everything!

Kento: Thank you. I'll be sure to pass it on to her.

Vice President!Sukuna

Hey, Sukuna. How are you?

Sukuna: Get on with it.

Wow. Okay. So…uh…reader rigged the election. Are you sure you’re not pissed?

Sukuna: ‘Course I was. That presidency was mine, just a small step towards the real thing, but, ah well, I eventually realised that it could be fun. Less responsibilities and all that.

Then, when you saw her — note that I said saw and not met since you first met in first year but you were too drugged up to remember that — campaigning, what did you think?

Sukuna: She was hot, in a stuck up, prissy way. Not my type though; too frigid. I did wonder why I’d never seen her before. Something about the whole thing felt off. She never even looked the least bit nervous during campaigning.

Yeah, and then you were finally on the council together. Lots happened. Mahito, Gojo’s party, her quitting. When did you realise you liked liked her?

Sukuna: What am I, five years old? 

Just answer.

Sukuna: Who knows? And who cares? She was mine before either of us even realised it. What else matters?

Okay. Then, did you ever feel guilty about all those times you undermined her? Changing the meeting rooms, purposefully being behind on deadlines, insulting her etc etc?

Sukuna: No. 

Were you not worried she’d snap?

Sukuna: That’s what I wanted. Keep up.

What if she wasn’t like you? What if she was horrified and broke down?

Sukuna: She’s not weak. Even before I knew the extent of it, I knew she was the vindictive, ballsy type. She’d have to be to rig the election when her opponent is a Ryomen. Besides, she liked that shit. She liked snatching back the reins and knowing I gave enough of a shit about her to lift a finger. 

And, well, obviously, you were playing right by her hand.

Sukuna: Obviously.

How did you feel when you found out? 

Sukuna: Turned on. 

Did you not feel any shame about what you did to her? Do you not regret it?

Sukuna: Sure. I shouldn’t have slept with that freak of a friend she had. Shouldn’t have taken drugs either — I’m neither homeless nor a finance bro. I regret not remembering a thing too. Would have loved to have seen her face when her world crumbled beneath her. Fuck, that sounds hot as hell.

How is your relationship dynamic now? Are you guys affectionate and romantic?

Sukuna: We’re fine. She scowls at me if I kiss her in public but apparently I just have to put up with it when she gropes me to stake her claim in front of the assholes who talk shit behind her back. And, of course, our dinner dates involve listening in to the confessions files Fushiguro’s girl keeps. Finding out the dirty things members of the faculty get up to seems to get her pussy wetter than threats of murder or whatever, so that’s that.

Do you wish you had a normal relationship with her? That you guys can just spend time together without secrets, that it isn’t so transactional, so reliant on you being the heir to your family’s political dynasty?

Sukuna: No. Normal is for the ordinary. If I wanted a normal partner, I’d accept my family’s candidates for an arranged marriage. Relationships are transactional by nature anyway. That shit’s inevitable. Plus, this way, we can maintain trust in each other. If she was with me even though I was broke and some nobody, I’d make sure she didn’t file for insurance on my life. 

Do you think it’s possible she’d ever leave you? That the trauma of her past, her resentment, her ambitions, would exceed whatever feeling she has for you?

Sukuna: You’re asking like you couldn’t just make that happen if you wanted to. Of course, it’s possible she’d leave me if I ended up as some loser with no prospects. What self-respecting woman wouldn’t?

And you? Would you leave her if she was some loser with no prospect?

Sukuna: Go and write me getting some head in the janitor’s closet or something. I’m done.

I’m feeling like reader wants to be eaten out though. 

Sukuna: Then write that. 

Okay, bossy. Best of luck you two crazies.

Sukuna: If your vibe dies again, don’t take it out on either of us. We got enough problems as it is. Send your negative energy over to the stalkerish girlfriend of Fushiguro.

You’re not gonna wish me a happy anniversary?

Sukuna: No.