I was just sitting here and in all honesty having a bit of a bad body image moment..When I remembered that no matter how much I want that “thinner” feeling. I would never, NEVER want to live that life again. Yes I was a size 2 and thin, but underneath that I was miserable. I was sad, depressed, hungry and just not me…. The real me loves food, craves freedom and wants to be able to eat ice cream even if I’m not hungry…just because I feel like it.
I know it’s hard when you feel your pants getting tighter and you don’t fit into that dress anymore, but I know in my heart to return to my old life of restriction and depravaton would be a fate worse than death….. It would not only kill my body, but my soul as well. To that end though we must all make the decision that living without ed is worth the possible and in my and most of our cases definite weight gain. We must decide that our soul, body and mind is worth giving up a jean size or a “feeling” that is never enough anyway.
I know in my heart I was never meant to be “skinny” I am just not built that way. Of course realizing this does not make the gaining easy, although not having to count calories in butter spray, or being able to go out with friends and enjoying the company and the food with no fear helps. Some days are easier of course and some unbearable but through it all I try to remember that I am not just gaining weight … I am regaining myself.
I now sit at a size 8-10 depending but I eat ice cream while out with family now, and can think clearly again. I am starting to finally follow my dreams instead of pouring of my fitness pal and nutrition books. I wanted to write this because I feel that not many people like me are represented in the ED recovery community. I see so many people who are Ed recovered and still very underweight or on the low end of the accepted BMI and there is no judgement in tis. This may be your set weight…but there are many of us who’s set weight isn’t in the low BMI range in fact some of our set weights are closer to what society deems overweight. In the end what matters is that we recover ourselves and accept whatever that may look like and stop comparing our after with others.
My rant is done congrats if you made it all the way through this and Thank you for reading it. I would love to hear your story and find some others out there like myself. I wish you all luck and success in your recovery and of course Let’s kick ED’s ass for good. Love to you all my fellow warriors.
