#edaw2016

The girl on the left, me - 1 ½ years ago. She had an eating disorder. No muscle tone, no energy, no confidence. I didn’t admit it to anyone, because I hadn’t even admitted it to myself. I honestly thought I was fine…I ate when I was hungry…where was the harm in that?! The problem was, I was never hungry. I lived off cigarettes, coffee/energy drinks, and alcohol. People asked me numerous times if I had an eating disorder, and I said no. I wasn’t trying to lie, I really didn’t think I had one. I thought what I was doing was okay. This girl loved being thin. She didn’t care about muscle, health, well being…none of it. She cared about one thing, the number on the scale.

The girl one the right. She is one year recovered from an eating disorder. This is me now. I eat 3+ meals/snacks a day, and I make sure everything I put in my body is something that fuels me. I no longer smoke, drink energy drinks or drink a ton of alcohol. (I do live in Bend, so of course I drink beer on the weekends, lol.) This girl goes to the gym 4+ times a week, hikes, lifts. She loves having muscle, and pushing herself past her breaking point. This girl gets pissed if someone calls her too thin or gangly, as I used to be called and enjoyed it. This girl hasn’t stepped on the scale in 6 months, aside from going to the doctor’s a month ago. And guess what…she gained 15 lbs. (I won’t lie, there is still a piece of me that cringes when I hear it…but the new me knows that it is healthy weight, I am gaining muscle.) This girl cares about numerous things, muscle growth, crushing goals, increasing stamina, and a positive outlook on life and her body. This is me now. And I’ve never been happier.

I’m not going to lie, it hasn’t been easy. And you never fully recover from an eating disorder, it stays with you for life. I still have to remind myself to eat and get in my full calories every day. I have to remind myself, that reaching goals the healthy way isn’t as easy as starving yourself, but much more worth it. I still have severe body dismorphia from it, and most days I can handle it. Other days are not so easy. Those are the days I am so thankful for my loving fiancé, Josh. He reminds me what I am doing for myself, for my daughter, for my LIFE. I was headed down a very bad path, and didn’t even know it. He saved me, my baby girl saved me. I don’t want her growing up having self image issues because of me, or EVER thinking it is okay to starve yourself to be thin. Screw that, being thin doesn’t make you beautiful, being healthy and confident does.

I’ve compared myself to that skinny girl on the left since the moment I made the choice to get healthy, but I always found myself kind of wishing I was that small again. I found that picture while looking through my phone today, and it was the first time I looked at the old me, then looked at myself now, and loved the results.

This is uncommon in the fact that I am celebrating weight gain, not weight loss. I have arms. I have legs. I still have a little bit of a tummy…but I had a kid and I’m human. I have a BUTT! I’ve never had a butt. That’s something to celebrate in itself. :)

I thought for a long time during recovering, that I could do so without anyone having to know that I ever had an eating disorder. I told my loving partner once I finally broke down and realized what I was doing. Since then I have told my few closest friends, but I was ashamed. I’ve slowly been coming to the realization though, that it’s OKAY to talk about it. I will never move on if I hide who I was and what I went through. And the accomplishments I have made so far wouldn’t mean as much.

I am not posting this for compliments, sympathy, or judgment. I’m posting this, because no one should EVER feel that they need to starve their bodies to be good enough for someone else, to be good enough for themselves. I’m posting this, because maybe…if there is anybody else out there who is or has struggled with this, I can give you a little bit of hope, that life goes on after an eating disorder, and it is a beautiful life. One where you can enjoy food, work your butt off because you actually have energy, and you feel better because you put in the work for it. I am posting this for myself as well, as a reminder of who I want to be, where I want to go from here, and who I never want to be again. I NEVER want to be that girl on the left again.

You can have the body you want with hard work. Think about it; If you have the willpower and strength it takes to starve your body of everything it needs, you have the willpower and strength to work hard, get fit and be healthy.