#edaw2015

In the last three years I’ve gained upwards of sixty pounds, stretch marks, fat in new areas, and gone up to double my high school dress size. For a while, I was letting my new curvy body stop me from my passions, both the physical and intellectual. Then I realized: my body is not all of me, and began to unashamedly embrace myself. Despite my weight gain, which has unfortunately become synonymous with failure or ‘letting oneself go’ in our current culture, I have gained a lot more than an increase of my numerical gravitational pull. The changes in my physical body have resulted in changes in my brain as I have learned to embrace the skin I’m in.

I currently have the biggest breasts I’ve ever had; no complaints in this department. I have the widest smile, which helps me take the best goofy photographs. I have the most silky, shiny, long, light brown, beautiful, natural hair. I have learned to value my deep belly laugh—the kind that makes people smile to hear. I’m an eloquent speaker and writer, and have learned to use these skills to be a part of my profession (i.e this blog.) I am a self-proclaimed tea snob, a skill I developed through my mother bringing me up to admire nothing less than the best (which is Red Rose, for the record.)  My body does nothing more than house attributes that I love so much.

I refuse to let my body define my profession, my ability as a professional, my ability to be a good partner to my beloved, my passions for retro gaming or any other damn thing I desire. So what if I want to wear a bikini, showing my stretch marks, my flab, my uneven breasts? If that’s what makes me feel sexy and empowered, that’s what I am going to do and not let anyone else tell me otherwise. I no longer let my jiggly thighs stop me from feeling sexy, nor my uneven breasts prevent from feeling like a woman. I am beautiful and do my best to refuse to think otherwise—no small feat when every advertisement, every image, and every other medium is trying to break me down. In fact, this idea that I should never consider myself beautiful is so pervasive, it can be challenging for me to ignore. I’ve been working on writing this piece for nearly a week, with this version easily being my fourth draft. The first day I wrote it, it was me just bashing on my own body. Which is neither an interesting nor an empowering read. What this shows me is that although I have come a really long way to embrace myself as I am, I still have a ways to go. I am unfortunately still so locked into this frame of mind, I have to actively resist in order to overcome it.  But as I began to pick out the pieces of myself that I really enjoyed, I felt myself grow stronger and more empowered.

I am beautiful. I am sexy. I am intelligent. And it is okay for me to view myself like this. It is okay to like myself.

I offcially called the Cambridge eating disorder clinic... appt. made for Thursday. Taking the pludge, and I still have no idea what I want.