#ed struggle

I'm in a *very* normative body and I usually eat the exact same things every day... and move my body every day... but I'm afraid to do things differently because my sister eats whatever the heck she wants (bread, pasta, butter, sugar, oil) and there are days in which she doesn't move at all... and here I am, doing all these sacrifices, putting so much effort into maintaining a body I barely like and I'm barely, BARELY, smaller than her. like, why do I even bother? and I'm afraid I'll gain a billion lbs and become even bigger if I do, in fact, start eating the way she does and resting the way she does. it's so effortless for her, to look like that... it's not fair, idk

Also, she just told me that I used to smell really badly and that I don't anymore and I remember super vividly the day she was like "you smell like vinegar, you're rotting inside, you gotta eat" and I have never felt as fat and embarrassed as I feel right now? Like, I'm WAY too healthy and huge and hEaLtHy now so I don't smell like I'm in ketosis anymore wtf I'm mad and super ashamed and omg