#ecopath

“ . . . !! ”

He could easily count hishappy memories with one hand.

A few vague recollectionsof quality time spent with his parents, being congratulated for his progress onthe institution, having the kids over there approach him once the adultsallowed them to. He remembered very well, they made him feel human – normal,whatever that even meant in a world full of freaks. And of course, anotherhappy moment would be Hibiki.

Not meeting him or growingclose to him, neither the late night rambling nor how he always took his food,but just Hibiki in general. Everything about him, everything they did together.From the way he called him Jun-chanto how he treated him like his quirk wasn’t life threatening.

There was only one thingabove him, one he often felt guilty for placing it as something more specialthan Hibiki himself . . .

Being pulled down from histie, closing the small gap of height and distance between them to lock lips,eyes widened slightly whilst face grew hot in an instant. He doubted he’d getused to this any time soon, as it was literally a dream come true.

That last thing he placedabove Hibiki was, in fact, his lips. He wanted to make it less evident how muchhe enjoyed them, but he couldn’t help it. He felt as if yesterday all would goback to zero, fearing that he wouldn’t be able to touch him for years again.So, he tried to enjoy every little moment with him as much as he could . . .and it wasn’t that hard.

He eagerly returns the gesture,a hand cupping Hibiki’s face as he deepened the kiss. His heart beat so fast hethought it’d burst out of his chest at any moment, and his hand still shookagainst Hibiki’s skin along with his legs and yet, he wouldn’t pull away. It’dbe a waste to do that, when he knew he could stay like that a little bit longerand memorize the texture of Hibiki’s lips, the feeling of being kissed by him,touching him and just having both their bodies so close without feeling anyfear.

         he allows it ( with him, always ) and eyes soften, lips hinting to stretch into a smile. it brought a good feeling inside him, but it barely showed through his expression what it actually meant to him. instead he’d remain motionless, hand holding onto hibiki’s as lips kissed cloth. his gloves … he wished hibiki had taken them off, but while he wanted that he still knew he wouldn’t do it himself nor he’d let him; even with gloves, his heart raced, taking more of the trust he barely had in himself when he was calm.

         fingers squeezed hibiki’s hand, eyes fixed on the other. he didn’t want to let go, he didn’t want this to end. this kind of attention, to taste the loving caresses he yearned for made him desire for more but years of isolating his cursed body from other’s trained him to not lose control over a small ( yet it meant the world to him ) moment of tenderness, like this one for example. nonetheless, knowing he should not do more than hold onto his hand, he still wondered how would it be, what could happen afterwards, how would it feel. he wondered if the funny feeling inside him would grow with every touch, if his heart would beat faster and if he’d ever reach a point of having enough, of being satisfied to go years without it.. but he wouldn’t know, after all he should stay like that: still, motionless, fighting every urge he had to press hibiki’s hand against his face, to return the kiss with one of his own — it was hard.

         of course he had learned how to keep his hands to himself, but that didn’t mean it was easy. much less if it was someone who meant as much as hibiki did to him. it was hard, it was harder than hard, it was almost impossible and it was taking him every ounce of will and every thought of what would happen to take the other’s hands to his lips.

         he shut tightly his eyes, his head lowering as he inhaled deeply. his grip unconsciously tightened around hibiki’s hand, nails digging into their skin, and it took a moment for jun to realize it could be painful for his friend. as soon as he came back from the depths of his mind, his fingers loosened and he muttered an apology. i need to pull myself together. he realized, looking through barely open eyelids, he had brought hibiki’s hand too close to his face; a brief moment of weakness that could’ve costed him everything. and he wanted to blame the other for making him so weak, but he could only laugh at that thought. it’s because you’re so needy, jun. you say you’re fine with everyone being wary of you, wearing these gloves but you aren’t. he swallowed dryly, eyes closing again once he felt the back of them burn with the threat of sentimentality.

          “ sh … ” it was unusual for him to swear, but even then half of it had been muffled by a heavy exhale. he wished hibiki hadn’t done that ( he knew that was a lie; he loved that he did it and he hated himself for not having full control over his quirk, his emotions yet ) and maybe, just maybe it would be easier to breathe, to keep himself from doing what he knew he couldn’t. while he was flooded with sorrow and a desire to hold the other, he limited himself to intertwining his fingers with hibiki’s. he realized too late he was too clingy but he wouldn’t let go now, he couldn’t even if he wanted to. he needed to hold his hand — no, jun needed to have his hand held.

          “ no – no, i’m sorry. i’m sorry. thank you. i – that was nice. thank you. i’m not – like this ‘cause i didn’t like it, no. i loved it. ” a breathy laugh escapes him, he throws his head back. “ i mean, yeah, you know — you know …”  you know what it means to me. “ —-thank you. that’s – probably the 5th time i say it. ” his voice cracks, he moves as if he’s going to take a step closer but stops himself, balancing himself back into his place almost clumsily. it could’ve been just what it was, innocent affection, but he ruined it and still clung onto the traces of it desperately as if it was a drug he was hopelessly addicted to. perhaps, he should really let go. “ sorry. did i hold your hand too hard? i … don’t know what – what happened. ” he brought his gloved hand to his chest, fingers still laced to hibiki’s ( barely even trying to let go ) as he pressed his hard against his heart. it was too fast. immediately, he tried his best to go over the steps to follow when these kind of things happened; trying to breathe in and out, deeply, and get rid of any thoughts that had provoked this. and he did it, albeit for a moment, but he did follow every step and he did try to calm down but it seemed this fast pace of his heart was because of something else. something that wasn’t what could be controlled with what he was taught. that, or it had reached another level. 

          it hurt. his heart ached with longing mixed with something else. it hurt, but it was a type of hurt he could get used to. he always did.  

          “ i’m sorry – ” it amazed him how he still kept the tears in, but it was obvious they were barely one step away from pouring out in endless streams. “ that was … weird. just – ” he hoped it wouldn’t drive hibiki away from doing it again another time, or from just touching him in general. “ i, uh  … ” how can he put it into words? that he didn’t want hibiki to think he had done something wrong, or that he had disliked it, or that it had triggered him. that he wanted him to do it as much as possible. is that too much? am i exaggerating? 

       the sensation inside him spread over to his whole body. hand pushed his glasses up, then fingers hooked inward the collar of his shirt as if to fix it. hand fidgeted with what it could until it rested as his side, gloved fingertips curled and pressing against his palm. he thought of taking a step closer again but didn’t: first he had to make sure his reaction hadn’t fucked everything up.

        “ can i —- ” heartbeats became faster. he was sure he could hear them hitting hard against his chest, so much it cut off his words. “ can i hold your hand? ” he choked it out, holding hibiki’s gaze with difficulty as a sheepish smile ( forced, most likely ) appeared on features, brows furrowing together slightly. this doubt felt uncharacteristic of him, for he trusted hibiki and believed ( right now, hoped ) that he would stay with him no matter what. it even sounded logical, given all they’ve been through and the time they’ve been together. yet, at this instant, he still feared that the answer that might come after what happened – after the unnecessary, dramatic angst he started —, he feared that hibiki might think of him as dangerous after seeing that he can barely control himself and all this fear was clear on his movements, words and his unsteady gaze ( going from one thing to another then back to hibiki’s ).  

       words hinted at so much more, hidden meanings covered beneath thick layers of narcissism, an act for the audience that dropped when there was none ( when he stopped being one of the crowd, it made him happy ) and yet, as soon as he had broken the silence, it still weighed his heart down, shrinking it before he had even been able to process them when they still lingered in the darkness.

        “ . . . ” he hesitates, wishing to say something - anything that’ll lessen the pain, that’ll lick his wounds but he can’t quite put the right words together. in fact, he doubted he could even muster the right reply, not even if he was given hours or days. this was one of the things you just accepted in silence, but that wasn’t enough for him. 

        jun closed the distance slowly ( i’m real ), shoulder leaning against hibiki’s and gloveless hands hesitant in their approach only to stop midway. anxiety was what caused it, not sadness; he wasn’t sure if this was a mix of both, one where we couldn’t get rid of the former without drowning the latter. in a futile attempt to do it either way, he inhaled deeply. i can’t just let him say that and stay quiet. he took off his glasses, being close enough for him to see hibiki without needing them, and remained in silence as he stared at his friend. gaze soft but unwavering, brows furrowed in the slightest in the shadows underneath light bangs.