#eastersealsthrive

the world has been unkind to you, and i can feel your fright and loneliness as you clutch my hand so something will keep you from the darkness you so fear. 

i know that you want to feel loved, feel reassured that love is solid and real - and you will let him break your heart, and drain your body of all that you knew because you cannot let go of him; you cannot let go of what you so desperately wanted, but were so utterly failed by.

know this, dear girl: the world is fleeting. know that your chasing the days will be beautiful, if only you let it. do not let the smoke curling around your throat fill your lungs and your head; it only whispers unhappiness into your ear. you’re afraid the lights that keep away the darkness will fade and die; they will. but, in the darkness you'll find so much more - no longer will you grab around helplessly for a beam of freedom.

you will suffer - this you must know. you will lose so much across the long, empty years. but you will not be silent anymore. your voice was stolen many times, but it is in the shadows that you'll find it and never let go. your voice will reach through; it will never let you forget. 

i want you to know you'll survive. you will survive and find life. 

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I know what you don't dare to speak out loud. But I have to sign that the question mark is in the wrong place. Why not to you? Everything happens for a reason, and our lives will be consumed in the quest of that purpose. Harder times are yet to come. But you were born a warrior, and titanium doesn't crumble. You may not see the way out sometimes, but you will make it at the end, as you always do. Embrace the mirror and you'll be happier. There is beauty in imperfection, which is perfect to the eyes of the one who made us. Before you even find you had a heart, it will be broken, and the pieces will be smashed over and over countless times. But there's nothing you could've done, there's nothing you could've been to avoid it. It won't be your fault. Even flawless people —if there's such a thing on Earth— get hurt. Your scars will be healed, and they'll also be kissed. Don't be afraid of loneliness, neither of silence. You have to be your better company before you can share yourself with another. You will be a burden only as long as you believe it. I won't warn you about your mistakes, because they will make you the realized woman you are now. You are enough. With love,                  Lorena

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You’re really excited right now because you just got your first power wheelchair. It’s a midnight purple Quikie S-525 and you’re absolutely in love with it. Remember that feeling? Remember how independent you feel right now? 

In the next few years, you’re going to have a lot of moments when you don’t feel like you fit. You may think that it’s your fault. You’re wrong. You haven’t done anything. You may think that it’s God’s fault, and you’d be partially right. God made you. He knew from the moment you were created… from before you were created… exactly who you would grow to be. He knew you would need a wheelchair. But it’s ok. He did it for a reason. It’s not always going to make sense, but you have a purpose just as you are.

You’re going to start high school soon. It’s going to be the best time of your life for a while. You’re going to join just about every activity you can. And you’re going to be great at all of them. But you’re going to do everything you can to take people’s attention away from you’re chair. That’s ok. You’re still new to this world. And you’re going to spend a lot of years thinking you’re not like “those other kids with disabilities”. You’re going to try harder at school, hoping no one will tell you that you shouldn’t be there. Don’t worry. Everyone you meet will like you for you. But you do belong to that world you’re trying so hard to shut out.

Eventually, you’re going to get to college. And you’re going to meet these amazing people at the Office for Students with Disabilities. They’re going to start making you think more about that world you thought you didn’t belong to. You’re going to see just how well you fit. You’re a strong woman with a disability. And the people you meet are going to help you see that. You’re going to travel the world, speak at conferences, and even become Ms. Wheelchair Tennessee 2012.

It’s going to get a little hard sometimes. You’re going to lose people you care about. You’re going to have some of your own health scares. But you’re going to pull through them, and you’re going to be stronger because of it. Just know that everything you’re going to face, you’re strong enough to face it. If you weren’t, you wouldn’t be who you are. So enjoy life. Drink it in. Live every moment. Know that no matter what you go through, you’re going to make it out. And you’re going to change the world.

Love,

I know you may feel like the only person who is “different” right now, but believe me you will soon realize you are not alone. There is actually a community, the disability community, that once you become a part of you will never see yourself without. This is a community of individuals with all different types of abilities, some similar to yours. You will also become close friends with many of them bonding over the physical challenges you face, but more importantly the typical teenage challenges you will encounter (and there will be many).

Knowing what you are going to experience, I am really not going to tell you to do anything differently. You are going to face some tough times, and things aren’t going to always be easy. It is through all these ups and downs that are going to shape you into the person you become. Even as the future you writes this letter, I know there are still many life lesson we still have to learn. You have always been a determined and independent person. Keep it up, I promise you it is going to pay off.

Enjoy the wild ride that is your life,

To my younger self:

More than anything else in the world, you need to learn to advocate for yourself. Math, science, history, yeah that stuff is important, but above it all, the best lesson you can learn is that of self advocacy. It gets you places, and it makes you many friends along the way. Which reminds me, it doesn't matter how many friends you have, what matters is the quality of those friends. On a similar note, don't let yourself get caught up on what you have and don't have, can do or can't do. If people can't accept you for who you are, then they are not worth your time.

Get ready to take chances. Life is full of many paths, and some times you have to choose one on the spur of the moment. Think on your feet and make a choice. Remember you don't have to stick to it if it doesn't work out. Not everything is going to work out, but there are always alternatives.

You have a lot to learn. We all do. All throughout life, regardless of age, we're all still learning. We're all still working on honing the skills we have and bettering those we haven't quite grasped yet. So take it all in stride and enjoy life to the fullest. You only live once, so get out there and do something.

Much love My 2013 self

You’ve just begun college, and I gotta admit that you are already a different person than you were just a few months ago. But right now I am writing to you five years later from the future, and there is even more that will surprise you about yourself even though right now sitting in your dorm room you feel like you’ve got everything all figured out. 

The truth is that you don’t have it all figured out. And I know that that scares you to admit. It scares you because it makes you feel alone and isolated, because you are holding onto some secret mystery that you think only you have to hold onto for dear life. Right now you don’t even know what that secret mystery is, it’s just a presence inside of you that you’ve become used to until the day you begin to give it a name and let others in on it too. Over time the secret doesn’t really become heavier or any lighter on your shoulders, it just becomes less of an elephant inside of you and more of a light.

Spoiler alert: You aren’t afraid to try even though up until now you haven’t experienced failures that will leave you in your bed for days, crying and refusing to talk to anyone. You aren’t afraid to jump into things and become involved even though those decisions may make you completely re-think the person you are, and what you’re capable of. But most of all you are unafraid to reach out to others and help, even though you will learn in that process parts of yourself you were too embarrassed to admit, and quite frankly felt like you didn’t know the words to explain what you wanted and why. 

I will say that five years later none of those things have stopped being true. At least now you know what that secret mystery inside of you is. You know that it hasn’t really stopped being a mystery, maybe less of a secret because you have found so many others to share it with. But there are still some parts of it that are unknown and I am so grateful to have discovered other disabled women whose experiences and willingness to come together allow the questions from yesterday and today to ignite your passions for tomorrow.