#dynosteveweekthree

Holy smoked meats, it’s already Week 03 of fantasy football. Mitch Kiper has had to pull himself out of a multi-day beef-and-beer hangover to write this piece. He’ll be sweating out grease for weeks, and trying to get the image of Goose’s bare soffe short thighs out of his head for years. Why does a man that large choose to wear shorts that small? But I digress. This past week brought plenty of drama in the NFL. We learned that kickers can’t kick, Fitzmagic is more than a one-time-only show, and the Browns will Brown whenever given a chance.

Also, **NEWSFLASH**!!! In doing his prepwork for this week’s Kipreview, Mitch Kiper found a potential RULES VIOLATION! And for once, it isn’t being perpetrated by Gakusei Kai, so this is really juicy you guys. Read on to learn more about it.

NOTABLE TRANSACTION:

Bergen Boxtables – Trading for Tyler Eifert, TE CIN

In years past, there was controversy whenever a team played a guaranteed 0 point-getter at a position. Remember that? Remember? ‘Member? Well Ben wasn’t breaking any rules by playing his Tight Ends—they were healthy, and they did play snaps—but they might as well have been sitting on the bench when you considered the lack of production they put up. In the first two weeks, his three rostered Tight Ends combined for 1.6 fppg. Not averaged, combined. Worth noting: those points were Mike “Get off my” Gesecki in Week One. He was on the bench. That means in two weeks the Boxtables had earned exactly 0 points at one position. Now with Eifert on the table, Bergen is at least guaranteed some points… we hope.

Here is how the Boxtables Roster and TE depth chart now looks after the trade:

(Stats on the TE comparison: Current Avg PPG, Avg C-PPG, Percentile vs. Rostered TEs)

Needless to say, even for Eifert, who has yet to put up the numbers he used to, this is an upgrade for the Boxtables. Prior to the trade, the Boxtables were 9th in the Kiper ratings, with a 85.79 (B) rating. They are now 7th, with a 88.01 (B+).

Honorable mentions go to…

- Laeso Longships & Ludders -  Tyler Boyd WR CIN: Seems like everyone wanted a Tyler from Cincinnati this week. The Ludders made a solid pickup with some actual long term potential, provided Boyd continues to outplay John Ross. Dalton and Boyd seem to have a good rapport, and with A.J. Green on the last few years of his career, could potentially turn from an NFL WR2 to WR1 eventually… as long as he can keep up the performance. Per Kiper’s C-PPG, Boyd immediately slots in as LONG’s WR4, only decimal points behind Chris Godwin.

- Gakusei Kai Nickelsnatchers – Ryan Fitzpatrick QB TB: On Thursday, GM Haymitch Golden was told that Marcus Mariota would be healthy. So, he did not play Joe Flacco . On Sunday, Haymitch was given sad news: Mariota was healthy, but would not be playing. So, he had to pick up a 6th QB. In an exclusive interview, Haymitch revealed to Mitch Kiper that he was not proud of having to carry a 6th QB, but he should be proud of the result. For once, a gameday pickup resulted in points a-plenty for the Nickelsnatchers. If only they had running backs who, you know, ran as backs.

Dishonorable mention goes to…

- Hammerfest Hammerfest – Week One trade with ONED: As long as Scenario Dookie-o keeps making references to the Jaguars trade of 2018 (which we truly cannot grade until at least mid-season), Mitch Kiper will continually make references to this trade (which we truly cannot grade until at least mid-season). When the trade was made, Mitch Kiper predicted that One Direction—er, the Stockholm Syndrome—would be the winner. He was proven at least partially right in the head-to-head matchup between these two trade partners. Had the trade never made it through the oligarchy, the Hammerfest would have won this game. Instead, they are 0-2.

TOP FREE AGENTS:

It’s a sad, lonely world in free agency. But if you want to brave it, here are the top free agents according to cppg, and the rostered players closest to them in the ranks:

TAXI WATCH:

For the true crime fans of Dynosteve, here’s what you’ve been waiting for. When Mitch Kiper took a look at the taxi watch, he expected to comment on Nyheim Hines, Antonio Callaway, and maybe take a jab at Sam Darnold hype. What he never expected was **!!!CONTROVERSY!!!**. It seems as if there’s an owner who doesn’t understand the rules of placing a player on the squad. Take a look for yourself and see if you can spot the perp.

Dynasty crimes aside, here are relevant taxi updates you need.

- Dante Pettis: Pettis slowed down this week, only putting up 5.3 ppg. Based on c-ppg, Pettis is Longship’s WR7. As of right now, he’s safe on the squad.

- Nyheim Hines: Only a team as strong as the Falls could afford to rack up a taxi fare like Nyheim Hines. Hines put up a second decent week, though this one was mainly due to a touchdown. His carries, yardage, and receptions were not up to snuff. Even so, Hines would rank as the Falls RB5 were he to be on the active roster. If Mixon’s absence extends beyond what’s anticipated, or if any more of the Falls’ RBs are to, well, fall, look for Hines to get a promotion.

- Antonio Callaway: With Josh Gordon out of the picture, Callaway makes an intriguing case as a WR2 in an offense that’s bound to be passing. He has plenty of talent, and would have been an NFL first rounder if not for off-the-field issues. Right now he’d be the Fenom’s WR7, so it’s not a necessity to bring him up just yet. That said, Callaway is an interesting situation to watch.

LEAGUE OVERVIEW:

Finally, the league overview. Let Thatcher’s facebook arguments commence.