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You’ve never seen nor heard of this movie. But now you hate it. Is it because of the TOPLESS MENUS? The smiling while holding types of underwear? Everything else about it? Yes, it’s because of that. 

Don’t let the cryptic title fool you. The film Golf Balls is actually about golf balls. As well as goof balls...and BABES! And yet, somehow, you still have found a way to hate this movie. Well done.

Despite the FREE BONUS! Soundtrack CD generously included with this film, you have a burning hatred for it all the same. That tagline (”28 beers. 6 students. 1 assignment.”) sets the new land speed record in going from boring to the most boring in 3 sentence fragments flat. Also: bonus negative points awarded for besmirching Malin Akerman’s good name. 

You have done the math, and yet another baffling word problem tag-line makes you hate this movie despite it being in the BITING tradition of Swimming With Sharks. Not even the presence of Illiana Douglas, Stephen Rea and TOM FREAKING ARNOLD can help you get past the fact that there is a tiny man with flippers in a water bottle holding a briefcase and five $10 bills, while a super tiny shark swims below him and a phantom, god-like fisherman has hooked his tie through the bottle. It’s like an ink-blot test, and the only possible answer is “go to hell for showing me this.”

You hate the fact that these tiny dudes are staring directly at you, in mortal terror as if you are some sort of fearsome monster, while there is a perfectly shapely person--possibly a woman--possibly a MILF--towering over them, wearing dystopian future high heels. You also hate the movie in general, because it’s the “UNRATED EXPERIENCED EDITION,” because it’s called MILF, and because of everything else on offer here. 

You are really starting to hate math equation tag-lines by this point. You also hate everything about this movie, and you want to punch all of those dudes in the face. Apparently, they go to MFU State, and the mascot for this college is a “cock.” That’s garbage. This is garbage. That lady is 9 feet tall.