#duhwritemind

I'm in a Funk...

Until recently, (give or take 5 years ago) I never truly knew what I wanted to do with my life. I would "go with the flow" with whatever life threw at me and never truly appreciated the time I had for myself.

Time blurred with friends I never truly got to know, sexual partners that I'm not even sure ever cared about my well-being and drugs. A lot of drugs...

I'm not proud to say I have ingested my fair share of narcotics since I was 16 years old. It wasn't until I met my recent boyfriend that I found out how little it gave me.

I'm also not ashamed of my past either. See, here's the thing, I'm a firm believer in the saying that goes "everything happens for a reason." Had I not dazed my life away, I would not appreciate the time I have now.

I gave up so much of my time and energy on activities that now seem more like dreams from another life. I loved the people that came and left the paths we once crossed, but now they're a mere memory. I do not keep in touch with everyone from my past.

I miss being so blissfully unaware of the life that evolved around me. One second I was 21 and met someone who I thought would be in my life forever. The moment slips into a black hole and I'm back to square one.

Lately, I have felt so stuck. That might not be the right word but I don't feel as excited about life as I used to be. I feel lazy, unmotivated, tired, lost...the list goes on.

I know this is only temporary. All emotions are. I just wish I could do more for the world.

Every passing year makes me feel that I have nothing to show for it. I spent a good chunk of my life confused and high that now all I can think about is all the time I have wasted.

This is only temporary.

I'm not depressed or anxious. I have my wits. I know I can get myself out of this. It's just a matter of how.

I know I will always have God on my side. I should pray more.

Anyways, not sure what the point of this entry was. Maybe to vent. My mind is all over the place.

I guess I'll circle back to where I am now. I say I'm lost and confused but realistically I do the same thing every day. Maybe I just feel stuck in a loop.

Have a figured it out? Perhaps.

I know I want to help others. I know I am a passionate human being. I feel the light in my eyes spark when I hear the stories of others. I want to share with the world what I have learned but when you're in a room all by yourself, it becomes redundant.

I still have a lot to figure out but I guess as the saying goes "c'est la vie."

Thanks for reading to the end. Stay blessed, beautiful humans.🙏🏼

I felt pleasantly grateful today. I went to work, had the rest of my breakfast I didn't finish and started typing away at the computer.

Recently, I started reading again (I forgot how much I LOVE reading) and frankly, I'm excited to announce I've also started an Instagram page where I'll be sharing my thoughts and ideas on books I've read/will read.

I found a new sense of purpose and I couldn't help but thank God today. I should get into the practice of thanking him every day but today I just felt so good about my life.

I want to name three things I'm grateful for today.

I'm grateful for the photos of the sunrise I took today

I'm grateful I mentioned that I finished a good book to my coworker today

I'm grateful I got to spend time watching a movie with my boyfriend

[Here are the photos I took for reference. Aren't they pretty?] 💛

I read somewhere (or possibly heard in a podcast) that simply being grateful for every day tasks isn't enough. If you stop to think of new things to be grateful for every day, it'll help you be more mindful and appreciative of life itself.

I chose three because that's my favorite number. 💖

I have a lot more on my mind but it is past my bed time. I'd like to try to keep my thoughts organized as well. I tend to ramble a lot.

Hello world,

It has been a whole ass week since a personal entry has been submitted on this forum so, I think I let my non-existant audience go on without me for long enough.

Since last week, I got a sunburn, possibly a promotion (I got more hours at work so, I think that's something), a new perspective on love AND I just finished a book I have been reading since last month.

I think this week has been productive as fuck. A little stress came from my landlord when he mentioned we were wasting too much electricity after he pointed out our neighbor has been paying $300 more than his average electricity bill of apparently $500 (which I think is still a lot in my opinion).

I am now cursed to live in a 70° to 72° Fahrenheit efficiency in Miami because my boyfriend and I realized the energy was being wasted on our A/C unit constantly running.

Anyways, I learned a lot from this experience:

I'm still an overthinker, but I tend to suppress my thoughts until I don't need to focus on work or school.

I need to consider electricity and water costs when I move into my next place (I do not pay those costs at the moment). I only pay a flat fee of $1,000 per month to my landlord.

I'm surprisingly doing well in cutting down my debt.

My boyfriend and I considered moving out after this whole ordeal with my landlord, who also suggested we get rid of our fish tank.

My boyfriend insisted we keep them because that is not where the electricity is being wasted. To put it into perspective, the average cost of power to have a fish tank is only $30 to $40 per month, not hundreds of dollars.

We talked to our friend, who is unsure of a lot in his life right now, to move into another place with us, but that was a whole other headache in it of itself.

I need more patience. I have worked on myself a lot throughout the years but in moments where I am aware of how much work I still have to put in to myself humbles me.

Main takeaway of this entry: Everything takes time.

My boyfriend and I discussed our plans for the future (as couples should every so often in the relationship) and it made me realize just how little I know about life.

Living alone -- I've done it before, but I couldn't help but feel so clueless when I was asked if I wanted to rent or buy a home.

There are pros and cons with both but I felt so stumped.

I know we can be better than before.

When I look back on my life, I almost don't recognize the person I was. But, I acknowledge her and appreciate her presence.

I hope whoever reads this gains some sort of comfort in knowing that you do not have to know everything there is to know about the path you take.

Life is full of mistakes and regrets. Don't let them hold you back.

Bad life choice are meant to be a learning experience. Always, always, always continue to reflect and understand what went wrong in the past because it can only accelerate your growth.

Well, that's all for now folks. I hope you all shine like the beaming miracles of light you all are.

Our lives are worth sharing. I think the love of sharing our stories is why social media platforms are so successful.

People live on through storytelling; it's a beautiful practice. I have been drawn to it ever since I started to discover my flaws and weaknesses.

We share ideas, beliefs, memories and everything in between because we all want connection. Everyone wants to be loved and to love as deeply as possible. I share the same fate with you all.

Love is valuable and precious. Often it gets taken for granted because we seek a more intimate love. But, when loved correctly, you approach compassion and vulnerability with a true form of empathy.

Caring for others, whether it be in person or online, can take up your time and energy, but it's worth it if you can see how different their life would be without you.

This entry is to remind myself and whoever reads this far into my entry to be more kind to others. Everyone has a story. Everyone has a reason. Everyone has a purpose.