#duanalyticsrox

So, you have taken the risk of clicking on the link to read my farewell message. That’s +1 for your bravery. Everything written here is only on the lighter side and my apologies (I don’t mean it) to those whom I have named in this note. I used this channel to post my farewell note as I don’t think I can host such material on company exchange server :).

I took some parts from an anonymous post on internet. So my gratitude to the person who wrote the original (or some parts of it). 

First, on a serious note (seriously), I feel truly sad while leaving du. I really don’t have words to describe such sombre sentiments but the only good feeling giving me courage to go through with this sad experience is that I believe I am leaving behind a good legacy (atleast for Analytics team).. I just have one regret while leaving du; I didn’t get enough time to spend with Dirk and this great analytics team, which Dirk has managed to gather. I am sure I will never have the opportunity to work with such talented and brilliant people ever in my life. I learnt so much in last 2 years from Dirk which I couldn’t ever in my previous life. Thank you Dirk and my lovely Analytics team to give me these memorable 2 years of my life.  If I could by any means, I would have stayed on for another couple of years to avail this marvellous learning opportunity. My family needs me and hence I decided to join them in Canada. 

And now to some saucy content. Please remember that its intended to offend everyone, so do NOT presume that I have only singled you out for the honour! :). And I might keep updating this message if I remember someone who needs to be “dealt with” in my message. So do come back and visit this page, if you felt left out.

My last working day is 4th June 2015. Yes, I do plan to sneak out early on 4th as I have to catch a flight in the afternoon. Don’t try to meet me that day. Don’t fix any meetings either, unless there is some food involved. 

At the outset, let me admit that some will be sad that I am leaving while some will be pleased with this situation (I am still watching you). For the latter, I always thought this is a perfect reflection of how it would be like once I exit the door on 4thhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=llDTurQxPgQ (as taken from Ace Ventura).

Regarding this message, I’m sure some of you find it to be useful and some find it blissful, while some others find it painful enough to make me feel glad. 

I would like to thank each of you for every experience shared, friendship made, and good times had during my stint here… as well as the occasional stab-in-the-back! It was rewarding to work alongside many of you (not all), and to have known most of you (not all) personally. I wish you all the very best in the future, but only if you wish me the same! 

Now that I’m leaving, I realize most things have remained the same - the cafeteria food still gives me a stomach ache, the a/c is still at full blast - making us feel as if the arctic wind is blowing down here, the elevator still stops at every floor you don’t want it to and finally, CEO still scares us every year that next year is going to be tougher than before but with some miracle (and efforts of Analytics team) we manage to achieve more than 120%. So all those worrying about your bonus for 2015, you are in for a surprise. I am very sure, just like every year earlier, our commercial colleagues will make a “mistake” which will result in a marvellous recovery ending the year with flying colors. If everything was perfect, we would never have done what we achieved in last 8 years. So there is always hope for “average people” like me and AbdelHalim :).

But best of all, the signage in the building is amazing - tells us exactly where the stairs are in case of a fire and confuses me totally about the offers we have in the market. Isn’t it ironic when a quote on the meeting room wall is in stark contrast to contents of the meeting we are having there (hint: quote says every day should be better than yesterday and subject of the meeting is how to ensure we do exactly what we did last time). To those few souls with whom I’ve actually interacted, here are my personalized notes of farewell (cast not in order of experience): @ Nitin: Learn to be anything but nice (be nasty bro). I tried my best to make you evil but I guess you genetic code is truly hard wired.

 @ Michelle & Lavanya: Keep smiling and be lenient on those poor souls at home. And take the same advice I gave to Nitin.

@ Xavi & Emilio: I hope you guys have learnt the lesson that swimming pool, beer and “bird watching” don’t go together unless you have sun cream as well. With all that tan, you don’t want to look like an Indian while you don’t know anything Indian beyond “theek hay”

@Adhoc team: stay away from her, him and him (you know who they are). They will drown you in data requests although they may be pleasing for your eyes.

@ X, Y and Z (you know who you are): Hope to bump into you in parking lot in a neutral country. 

@ Col. Jordi Lo: Next time, instead of bringing your parents dog from Spain, buy me a ticket. With the kind of VIP treatment he (or was it she) got, I will be happy to be hosted as your dog (or other gender). And I think you should stage a coup and take over General FF’s domain. 

@ Gen. Fernando F: Col JLo is planning a coup. Get rid of him. Send him back to Katalan.

@ Wido: Smile - life is not an excel sheet…!

@ Amer Ch.: If you had invested same amount of time in learning the "flamingo” dance instead, you would be a star by now. So I say “business ko chhick kay rukh” 

@ Taimur: Your energy levels remind me of SRK… on sedatives!

@ PE Colleagues: Arguing with you is like arguing with my dining table - its beautiful and polished, but made of glass… and everyone can just sit around it.

@ All planning colleagues: Follow this mantra for success - if at first you don’t succeed, blame somebody :)

@ Abdessalem: It’s a small world, so beware - I could come back as your boss ;). And can I please request you to find an alternate job within next 2-3 years. That would create an opportunity for me to come back to du. There can be no other job better than mine at du. Thanks to the awesome team we have.

@ Odile: Wish I had the chance to work with you more, madam… I have a feeling you’d be a great boss to irritate!

@ MSB (you know who you are): Spare some time and effort to look and please your wife with same passion as you do for your boss. There is life beyond your boss as well. That’s not the afterlife promised to you by God. But then, if you are going to end up with same wife in Heavens, what’s the point of serving her here. I take back my words. I say stick with the boss.  

@ Rizwan S: Thanx for being the first guy ever to make me feel slim :) And don’t forget to include me in your thank-you speech when you get an award, again, this year!

@ Jonathan: Looking at your shirt choices, I can agree to marry you in next life (I assume you will have a “forklift migration” to other gender in next life). If, in next life, you are still a male, we can always go to Ireland.

@ Vedran: “Frank” would be proud of you, anytime, anywhere, any situation.

@ Asma : you are too pretty to be working in Analytics (IT was way below even Analytics). 

@ myself: you are too ugly to be working for Analytics. Go back to Finance department.

@ Bilal S: Enough of the posing and getting “sick” every other day…..… “Iodex maliye aur kaam pe chaliye!”

@ Anyone else I’ve forgotten to mention - please don’t think you’re not important enough; it’s just that I’m preoccupied with preparations for my departure! For those of you who wanted to have my collection of stationery (yes, I confess - I was stocking up on it just for this day) - I’ve left my whiteboard duster, a pen with very little ink, 4 tacks, a broken stack of stapler pins, 6 lunch vouchers (which don’t work anymore since HR changed their “vendor”) and some unused sheets of paper on my desk… u can steal it when no one’s not looking. I’m also leaving my mark here, in the form of my initials indelibly inked on the armrests of my chair with a waterproof marker - you may pay obeisance at that altar in my memory once I have Ieft. If you wish to beat me up for what I’ve revealed or how I might have treated you during my royal stay at du, please take a number and get behind the long line forming outside the office for this very purpose! As I practically live online, any of u can easily find me on Facebook, LinkedIn, Twitter and so on… although I would prefer that some of u didn’t. If anyone wants to keep in touch, you can email me. However, I reserve the right to answer!

With malice towards one (in particular) and all, 

Your Big Mama for ever………………Asad Canadian Mir (lets see if Canadians can survive me)