i wanna be the type of author people are obsessed with, but not because of my personality or looks or Me as a person at all, but because of my works. purely the works. i want people to be like "oh my god, her shit is on another level and it's so insane" "there's no one writing like her today i'm obsessed" etc etc. i wanna be what the authors of previous eras were to me, what they hold in my mind and imagination. i wanna be somebody's mervyn peake. somebody's mary shelley. somebody's (god! the dream!!) charlotte bronte. that's what i'm truly aiming for here, so i shouldn't even look at nor compare myself to the people in the amazon bestselling top 20. they're not relevant to me. in 100 years maybe, people will have stopped reading their shit. not mine though. i'm making things to last. i'm gonna work until that's reality. i want to have silly characters and serious characters and good characters and horrible, downright terrifying characters a la cormac mccarthy. i know i'm capable of it. i've seen enough horrors in this lifetime to draw from.
and yeah, i know the general public doesn't Read anymore, but my god if i wouldn't try to bring that back too. on a different level than hairry porper stuff because that was, idk. yeah it was good on some levels, but what i can create can be so much bigger. so much better. there's worlds and galaxies and universes and so, so many characters inside me. possibilities on one plane and possibilities on another plane, all cris-crossing and intersecting and being part of this big, living breathing thing inside me that's just dying to get out. if i could only harness it, catch the intangible slithery eels, pin them down and actually get them on paper, do them justice?.....idk man, something pretty crazy and cool might come out of it. my sister was watching the hunger games movies today and all i could think watching was "you too, can create something like this". i absolutely can. i so, so can and i know this deep inside me, and the self doubting and critical parts of me are just up there on the surface, loudly chattering. i should ignore them and try and do the thing anyway.
