#drunkandbored

“My Key of Longing is all up in your business.” “Keep your Key of Longing far away from my business.”

“I am salad. Hear me wilt.”

“Robot is not a relationship.”

“He’s just a guy in the dark. I’m a robot.” [rolls] “.....a robot that didn't do very well.”

“If you would like to be on a gun and shoot a boat...”

“Meanwhile, in the cult meeting on the 9th floor...”

“Today on All of yoshi’s White Friends Look the Same...”

“Y’all aren’t useless, but I am much better than you.”

“Wait, I thought balaclava was something you bake...what are we talking about?”

“We are top men.” “Who’s the bottom?” “THE EMPIRE.”

“I identify as Colt. My preferred pronoun is BOOM.”

“Did Crash go home or are we still forcing him to drive boats?”

“What kind of hospital is this?!” “BAR. We’re in a BAR.”

“Can I seduce the building?”

“DON’T. USE THE GRENADES. UNLESS SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO. YOU BLOCKHEAD.”

“Nobody touch the thingy beyond the thingy. Until we inspect all the thingies.”

“I killed the dead so hard they died again.”

“You’re gonna pretend to be a burn victim.” “I am a burn victim.” “Fair.”

“Don’t have sex with him until I ask him questions.”

“Can we break into a goddamn gun store?” “NO. They have GUNS.”

“That’s a 7 for Towering Presence.” “How tower do you presence?”

“You’ve seen her more recently than I-” [out of character] “HELLO, BIRD...”

“Are you seizing his leg by force? “Yes.” “With a bullet?” “Yes.”

“Right now I’m placing you under arrest for being a general dick.”

“...except we CAN’T because the doctor has ruptured her SPLEEN while trying to heal you.”

“YOU CAN’T RUN ON A BOAT. YOU RUN OUT OF BOAT.”

“Is this your lesbian?” “Someone dropped this lesbian.” “This is IKEA security. Please return to the kids ball pit to pick up your lesbian. She’s uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to be here.”

“How do dead people respond to fire? I’m feeling not good; let’s go kill the mayor.”

“It could be a beer.” “It could be a cat.” “I would gladly share a cat with you, Rookie. We can name it Bootsy.”

"North. And by north, I mean up."

"FOLLOW ME I KNOW EVERYTHING"

"That's a 10 for light them on fire."

"You concentrate your mind power and they go boom. "I haven't rolled yet." "Roll and we'll see how much they go boom."

"What does the weird look like to you?" "Everything's on fire." "Everything IS on fire."

"How ya been since I been gone?" "DEAD."

"You're up on the shore in a sort of beachfront cabana which you have repurposed into an eldritch tableau of horrors."

"I walk toward the company on the beach. Praying loudly."

"What kind of knife are you using?" "A BIG KNIFE."

"You are still standing-" [OPERATIC HIGH E]

[after critting] "Am I winning? Is this good?"

"You're out of this universe. We'll see what that means later."

"Yea, though you ride through the valley of tentacles, you should fear the evil because they are stronger than you."

"Let's get some righteous brimstone and fire up this bitch! I pray NEGATIVELY at the tentacles!"

"...preferably with a mode of transportation that doesn't involve my permanently broken leg and my recently broken leg."

"Sir, put down your burger and help me!" "Hold for burger."

"We cut back to Juan." "Yaaaaaaay!" "Juan is dead." "I'm dead."

"Do you remember what happened to you?" "YEAH. Some BULLSHIT."

"Alright, FUCK IT. This part will now be played by BANE."

"Should I stop calling you Cap and start calling you Senpai?" "NOTICE ME SENPAI" "I'M SITTING DEMURELY IN THE CORNER"

"Do you have a name?" "I have a medical degree." "THAT'S NOT MY QUESTION"

"Roll for nope."

"Would you say that knowing is half the flour?" "NEVER LEAVE ME"

[sarcastically] "Yeah, let's hide my seven foot self behind a tree." "...how big do you think trees are?"

"Do I still mark down lore on my Apocalypse World sheet?" "Yes." "Okay. What do I use lore for?" "Eh."

"That's a 14 for me. So I would like to say that in the process of doing this, I put sunglasses on."

"Faced with his own mortality, Jack's first thought is he needs more guns."

"There's a pile of Jacks on the ground." "What?" "I told [the deer] to put you down and it put your corpse on top of your other corpse." "Aaaaaaaaaaw I'm getting beer..."

"Ask not for whom the beep boops. The beep boops for beep."

"I take out my badge. I'M COMMANDEERING YOUR HANDTRUCK."

"Are you who I should be talking to about getting reimbursed for one arm?" "SHUT UP."

"Will he give me an arm?" "No, but he'll give you a handjob if you ask nicely." "...I'll take that."

"Inspector Columbus has been spending a lot of time at a dude ranch finding himself."

"That's a 10." "To lug?" "Yeah." "You lug."

"Do you think better in ovens?"

"Wait, do I have my arm with me?" "Maybe it's in your left pocket and you just can't reach that far."

"FIND ME SOMEONE WHO SPEAKS BURBLE, JENKINS"

"From thence, every time you enter and exit your mansion there's a burbling wizard outside your room."

"I'm so glad Matthew Macconaughey joined our game."

"Ryan! Can my crab talk to their crabs?"

"This is what happens when you leave Crash in the car for too long." "His nipples grow facets?"

"Wait. I'm sorry. Did the police department send out a one-armed debutante to stop riots?"

"Hang on, I'm putting her on speaker crab."

"+1 creepy worm sex roll."

"In fact, specifically write down 'tentacle fetish' on your sheets."

"The next person who says 'furry key party' is in trouble."

"SIR MIX-A-LOT WE HAVE TO GO BACK"

"What's the opposite of fanservice? "Fandisservice?" "Fantagonism?"

"Juan does not subscribe to bigomeat."

"Take one health for alcohol poisoning." "Your liver is scuffed."

"What's the bartender's name?" "Gary."

"What are your intentions on being here?" "We were trying to be exactly away from you."

"He lips a tarf off of one corner of the barsemont."

"What were you doing over there?" "I was doing donuts, mostly."

"Check his butt." "I don't wanna check his butt." "You guys are threatening to cut off his toes and shit and you haven't even done a cavity search yet. Where's your PROFESSIONALISM?"

"You two know very little of my work, don't you?" "Well, we blew most of it up before we could read it, so y'know. MY BAD."

"A hand reaches through the wall." "I WANT TO SHOOT IT."

"I rolled a gentleman's two." [dramatically drops napkin like handkerchief] "Oh, my!"

"Crash. I hope your shootin' is as good as your drivin'." "It is not."

"Yeah, it's like a big ol' butt that you just shimmy yourselves through."

"Determine the presence of a physical hazard." "Well, I don't know if this counts as a physical hazard but there's blood everywhere."

"You're still climbing down the ladder." "I thought we were already on the ground." "I thought so, too." "Well, in THAT CASE, I'm gonna INDIANA JONES THIS SHIT" "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN" "SWING"

"The chair recognizes the slightly deranged man."

"I don't think well on ladders."

"I want to suffer little harm. Inflict TERRIBLE harm. And take definite hold of his brain with my bullet."

"SAVE THE FLAMES FOR THE BEES"

"You dive for a rock and get shot in the butt."

"What emerges-" "Worm friend?" "-is a worm hatchling." "WORM FRIEND I'm gonna convince it that we're friends."

"That's an 11 for snapping Kellis' neck." "The milkman pops the top of Kellis' bottle."