#drunk vision

It was supposed to be a nice Saturday, a celebration of the public holiday that blessed the team with four days off work, and yet Vision had been feeling strange all afternoon. It was difficult to place what was rubbing him the wrong way – it was even more challenging to process the feelings he had. Of course, he understood it logically, how his synthetic limbic system was able to replicate emotions based on feedback the outside world presented to his brain. But actually putting his feelings into words was far more difficult.

He had discussed this aspect of his development with Helen Cho two months earlier, as he so often did when he had challenges in adapting to a world that saw him as a simple robot. Her hypothesis, she had explained over lunch, was that Vision was bombarded with emotions in a way that any regular adult might be, except he had not had the years to develop ways to cope with them. Vision could feel all the feelings that he wanted, and he knew how they informed his decisions, but it didn’t make it much easier when it came to accepting those feelings. But Helen had explained there wasn’t a way to speed that process up without extensive surgery and the potential altering of his personality.

So, he read and read and read, consuming as much knowledge as he could to make up for all the years of emotional development that a being of his maturity was expected to have.

They were outside on the grassy lawn spanning out the front of the Avengers Compound. The immaculate lawns were at present occupied by two long couches that he had help carry outside, a barbeque and a long banquet table that was gradually filling up with food. Vision was surrounded by the teammates who had become his friends in the less than a year he had been living with them. It was a nice evening, so what was it that had him all hot and bothered?

“You all right there, buddy?” Clint said, slapping Vision on the back in a way he had seen the others do.

“I am well thank you, Clint,” Vision said managing a smile that satisfied the archer enough that he returned to his conversation with Thor and Natasha. The three of them were starting another round of beers as Vision awkwardly sat nearby.

“You want one, Vision?” Thor asked, holding one of the drinks out to him.

Vision opened his mouth in hesitation, wondering if he might be able to, just this once. “I can’t,” he said finally, knowing his systems wouldn’t be able to absorb the alcohol, or any liquid for that matter. The others didn’t question it, but Vision couldn’t help thinking that they still found him rather… odd.

As they returned to their conversation, sitting in an open enough group that Vision was included and welcomed into the conversation, he couldn’t help feeling disappointed. Everyone around him was engaging in the social act of consumption, and he couldn’t. It hadn’t really bothered him before, but now that he saw them all engaging in this normal practice together, Vision couldn’t help feeling a bit left out. What other countless things did he miss out on simply by not being a human?

Looking for a distraction Vision directed his gaze away from the conversation happening around him and instead looked to the rest of his companions. His eyes immediately found Wanda, he couldn’t help it. There was a pull between them that couldn’t but denied. The connection scared him, despite the synthetic nature of his amygdala. Even as he gazed at her from a distance now, there was a part of him that wanted to get up and go to her side. He’d grown used to the feeling and relished the time they shared together and all that she made him feel. The rush of dopamine when she smiled, the spike in serotonin when he was the source of that smile, the spark of adrenaline when her hand accidentally brushed his skin. None of these reactions scared him, not really. The attraction was too pleasant to truly fear. No, the scary part was that once he was at her side he never wanted to leave.

As he mulled this over Wanda felt his gaze and glanced over her shoulder, pausing her monitoring of the barbecue to give him a quick smirk. Vision, distracted as he was, panicked and quickly looked away in embarrassment. Out of the corner of his eye he saw her frown and turn back to Steve who was helping her with flipping the burger patties.

Frustrated at himself he returned his gaze to the pair at the barbecue. He watched as Wanda’s arm slipped trying to flip a particularly stubborn patty and Steve quickly grabbed her elbow lest it hit the hot surface of the grill. Even as Vision’s fear spiked a moment at the prospect of Wanda being injured, his irritation grew exponentially.

In reaction to Wanda’s near accident he had half risen from the couch and realised it would now look odd if he didn’t commit to standing up. Reluctantly he left the chattering trio he’d been beside and made his rounds to the other teammates. Tony was helping Pepper set out the cutlery down the long table and Vision decided this was a safe enough space to place himself until they sat down for food.

He absentmindedly made small talk with the pair and helped in gathering glasses from inside and bringing them out to be filled with beer and various other refreshments he couldn’t consume. As he did, he kept half an eye on Wanda and Steve, hating the irritation that grew as they laughed and joked. It was entirely irrational. Vision admired Steve a great deal and had only ever had respect for him in their training. He was proud to have established a good enough relationship with the Captain that he was able to be called a friend. But seeing the pair enjoying themselves made him upset, a little bit angry and…

And jealous.

Whether it was the shock or not he couldn’t be sure, but the feelings died immediately as he reprimanded himself for his own presumptuousness. What right did he have to feel jealousy of all things, watching Wanda getting along with the Captain. It was not his place to feel this way. They certainly weren’t at a point in their relationship where such a thing might be acceptable, or even desired by her. What are the chances that a human would fall for a synthezoid?

None. He replied to himself. Zero, nada, zilch. It was so impossible it didn’t deserve his attention and so he gloomily turned his mind to the table before him and continued setting out glasses.

The dinner itself was rather uneventful. Or as uneventful as things could get with the Avengers. Thor had challenged Steve to a drinking competition, a dangerous prospect given Thor’s immeasurable tolerance for alcohol and Steve’s high metabolism.

The rest of the team were content to behold the competition without intervening, instead chattering in small groups around the table.

As always, there was an ease to the conversation and Vision found it welcoming, occasionally joining in here and there. But he mostly listened, content to absorb that which was said around him without offering his input. If anyone noticed he was more quiet than normal, they said nothing. And if Wanda thought it was strange that he had placed himself at the opposite end of the table to her, she did not acknowledge it, save for a hesitant glance his way every few minutes.

Thor and Steve were well into their 15th drinks when the team wrapped up dinner.

“Can you give me a hand with the movie, Vision?” Tony asked, heading over to the large projector that had been set up on the lawn ready for the movie night that had been planned to end the evening. Vision tilted his head in surprise but followed anyway.

“What do you need me for?” Vision asked joining Tony at the projector.

“Oh no reason, actually.”

Vision frowned as Tony made a few quick touches on his tablet and the night’s selected movie appeared on the screen. Nat had chosen a comedy flic Vision didn’t recognise.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” Tony said nonchalantly and handed Vision the end of a beanbag to drag over to the couches which were slowly becoming occupied as the rest of the team milled over. “You seem quiet tonight.”

“There is nothing wrong with being quiet.”

“No, there’s not,” Tony agreed, “but there is something wrong with feeling like you have to be quiet to satisfy others.”

Vision averted his gaze from Tony’s piercing eyes. He was uncomfortably perceptive when he wanted to be.

“I assure you, that’s not what is happening.”

There was silence but Vision refused to meet Tony’s intent look, afraid of what he might see reflected there. Tony gave a mighty sigh and then Vision was left alone once more.  

Vision had perched himself on the end of the couch next to Clint, who had tried to insist on returning to his room on the grounds that he hated comedy films, but Nat had made him stay.

Beside Clint was Steve, still going strong on his drinking bet, with Thor beside him. The rest of his teammates were assembled on the other couch or occupying chairs and beanbags before the projector upon which the movie was just beginning.  

Lounging on a blue beanbag in front of the couch sat Wanda. Her legs curled up underneath her and with her already short stature she was practically absorbed by the enormous beanbag.

“Hey, Wanda,” Steve called over the sound of the movie, “chuck me some popcorn, will you?”

Wanda did indeed chuck some popcorn, throwing three pieces over her shoulder, one of them landing in Steve’s cup.

“No what I meant,” Steve said, and Wanda laughed. The sound made Vision smile, as it so often did.

Wanda turned around in her chair and met Vision’s gaze, the popcorn bowl extended to him before she caught herself and turned to Clint instead. Vision’s smile fell.

“Would you like some, Clint?” She asked sweetly and Steve grumbled something under his breath.

“Shut up old man,” Clint joked and took the bowl she offered.

Wanda’s attention was back on the screen as Clint held the popcorn out to Vision absentmindedly.

“Oops sorry,” he said pulling away, “I forgot.”

“It’s ok,” Vision sighed. As Clint turned away, he made his decision. “Actually, you know I will have some.”

“Uh okay,” Clint said hesitantly, and Vision plucked a single piece of popped corn from the overflowing bowl before it was handed down to the rest of the couch.

Eating was a strange experience and even as he chewed his body sounded off warnings and Vision knew then and there that he had made a mistake. But he so desperately wanted to fit in that he ignored it all, swallowing finally and shuddering slightly at the unwelcome feeling of the food going down his throat.

Within half an hour Vision was feeling as light and airy as the popcorn had been. His movements a little sluggish, his eyes seeming to slow down as he watched the movie. Distracted, he found it harder to not think about Wanda. The popcorn had somehow made it more difficult to fend off the challenging thoughts he was often so good at pushing off. Now, however, the little voice in his head telling him she’d never want him, was back. It was followed up by a second voice that made him feel stupid for even feeling this way for her in the first place.

In an effort to escape the cycle his brain had worked itself up into Vision decided to take a walk. This was challenging apparently, as he managed to bump into several chairs and the table before he made his way away from the noise of the screen. The movie was too loud, and he needed to get some more air.

“More air,” Vision giggled to himself, despite the fact he had never giggled in his life, “I am surrounded by air why could I possibly need more of it?”

“Vision?” Tony called, evidently having seen the way the synthezoid had stumbled away from the screen and followed him.

“Yessir,” Vision said standing to attention and then dissolving into laughter.

Tony stopped in his tracks with his mouth open in disbelief.

“’Scuse the language, but what the fuck?”

“You are excused,” Vision bowed but that made him feel dizzy and so he staggered over to the wall of the compound so he could lean against something solid.

“Yep you’re not okay,” Tony said coming closer and peering into Vision’s eyes. “Look at me, buddy.” He reached out and tried to hold one of Vision’s eyes open.

“What’re you doin?” Vision said, now aware that he had started slurring for some reason.

“Are you drunk?” Tony asked indignantly at this and pulled his hands away from Vision’s face  

“Don’t be absurd,” Vision said waving a hand, “I can’t drink.”

Tony looked sceptical.

“I can’t,” Vision insisted. “I can’t drink, I can’t eat, I can’t do anything!”

Tony looked more concerned at this, taking the synthezoid by the shoulders and leading him further away from the group at their back, all still very much preoccupied by the movie. Save for Wanda who had noticed Vision’s absence, as keenly aware of him as he was of her, and had followed at a concerned distance.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you,” Tony said patting Vision’s shoulder, “but you need to fix it.”

“Oh yes I can fix it,” Vision rambled, “I can do anything and everything, I am a superhuman except I’m not human am I?”

Tony sighed sadly. “Is that what this is about? You know no one here cares what you are, Vision. Half of us aren’t full humans anyway.”

“Yes, but most of you are at least a little bit human,” Vision said raising a hand to correct him. He then pointed at himself. “I am not human enough to be human, but not artificial enough to be treated like a robot. I am something else, not quite enough of either.”

Tony didn’t know what to say to this and so Vision took a few steps away, turning his head skyward and sadly admiring the twilight sky above them. The sun had set enough now that the evening had turned chilly, not the Vision minded it, not that he even felt the cold.

As the synthezoid stood gazing at the sky and the stars slowly coming to life, his brain supplied him with a piece of media to help process the strange feelings running through his mind. The movie Pinocchio.

“I wish I may, I wish I might.” Vision’s voice was barely audible as he quoted the story, certainly too quiet for Tony to hear. “Have this wish, I wish tonight.”

“I wish that I were more.”

Tony heard this last part. “Is that all this is about?” His voice was hesitant and both of them appeared apprehensive of the answer.

But Vision didn’t want to hide the truth, not anymore. “I wish that I could be more,” Vision said, “for her.”

Vision’s hand came to his mouth as the words left it, as though he could somehow capture the truth and hold it close once more. He didn’t need to specify that Wanda was the subject of his aching heart as he turned back to see Tony’s knowing gaze.

His gaze was a little hazy now, a little frayed at the edges as he tried to look at Tony properly. Instead, he found his eyes locking on the shadowed figure over his shoulder, Wanda.

“If you don’t mind,” Vision said, slurring his words again, “I will be seeing myself to bed now.”

He started forward, away from the concerned pair who both reached for him at the same time. Vision waved off their worry, “I am perfectly fine I assure you.”

He reached the back door of the compound and went to phase through the steel, startling himself when his forehead collided with cold metal. Vision tried again and shook his head painfully as it thudded against the door once more. He hesitated the third time, instead extending his hand and trying to phase. He managed to get his hand through but then lost control of his power and his fist became trapped. He sighed grumpily, yanking the door off its hinges and cracking it in half in order to free his hand. The discarded pieces of steel thudded to the ground at his back.

Vision stomped up the stairs, doing his best to hold onto the balustrade when the ground started to sway beneath his feet. He could hear the footsteps of someone hurrying after him.

“I assure you, Mr Stark,” Vision said shaking his head, “I am perfectly fine, I just need some rest.

“You’re not fine.”

Wanda’s voice made Vision stop in his tracks.

“Please don’t lie to me,” she said sounding slightly miffed. Vision hung his head shamefully as she took his arm, not even able to relish in the physical contact as she guided him down to his room at the end of the corridor.

Wordlessly, he let her sit him down upon the bed.

Perching next to him, she raised her hands. “May I?”

Vision nodded and Wanda’s hands glowed a soft red in the darkness of his room.

“Well that definitely shouldn’t be there,” she muttered, and Vision felt a repulsive feeling as what was left of the popcorn started to resurface.

“I’ll just be one tickety-boo—” He managed before running from the room. He thought he heard Wanda laugh as he left.

After getting rid of the single piece of popcorn that had managed to cause such damage in one evening Vision felt infinitely better. Or at least, much more himself. A little more in control, a little calmer and thankful that the room had stopped spinning for the time being. He swished water in his mouth and spat it into the bathroom sink – an activity he had only ever seen done on the television, never having reason to do so himself.

He was dismayed to find that Wanda was still in his room when he returned. Vision looked away from her even as she extended a hand that he reluctantly took.

She guided him to the bed and pulled the covers back, waiting for him to get in. He didn’t really feel like explaining that the bed was mostly an illusion and that he didn’t need it to sleep, that his sleep wasn’t the same kind of sleep she needed. Just a cheap rip off that his artificial brain demanded.

Sat against the headboard with the covers pulled up around his waist and Wanda sat on the edge of the bed next to him, Vision still refused to look at her. “Forgive me for my unseemly behaviour tonight,” he managed, hoping that she would take this as invitation to leave him to his humiliation.

“Now that I know there was nothing seriously wrong, it was actually kind of endearing.” Wanda shrugged. Vision felt a little better at this.

“Why did you try to eat popcorn?” She asked dipping her head so she could meet his downturned gaze. “I know you don’t eat.”

They sat in silence as he stoically refused to answer. He was quite sure that Wanda had heard at least part of his blabbering down on the lawn. There was no need to reiterate the deep dark secret he’d managed to keep hidden for the last year.

“You know I’d never ask you to change right, Vis?” Wanda said quietly.

“If I could be human though,” Vision murmured not sure where the sentence was going.

“It doesn’t matter, because you can’t.”

His brows drew together in consideration. But he knew she was right, no amount of wishing on stars would change that.

“And I wouldn’t want you to either,” she said quietly.

Vision met her eyes at this, and she smiled warmly.

“You’re perfect just as you are.” Wanda hesitated a moment but then leant forward quickly and gave him a hug. It only lasted a moment, but Vision felt as though every nerve lit up along his skin at the points she touched. Her hand lingered a little longer on his shoulder and he almost reached out to hold it there, to confess something much more serious than that which he had already admitted to. But there was no amount of malfunctioning he’d be able to blame that revelation on. Instead, Wanda took his hesitation as her cue to leave and rose before he could say anything more.

“Well, I’ll let you rest.”

Vision managed a small smile. “Thank you, Wanda.”

“Don’t feel like you have to change for any of us,” she reminded him as she hesitated at the door. “You’d never need to change for me, Vis, I like you just as you are.”

He dipped his head once more, worried that the intensity of his affection would come across in his gaze. He remained that way until the last slither of light from the corridor disappeared and the door was shut softly at her back.

Vision sat up in bed for hours, turning over the events of the evening in his mind again and again. And every time he came back to her words, holding them close to his heart in reassurance. He didn’t need the stars or fairy tales to be there for her. He didn’t need to act like something else, to become someone else for her. And he was gradually realising that she’d never asked him to anyway, that anxiety was a product of his own overthinking. As he realised all of this, her words repeated again and again in his ears, a comforting mantra as the night passed on.