#drunk journaling

it’s totally normal to never be sober you don’t have to think about your life. that’s what it means to be an artist? right? to be constantly in pain? maybe i’m just too used to pain so i don’t feel it anymore. it’s totally normal to drink 200ml of tequila and sit around at the park and not think about anything. i’m definitely not an alcoholic. ha ha ha. i’m totally in control of my life and habits. i say to myself. god i wish someone would come along and realize what a mess i am - but if someone did, i’d have to give up control, and i can’t do that. i can’t be sober, but i can’t let anyone help me. i can’t let anyone in. i’d like to really hurt myself. i wish i could move on to another world where i am revered. i want to have power and i don’t want to be honest anymore. i just want people to be mystified and impressed. what is the point of me? unless i am beautiful? i could have a grand romance - if i tried - but i am so alien to these plebeians - i am too good for them - do not ever mistake that - i am too good for them - they can only wish to be close enough to me to really experience what it’s like to be with me. i am a gift to those who wish to truly experience me - the pathetic, desperate creatures. no one wants anything to do with me. one day, could you be the savior? oh, how i wish i could be like them. god, everything feels like an artifice. i want to hurt. i want someone else to hurt me. i want to be free of my flesh. i want to be free of all these pretensions. oh god. i don’t even know how long i’ve been here but it doesn’t matter. i will know what i meant later -

“And when you ask me to be your girlfriend again I will say no. I’ll say no because I want you to fight for me. I slipped so seamlessly into love with you and, even after being so cautious, dreamt of our future that you were so eager to promise and so quick to rip away. I don’t want to be your ‘sometimes’ I don’t want to be your ‘when I feel like it’. That’s not how it works. I’m either going to be your ‘forever’ or your ‘not at all’.”

I need to lie down.