#drugusage

Finally decided to make a new Tumblr to document my life of using Fent, my mental health episodes, life stories, and just shut I wouldn't tell people in real life.

Would love to make like minded friend!! FaceTime or text and nod with each other and just vibe 😶‍🌫️

Recently, I got into a relationship only to find my way out the door again to the wonderful world of "singledom." It doesn't bother me as much as it may have in the past. I realize finding someone who complements me isn't necessarily going to be an easy thing-- especially because I'm quite different from most people. That's okay though; I'm not in any particular rush. I will find someone when I do and hopefully the relationship will not be a few weeks or several months.

However, before I get to that point, there was something I wanted to share in my experience as I explored this relationship. Boundaries are something I believe I have lost sight of as of late probably due to the fact I was becoming a bit desperate and lonely; at that point, I even lowered some walls that I normally would never have. One of the walls I considered rolling down were my boundaries pertaining to drug users. In the past, I had a knee-jerk reaction to "druggies" stopping short of telling them all "Hells no!" In a more recent experience, I did date someone very briefly who did drugs, undertook a great deal of personal research to understand the physiological impacts of substances as well as any other significant implications. While combing through the facts, I did learn that the two drugs my ex-partner had taken (i.e. acid, shrooms) were, in fact, drugs that did not have any long term impacts, something about their usage did not seat well with me. In an effort to quell the dissidence, I did even more research but no matter how much evidential and empirical research I saturated myself with, the feelings of disdain did not subside. A part of me was convinced, "drugs are simply no good" and that was that. I made 'some' space for people who did pot to accommodate them but that still never made me "420 friendly", just not 420 unfriendly. 

I realized, at that point, there are some things that I just will never be comfortable with and will always have a negative bias against. If that makes me prejudice or inflexible, so be it. I need not date the entire world, only those who I feel an affinity to. He was someone whom I did feel some affinity for; however, things broke down at the point that we discussed 'boundaries'. I do not date anyone who smokes (cigarettes) and I definitely don't date persons who do drugs. Both are unhealthy which shows me substantive neglect for one's own health and possible ramifications that I have no interest in dealing with. 

I also did not particularly care for him to eschew, at every opportunity or turn, to vocalize his feelings and provide feedback simply for the sake of averting responsibility/conflict/competition. It became rather annoying after a while.

"What do you want to do?"

"I'll do whatever you want to do."

"What do you want to eat?"

"I'll eat whatever you want to eat."

"Do you want to bottom or top?"

"I'm fine with whatever you want."

"Do you want to date or be friends?"

"I'm shucking that responsibility back to you."

I'm not interested in dating a homunculus/puppet/shadow (e.g or someone who lacks initiative and mimics my movement). I find it quickly becomes annoying and immature. It's funny because I was thinking, if but naively, that this sort of 'openness' and 'space' could form a healthy relationship. Far from the truth. I need someone with a spine and back bone as much as I want someone with flexibility. I've been now on both extremes and I hate it. I hate not being able to make a decision as much as making every single one.