This dvd set wandered into my life at a time when our household happened to be grieving a loss. I do not feel inclined to share much about this loss, as it is not my story, but my story is in providing support to someone who lost someone. I haven’t lost anyone very close to me, which is fortunate, and I wondered how I could be sure I was supportive, and not simply absorbing those feelings of devastation. (This is something I tend to do - absorb others’ feelings, unsure where mine end and theirs begin, and then frozen or totally numb.) I felt myself detaching from myself. I called the “employee assistance program” offered by my workplace - unlimited over the phone counseling 24/7. I talked to someone on my day off, allowing them to tell me about the stages of grief, healthier ways to be there for people without detaching or absorbing emotions. 

While my roommate was gone for the funeral, I spent the weekend eating half a carton of ice cream. (I stopped halfway, realizing that I was not even getting pleasure from the ice cream, just waiting to feel something.) I started watching this show. I tend to be on a second screen while I watch television, but this one had my full attention. I was sucked in by how dark this show was -- how real the gravity of grief was portrayed. I saw myself in the character of Mr. Pickles - always trying to help others process, trying to objectively talk about feelings without letting himself feel his own feelings until an eruption.

I feel this way a lot. It’s not that I don’t know pain or anger or sadness. It’s that I want to get to the next phase...the place where I can talk about it objectively without having to feel those things. Without letting those feelings take control. It doesn’t work that way, though. My therapist describes feelings like beach balls. You can hold them underwater, out of sight, but they’re going to bounce back up...you just don’t know exactly where. You might hold them down in one space and expect them to pop up there, but they may pop up a few feet away, or further. 

I won’t give away details of the show, but it’s clear Mr. Pickles has helped a lot of people, that his mild-mannered tone and way around talking feelings, have helped people to make their BIG EMOTIONS manageable. He’s done it for himself, perhaps too well. But emotions, like energy, cannot be totally turned out. We can pinch the energy current and keep it on one side or the other, but the pressure builds up....until there is space for release, or until the energy creates space for release. 

I binge-watched this show while I isolated myself, waiting for my roommate to return home and provide comfort however I could. Feeling like this isn’t my loss to mourn, attempting to stay present without getting too deep to hold space. Allowing myself to face the loss of a human life, the loss of someone important to someone important to me, to ponder the after-life, to ponder forgiveness, to ponder the responsibility we hold to people in our lives and their safety. Heavy questions without resolution. Facing the unknown. 

A couple of months have passed now. I remember bits and pieces of this show, not full details. The parts that stick out most to me are full of emotion, energy that cannot be bridled, from various characters in the show. We still talk about the loss, though not daily. I’ve been learning how to better be present with my feelings, and how to acknowledge when I’m slipping away. I am learning to be aware of, and to state, my boundaries. Being too tired to be present is valid. Being present and not knowing what to say is still present. Being present and acknowledging when you need help with breaking old patterns is still present. 

I’m not sure if this television would be helpful for folks experiencing loss, but it was helpful for me. Sometimes seeing characters going through the same, and the way they respond, can be helpful for identifying your own patterns, and maybe try to change some unhelpful ones, so that you can be there for yourself and your loved ones. I’ll probably watch season 1 again, and look forward to season 2. I know there was some laughter, but mostly it was just really real, in a super surreal, dreamy Michel Gondry way. Just fantasy enough to make it bearable.