- D- Futura bibliotecaria. -Ā Aqui guardo cositas chingonas que estoy explorando en la biblioteca, y en mi persona. ~~ I'm a future librarian. - This is my journal of what I'm exploring in the library and in myself. ~ Soy queer/latinx/llorona/y a la izquierda.
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oday in library school.....
writing about a project at Arizona State University where staff members provided bilingual archival finding aids* about a collection in English and Spanish. (*Finding aids are tools created by archivists which detail what a collection holds, and where in the archives it is located. This helps researchers locate specific materials, kinda like a library catalog.) The project was called "Labor Rights are Civil Rights/Derechos de Trabajo son Derechos Civiles" and included records from a variety of different organizations (including labor unions + mutual aid organizations) involving mostly Mexicans and Mexican Americans, documenting "how labor, race, and civil rights have shaped the experiences of Mexican[s] and Mexican Americans in the Southwest."
This got me thinking....does the National Museum of Mexican Art have archival internships? Turns out they do. And they just closed applications for one on Sept 30, which would be archiving photographs of Ann Murdy (who I can only assume is a white woman? since all I can find on her is that she 'loves to photograph other cultures' and a lot of her stuff is of Mexican cultural traditions. could say a lot more about what it means to view your own culture through the lens of a white person - i won't). Internship is intended for lower-income and POC folks to create more of them in arts administration/archiving (cool). In my mind, I mourn the loss of this internship because, as you may know, I live in a dream world (pisces moon) where the only barrier to this Chicago-based internship is the fact the application window has already closed.
Anyway, it's so awesome to read about people doing this work, and that archiving / creating access to Mexican and Chicanx history (esp labor history) is happening!!! To read an internship description that includes "Ideal candidates will have written ability in Spanish, deep interest in indigenous cultures of Mexico" is like...a dream? Every once in a while, that sense of library science -related euphoria comes thru and I'm like WOOOOOW AMAZING THINGS ARE HAPPENING! I GET TO BE PART OF IT! I WANT IT! I GOT IT!
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I wish this book existed when I was in high school. so many familiar feelings of not measuring to the expectations of your immigrant, Mexican parents. Feeling like you are in between two worlds -- between the ones your non-Mexican friends live in (or friends withĀ ācoolerā parents) and the world your parents come from, hundreds of miles away. Between religious traditions that mean being ungrateful is a sin, and mental illness which makes feeling anything feel far away. Always being measured against someone else who is willing to live within the traditional roles and expectations setĀ by family -- or at least keep everything else a secret. The struggle between living your real life in secret to keep the peace, or out loud and facing the chaos that comes.
And, of course, this book is based in Chicago. Listened to it on CD.
A year ago, when i visited campus (University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign) for welcome weekend. Behind me is the Morrow Plot, the first experimental corn field. To preserve this historic plot, and its access to sunlight, the undergraduate library was built underground.
My name is Diana. My pronouns are she/her/hers or they/them/theirs.
I recently was named an ALA Spectrum Scholar for 2019-2020. I am the child of Mexican immigrants, first in my family to graduate from college, and the first to attend grad school.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
almost every one of my online classes starts with an "introductions" thread. i never thought to include my lineage until now. but it feels very relevant, as it informs every single thing i do in some way. i am the first person in my nuclear family to attend college, and the first to attend grad school. i'm navigating waters my parents lend their full support to, and don't know much about. i could talk at length about the layers to being the child of immigrants, and the gap between us as we are formed in different worlds. the gap we close when we speak our language. the gap we struggle to close, without alienating each other. the gap i carry guilt about. the gap that motivates me to keep going because it's not just for me. i'm standing on the shoulders of giants and i never, not for one second, forget that. i wouldn't be where i am today if it weren't for my parents, my extended family, and a community of people who were courageous enough to keep going. who am i to stop?
I think season 1 of Kidding came through the book drop. I picked it up, wondering how old it was, since I had not heard of Jim Carrey in a tv show before. Michel Gondry is involved, too. I recognized his name because he directedĀ Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless MindĀ and The Science of SleepĀ - two movies with his distinct aesthetic, surreal use of puppetry, miniatures, and dreamscapes and touches on distinctly human sense of loss, loneliness, and struggle for connection. I decided to check it out.
In this particular work, Jim Carrey is a character reminiscent of Mr. Rogers - a host of a kids show about feelings/imagination who uses puppets and a land of make believe to connect with children and seems relentlessly positive. In his private life, Mr. Pickes (Carrey) experienced the loss of a child to a car accident, and the series focuses on his private and public life as he grieves.Ā
[vague connections / maybe spoiler ?]
This dvd set wandered into my life at a time when our household happened to be grieving a loss. I do not feel inclined to share much about this loss, as it is not my story, but my story is in providing support to someone who lost someone. I havenāt lost anyone very close to me, which is fortunate, and I wondered how I could be sure I was supportive, and not simply absorbing those feelings of devastation. (This is something I tend to do - absorb othersā feelings, unsure where mine end and theirs begin, and then frozen or totally numb.) I felt myself detaching from myself. I called theĀ āemployee assistance programā offered by my workplace - unlimited over the phone counseling 24/7. I talked to someone on my day off, allowing them to tell me about the stages of grief, healthier ways to be there for people without detaching or absorbing emotions.Ā
While my roommate was gone for the funeral, I spent the weekend eating half a carton of ice cream. (I stopped halfway, realizing that I was not even getting pleasure from the ice cream, just waiting to feel something.) I started watching this show. I tend to be on a second screen while I watch television, but this one had my full attention. I was sucked in by how dark this show was -- how real the gravity of grief was portrayed. I saw myself in the character of Mr. Pickles - always trying to help others process, trying to objectively talk about feelings without letting himself feel his own feelings until an eruption.
I feel this way a lot. Itās not that I donāt know pain or anger or sadness. Itās that I want to get to the next phase...the place where I can talk about it objectively without having to feel those things. Without letting those feelings take control. It doesnāt work that way, though. My therapist describes feelings like beach balls. You can hold them underwater, out of sight, but theyāre going to bounce back up...you just donāt know exactly where. You might hold them down in one space and expect them to pop up there, but they may pop up a few feet away, or further.Ā
I wonāt give away details of the show, but itās clear Mr. Pickles has helped a lot of people, that his mild-mannered tone and way around talking feelings, have helped people to make their BIG EMOTIONS manageable. Heās done it for himself, perhaps too well. But emotions, like energy, cannot be totally turned out. We can pinch the energy current and keep it on one side or the other, but the pressure builds up....until there is space for release, or until the energy creates space for release.Ā
I binge-watched this show while I isolated myself, waiting for my roommate to return home and provide comfort however I could. Feeling like this isnāt my loss to mourn, attempting to stay present without getting too deep to hold space. Allowing myself to face the loss of a human life, the loss of someone important to someone important to me, to ponder the after-life, to ponder forgiveness, to ponder the responsibility we hold to people in our lives and their safety. Heavy questions without resolution. Facing the unknown.Ā
A couple of months have passed now. I remember bits and pieces of this show, not full details. The parts that stick out most to me are full of emotion, energy that cannot be bridled, from various characters in the show. We still talk about the loss, though not daily. Iāve been learning how to better be present with my feelings, and how to acknowledge when Iām slipping away. I am learning to be aware of, and to state, my boundaries. Being too tired to be present is valid. Being present and not knowing what to say is still present. Being present and acknowledging when you need help with breaking old patterns is still present.Ā
Iām not sure if this television would be helpful for folks experiencing loss, but it was helpful for me. Sometimes seeing characters going through the same, and the way they respond, can be helpful for identifying your own patterns, and maybe try to change some unhelpful ones, so that you can be there for yourself and your loved ones. Iāll probably watch season 1 again, and look forward to season 2. I know there was some laughter, but mostly it was just really real, in a super surreal, dreamy Michel Gondry way. Just fantasy enough to make it bearable.
Holstein, Dave, creator.Ā Kidding: Season 1. Paramount Home Entertainment, 2019.
link:Ā https://seattle.bibliocommons.com/item/show/3426757030
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reminds me of The Polish Ambassador.Ā
šµ Ā esta la cumbia de joaquin el panadero / el hace el pan mas sabroso del pueblo / cochinitos, orejas, y cuernos / baile la cumbia con los bigotes/ trenzas, corbatas, cuernos, orejos, cochinitos, conchasĀ šµĀ (couldnāt find lyrics, but hereās what i transcribed...basically just describing pan dulce made by this panadero aka breadmaker)
From The Rough Guide to Psychadelic Cumbia
link:Ā https://seattle.bibliocommons.com/item/show/3138111030
I finally made it to the top of the holds list for this book. Iāve divorced myself from the idea I need to read stuff front-to-back. Iām picking stuff and going in the order I please. That said, Iām about 2 chapters in and this book is hitting me very hard. I have been doing some work around trauma and also avoiding work around trauma (which is a coping mechanism for trauma that ultimately is p terrible when sustained but also is my life).
I have been able to verbalize the fact I have trauma and am working on this trauma for about a year now. But that hasnāt shook the shame and guilt around it. Just now, I feel like this book held a mirror to my face and said āTHIS IS WHY YOU FEEL THE WAY YOU FEEL - LIKE YOU DONāT FEEL ANYTHING. THIS IS WHY SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE A CHARADE TO DO OR SAY ANYTHING ā YOU HAVE DISCONNECTED YOURSELF FROM YOUR EMOTIONS OR SHOWING UP FOR YOURSELF BECAUSE IT WAS SAFE TO DO SO AT ONE POINT. TURNING OFF YOUR EMOTIONS WAS WHAT WORKED TO AVOID BAD FEELINGS. THIS IS WHY ANGER AND ANGST AND DESPAIR AND HELPLESSNESS ARE THE FEELINGS THAT U FEEL MOST STRONGLY ā BECAUSE THEYāRE THE ONES YOU CAN REMEMBER, THAT YOUR BODY HAS āENGRAVEDāā (engraved was the term used in the book)
Blah blah blah healing isnāt linear. I know Iāve made some progress and that being back in this feeling of not feeling anything/only feeling 'angerā or 'angstā doesnāt mean that moments where I have connected with a deeper part of me havenāt been realā¦in fact, it means that it is really there! Itās there! Iām in there! Itās still really frustrating not to be able to connect with that part of myself all the time ā especially when I have things I should feel happy about and I just wanna have a tantrum about it because WHY DO I HAVE TO JUST FEEL ANGRY AND SAD. THATāS NOT WHAT I WANT. I just wanna feel things for real and trust myself to show up for myself and not bend myself to act how I think Iām āsupposedā to act, that I can āfake it til [I] make itā with emotionsā¦.Iāve gotten better about that, for sure, this book is just raising some memories that I have been revisiting lately that make me mad because I didnāt show up for myself. But now I am realizingā¦.yoā¦.maybe be kinder to your past youā¦you didnāt know what you were dealing with, and your brain engraved this way of processing things, and the best thing you can do right now is, like, extend kindness to ur past self. Even if you know you donāt know all the answers now, you at least have a better understanding of what you donāt know. Ā does that make sense? no? welcomeā¦this is trauma work in my brain.
A., Van der Kolk Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books, 2014.
link: https://seattle.bibliocommons.com/item/show/3037343030
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ya tiene tiempo que no leo este libro. nunca lo he leido en espaƱol. lo estoy intentando y aprendiendo unas nuevas palabras, teniendo que usar diccionario digital cada pagina o dos. jaja, mi vocabulario necesita practica y desarollo.
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