#dropthediary

After moving to South Korea — changing work, home, language, lifestyle, friends, dreams, I realized I need just one thing. "Little anchors". Something to keep me steady in the endlessly whirling world, Something to ground me in the middle of a chaos I put myself in. Something like… A welcoming smile of an ahjumma running kimbap store next street; Sun, sinking into the city's panorama, from the view on a small mountain; Quiet nights on streets with endless glowing signs; That one quick snack in a convenience store that just hits right… I tell about all these little anchors to my friends, living on the other side of the Earth, to my family on weekend calls, making 20 hour flights seem insignificant. Even when I'm so SO SO SO SO exhausted… the ride on a last bus feels romantic too. October, 2025.

Life is the reason our star is not dying.

Humans being humans (living creatures being living creatures) is the reason our hopeless world feels worth existing in <3

It's a silly space story with very simple and obvious storytelling, comedy all around, and yet I cried my eyes out when Grace made his Decision.

Because sometimes where you're from is not your home. Sometimes existing in your "home" is hurtful for you, because people or forces greater than you think they know what's good for you (or make you sacrifice everything for their own good, for their own ideals). Sometimes your home is far away in space, with your found family, so alone on your own but maybe you get to be loved in a new, different way. Sometimes it's a one-way ticket and maybe it's alright.

As someone who had to leave their own country two years ago, accepted that it's a one-way journey and is now trying to find a new home, meaning in life and community, I have to admit it hit hard and unexpectedly so.

It's so lonely and yet, maybe it doesn't have to be. As long as we keep being brave.

So I have bought noise-cancelling earphones (I'm going crazy from sound sensitivity), air fryer/grill/mini oven (I have no space on my tiny kitchen for it at all BUT I MIGHT BE ABLE TO EAT FOOD AND BAKERY I ENJOY), arduino kit with lcd display (I know arduino is laughable but I have an itch to slide back to my microcontrollers/robotics hobby which I left for years)

This is as an addition to a kinetic sand box I have (IT IS INCREDIBLE to touch and to look at?? am I a toddler), chinese super air clay (it is also so fun to work with?? And not annoying or messy, I need to figure out how to not leave my fingerprints but I might be able to do some keyrings and figurines soon lol) and many sci-fi books and comic zines in English and Korean that I bought on the recent Seoul International Book Festival

I dream of having a separate workshop but unfortunately I have to be content with my tiny one-room studio until I earn bigger deposit and nerves of steel to move somewhere else :')

Talked to my Korean guy colleague today and he said everyone in our company likes me and they think I'm hardworking.

Our company is small, everyone else is much older than me and speak only Korean (except for this guy who knows some English so we like to have a chat sometimes). I always feel stressed out due to communication issues (I'm not fluent in Korean yet), feel like I'm an imposter who is failing at my job (because I have no idea about this industry and I'm basically learning everything from zero) and I also have to manage my neurodivergency in unusual setting...

But you mean, CEO likes me?? Korean old conservative men think I'm good? (and that's not derogatory lmao) Young guys talk sincerely to me too and even praise my skills? My personality, language, foreign being and neurodivergency is not an issue??

I didn't get such treatment even in my own country 🥺 (my IT/animation/robotics teammates were always my besties but it was really hard to navigate colleagues and especially CEOs) Is this real....

Me: Lol yeah, I thought I shared some autistic traits but you know, I have ADHD and some symptoms can be similar or overlap, so I did not really pay any attention.

Friend: Cool! I got 91 points on that test. You?

Me: Uuh... 141?0_0 (average for autistic people = 134)

Friend: Whaaat? Well let's check together, I'll help you analyse. What's your result now?

Me: You won't believe it. 151 :D

Friend: I thought IT WOULD GET LOWER WITH MY ASSESSMENT

Me: I thought only my mom had autistic traits, we kinda share the sensory thing, but - oh - well - well it would make sense if I analyze deeper, I just didn't think I had enough traits to qualify for a RAS label

Friend: 😅

Native Koreans wouldn't understand my excitement or how difficult the process is, so I'm yelling here. I still have to update this visa every year but if I work hard enough I can get a better visa (that is not tied to a specific job and company) later. And I competed with actual Koreans for this spot in engineering company, they never had a foreigner before 👽 Yet previous intern was let go after a year but they offered me a permanent position in just 1 month because they liked my working attitude and skills. I can be proud of myself, right?

Also, since I didn't graduate in Korea but in my own country, that took many more preparations and failed attempts and risks. I left my old life, my family and friends, came here alone betting on the only chance, and now I get to start a completely new life. Difficult, but exciting nevertheless🥺

I have already started another program for foreigners integrating in Korean society, and it requires studying for 5 hours on Sunday and doing local social programs/volunteering/donating blood in other days... so idk when I'll have free time but I'm so relieved now, getting this visa took away some anxiety and burden rock off my chest. I can't wait to get back into watching new BLs and enjoy some rest writing fics or drawing (once I find free time)x))

Anyway. I finally feel like one of those heroes in the journey books I always read when I was a kid.

It was never my fault.

My parents were young, and life was hard. They got divorced. Merciless years have passed. Both of them feel happier on their own paths. But still, when I look at my mom, who struggled to keep her kids alive and didn't have time to play with them... when I look at my dad, who is now playing with some step-grandkid in his other family... ...and I find a giant hole in my m indwhere family memories are supposed to be, I keep asking why couldn't I have the same? Why my dad could find love and all the time in the world for some little guy and not me? And I found the most painful answer: "It was never my fault."

November, 2025