#drival

The "eh" hike was actually the best part of the experience. The park is a pretty heavily wooded area and the dirt road to get there is one lane, so if someone comes from the other direction one of yall need to get over to let the other pass. Of course I'm driving back to the house after the hike cuz homie's dead which I don't mind too much even though his stamping and flinching causes me a pretty significant amount of stress. Like I get it but his experience of PTSD is actually real goddamn hard to deal with, being next to someone who's acting like we're gonna get into a crash every other minute is beyond distracting it's dangerous. Like fr go to fucking therapy or find some fucking cope. Like the whole time we're hiking I'm constantly modulating my behavior and gait to make sure he's not left behind, being encouraging and telling him he's better than before when he prob isn't considering he weighed less and worked out more a few years back. It's what you do for your partner to make them feel comfortable despite your discomfort. Idk maybe I'm just cynical and unhappy but I woke up earlier and realized this is, in fact, my life. I think I was depersonalized from the drive back cuz I really couldn't afford to be present.

So we're leaving and he initially starts bugging cuz I back up down a slight decline off the dirt road to do a 3 point turn. He thinks I backed up too far, which I didn't we were fucking fine cuz I drive better and more than him both on and off the road, and I let him know I have experience driving on this kind of terrain especially when I'm in the field. He decides that's a satisfactory answer and that I did a good job because I objectively did.

As we get closer to the entrance a car starts to come across this lil bridge from the other direction so I start to pull over so they can go around since I have room to the side to get over and they didn't. As I do that a branch or something scrapes the underside of the car and dig looks over at me with so much anger and frustration you wouldn't've though I totaled the shit ((Did I mention he spent $16,000 on a car that needed a new transmission within a year??) Yeah, I'm not too confident in his knowledge or understanding of cars) So he's upset acting like we're careening off the side of the cliff. I let the people go around, back up a lil (he of course let's me know that it wasn't far enough, (it was, it was literally just a branch scratching the undercarriage, I didn't drive up onto a rock or something. I actually can see and do watch where I'm driving despite what he thinks). I apologize because I genuinely don't want him to feel like he's in fucking danger, especially when he's not. I say I'm sorry if I freaked him out, I wasn't trying to drive crazy (and I really don't think I did). He responds that he wasn't freaked out in a voice where he's barely modulating his stress... (sure bro) So I say I'm sorry for causing him any concern or worry but I was pretty sure that we just scraped a branch and that we'd be okay (and lo and be-𝓯𝓾𝓬𝓴𝓲𝓷𝓰-hold, wouldya look at that).

I found a lot of comfort in the floor. I'd sleep there, I'd dream there... before it fell out from beneath me, I saw it as one of the few truly comforting and unbiased fixtures in my life.

So there I lie facing the right most post of the bed frame looking out into the hallway. I recall this being a time when I first realized I was annoying. Being a child it was unavoidable but still remains a dismaying discovery. I had been speaking to my mother for the past I don't know how long, all time becomes elastic with time and as a child it seems to extend into perpetuity. I can't recall what all I spoke to her about or any of her responses but I remember saying "I think I can't think". Looking back on it I'm certain she probably pointed out that that even in saying that I was forming a thought thus rendering my observation patently untrue.

I find it profound.

I was, even then, so attuned to my experience that I was able to communicate that I couldn't concentrate. And though I was met with dismissal the fact that I had the insight to understand and articulate that at such a young age is astounding.

I find myself today similarly confounded as I was so many years ago. Struggling to concentrate on my inability to concentrate. Because despite being broken my mind has always known there is something wrong.

There are so many things that could've been helped.

I've always been rather adept at articulating my experience in written speech despite the words not working when they come from my mouth. They've always been difficult that way. But now, I seem to be at a loss for words. Something about what has gripped me has robbed me of my words. And not so much the words because I'm speaking perfectly fine now. But the access I once had to my current state, the ever wavering connection I had to processing and expressing my thoughts has wisped out of existence. I could learn all the words in humanity's collective lexicon and I wouldn't know if any of them even remotely described how I'm feeling because I have no fucking idea what it is I'm feeling.

It's horrible.

I'm wandering blind in the void that is my experience and it doesn't feel dark. Quite the contrary it feels white hot. At least before there was some consolation in the hurting things. The thoughts with teeth. The percievable can be perceived. This. This isn't tangible, knowable, describable. I can't see or hear anything yet everything hurts in ways I can't understand.

Drival Releases New Single "Full Moon"

https://soundcloud.com/joyridemusic/fullmoon

  Drival returns again, with his latest offering on Phoenix Recordings. ‘Full Moon’ follows up from his release on the imprint earlier this year ‘Forever Is Gone’. Receiving wicked reviews, the label and artist have combined again to create another masterpiece.

The Spanish DJ/Producer starts the track with his unique percussion style, creating…