#drinklikeaman

*This is your Satire Alert. Proceed with caution.*

Hold on to your ovaries, ladies. You’re normally supposed to feed those fallopian tubes only the pinkest of tall stemmed glasses, but I see you eye-ing my tall, frosted glass of ice cold beer. I’m going to blow your mind: You can have one of these, and I promise I won’t make it weird for you. Gendering drinks, of course, is a total wad of bull-honkey. The world is slowly realizing this, so that’s why it’s totally okay if you’re scared to come across as one of those armpit-hair growing feminists if you order anything other than that same vodka cranberry you’ve been pretending to sip graciously since your underage college years. You really wanted to kegstand like your chest-bumping counterparts, and now you’re starting to realize you could have kegstood all along. Don’t worry, bartenders will ask incessantly if the beer you order is for your boyfriend, but that’s nothing a good eyeroll and a middle finger can’t fix! (But always remember to tip. That’s what the good guys do.) These beers may sound like they’re meant to be barrel-aged in the ballsack, but I promise you, brewers are rather against adding testosterone into their brews. Dangerous Man’s House IPA

DM’s alluring stemmed 10 oz glasses may beckon for your attention, but I am going to tell you this right now: Order it in a pint, even if some blonde guy in a purple shirt offers it to you. Tell him, “whatever, Purple Shirt” and spit your dip out onto their floor. Then they’ll give it to you in a pint, and if you’re feeling especially manly, ask what kind of hops they use in this batch. It’s different every time, and even Purple Shirt knows what varieties are in it!

NorthGate’s Maggie’s Leap

It’s named after a lady, it’s sessionable enough for any girl’s lack of tolerance for alcohol (It’s only 4.9% ABV, so it’s made especially for our delicate livers) but it looks like a Guinness that the manly Irish men order. Jig away, lady, this is a beer that will make you look like you can drink hefty men under the table and be a crafty beer enthusiast.

Grainbelt Premium

Ask yourself: Did my dad drink this beer while screaming about their respective professional sports-ball teams? If the answer is yes, it’s probably a manly beer, and it’s probably this beer if you live in Minnesota. Remember, your dad is no longer the protector of your precious self, you are, so crack that beer by yourself. I promise you can do it. Whatever the hunky Bartender recommends

You can’t see it through the gell spikes, but there’s a brain under there. Who would know better than a manly man himself? Ask him what beer he drinks. You might get a Corona, a High Life, maybe even something crafty from the brewery down the street. What you won’t get? His number. It’s manly to ask, though.

Fulton’s Lonely Blonde

You might, however, get many numbers if you order a pitcher of this while surfing the Tinder-sphere, you man-slayer you.