#drewseph

you don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

when you're lying in my arms, baby

you and rafe were inseparable growing up, i mean, the boy stuck to your side like glue; wherever you went, he followed.

he was there when your first tooth fell out, there the first time you rode a bike, there for your first heart break and brought you all your favourite snacks the first time you got your period.

there wasn’t a day that went by that you and rafe weren’t talking, even when you’d have a quarrel here and there he’d always make sure to apologise before the evening was over, not daring to go to sleep without having made things right with you.

the two of you couldn’t stand to be away from one another.

you don't ever have to go faster than your fastest pace

or faster than my fastest cars

you weren’t sure when this platonic love for him turned it something more raw and real; suddenly doing your hair up real nice when he’d come around, your cheeks tinting a shade darker when he’d hug you, eyes crinkling at the corners when he’d compliment you.

it felt so stupid to you, the kind of stupid that made you beat your head with a brush when you got too frustrated; spending the entire day with him, only to be giggling by yourself the minute you got home, thinking back on the day with him. why didn’t you just tell him how you felt? the question constantly rung through your mind, nagging at every corner of your brain.

you were never scared to tell him anything, and you never kept anything from him either, so why was this so difficult?!

you’re scared to win, scared to lose

i’ve heard the war was over if you really choose the one in and around you

unfortunately, things had drastically changed since then; you hardly saw rafe now, with partying and girl number 5 of the week the only things on his mind.

you remembered the day you realised you weren’t his top priority anymore; the day you strolled into tannyhill, calling out rafe’s name like you usually did. the house was eerily quiet, the creak of the staircase echoing through the halls as you made your way up to his room.

there you found him sat out on his balcony with topper, kelce and two other girls you hadn’t recognised, empty bottles scattered all over, white powder residue smeared on the table.

your brows furrowed as you watched the scene unfold, rapidly blinking as your eyes focused in on something else; the blonde next to him, using your scrunchie to tie her hair up before going in for another line, the scrunchie rafe had never taken off once since you’d given it to him.

your special goodluck scrunchie as he used to call it.

the pit in your stomach grew, only releasing once you’d snapped out of your trance that rafe had called out your name.

you hate the heat, you got the blues

changing like the weather, oh, that's so like you

the santa ana moves you (two, three, four)

“uh can i talk to you?” you croaked out, suddenly feeling smaller as you stood in the doorway, the lingering stares of his friends and the two girls making you want to crawl in on yourself.

you watched as rafe grit his teeth, sniffing as he ran a hand through his hair before standing up, not before whispering something into the blonde’s ear that made her giggle, your face grimacing in response.

you began walking into his room, rafe followed after you, “what?” he harshly asked, brows furrowing in response to his tone. what the hell was up with him?

“nothin—just, you weren’t answering my texts—and you were supposed to come over remember? thought maybe something happened?” you reminded him, shrugging as you chewed the inside of your cheek to bits and pieces.

“shit right yeah—uh well i’m sort of busy right now, as you can see, so another time then,” he hummed, wiping at his nose before looking over his shoulder.

“okay—did i—did i do something wrong? feels like you’re mad at me?” you awkwardly laughed, nervously fiddling with the necklace around your neck, the necklace he had given you for your sixteenth birthday.

he rolled his eyes at your words, face visibly tensing, but before he could get in you rambled on, something he knew you did when you were nervous or upset.

“look if—if i did something wrong im sorry—just feels like we don’t talk as much as we used to and i get it friends grow apart but just—feels like you’re mad at me and if its cause i did something—“ before you could finish your sentence he cut you off, his laugh bitter as he did so.

“holy shit holy shit—you ever think i just don’t wanna be round you as much? look ive got my own shit going on—and—and you’re just too much sometimes alright?” he spat, running a hand through his hair as he shook his head.

your heart dropped at his words, nausea bubbling in your throat. you just stood there, heart thumping as you replayed his words, the snickering of the two girls from the balcony only making you feel worse.

instead of shouting at him, instead of slapping him, all you uttered was a soft “okay,” quick to turn around and leave, only allowing yourself to cry once you got home, the four walls of your room closing in on you as you replayed the memory over and over again.

he watched as you left, something nagging at him to run after you, that wasn’t him talking, the drugs had his head all fucked up; he’d never talk to you like that, he’d never talk to his girl like that. but he let you go, shaking the mushy feelings free as he rejoined his friends on the balcony.

i mean you should’ve expected it right? friends grew apart all the time, it was a normal part of growing up—but what you didn’t expect was for it to be so soon and for it to hurt this much.

why did it hurt this much?

how could he hurt you this much?

the same boy that let you cry into his shoulder when your first boyfriend broke up with you, the same boy that helped you organise a funeral for your hamster that died when you were six.

how could this be your rafe?

the truth was right in front of you and it was a hard pill to swallow but he wasn’t your rafe anymore.

and in that moment, eyes all puffy as you cried into your pillow you wondered; had he ever been?

it was currently 2am on a saturday morning, the constant buzz from your phone on your night stand rousing you from your sleep.

you squeezed your eyes as you sat up, groggily rubbing at them as you blindly reached for your phone with your unoccupied hand, squinting once your bright screen illuminated your face.

four missed calls from rafe

you scrolled through the notification after notification of missed calls, instinctively about to call him back when his name and contact image flashed across the screen.

without a second thought you answered, pressing your phone to your ear, “rafe?” you softly spoke, bringing your knees to your chest.

the other line was quiet for a moment, safe for the rapid up and down shuffling of rafe’s shoes as he paced barry’s trailer.

he sniffled before speaking up, voice hoarse, “i-i didn’t know who else to call—didn’t wanna call anyone else,” he admitted, swallowing the lump in his throat as he held his phone to his ear, eyes squeezed shut due to the piercing sting in the centre of his forehead, that plus the dull throb from where his father had not too long ago slapped him.

“everything okay?” you hummed out, throwing your covers to the side as you sat up completely, worry etched into your brow.

“got into it with my old man—look i don’t wanna get into it alright? just—fuck—can you come get me—please?” he begged, his voice laced with anger, desperation and most of all hurt.

this was the first time rafe had spoken to you in weeks, and you should’ve been angry, should’ve told him to screw himself, should’ve ended the call and went back to sleep, but that wasn’t who you were; instead you found yourself asking him his location, reassuring him you’d be there as soon as you can.

you were too good to him, you knew that, but right now, as you frantically got dressed, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you made your way out of your condo and into your car, you couldn’t find it in yourself to give a damn.

oh, I'll pick you up

if you come back to america, just hit me up '

cause this is crazy love, I'll catch you on the flip side

if you come back to california, you should just hit me up

the drive from figure 8 to the cut was long, the streets desolate besides for the occasional pogue here and there. you kept your eyes peeled as you followed your gps to the location rafe had sent you, a trailer park coming into view.

you recognised rafe’s dirt bike outside one of them, driving to park your car as near as possible.

your folded your arms to your chest as you got out, eyes scanning the dingy beat up trailer as you walked up to it, lifting your knuckles to tap against the door.

you heard some shuffling on the other side, the door swinging open to reveal rafe and someone you didn’t quite recognise.

“alright country club, your girl’s here,” barry spoke, stepping aside to allow you in. you nodded toward him, your eyes moving to rafe as he sat on the floor against the couch. the sight immediately tugged at your heart strings, seeing him sitting there with his head in his hands, only for his sad, glassy blue eyes to make you feel even worse.

you both hadn’t said a word to one another as you helped him up and out of the trailer, into your car, the soft sounds of the sea waves crashing into the shore serving as background noise as you drove back to figure 8, back to your condo.

you chewed the inside of your cheek as you wordlessly let him lean into you on the way up and into your home, helping him down onto your couch.

you could hear a pin drop with how quiet it was, the soft hum from your freezer growing all the more louder as you watched him from where you’d been standing since you got here.

“do you wanna talk about it?” you finally spoke, finally breaking the eerie silence, your tongue darting out to wet your lips, moving to sit a little ways away from him on the couch.

his leg bounced as he sat, chewing his nail to bits as he thought over your words, thought over your actions. why were you being so sweet to him? after he’d been such a dick to you??

“he uh—he caught me doin coke, and look i know, i know i shouldn’t but it just—shit it make takes the edge off of things, especially with him breathing down my neck—y’know how he is,” he spoke, nodding your head in acknowledgment.

ward’s awful treatment was nothing new to you, there were times when rafe would stay days, if not weeks over at your place because of an argument he’d had with his dad, constantly belittling him and comparing him to sarah. it broke your heart back then and it broke your heart now.

“he started with that sarah bullshit again, about how she was a much better child than i was—how easy it was to raise her, to uhm to love her—about how she’d be a better leader for the company one day, told me everybody i got in my life was too good for me,” he swallowed, scoffing as he wiped at his nose.

“he just—he knows how to get in my head and he just kept pushing and pushing, then he brought you up, told me you were too good for me too, and hell he was right but uh, i finally had enough and yelled back—told him how much of shitty dad he’s been, told him it was his fault i became such a fuck up in the first place, but before i could get my word in—he uh—he hit me,” he finally spoke, the cut on his lip only catching your attention now.

“jesus christ ray,” you sighed, the nickname unconsciously slipping as you moved closer. the nickname only you were allowed to use.

god it’s been so long since he’s heard you call him that, the sound like a breath of fresh air; he realised then that no amount of alcohol, drugs or random women could ever make up for how much he’d missed you.

we'll do whatever you want, travel wherever how far

we'll hit up all the old places we'll have a party, we'll dance 'til dawn

after some time, you wordlessly went upstairs for the first aid kit you kept, always making a note to keep it ready with the amount of fights rafe found himself in.

he sniffled as you got closer, now seated on the coffee table, right in front of him, knees touching his.

“let me see?” you asked softly, chewing the inside of your cheek in concentration as you reached for a cotton pad soaked in antiseptic.

rafe tried to act indifferent, i mean things weren’t how they usually were; any other day he’d allow you to clean up any cut or wound he had, he only trusted you to do it; but he could feel the tension in the air, the tension he caused and god he hated himself for it.

dainty fingers reached for his chin, your touch soft and delicate and you used the cotton pad to dab at the cut on his lip, muttering out a barely audible ‘sorry,’ when he winced.

i'll pick up all of your vogues and all of your rolling stones

your favorite liquor off the top shelf

i'll throw a party all night long

you found yourself thoughtlessly stroking his jaw with your thumb, staring a little too long at his lips to be considered normal. you should’ve been angry, you should’ve been pissed, i mean he tossed you aside like the years upon years the two of you had been friends meant nothing? it hurt—the pit in your stomach, the tear streaks on your pillow, all those memories flashed through your mind as you tended to him.

but again, you couldn’t find it in yourself to care, not when he stared down at you with the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen, the faintest tear streaks still evident on his cheeks; he looked like the same boy you remembered becoming best friends with.

for this split second he seemed to be your rafe again, and you’d treasure that with everything in you, even if it hurt you to do so.

before you could abruptly get up, his large hand enveloped yours, gold signet ring cool to touch in contrast to the warmth of his hand.

“i—i fucked up—i shouldn’t have—shit i shouldn’t have talked to you that way and i know, i know it’s not an excuse but i uh—“ he paused, frantically wiping at his eyes with his unoccupied hand, still holding yours with the other.

you were about to tell him it was fine, that you didn’t have to talk about this now, not after everything that had happened with his dad but he shook his head, his tongue darting out to wet his chapped lips.

“nah let me speak—i mean it baby i shouldn’t have, you’re the best thing in my life, the only one that’s only ever been there for me and when shit got tough, i got—got mixed up in all of that bullshit and i pushed you away when i shouldn’t have,” he hiccuped, eyes red, nose stuffy as he chewed the skin on his bottom lip.

you felt yourself tearing up, avoiding his gaze as you tried to maintain composure.

“i-i wanna get better, i hate the man i’ve become cause of this shit,” he paused, throwing a small bag filled with white powder across the coffee table, “i hate it cause i hurt you, and im—im so sorry okay?” he hummed, voice trembling as he brought the back of your hand to his lips, quickly wiping at your eyes as you smiled.

you don't ever have to be stronger than you really are

when you're lying in my arms, and, honey

without thinking, you let go of his hand, all but throwing yourself into his lap as you hugged him, burying your face into his shoulder. he smiled into the top of your head in relief, smothering you in kisses as he held you to him, breathing your sweet, familiar, all too comforting scent in.

“you really hurt me ray, and you’re gonna have to work real hard for my forgiveness okay?” you laughed, pulling away from his chest, smiling up at him.

you don't ever have to act cooler than you think you should

you’re brighter than the brightest stars

he nodded, gently wiping a fallen tear from your cheekbone, “so we uh—we okay sweet girl?” he asked, looking down at you with the most loving gaze, the world around you standing still for that minute.

“yeah, hated not talking to you,” you laughed, running a hand through his hair, your tone becoming sincere once more before speaking up, “he’s wrong you know? your dad; you’re not a fuck up ray, you’re not unloveable okay? i mean look at my sorry ass! if you were really that unloveable i wouldn’t be here,” you shrugged, trying to lighten the mood with a joke, that smile you fell in love with finally gracing his features.

“you shouldn’t listen to him,” you reassured him, smoothing your hands down the sides of his face.

he nodded, moving forward to press kiss after kiss to your face, moving his kisses down your jaw, following the path down your neck till he reached your collarbone, hovering his lips there for a moment before he pulled away, tightening his grip around your waist before pulling you down onto the couch with him, tucking you into his side with another gentle kiss to the top of your head.

you were right back where you belonged.

you’re brighter than the brightest stars

thank you for reading 🍥

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