#dreamtxt

just needed a breather for a while but I was really missing the vaporwave community so I had to come back

only 2 songs per day from now on though starting tomorrow

hope you enjoy the jams

Before I start talking about my dream, I need to provide a brief background.

In the waking life, my best friend and I haven’t talked for more than half a year already. To be honest, I'm not really sure if I still regard her as a best friend. When I think about her and the fact that we don’t talk anymore, I don’t really feel anything. Not sadness, not anger. Just that I don’t care. I think ever since that ‘breakup’ I had earlier this year, I just stopped caring that much. I started to feel that I could lose anyone else and I won’t care anymore. Since I was able to cope with losing her, I felt that I could cope with losing anyone else. I started to feel that if people don’t want me to be in their life, then fine, I don’t want them to be in my life either. Although this thinking has its perks, it worries me too, honestly. I feel that I’ve become the person I don’t want to be.

I’ve always feared being alone, left alone, rejected, and replaced. These fears have been fueled by something that happened seven years ago, but that really isn’t needed background for the dream, haha. Anyway, naturally, I wouldn’t want to be hypocritical and be the person who leaves others. But recently, when I feel that I'm unwanted—even without solid evidence (I feel unwanted, but when I have a clear mind and am able to take a birds-eye view, I could tell that I'm being illogical, but I still can’t help but feel what I'm feeling, and it feels real)—I start to beat them to it and feel that I don’t really care if I lose them either. Quite easily, since I already coped with losing someone important.

But maybe my subconscious is trying to communicate with me. Maybe my subconscious doesn’t really feel that way. I wouldn’t know. There's a reason it’s called the subconscious. But what I do know is that I dreamt about my best friend trying to talk to me again after that long time of having zero contact, and what I did in the dream was to tell her that I don’t really care about her anymore. She got hurt and left, but that was when I started to feel that I regretted what I said. From what I know about the me now, I probably wouldn’t regret what I said, but dream me did. I started giving my best friend phone calls after phone calls, but she wouldn’t pick up. I wanted to apologize and tell her that I spoke out of anger.

After ten phone calls or so, her mother picked up. I told her I wanted to talk to my best friend, and she gave a really unbelievable excuse that even me in a dream wouldn’t believe. I mean, we tend to get really impressionable in dreams, right? If there's a giant fish swimming under a frozen river in front of you and it’s talking to you, you'll respond instead of wondering why the fuck, right?

The dream ended with me continuing to call until I couldn’t anymore. At some point, it just stopped ringing.

I woke up breathing hard and crying. I felt that maybe I really am not ready to lose people, after all. Until the dream haze wears off, at least. Around afternoon, I was back to feeling that I can throw away anyone who wants to throw me away. I know I wouldn’t want to leave anyone who still wants me around, but I can’t stop feeling that people don’t really like or care about me. I told myself that if I don’t assume anything and believe everything’s fine until they say otherwise, I’d be fine, but it hurts having to put up with feeling unwanted. I don’t know what to do. But when I leave first and distance myself, the pain stops, I feel nothing, and I really rather feel numb than feel hurt.

Last night, I dreamt that I was in a lecture hall in the university. It was a large class, and although I know that I’m in a lecture hall, now that I think about it, that classroom looked more like the ones in my high school. Everyone in the class is a person I know from college though, more specifically, people who pursue the same degree.

I don’t remember what the particular topic was, but someone was reporting to the class, and I questioned the report quite rudely. I must have said some terrible things because it ended with everyone else in the class insulting me and hating me. I can still remember everyone glaring at me and my thinking that I’m over--I’m too social as a person, and I get lonely when left alone for a few hours--because now, all of Economics students from my batch are in the class, and each and every one of them hates me.

I still remember how real it felt, how scared I was that I’m going to have to survive college completely alone, how I’m too people-oriented to take that and would probably end up killing myself. I started wondering how it came to this point because I couldn’t imagine how much I have to fuck up to get to that, because naturally, at some point, I would notice that I have to start fixing the situation.

I remember willing myself to wake up even if I thought it was real because I couldn’t accept that I’d be as careless as to fuck up that badly (I remembered all the times I dreamt of others hating me and them ending up to be dreams, so I thought this must be one too), but I failed. I was closing my eyes and opening them again and again to no avail, and my chest started to tighten as I realize that it wasn’t a dream, that I’m doomed to be alone until I get out of this place.

Luckily, the alarm I set for the day started ringing, and I woke up with my chest still feeling tight. I was chasing my breath, but I sighed in relief when I realized that it was a dream. I swear it all felt real, and my forcing myself to wake up only to fail and stay on the same spot of the room with everyone glaring at me made me think it really was real.