#dream script

It’s DONE! I remembered I had a friend who writes music. I used one of his compositions. Anyway, read this script I may actually submit to the show if the submissions reopen. Gaze upon this great script. 

—-

The Portal

Gaze into the abyss, and even the abyss will tell you to buzz off. WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE!!!

Several citizens have reported a large, gaping hole on the edge of town. It is about as wide as the high school parking lot, contains rings as it descends into the earth, smells of brimstone and flatulence, and utilizes the slightest bit of suction on anything within about five feet of the hole. At the moment, no humans have been sucked in, but several vehicles were. A scientific investigation has been called to observe this strange anomaly.

It’s football season, Night Vale. And this season, we have a special announcement. The Night Vale scorpions are on the ballot for a special prime time broadcast of their upcoming game against Desert Bluffs. Eight other games across the country have been shortlisted, but a vote will determine which game gets televised nationally on Golden Football Network. To vote, simply log on to Goldenfootball.com, vote for Night Vale v. Desert Bluffs, make a blood sacrifice, and submit through email. No set amount of blood was specified, but more would be appreciated. Bleed as much as you can before passing out. The website has an emergency number if anyone feels faint.

The secret police apprehended a stranger in our midst. He arrived at the post office, insisting the contents of his satchel be delivered as soon as possible. His appearance was not the strange part, though. He had two large, white wings protruding from his shoulder blades. His mere presence violated the ages old “no-wings” policy placed fifty years ago, after a spike-winged man was deemed a safety hazard. This man with enormous wings was taken away, and the secret police will decide an interrogation procedure at the appropriate time.

More on the hole: The mayor has issued a statement on the hole’s location. She can say with utmost certainty it is NOT near the dog park, because the dog park does not exist. Therefore, nothing beyond the fence was sucked in. She admitted to seeing it deliver an aura similar to that of the infamous glow cloud, but warns that is no reason for concern either. Everything is under control, listeners. Never worry unless you’re the one being sucked into the hole.  

And now a public service announcement: Donate your vehicle to WTNV and we will give you a free tank! In the wake of recent angel sightings, you never know when that turret gun may be needed. So what are you waiting for? Even if you still think you need your car, donate anyway because you can drive a tank, which may be harder to drive, but what the hay!

Night Vale’s longest running musical, Raised from Perdition, is making its triumphant return. The last musical ever to be state authorized, the show marks its 15th Anniversary with a showing at the Night Vale Arts Center now through the end of October. As if by fate, a wanderer stumbles onto a desert town and meets a demon, who shows him all sides of life…THROUGH SONG!!! See the play critics called “intriguing”, and “may make a case for why stage shows should be reinstated after the Hamlet-splatter incident.” Tickets on sale now at a special discount for one week. Night Vale Arts insists you see it, and the play’s director needs the money for his starving family.

The situation at the hole has gotten quite dire. A team of scientists was actually called in to investigate this supposed portal to another realm. Carlos, the most wonderful human being alive, is part of that team. Fortunately, from what I can gather, he’s just fine. However, one of the scientists got to close to its ever growing traction and was sucked in. As he fell in, the hole glowed a bright shade of beige, and a ray of light emitted from it. Now all of Night Vale has been placed under a state of emergency. We just don’t know what to do. Oh, dear, this is bad. But if we believe hard enough, maybe we can get through this together!

Our weekly calendar: Thursday is the mayor’s birthday. All Night Vale residents are encouraged to give a quarter of their income directly to her. Any less will result in a $15 thousand fine. Friday is Freedom Day. We celebrate the Night Vale rebellion against the Spanish Inquisition back in the 1500’s. The statues of our founders will be adorned with leis of cacti and doused with a new coat of molten gold. Please stand at least fifty yards away during the celebration. Saturday is home opening day for the Scorpions. Remember to make your blood sacrifices. Sunday is a figment of your imagination. Monday is Book Burning. If the secret police don’t like your work, too bad. It gets burned in full view of the town as you are tied to a mast and can do nothing but watch as your life’s work gets destroyed. Tuesday is a day of rest. Do absolutely nothing. Violators will be prosecuted. And Wednesday is Dedication Day. It is the day of our station’s lease payment. We observe the day by paying lease and letting loose the swarm of bats hidden in the studio basement. To all employees, these bats are harmless. They are not the ones genetically engineered to attack intruders. These are just the ceremonial bats. They are hungry though, having been starved since Christmas, so please throw some food you forgot to eat at them.

Last note on the hole. Carlos came in just now. He’s motioning me outside. I think he wants me to see the hole with his research team. Oh, good. Now I get to spend more time with Carlos! Dear, sweet Carlos! But why me? I guess he just wants me to get a firsthand look at tonight’s top story. Or perhaps another date? *squee* In either case, I am happily obliged. I leave you with…THE WEATHER!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTdxhYb0j3s&feature=c4-overview&list=UUurc748j46ZKzUGNcWUVtyA (“Prettiest Woman”-Matt-J. See his YouTube for more) 

The scientists called off their investigation of this strange anomaly. The scientist sucked in earlier was suddenly spat back out. He was a nervous wreck, and appeared to have been scratched repeatedly across the midsection. He said something about an eyeless man with bat wings and a great increase in temperature as he descended. The pit, according to him, had no bottom. He claimed to have been spat out by a large crocodile with a forked tongue clinging to the walls. If that thing spat him out, he must have tasted just awful.

I saw all the scientists racked at this development. I myself having no experience in geology could not talk to any of them, but tried my best to remain enthusiastic about the whole thing. Carlos drove me home today. He spoke not a world until we returned home to the studio. Then he said the most wonderful thing I have ever heard from anyone.

“This hole…” he said. “I think this explains a lot about your town. Why it is so unusual. Why things happen here that would never happen anywhere else. Why the sheriff needs a secret police and hooded figures roam the dog park. And where all these strange creatures come from. Of course, I may never know for sure, but I can tell you this with utmost certainty. This is the least boring place I have ever been.”

And we embraced! It was beautiful, magical even. And his words made me ponder. Night Vale is a desert town, but are there others like it? What other desert towns would look on us in fear? Does anyone outside Night Vale listen to my stupid show? I rarely travel from Night Vale, but maybe there is somewhere else in the country exactly like us. With its own secret police, and glow clouds, rabid librarians, time portals, and maybe even at war with a different underground city. I look now to my city and I say to all you listeners, “thank you!” For we are many things, but one thing I would never say we are, is boring!

Stay tuned for five hours of white noise. And always remember, little Night Vale, to continue to be thought provoking and not boring by just living like those in this little desert town always have and always will.

Good night, Night Vale, good night!