i feel like i’ve seen everyone around me going up in the world, and i feel like i just keep falling further down. 

not to be an arrogant asshole but i legitimately always thought that i would be the best at whatever i wanted to do. when i was in high school i murdered the SATs without even trying. i almost got a full ride to Duke lmao. 

but then i didn’t get the full ride. and then i didn’t get As in college. and then i didn’t do an undergraduate thesis. i didn’t pursue music and i didn’t pursue literature or writing. and then i got a master’s at a 2nd rate school in a field i care nothing about. and now i’m getting a phd at a 3rd rate program in a field i know nothing about.

and i always thought that i was like... better than that. i thought i was destined for greatness lmao. (the arrogance). and i see my friends achieving such great things! getting into top programs and being steadfast in their goals! and i just feel like such a fucking failure by comparison. i literally feel like i have done everything wrong my entire life when it counted. every single time.

and i’ve really been trying to reconnect with my faith and live a faith-centered life, because i legitimately want to believe and want to be happy. and from a religious perspective i keep trying to tell myself that i don’t matter as anything other than God’s instrument. that the reason God keeps humbling me is to remind me that my achievements are for His glory and not my own.