But I kind of want to reveal later that that *did not actually happen*, he realized the risk after Helen approached him. Ok so maybe he did have a moment where he felt the urge to growl at someone in the team which was the click for him, so he went and told Lester, who pulled Matt in, and with no solid solutions, Connor decides to go to Helen - expecting she might double-cross him or betray him, but his plan is to learn whatever he can (and steal any useful results/ data if possible) so the arc can hopefully fix him even if Helen does her usual bs.

But I want to reveal these details later, when Helen is revealing *her* game here, I want connor to have the satisfaction of surprising Helen, who just assumes she's fully tricked him/ that he's just too trusting still.

To which Connor, only in the beginning stages of becoming feral, had responded with 'right, pull the other one' or 'right, because you're so altruistic', and helen had parried with something abt how when he starts fearing that he'll hurt abby/his friends, he should come find her, and gives an address.

She knows he wont tell the team because he is worried about this thing happening -and hasnt told anyone yet - and there's just enough doubt and fear there. He will try and keep it secret, and then he will scare himself, and he will come. (I'm torn between, the address is correct and she just felt she knew what he would do, or the address is a meeting point, and she has him follow her or has her clones grab him and bring him to the actual location if the lab/building. Not sure which works better, I like when helen is so sure of herself and sometimes is right, or seemingly so, bc when she gets it wrong it makes it more fun)

I also think it would be fun if connor *did* tell someone on the team by asked them to wait and if they don't hear from him by x day, to tell the rest and come storm the castle so to speak. Which I don't think Helen expects, she thinks she's got connor fully convinced.

Oh, right yes, she's decided to use connor to test this drug, because...hm. she probably wants to use it on herself actually bc when the aggression and other traits get canceled out, the other aspects (enhanced senses, for example) will be a benefit to her ability to achieve her goals. So she has, using her clones as test subjects before this, gotten it to a point where she can reverse it completely, she just wants to find a way to adjust it to keep the more desirable traits, and the clones are too...thick, mentally. So, connor seemed like a good choice, he's smart, adaptable, strongly attached to his team and to Abby, and trusting, even as he hates Helen's guts, he's willing to trust her on this bc she made a good case (maybe he told Matt, thinking the man might have an idea of what this is, but on he other hand, would Matt rlly let connor go off and let Helen experiment on him? Or would he see that as a risk for causing a - different - apocalyptic future? So...maybe he told becker? Tbh that makes sense, becker is backup, action man, but would be hard-pressed to convince him to allow connor to go off and trust helen cutter....so....maybe he told Lester? Maybe that would be easiest, he would concede they need more information, and maybe they do let Matt know just about the feral thing, to double check if he knows of this, he doesn't. They run some lab tests, but the techs/medics don't rlly know what they're looking at. So the decision is made, connor wants to take the risk of going to Helen for help. I think some of this gets revealed later in the story, maybe, bc it's implied in the part I wrote previously that connor is desperate and that he just scared abby and it terrified him and that's why he's come to Helen for help. So I think it'd be interesting if it's revealed later - as we discover that Helen lied and she actually caused this to happen to connor, we also find out that connor lied, too, or at least implied some things and omitted other info, that Lester and (by now) the team know where he's gone and why, and he didn't come bc he was quite that desperate yet, he chose to come before it got that bad, to have some control of the situation.

So its like he's on a mission, to learn what he can as well, if she can and will fix things, great, if not, he's going to learn as much as he can and then the team will swoop in and hopefully they can either force her to fix him, or they will have to figure it out themselves from what he observes.

So I got myself stuck in a weird catch 22 with no ending that felt satisfying. I enjoy the concept still, the angst and the uncertainty, the stakes feel high enough like if connor messes up, pushes himself too far, or 'dies' again he literally will lose his spirit or part of it and become a wandering mindless ghost demon thing. Is he losing bits of his spirit every time he saves the day in this afterlife? I couldn't think out how to make a satisfying and consistent end to the story. I didn't actually want him to be dead for real in the story but I remember now I actually have him killed by a creature/dino, so like. Yknow.

I thought about it being something where he didn't die, an anomaly zapped him and changed his state of being to a different plane or something but I actually think someone else already did that? Idk. But if I did, the team...don't have a body to bury, but they had to be there to see that he 'died', like he didn't fall thru an anomaly or something. There was a weird electromagnetic pulse from the anomaly that zapped connornbefore their eyes and when it disappeared, so had he. So like do I do, and there was a shadow and they assume it fucking vaporized him??? That's fucked up idk. Lol.

....If there was no body, no animal attack, then connor could potentially come back to them. Probably some weird thing where when he dreams of encountering nick cutter at an anomaly that going thru it didn't lead to the afterlife and accepting that he's dead, for all that nick let him decide to stay behind and haunt abby and the actually dead man did also go into that anomaly, the truth is it would take him where he needed to be or something, so, he was supposed to do that and he would've just, reappeared there in the instant before they vould see he had vanished, possibly injured but alive.

So the goal is abby and he both believe that that dream anomaly led to the actual afterlife, and she convinces connor he has to go move on, she's afraid he's going to lose himself completely trying to save her and everyone else as a spirit, pushing himself too far, and he can't just sit by and watch. So he finally accepts and closes his eyes and opens them and he's back in the forest in front of that anomaly, tho there's no nick this time waiting for him. He takes an unnecessary deep breath and steps into the anomaly--- and falls with a WHOOMPF onto their bed, completely jolting abby and in fact she is momentarily airborne out of sheer surprise.

Before she can start scolding him for not doing as she said, she realizes he is twitching a little like he's been shocked, and has burns on his hands and chest. Same places where the light from the anomaly had zapped him when he'd 'died'. She reaches out, shaking, and touches his shoulder. And it's solid, completely. Wtaf?! Is the entirety of thoughts in her mind. What in the---- she realizes also that his eyes are closed. She immediately grabs her phone and calls Jess- not an ambulance, connor was declared dead, but Jess, who has the arc's medics on their way immediately without hesitating.

She has questions, abby knows, but she'll wait. So they load connor to the ambulette thing and head to the arc which has state of the art medical facilities at this time, anyway. But connor wakes up on the way there and starts crying and it hits abby that he's real and solid and alive and he's going to be okay somehow after all and she starts crying too. And the Dr's/medics check him over and it's handwavy medical stuff he will be ok tho just needs blah blah blah and rest, some ice and then topical treatment for the burns (once they're cool enough to not boil under the ointment), careful use of pain meds, etc.

Anyway it was 11 years ago after all. And while the whole thing is its not an illness that helen injected connor with, it's some future nonsense that changes his thinking and makes him feel animal instincts and act like an animal in some ways, but it COULD work like an infection of a sort?

Like maybe they can combat it by treating it ....like a histamine thing?, or by creating an immune response as if it's a virus? or maybe it acts like an autoimmune disease and he'll have to take medication to combat it for a long time at least if not forever.

Those are all plausible solutions... maybe the one that the scientists came up with and was rejected out of hand because it could kill brain cells or outright kill him, neither of which abby would be okay with of course, maybe that's the one that treats it like an autoimmune disease? Bc they do have more risks usually than some other meds. Bc I need an explanation for what that solution that they're not going to go with actually is/what it does so that the other solutions are clearly different. Idk.

Oh I also probably need to go back a bit and have them confirm in testing that it isn't infectious/contagious, bc that should have been something the characters would think about and think to check for. But I could I guess add it in now (if i actually continue writing it now) as if it was already discussed earlier on that they tested that and found it negative.

Maybe that's why they thought they can't treat it like an infection or virus, bc it doesn't spread to others - actually maybe it can but only by blood? (Besides obvs being injected with the ferality itself directly like what Helen did to connor, obvs)

Anyway, so they do poke around some more and do find that either a) there's a way to provoke an immune response (which....idk i dont know enough about that. I might have to suspend disbelief more by having them create an antiviral for it that fast? or act like its bacterial and go for antibiotics, or make a vaccine somehow super fast, which would make a liiitle bit of sense if the story was taking place nowadays bc we have mrna vaccines as a concept already, but unfortunately this story takes place in uhhhhh 2010 or something?? So that wouldnt be plausible right? And a vax doesnt work after you have the illness..Unless it's like rabies in that post-exposure prophylactics do work if done quickly, also extra angst if it is based on that and so they conclude itll eventually make him bite to spread it and then eventually itll kill him, but idk if i want to go with that much angst plus we alreadyhave the whole dodo parasite with tom thing where he tries to bite abby so its just like rerunning that yknow?)

Or maybe they give him antihistamines and it fucking works ok idk

or b) it doesn't act like an infection after all, but surprisingly it is actually going to wear off on its own eventually (the sample degraded quickly, theoretically will last longer in a human system) but they also figure a way to flush it from his system (drink lots of water?? Saline drip? Antihistamines or something too anyway???)

Ok giant fixit where...nick doesn't die.

Well, he does, his heart does technically stop at least once, but he is actually still alive - barely - when Connor carries him out of the ARC. And then the ambulance arrives, and they discover he still has a pulse, weak, erratic.

It's so faint Connor definitely couldn't find it, there, sitting in the burning ARC building amongst smouldering detritus and sparking wires with Nick's head heavy on his shoulder. He'd checked, tried to, leastways.

The team are crying and huddled together when the EMT announces there's still a pulse, and Connor suddenly can't breath again.

What? Abby looks up at him, teary, smudged eyes wild with a sudden, hesitant hope. Connor just thinks he probably looks shell-shocked. Jenny says 'Oh G-D' again, this time almost punched out of her with the same bit of fragile hope.

He couldn't feel a breath or a pulse when he'd tried to check, and Nick didn't wake up, didn't move. Now all Connor can think is - what if? What if he waited too long, sat there beside cutter for too long before picking him up, because he thought he was dead, and what if because of that, nick dies after all? Just, what if because of him they get their hopes up only for him to die anyways?

They watch nick being brought into the ambulance, a flurry of activity and words thrown about as the EMTs get to work to stabilize Nick. After a period of time where they all just watch and sniffle, and the EMTs seem to be getting ready to head out, Jenny grips into Connor's shoulder for a moment. He looks numbly at it and then at her, makes eye contact,, before she then hurries away from their little group and over to the back of the ambulance. They can hear as she asks if she can ride along or if she'll be in the way. They suppose it's answered when she climbs up into the back and squeezes herself into a corner, while the flurry of activity around Nick continues, and the doors swing closed.

The ambulance pulls away, sirens wailing, and what's left of their core team stands there, lost. Someone, one of the ARC's medics, most likely, says something about shock. About everyone heading to the hospital, too, for shock and smoke inhalation and whatever else. Connor's not even sure which hospital they've taken Cutter to, whether they'll be heading to the same one. He supposes so.

The innocent fun of earlier that day seems so distant now.

...

Aaaand then...

Cutter ends up in a coma. Helen thinks she succeeded, since the house sits empty and the ARC team goes around acting like he's dead, because a coma is...not dead, but not a guarantee of life, either.

Connor is like a ghost, half the time, the rest he's just always on the verge of crying, not that the others are any better.

He has his promise to Cutter, the Artefact to figure out, and the locking device, and there are still anomalies to deal with. He can't fall apart, especially when Cutter isn't actually dead (yet, his brain whispers). Everything rests on him, though, at least until (if) Cutter wakes up.

And then there's the chance of brain damage, as well, which sits there, too, along with the other worries. That if it happens, if Cutter wakes but has brain damage, that it's Connor's fault for not bringing him outside soon enough.

He tried to tell Abby about it,, but she just told him it wasn't his fault and that he'd saved nick.

They take turns visiting him in hospital, sitting by his bedside. Connor can never bring himself to say anything, but he knows Abby talks to him, around him, either. Jenny is quiet, at the ARC, once repairs begin. She doesn't say much to the unconscious professor, either, not so far as Connor's heard.

The only spot of life is the flat, and watching Sid and Nancy meet and play with Rex (who tolerates them, more than anything else, but seems to enjoy the company regardless). That's the only times Connor finds himself smiling or laughing those days.

Connor avoids the ARC when they announce theyve managed the get into the main area, where the blast originated. (He misses them pull the remains of the Cutter Clone from the wreckage, which is good, because even though they know it's not him it still shakes everyone up all over again, the dead man who looks like Nick. He is very much definitely dead.)

Eventually the fires are all out, the wreckage and dead bodies removed, and repairs begin on the ARC.

...

Things Nick Cutter has concluded, not in a particular order:

Under the readmore. Au from s2 but mostly introspective, inspired by a much more fantastic fic I read called Fresh Scars. Seriously go read that.

Tony gets his clan name of shellpaw (eventually will be shellheart)

Tony picks out a nest in the apprentices den. Some cats who dislike kittypets are rude of course, but bucky (barkfur) is welcoming, as is spiderpaw (peter), and some other random apprentices.

And of course Steve is super happy, he wants to spend all the time ever with Tony in birdclan's territory. First tho steve has to recover from injuries. Tony and yinsen do their tour of the territory, and he starts teaching Tony hunting moves. Birdclan has an affinity for catching birds, using tree climbing, speed, various high leaps, and different hunting moves than say, snakeclan, who obvs hunt more ground prey like snakes. So he starts with those parts of training, bc a warrior needs to know how to hunt and feed their clanmates first and foremost.

(I was gonna have yinsen as medcat but i have Bruce in that role even if hes not so much that in the comics while yinsen is a bit? But eh. Yinsen was not born in the clan, and kept his original name, he learned a lot of the same stuff med cats learn but from where he came from, but it can be good to have warriors who know that stuff, too, and Bruce idk, let's go with it for now, I can always change the medcat later to like. The night nurse from the comics? Or Stephen strange? Either one would work for medicine + connection to starclan elts?)

Eventually Steve is better and he and bucky join Tony and yinsen for training, starting battle training, showing both bucky and Tony different moves in battle, how to defend yourself from different attacks, angles and plans... Tony is bigger than Bucky so eventually they have another mentor and apprentice join as well and bucky faces the other apprentice while Tony faces off w Steve who is mostly younger than than the other warriors. So they train a lot together too and become closer. Tony trains with different apprentices and cats as do they.

They go hunting, and there are some mini hunting competitions, and then assessments. Tony fits in like a natural, like he was born in birdclan, like this is where he was meant to be. He makes leaps like nobody's business, climbs trees without fear, and is an excellent hunter, as well as capable in faux battles.

Him and Steve work smoothly as a team, like as if they can read each others minds, and create some cool paired battle moves together. Yinsen is very proud of Tony.

And then tragedy strikes, of course. Theres an attack from idk, not snakeclan probably, rogues maybe, and birdclan rises in response but in the end yinsen is killed? Or maybe not. Tony is injured while protecting the kits and pregnant queens in the nursery from the invading rogues with yinsen, he fights with the fierceness of a mother cat protecting her babies, but is unable to save yinsen?

and tomy earns some bad claw- scoring to the chest for his efforts. Thought is hes not so injured like in the comics, because...well, I just killed off yinsen?, and also I feel like something that serious would be a death sentence or a take him back to the twolegs and see if they can save him, type of deal. So...idk....

or maybe yinsen doesnt die at this pt, but Tony is badly injured and the med cat is at a loss for how to help beyond covering the wound in cobwebs and healing herbs and asking starclan for help. Yinsen has some knowledge from where he was from, some different herbs, leaves and other things to help. It is serious and almost certainly a death sentence, but somehow Tony pulls through. Over time he will heal and shouldnt have any problems with the wound/scar tissue. Maybe this happens instead? Not a heart problem bc that's definitely beyond cats' abilities to heal or deal with, but it may impact him.

Tony has to train more, slowly, regaining his health and strength. Steve helps. When Tony is back to normal, more or less, the leader surprises him by announcing he is to become a warrior, as he proved himself in the attack on the clan. Yinsen smiles at Tony, proudly. He is named shellheart, for his fierce heart and bravery. Everyone shouts and repeats his new name. Tony is so happy and at home in birdclan, looking at his friends, at yinsen, at Steve.

Uh eventually yinsen is killed/dies in an attack or from another animal or the river or something. Tony mourns his loss terribly.

[Also obvs Tony is friends with the whole group he went with to rescue Steve, the avengers, hank and jan and Wanda and Carol and Bruce, as well as Steve. Tigra, later maybe? Oh, and Clint! (Natasha is in snakeclan, but Clint is birby!) And Sam (also birby, hello falcon??) Which means literally noone from the avengers is in snakeclan except for nat? Hm. Uh, might change hank's name for yellowtail, or highstep?, Jan to waspwing maybe, and make antpelt the other guy who picks up the mantel from hank, and stick him in snakeclan.