#drafgost

Beat Keep Rockin' - Starjunk 95

All I'm saying is it's a fucking crime I didn't know about Starjunk 95 before now. I love the groove of this song and I'm genuinely very interested in listening to their other music afterwards. The beat is smooth and jumpy, and bounces around frequently almost like it's entertaining itself by switching up. It reminds me a lot of the music out of JetSetRadio, in terms of composition, sound, and energy.

Lyrics: 5/10

There aren't really any lyrics, but that's absolutely no detriment to the song. The snippets of a sample I can't find the origin of anywhere (please comment if you know it) are a phenomenal framework.

Vocals: 6/10

Following the lyrics, obviously there isn't much to rate here either. The vocals present on the sample though are ones I want to hear more of, which is why I'm so deeply upset to come up empty handed what it's from. Like I mentioned above, the framework from this sample is so sturdy; the vocals have the same energetic flow that fits so well around the drums. I'm also a fan of the pitched-up voice that jumps in every few seconds or so.

Sound: 8.5/10

I love how this one sounds as well. I've listened to it six or seven times now that I've reached this section and the JSR comparison just keeps cementing. It sounds really good, and isn't easy to get bored of.

Final Rating: 7/10

Love me U - DJ Genki

This one is also extremely nostalgic, by way of reminding me of the Cybergoth Dance Party video that christened the decade. I love it, and if I had it in 2011 I'd be freaking it the exact same way. It did come from 2014, though, so this is our first Actual Relic of the list! I fully intend of listening to bits of the compilation album, TANO*C EXTRA, at some point in the future and checking out DJ Genki's other work as well.

Lyrics: 5/10

Very standard lyrics for the time and genre, "you're not the one for me, I need to be free" scheme. I can't tell if it's just my genuine love for this period of music, but I do like it when paired with the heavy thumping electronic instrumentals and rapid digital piano mingled within to convey drama and earnestness. The same lyrics do just loop for the whole run, but the short song length and everything else happening alongside it really does distract you from that fact.

Vocals: 5/10

Genre standard filtered feminine and/or pitched up vocals that defined an era just as proudly as the blender-like intrumentals (I mean this as fondly as possible, you have to trust me).

Sound: 7/10

You have already seen where my loyalties lie. I love when audio software screams at me. This shit bangs, it's a sound I've never grown out of. Within four heavy walls of sound I have built a home.

Final Rating: 6/10

tricked out - damon r.

This is probably the first song that I feel is firmly contemporary, in a way I really like. I feel like theres a great blend of 2010's electronic and 2020's emo white boy with a TikTok presence that can only exist present day. From what I can tell from just a tertiary glance, damon r. is very new to the game, with his first release on Spotify being from February 2024. From this song alone, I honestly think he's doing great so far and am really looking forward to keeping up with his future releases.

Lyrics: 7.5/10

The lyrics meld heavily into the instrumentals, which I do quite like for this kind of song. I find the writing style is heavy on slang and reference, in a way that feels like he's speaking in artful, heart-on-the-sleeve semivagues geared towards people who can parse exactly what he's saying while not giving it away to a general listener in simple terms. Hell, I don't know exactly what he's saying but I know he means it.

Vocals: 6.5/10

While the vocal style of breathy, deep monotones have lost lots of novelty in recent years with internet whiteboy emo rap, I think the way it allows the beat to dominate the track is balanced well.

Sound: 8/10

Very strong homage to mid 2010's electronic dance music, especially with the female vocal sample at the tail end of the song. The credited producer is 10cust, who I'm also interested in looking into. The beat is great, and it reminds me of the more cyber-themed, heavily textured side of electronic music. I've had a great time looping the track while I write this, largely because of how infectious the energy of the beat is.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

polyriddim (Original mix) - phonon

Guys I'm so sorry the first 28 seconds are fine but then it just turns into Cbat for me. Even the next 30 or so seconds after the first drop is fine but the INSTANT it hits 0:57 I begin to cry.

Lyrics: —

There are none, save for a couple short vocal samples saying phrases of only a handful of words, so I will skip this section.

Vocals: —

Would be crazy if he pulled out some straight belting with absolutely no lyrics behind it. Unfortunately we don't live in a world where I can experience happiness.

Sound: 3/10

Look, there are short and all-too-few moments where the sound completely changes and I actually really like it, like the section between the 1:36 and 2:17, but other than that it's grilled cheek sandwich to my ears. Maybe I'm a fucking moron who can't understand high art and would flip tables over being served gold leaf mouse testicle for a cool $295 at a restaurant. I don't want to live that life.

Final Rating: 3/10

SMSOU - Eliminate, Frost Children

This one immediately pulled me back. It's so stylish and so distinctly contemporary. While I haven't listened to much of either artist, what I've heard from Frost Children previously made me really start to look forward to this song when I first got this batch of recommendations.

Lyrics: 7.5/10

I love how playful the lyrics are, matching phenomenally with the bouncy, bubbly sound. While there's not a ton of meat to the lyrics per se, standard fair about infatuation in a heavier sounding dance song, I appreciate the genre as a whole for the simple manner of communicating that with a few playful turns of phrase guiding it. It feels like the words chosen were specifically used to feel good in a song like this, with a significant emphasis on "s" and "sh" sounds.

Vocals: 7/10

My biggest compliment for the vocals is the clear attitude and confidence they exhude. It feels like a given, but Frost Children are absolutely essential to my enjoyment of the track.

Sound: 9/10

The wobbly, bouncy sound that characterizes this song for me is absolutely mesmerizing. It's one of those songs that scratches my brain like thrown rocks blooping into a pond.

Final Rating: 8/10

Loserz - Gregor McMurray

While the beat sounds better on this one than polyriddim, the vocal sample on this one drives me up the fucking wall. I want to like it, and pitched up vocals are usually things I like, but the way this sample sounds childish just irks me beyond belief.

Lyrics: 3/10

"Shit techno", to pull directly.

Vocals: 2/10

Again, the way the vocals aren't just pitched up, but are whiny in a grating and childish way makes me unwell. Maybe I'm being too harsh, there's some rave girl named MeL1$$a somewhere who loves this shit, but it sounds like the lyrics were run through a voice AI trained off of Peppa Pig.

Sound: 5/10

The beat really isn't that bad, and while it's not something I normally would choose to put on otherwise, it's competently mixed. The overall score for the sound is taking a massive hit from the vocal sample.

Final Rating: 3/10

Look Back - Sandio

I can't believe I wasted my cybergoth dance video joke on Love me U. Holy shit. I'm really not too mad about this one; while it's likely not a song I will personally listen to much after this, I do genuinely think it's good and fills its niche well. Thank you Serial Experiments Lain fans.

Lyrics: —

Isn't this what you wanted all along?

Vocals: —

You must feel good that no one's dying in any strange way, and no one is being hurt, and no one hates you either.

Sound: 6/10

It's good, very heavy and industrial. I like how the clips are dispersed through the mix, and the slow, oppressive plin-plons of a keyboard loom beneath it. I definitely recommend it if you like shit that actually has a place at the cybergoth rave of legend.

Final Rating: 6/10

eye2eye - Tsu Nami

In just the first couple seconds I could already tell I loved this. Simple, bouncy, and bright, this song is smooth and colourful with the same pop sugar I praised Ninajirachi for earlier.

Lyrics: 6.5/10

Extremely simple, in a way that doesnt beg for more. "I can't seem to get you off my mind" is an increasingly relatable line with how inoffensively catchy this song is.

Vocals: 7.5/10

The vocals are sweet and earnest, in a way that immediately pulled me in. I really love how this style of music bounces so perfectly off of Tsu Nami's voice.

Sound: 9/10

Soft breakcore-esque bridges into bubblegum house are a combination I didn't know I'd like this much, but it feels so obvious now with how well it works together.

Final Rating: 8/10

Furioso Melodia - gmtn

Wow! This reminds me of that season of Black Butler with the circus arc and, tangentially, the terrible people I associated with when I was 13. I really don't know what else to say. I mean, I understand the doll-like and little witch motifs but I do not fuck with this. It sounds like something the juggalette my ex cheated on me with would listen to.

Lyrics: —

Maybe that's a good thing, now that I'm forced to recall the nightcore clown song I found on YouTube a few years ago that's haunted me ever since.

Vocals: —

Don't make me think more about the clown song :(

Sound: 3/10

It makes me feel like my blood is upside down. This song came on while I was in the other room and I had to shout for my girlfriend to turn it off so I could cope with the middle school flashbacks. If this song was around when I was writing a Doctor Who x Black Butler crossover fic I would have used this as part of my "soundtrack". I've been at sea for God knows how long, and our reserves are dwindling. I had a dream I ate the captain.

Final Rating: 3/10

Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites - Skrillex

Primo YouTube intro song circa 2011-2015 and I've never given it a fair shake because of that. I didn't come away learning much, unfortunately. I'm sure Skrillex already gets enough shit, but who am I, in any meaningful context, to John Skrill Dubstep? It's aight.

Lyrics: 5/10

There are very few lyrics, and save for the "YES OH MY GOD" clip I actually like them decently enough. That clip, though, is part of why I skirted this song so much for the past fifteen or so years.

Vocals: 5/10

The vocal clip chopped up through the song, and allowed to play towards the end, is one I genuinely like. It reminds me of what I enjoyed so much about Porter Robinson back in the day. I think the singing is decent enough, and the way it's mixed into the song is really enjoyable. I guess I just wish there was more playing with that one clip rather than the kid screaming, but I've also already named another artist I can go to for that balance.

Sound: 6.5/10

Presently it sounds like pretty standard dubstep, but I'm also aware that at the time Skrillex and similar artists were active pioneers making some really new stuff, and I can appreciate that so much dubstep sounds like this because of how influential it was. It's not really a sound for me, but it's not bad. Like I said, it's aight.

Final Rating: 6/10

ELECTRIC - Frost Children

Instant banger. I adore how immediate the energy is, and I'm so glad that same attitude on SMSOU is present here. I was also pleasantly surprised by the bridge around 1:30. It reminds me of a more polished 3OH!3, with the constant innuendo in the lyrics and the loud party beat.

Lyrics: 6.5/10

Really simple and enjoyable, but the moments where they do switch up are ones I really like. It's not as playful as SMSOU, and is instead a bit more on-the-nose, but I definitely wouldn't call it a downgrade.

Vocals: 6.5/10

I like the juxtaposition between the harsher shouting of the chorus and the singing in the bridge, which reminds me a lot more of vocal performances out of 2010 than 2025. The singing itself reminds me of the style employed by frontmen of bands like All Time Low, which is hugely nostalgic.

Sound: 7.5/10

It feels infectious, a bit more cyber or industrial in a very dancefloor friendly way. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with it while I wrote this.

Final Rating: 7/10

All i wanna do is touch your powerpoints - bleedheartz

A lot heavier and more chaotic than a lot of the songs so far, save for Look Back by Sandio. I'm not entirely confident it's a song I'll return to after this, at least not frequently, but there are aspects I really like. I like some of the vocal samples, especially the singing chopped into the mix, and I love the speed of the song.

Lyrics: 6.5/10

The vocal sample used is from Dannii Minogue's 1997 song "All I Want To Do", about not being as innocent as everyone assumes. I really like the use of this song as a framework, more of which I'll get into with the vocals and sound, but honestly mostly just because I'm a sucker for sex-themed pop cheese being cut up and Frankenstein'd into electronic music.

Vocals: 7/10

While the original song isn't quite up my alley, I do think Dannii has a really nice voice, and the pitched up version used here sounds great to my ears after years of hyperpop brainrot.

Sound: 4.5/10

The sound of the track is my biggest reason for not thinking I'll be returning to it. The rapid thumping sound dominating the track has grown on me significantly as I've looped it, but the speaking vocal sample that breaks the flow in the middle is something I generally don't like in songs. Some of the other more abrasive chopped in samples are much less of an issue for me now than they were initially.

Final Rating: 6/10

DotA (Radio Edit) - Basshunter

I completely forgot this song existed, but the instant I heard it I remembered $0.50 eurodance ringtones and stone age internet memes seeping out of forums and into the lives of first generation social site users. I recall DotA (the song), robot dogs, and Tooth Tunes in the same string of thoughts.

Lyrics: 3/10

Aside from the lyrics being in

they're also just shit. Hey guys, I'm playing DotA. Did you know I play DotA? I'm over here caressing n shit, creeping on my enemies, got big old enemies I'm puttin to sleep. I feel you man. Apparently there's a non-radio version where he says something about his cock being out. I'm becoming increasingly incoherent.

Vocals: 4/10

Would have been a very flat 5/10 save for the interjections of English in a much deeper and more unsettling voice that consistently startles the fear of God into me.

Sound: 5/10

Very standard 2000's dance song, one so basic I'm conjuring false memories of there being a Crazy Frog version. It's certainly something that little freak — who, coincidentally, also has his cock out and orignates in Sweden — would like.

Final Rating: 4/10

WTF is House - G Zoom, Xyrul

This one genuinely grated on me in a way only Loserz has managed so far. This is the first song I've refused to loop, and have been writing this review in complete silence.

Lyrics: 2/10

The lyrics are like a YouTube skit by a creator who soley talks about house music and has no other recognizable human qualities. It's dripping with the ironic disdain of any and every skit poking fun at the "out" group by explaining things as simply as possible and feigning their complete bewilderment over it. If this was a medium I was ever seeking out, I'd award the first person to recognize it a gun with a single bullet chambered.

Vocals: 3/10

While there's no singing to speak of, I'm awarding a less than neutral score because I'm a mean spirited crone. It's just something about him jumping between speaking with great measure as if to a child, and with great exasperation and confusion over

what sounds there are.

Sound: 3/10

Whatever, man. Whenever no one is hamming it up for 2010's SkitTube it sounds fine, but that's a rare moment of peace amongst ceaseless anguish.

Final Rating: 2.5/10

Suima - ☆NoAki ☆

This is a massive breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm just celebrating the first drop of water in the desert for miles, but this one is scratching my brain so good.

Lyrics: 7.5/10

The lyrics (and vocals) come from suima by KANKAN and Ayase, which are absolutely beautiful. They're visceral, visual, and incredibly written. Unfortunately I don't speak any Japanese and can't parse what verses made it into NoAki's version, but I'm just happy knowing they're there at all.

Vocals: 8/10

We all know by now I'm a huge fan of nightcoresque vocals, so this was a very easy bag for me. I also love how the vocal samples from the original are chopped in and given extra texture.

Sound: 8/10

By far one of the easiest songs this week to loop, aided by how criminally short it is at just 1:47. It's magnetic, with constant contagious energy that blends perfectly with the pitched up and remixed vocals. It's the perfect balance of smooth and abrasive, swinging between both with ease and blending them when necessary.

Final Rating: 8/10

SPIN AROUND - gothcandy

Very different from everything I've heard so far. It's foggy, breathy, and heavy in a more oppressive way than a loud or abrasive way. I really like this.

Lyrics: 6/10

Unfortunately, I can't find the lyrics transcribed anywhere and due to the texture of the song they're very hard to parse in full. What I can make out though, I do like. References to desire and closeness are perfectly placed in a song that sounds like plush blankets in a dark room.

Vocals: 8/10

I think her voice is phenomenal, swinging between heavy and smoky, and light and airy with ease. I couldn't quite place it until now but she sounds strikingly similar to Lana Del Rey.

Sound: 8/10

Goth EDM has found a new fan. It almost has a grimdark cyberspace sound to it, akin in some ways to HEALTH if they were more... sultry? Smoke filled rooms with the incessant blinking lights of machines, the underbelly of some cyberpunk setting that gets brushed past and never fully explored, the miserable lives within it vying for affection. I'll be returning to gothcandy very soon.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Attentat - Wulfband

I have no clue what's going on but I like it and I'm glad I'm here. I might have finally found a replacement for Rammstein.

Lyrics: —

Despite the presence of lyrics, there's no transcription of them anywhere I can find, and I have no way to parse them myself because they're in German. Based on the sound, and the title of the song being the German equivalent of "assassination", I have to assume it's within the vein of in-your-face young punk political commentary, but I have no way of confirming the contents.

Vocals: 7/10

I really enjoy how the frontman makes it sound like the song is forcing its way out of him somehow. I think the audible rage within the performance meshes incredibly with the heavy, chaotic instrumentals.

Sound: 8/10

Beginning disorganized, the waves of sound quickly come together into really cohesive, really fucking good beat that absolutely entrances me through the entire song. It's forceful and heavy, and thoroughly enjoyable.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire (S3RL & Justinb Remix) - Disko Warp, Fright Ranger, S3RL, Justinb

I would have loved this in the height of my scene era, and I honestly still kind of fuck with it. You learn more about me from these reviews than you learn about the music.

Lyrics: 6/10

I love the cheese so much. The lyrics aren't groundbreaking, or really even that good, but I'll be goddamned if they're not nostalgic. This is the other side of the Furioso Melodia coin, where the middle school flashbacks don't shorten my lifespan.

Vocals: 6.5/10

Pitched up vocals my beloved. I don't think I could enjoy a song like this nearly as much without them.

Sound: 7/10

My most egregious score yet, as it's most certainly skewed by my own old person haze. There's something so deeply satisfying still, all these years later, about over-the-top blooping noises and drops that sound like the wheels on RC cars whirring against the immense strain of a living room carpet.

Final Rating: 6.5/10

TKOHHH - yaego

I'm absolutely baffled this song came out just last month at the time of writing. It's so deeply 2014 house in the best way possible. It sounds like something that would have inspired a present-day hyperpop artist in their early teen years.

Lyrics: —

Like with several of these songs, I can't find a trace of the lyrics anywhere and can only make out a couple words on my own.

Vocals: 7.5/10

A good mix of vocal samples exists in this song, all bouncing off of each other energetically. The voices used all sound great together on this track, all seemingly from older dance-pop songs that are entirely escaping me. It feels less like an artist combining what sounds good and more like an era reunion,

Sound: 9/10

Synths, strobelights, and that harsh, sizzling effect texturing the whole track. It's exactly what was sold to us as degenerate, viceful club music in the 2010's and I wouldn't change a single thing.

Final Rating: 8.5/10

Everytime We Touch (Nightcore & KYANU Edit) - Cascada

I know for a fact not a single miserable whelp reading this has listened to this song at a funeral. Do you know what it's like? Can you fucking fathom it? Can you fathom people making yaoi edits with the favoured song of a deceased relative? It's on me to continue the cycle.

Lyrics: 4/10

When you're actually paying attention, some of the lyrics are pretty rough. At our current point of media cannibalism, though, the amount of times I've heard this song in all concievable manners has turned the lyrical content into a fact of life. It's utterly inescapable, and we are all powerless to change it. Adapt or die.

Vocals: 6.5/10

Cascada's voice on its own is good, but I can also hardly even fathom it without de-nightcoring the vocals in my head and just approximating. This version of the song is perpetual. Oddly enough, this is one of the few instances where pitched up vocals don't retain their charm for me.

Sound: 6/10

There are a lot of those classic mid-2010's elements I love, like the dance breaks between verses and heavy, fuzzy drums, but I'm slowly becoming fatigued to this particular song. At the time, a decade ago now, it killed. It just struck me that I'm alone in my room listening to Cascada while my niece is being born.

Final Rating: 5.5/10

Breach - Saska

This one is hitting the same markers for me as TKOHHH, with the smooth, heavy wub-wubs and nostalgic 2014 dance house sound despite being from just this year. I adore the energy in this one.

Lyrics: 7/10

Combined with the sound, I'm clearly imagining some kind if sci-fi short story narrative of escaping an authoritarian space colony. "Time is on a leash" is a line that just fascinates me. There's not a ton of information given, or really many lyrics at all, but I feel like it handles implication well.

Vocals: 6.5/10

The vocals are masked under song texture and vocal effects, but I think they serve the song well. They're somewhat monotone on their own, but I think it lends well to the sound of the track.

Sound: 8.5/10

It's very akin to contemporary hyperpop, glitchpop, and speedcore I like, with very clear elements of influence from bygone electronic fads. The build and drop around the 2 minute mark felt genuinely satisying, and isn't something in many of the songs I frequent these days.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

BITE - Robopup

I'm only familiar with Robopup from one other song, program me, and so far that one remains my favorite. This song is yet another song the juggalette my ex cheated on me with would listen to, by no fault of Robopup, that crazy bitch was just obsessed with biting people and things in her environment to the point of damage or injury.

Lyrics: 3.5/10

Compliments first! I love how Robopup mixes English and Russian, I think it sounds awesome. Otherwise, if someone said these words to me I'd call animal control. I know I said I liked on-the-nose sexual content often in songs but something about this song specifically crosses some kind of incomprehensible line for me. Maybe it's the complete absence of innuendo? Either way, see attachment below for more guidance on mamaging this condition.

Vocals: 5/10

Robopup's vocals are pretty good, as I had expected coming into this, but something about how she lilts / lifts her voice a bit when shes singing "I could be a good girl" skeeves me the fuck out.

Sound: 5/10

It sounds kind of like that shit Corpse Husband was making a few years ago. I'm sure it could be alright in a different context, but the bassy warp-sound through the track feels like some kind of attempt at making a heavy, dark, sexy beat by the mathematical equations of non-human sentience attempting to venus flytrap people into a club-shaped laboratory.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

Corpse - TotalDeadCenter

It feels like a song that would play during stages in a beat-em-up game like River City Girls or Streets of Rage 4.

Lyrics: —

The lack of lyrics absolutely lends well to this one. It heightens that video game soundtrack feel.

Vocals: —

Also none to speak of, pure beep boops as God intended.

Sound: 7.5/10

I really like the video game feel, with the Atari-esque sound effects and focus-inducing beat. It's not likely going to be a song I frequent, but for right now I'm thoroughly enjoying this one.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Blowjob Queen - Only Fire

This is the second song I've refused to loop. Auspicious times. The fucked up terrifying homonculous on the cover warned me it would be bad, but I was incapable of predicting manmade horrors beyond our comprehension awaited me. This should count as a form of cruel and unusual punishment, and the only fire present for its inceptor shall be the volley of a firing squad.

Lyrics: 1/10

"Sucked his dick so good he proceeded to sex me" I wish the rapture happened. Don't fucking talk to me right now.

Vocals: 1/10

Literally the default feminine TTS voice forced to say "just feed me some nut". I'm at a loss.

Sound: 1/10

Just basic ass wub-wubs and Baby's First House Song effects with an overpoweringly loud voiceover of this abused voicebot speaking evil.

Final Rating: 1/10

my body my software - joanna ⋆ ✩

This one is bringing me back to Corpse by TotalDeadCenter, which would have flowed nicely into this one if an aberration hadn't manifested.

Lyrics: —

Another song where the lack of lyrics allows the breat to truly breathe.

Vocals: —

No vocal samples are present, again lending a very environmental quality to the track, something that colours your existing experience rather than telling you anything in particular to zero in on.

Sound: 7.5/10

This also sounds very specifically like something from River City Girls, particularly like a boss stage track. It's energetic and urgent, and the addition of a keyboard into the mix a minute or so in is a great extra level of complexity.

Final Rating: 7.5/10

Dead Lazers - Kap Bambino

This one gets me because it really could be good if it didn't feel so utterly tryhard. There's a very clear vision and goal that go completely whiffed on. Kap has obvious potential, but desperately needs better producers and lyricists to escape sounding like a Mindless Self Indulgence copycat who gets buried in her own mix.

Lyrics: 3/10

"I have the fucking the fucking speed" knocked me out completely when I was trying to give it a serious listen. The entire body of the lyrics feels like someone trying to paint a picture of an environment the same way Block by clipping. does, but failing spectacularly by virture of not being Daveed Diggs.

Vocals: 3/10

I'd love to hear her sing while not completely entombed by this beat and screaming to be heard overtop of it. I think her voice is probably alright if I had to hazard a guess, and I like her accent, but good lord I cannot make her out at all.

Sound: 3.5/10

The part at the end where Kap stops singing is the best part, unfortunately, but even then it sound like the electronic texture MSI gave their music. Screechy and abrasive like a zipper, with little to no substance or competent production to salvage it.

Final Rating: 3/10

The Solace of Oblivion - Helblinde

Other than the cover looking like a dogwhistle, the entirely separate terror of edgelord music engulfed me quickly after the initial terror of white european nationalism, and now they both abide within me in some sort of brotherhood.

Lyrics: 2/10

Some Lovecraftian inane ramblings, by which I mean to dunk directly on Lovecraft himself for his gravel brained mouth breathing. This reads like a transcript in an SCP001 fanfic, and now that I've made that connection I won't be able to conceptualize it as anything else.

Vocals: 3/10

Über-deep breathy masculine voice saying things at me while a music box plin-plons in the background. Slap some shoebox creepy elements together and you get creepypastacore.

Sound: 2.5/10

The best I can describe it is incoherent and inconsistent. The first minute make some sense, then there's a... jaw harp in the mix? Then it continues like nothing happened while Sauron over here says more freak shit. Dookie dog cheeks all over the board, man.

Final Rating: 2.5/10

Women Respond to Bass - Sextile

Not something I'd listen to on my own, but really not bad if you're looking to fill up a party playlist. From what I can tell, Sextile is just full tilt 2010's party thumpers, and I can respect the dedication to the niche.

Lyrics: 4/10

They're pretty meager and honestly a little juvenile, but absolutely no one listening to this song as intended is even gonna hear whatever the fuck is going on. While they subtract from my personal enjoyment, it's not even for me to begin with and the song itself is nowhere near bad enough for me to be mad about that.

Vocals: 4/10

The vocal performance is entirely spoken, and while she doesn't have an unpleasant voice to listen to, I feel like it's a bit of a missed opportunity in a song like this not to chop it up somehow. Similar to, yet not as egregious as Dead Lazers, the vocals feeling like an identifiably separate channel guts a lot of my enjoyment with the track.

Sound: 5/10

Pretty standard party thumper track, pulling out all of the stops of any late 2010's EDM song. I'm still going to kick my feet and piss my pants over how the vocals sit separately from the beat, when the delivery begs to be Frankenstein'd.

Final Rating: 4.5/10

MAGENTA POTION (xaev Remix) - EmoCosine, xaev

Off the bat, the pitched up vocals have raised the final score for me. I was a little skeptical at first because it just really didn't sound up my alley, but it grew on me significantly on my second listen. It's smooth, charming, and bubbly. I have no clue what temporary brain disease I accquired to dislike this.

Lyrics: 5/10

They're very simple, but they get the job done. I had to go over to the original version to find them, which I unfortunately do somewhat dislike, but I think the lyrics themselves are inoffensive and hold a consistent narrative. Parsing them in the remix isn't much of an issue, though, since they're only easy to make out for the first 20 or so seconds before the beat really kicks in.

Vocals: 6.5/10

Nightcore, my beloved, has wronged me exceedingly few times. I won't subject you to my tenth spurt of rambling about it, but know this mercy is rare and you will suffer again by my hands in only a matter of time.

Sound: 7.5/10

I love how funky the sound of this is, on top of the twinkly mix and brain-scratching repetition. It's such a great one to end on, in my opinion, with this contagious energy that leaves me feeling genuinely satisfied having reached it.

The song starts immediately with a dull ass beat and J. Cole briefly describing the progression of a relationship between him and a girl.

“She like my kick game

And when you know me, you don’t kick game

I put her front row at the Knick game

Now she in my phone with a nickname”

Unfortunately for us all, after a line where it seems like he’s actively trying to come up with said nickname because he’s just saying “it’s, it’s, ummm”, he tells us that she’s down in his phone as Grippy. Why? Don’t worry, he guides us through his thought process, just in case we were lost.

“Grippy, I call her that ‘cause it’s grippy”

What else, Jermaine?

“She thick in the hips, she a hippie

And she thick in the lips, she gon’ lick me”

-

“When she see me, she say she gon’ strip me

She gon’ chew on this stick like it’s Wrigley’s”

I don’t want to know that, Jermaine.

I don’t know why he thought this next bar would be a reasonable thing to say, but he also just said he wanted Grippy to gnaw on his wood like a beaver so I think dude was just operating on some real hell dimension vibes.

“She said she was gay until I slayed

Now she strictly dickly”

There’s no bars of noteworthy ass past this point from J. Grippy pages him and he hits 150 to get there, running Hollywood Cole a $100 base fine for speeding if the Grippyverse takes place in Cali. He has a Grippepiphany. We learn that Grippy is wet. Cole introduces Sabrina and Tiffany and they only pass one third of the Bechdel test. After he states that he “tryna see how that glove gon’ fit” (this is what OJ died for) and that he “wanna feel like [he] touchin’ [Grippy’s] kidneys”, he offers to take her kids to Disney.

That was utterly terrible, but we’re not done. You fucking buffoons have sorely neglected the real villain of this track: Cash Cobain.

“I wanna kill it like rest in peace

Eat on that pussy like it was a recipe”

So far, not worse than Grippy. A real Trojan Horse of pussy verses. How bad could it get?

We have a brief respite while Cash fucking rambles while saying random women’s names, but then he throws us one of his best bars on the song:

“You piss my bitches off like a potty”

More woman rambling. He wants to make Jess a mess, he has something he must confess, he wants to see her undress and is about to send her his address. He wants to fuck Millie ‘til she’s dizzy, and wants her to “suck it sloppy, make it spitty”. Finally, while still addressing poor Spitty Millie, he delivers his magnum opus:

That’s all lots of unpack, and we can truly only scratch the surface. The Grippyverse is immense, and I was certainly overwhelmed by Marvel-level character buildup clogging the narrative artery. Grippy, Sabrina, Tiffany, Destiny (rest in peace), Pregnancy Scare Shanti, Zari, Mia, Jada, Mash Potatoes Kayla, Good Vagina China, Shy Niyah, Toni Macaroni, Polisher Lexi and a possible second Destiny, Marni and her immense conflict, Jess the Mess, and Spitty Millie are all introduced in the freakiest fucking four minute role call I’ve heard to date. How do they relate to each other, if at all? We know the first three are friends, as Cole state’s he thought the whole clique was bad but liked Grippy the best. Are the two Destiny’s aware of each other? Did Polisher Destiny murk Destiny Rest In Peace to take her place? Why doesn’t Cash want to talk to Marni? What did she do to piss off bitches like a potty? Why is the beat so fucking boring?

I haven’t touched on how the song sounds. It sounds the same. The whole song sounds like a trickle of consistent noise. The beat is boring as shit and remains boring as shit the whole run. I listened to the song a few times to really get a feel and kept forgetting it was on once I began to ignore the lyrics.

The one ounce of joy I derived from this song were the initial Genius annotations that were later replaced by people just desperately trying to make sense of this pile of wet sawdust by explaining the potty bar, and what a pager was. “UNC FREAKY” was a much better thing to read than exposition on why Jermaine Lamarr Cole immortalized some poor woman as Grippy, which was readily evident within context.

My Final Rating of Grippy

Lyrics: 2/10

One point awarded for the potty bar. I won’t explain myself. Another point awarded out of respect for Destiny Rest In Peace (peace be upon her, Amen)

Vocals: 5/10

Literally just so average. Nothing special and nothing terrible, and just not worth giving anything other than an average score.

Sound: 5/10

Once again just so infuriatingly bland. Absolutely nothing special about it whatsoever, for better or worse.

Overall Score

Averaging my numbers equals out to

But I will not tarnish my good name by rating this hot bowl of mac n cheeks so high, so it gets a