#dr3ws0ph

I don’t really know what you want me to tell you?  How I’m doing?  How I am feeling?  What do I really want to say about the situation?  It’s shit, that’s all I can say.  It’s fucked up how everything seems fine but that’s the thing about life right?  It’s the thing about a coin as they say there are two sides.  Was everything alright?  I’d like to think so but then again at the same time I don’t really fucking know.  That’s the thing about trust is that you have to trust what other people are telling you even when you don’t know if it’s a lie or not.  They may say everything is fine when really it isn’t because they don’t want to worry you or they don’t want to hurt you but that’s also the thing about relationships is communication.  A relationship is not going to work unless there is communication with one another.  Telling each other your faults, what you need to work on and you work on it together.  That’s how you make a relationship work right?  You help one another with what each of you are lacking and fuck yes it hurts.  Sure it wasn’t long but who gives a shit how long it is?  Why don’t you give a little kid a chocolate and they’re happy as hell and then 2 minuets later you take it away.  Within those 2 minuets it felt like a lifetime to that kid.  They thought of how it would taste, how they would eat it.  How they would feel full after eating it and now you took it and that entire plan is ruined.  Of course they’re going to be sad and of course I am sad about the entire situation so fuck stop asking me if I am okay because the answer is yes.  The answer is always going to be yes.  I will always tell you I am alright, I will always tell you I am fine or I am doing okay or that it’s whatever because I don’t want to worry you.  It’s my own feelings, my own problems and I will deal with them just like I deal with them every fucking day of my life.  Just like I will deal with them every fucking day of my future because they will always be with me.  Do you want me to tell you how I really feel because at this moment I can tell you in 10 different ways and that’s just going up and down as each second passes.  It’s shit, the situation is shit and of course I don’t like it.  Being told that it would be unfair to me?  Being told that the other person is going to be busy to talk to me or interact with me so they want to break up without talking to me about it first.  Without even trying to face the problem together like a couple fucking should, like how an actual relationship should work out?  If it was my decision I would say fuck it.  Saying that you’re going to be to busy for me just makes me pissed and it just sounds like a fucking excuse.  As if you just don’t like me the way you use to when you sent that text to me saying you were not planning on leaving at all.  Like when you kissed me goodbye before you left back for college.  So no I don’t believe that the real reason is what you said in the text message.  I’ve been cheated on before, I’ve been lied to before and this entire situation just seems perfect for it but then again at the same time I really don’t fucking know.  I don’t fucking know if it is the truth or not so I am just going to have to trust you.  Trust the person that just broke up with me that they are not lieing to my face so it doesn’t hurt as much and that’s what will get me through this.  That is exactly why I am going to be okay because that is what I am going to believe in.  I am just going to believe that you are just to busy and that’s it’s to hard on you to continue this relationship with me but fuck how hard it’s on me right?  Fuck what I’m dealing with while you’re gone right?  It’s not like you’re the only one that is having a hard time with this entire situation but at least I was willing to try.  If I was not willing to try I would have never asked you out.  I would have never asked you out on a date or to be my girlfriend because I knew what was coming.  I knew that this was going to be hard on the both of us, that we would have to try to make it work out and apparently I was the only one trying or wait I’m sorry there is another option.  I’m sorry I wasn’t worth trying hard enough like he apparently was because you know a few states over is a lot further than just 3 simple hours.  There is a big difference between what an 18 hour drive and a 3 or at least I would like to think there is a big difference but I guess I wasn’t worth trying that hard for huh?  One week and you were done, you gave up?  So yes it’s going to hurt and yes I’m going to think of all of this because that’s how my mind works and then I start to think about me.  I start to think again if this was all something I did.  Did I not come on to you enough?  Did I not call or text you enough?  Did I not try to open to you enough?  I don’t fucking know and that’s why it sucks because if I get with someone else who is to say I wont fuck everything up like this again?  Who is to say I won’t make a mistake somehow that I don’t understand and everything is going to crash like it is now?  I just don’t understand.  I don’t understand and at the same time I tell myself I do.  I will believe in what you texted me because that’s all I can believe in right now.  I told you from the beginning that school is more important.  I told you from the beginning that I didn’t want to hinder you when it came to school and the fact that you’re saying you’re breaking up with me because school is to busy I just have to respect that decision because it’s what I told you to do in a way.  No matter how much I believe that I should be the one to choose if I put myself in a fair or unfair position, I will believe what you said.  You’re just trying your best in school and that’s what I want you to do.  Of course that’s what I still want you to do because of course I still like you.  The feeling of liking you is not going to go away in a few minuets like it was nothing.  I will just get over it because that’s the way life works.  Life is shit and I will deal with it.  I will get over it and move on and keep doing me because all I do is fuck up relationships somehow and I will just sit here, listening to my music and thinking to myself how people do it.  How do two people come together and work things out.  How do two people have the ability to communicate with one another to make things work out between them.  How do two people find each other, someone that is willing to try in a relationship.  Someone that is willing to try for the other no matter how hard it may be because they like them that much.  How do people find someone that likes them enough to do that, to build a relationship and make it work because relationships are never perfect yet when two people work together at it, it works out because they try, because they put their all into it.  How does someone find someone like that?  I’m asking for a friend of course, remember I’m alright.  I’m okay why would I be asking for myself?  I’m all good, I’ll be alright and I’ll work things out myself, I’m just asking for a friend.  A friend that doesn’t really fucking know.

I don’t know how to start this nor do I know how to end this.  I honestly don’t know how to even type this out, how to vent this because I’m so use to this feeling.  The feeling of wanting to throw up when even if I do so nothing will happen, nothing will change.  Nothing will change oh how I wish I could say that about life.  Life the thing that always changes, not change?  In some cases it would be wonderful while in others, hell.  I wanted to hold on to your words, I wanted to believe that things would work out.  When you said you were not leaving and had no plans on leaving I wanted to believe that, I truly did.  I wanted to hold on to those words with my last breath and I guess in the end it’s a good thing I didn’t hold on.  I guess it was a good thing that I didn’t hold my breath for this relationship just like I haven’t held my breath for any of my past relationships.  You say that it would be unfair to me, that you’re going to be to busy but the way I see it is shouldn’t I be the one to make that choice.  Shouldn’t I be the one to make the choice if it is unfair to me or not because who are you to tell me what is fair and what isn’t fair.  It wouldn’t be fair to me yet breaking up with me is fair when I thought everything was going good.  I knew it was going to be hard, I knew it was going to cause some problems here and there with you being away at college and I knew what I was getting into yet I still wanted to at least try.  I still wanted to at least put myself out there for you but I guess I was the only one trying but then again was I?  I didn’t want to bother you so I didn’t text you, I didn’t want to interrupt your studying or your homework so I didn’t call you because I knew how important this school is to you, I know how much you want to do this and I didn’t want to be the one to be a hindrance to you.  Should I have texted you more?  Should I have called you every time something made me think of you?  Was I not open enough in the relationship or is it because i’m fat?  Is it because I still live with my mother at 24 because I help take care of her since she’s been sick my entire life?  I only ask any of this because I’ve fucked up relationships before, I always find a way to fuck up a relationship in the past and your explanation to me of why we should break up just is not believable to me.  What did I do wrong?  How did I fuck this one up because I honestly don’t understand how I fuck up relationships yet I would like to know.  I would like to know why it didn’t seem as much that you tried.  You could have texted me just as much, you could have called me just as much.  It only takes a minuet to send 1 simple text message, to keep in touch with someone and you’ve been gone back to college for 1 week and is it that hard to keep in touch with someone with just one week?  What did that last time our lips touched before you drove off even mean to you?  Did you mean it or were you already thinking of how you could break up with me?  I won’t lie, yeah it hurts, of course it’s going to hurt when you care about someone and they break up with you no matter how long you’ve dated.  Just the fact that you’ve cared about them will make it hurt but it’s okay.  Like I said I’m use to it.  I’m use to fucking up relationships somehow and I’m use to not holding my breath for a relationship.  I’m use to not holding my breath for a lot of things.  I guess it just was not suppose to work out and you know what that’s okay.  I’m not going to be mad, I’m going to live my life and go to work and pay my bills just like I have always done because life is always changing just like feelings.  I will be alright, I have been from the past times it happened.  In a way I am happy that we broke up honestly.  I’m happy that you could tell after being gone for a week that I would be a hindrance to you in some way or another throughout your college life and you choose to stop it now because you should focus on college.  Your education is more important just like I told you and at least I can say I tried.  I tried to keep it going and even though it was going to be hard, even though I knew it was going to be unfair to me I still wanted to try and like I said at least I did just that.  A summer fling, a rebound, I guess that was all that I was.  I’ll be okay though and I just hope you will to.  I hope you’ll be just fine and that you pay attention in school and that you do what you want to do for the future because you deserve it.  I will be fine and I hope you will too. -Your “friend”

Fuck, why does it still hurt. Why does it still pain me when I remember something of you. Why can't I get over it however I guess I know that answer. I love you, I loved you since the day I met you as a baby and I loved you when you quietly passed away while I was upstairs. I loved you, I loved that I was the only one allowed to call you Jean and not Harry. I loved that you were there for me when I needed to speak to someone. I loved that you joked about me changing my last name to yours. I loved that you showed me so many things about life. I loved that you always loved me no matter what I did, what I chose to do in life. I loved that you respected my decision to no longer go to church. I loved that you helped me and housed me for my parents when they asked. I loved you, no I'm sorry that's wrong. I love you. I miss you and even though it hurts when I think of you I am also happy to have those memories. Happy that you were a major part of my life. Happy that I can remember all of these memories of you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have not visited. I'm sorry that I didn't come downstairs to see you when my aunt told me the news. I'm sorry that I didn't cry. I'm sorry but thank you. Thank you for everything. August is always a hard month for me. Remembering that you left me this month. Remembering that I didn't cry this month and that it was one of the darkest months I had. That I ignored a lot of people, keeping to myself to help me accept it.

How to eat the booty by my friends

Recently I have been feeling this feeling and honestly I don’t know why.  I don’t even know what to call this feeling.  Depression?  Anxiety? Hopefulness?  I don’t understand it and all it does it just keep eating at my heart.  In a way I feel as if I am losing a sense of self, a sense of clarity of who it is I am.  What I like, what I don’t, what I do in life and my daily routine.  Everything in this world is changing around us, everything is moving, growing, becoming something new, something that it wasn’t before.  I feel in a way as if I am being left behind, I am being forgotten and not being included in the things happening around me either it be with friends or with work or with family.  I even feel as if I am not including myself in things that I even do, as if I am leaving a majority of myself behind.  Pushed back into the back of my head to stay and rot.  I just want to say that I am here.  I am me.  I am a human being that goes by the name Drew and I am who I am.  I like coffee, various food, anime and music.  I like to write, sometimes draw.  I enjoy talking about bigger things than just the weather or how work was, I enjoy adventure and discovering new things.  Although I may be changing just like everything else, liking something one day and the next maybe even going far enough to say I hate it, I am still me.  I am who I am and change is something that I may not always like yet something I can never escape from.  I feel as if I just need to let everyone know that I am me, I am somebody in this world full of somebodies.  What makes me special you may ask, what makes me different from the billions of other somebodies on this planet?  Well the only answer I can give to that is because I am me and there may be other people like me in personality or even in outer appearance but I am different because there is no one else exactly like me.

I honestly just don’t understand.  We are raised throughout life being told we should find someone to marry one day.  To find someone so we can have kids one day and understand what our parents have gone through as well as their parents and so forth.  I just don’t understand why there is so much pressure about it.  So I’m single again and I’m confused if it is a good thing or not.  The entire break up still confuses me.  I mean are relationships really that hard?  Is school so difficult that you literally have to put all of your focus on it?  Growing up I dated people while still going to school.  I dated people while I still had a job.  Hell, I dated people while I was working and going to school at the same time.  Relationships are not always about good times, they’re not always about living a perfect life.  Having issues, having problems, fears, anxiety, it is a human thing.  It is our nature, and to me relationships are about getting through the tough times with one another.  It’s about knowing that while you’re going to class, while you’re going to work you know that there is someone rooting for you.  There is someone that is behind you and there to support you every step of the way.  Is it so hard to go to class and study and have a relationship at the same time?  It is so hard to go to work and make money and have a relationship at the same time?  I just feel lost, unwanted, sad, depressed and honestly I just think it is because of the way it happened.  The last time that I had really liked someone they told me they wanted to focus on school so I told them I would wait for them.  a year later out of nowhere they tell me that they started talking to someone a prior to the message and told me that I’m still one of their best friends.  Then a week later they got together with that person...So in the end you could have had a relationship and focused on school at the same time so what was wrong with me?  What did I do or didn’t do?  Now, I’m being told that we should be friends for right now because they want to focus on school?  The only thing that runs through my mind when I hear that is that I did something.  I know that you can have a relationship and go to school at the same time.  I know that you’re able to work and have a relationship at the same time, so what did I do wrong?  What did I do or what did I not do?  Was I really that bad of a boyfriend?  As I said before relationships are about working through tough times, about compromising with one another.  About being there for one another when they need help or anything.  So now I am sitting here, drinking coffee and listening to music while the only feeling I can think of describing how I am at the moment is “eh”.  The only thing I am thinking right now is what did I do wrong this time?  I say all of this but in the end I know everything will be alright.  People love, people break up, people get hurt, people move on.  Yeah, I still love the girl.  There is always the possibility of us actually getting back together one day once she has finished school or the possibility that we could get back together in the next few days.  You never know what the future holds for you, you never know what will happen tomorrow.  The only thing that you do know is that tomorrow will come, either you’re happy, single, taken, sad, anything.  Tomorrow will always come.  Life will always go on.  It’s life, you never know what is going to happen so I’ll be alright.  I hope things do work out and me and her do get back together but at the same time you never know what will happen.  It’s life and it’s going to go on with or without you.

So I don’t remember the last time I made an update so I’ll just start from forever ago. Got a job at Waffle House and have currently been working there now for 8 maybe 9 months now, something like that. My best friend from Pennsylvania wants to move here to Indiana with me. I’ve invited him before but nothing turned out from it and now he is saying that there is nothing left for him in PA and he needs to get out. He wants to get out more than anything and I would love for him to move here with me. Getting an apartment with him and being able to see him again and hang with him again whenever would honestly be amazing but there are to many problems it seems. A few months ago my dad had talked to me about getting an operation done. The one where they fold your stomach fat in half. For the past 3 years I have not been able to gain or even lose weight. No matter how much I had started working out and no matter how much I started eating right for however long nothing would happen. I would stay around the same 10 pounds. In-between 280 and 290. No matter how much I ate or anything I would stay within that weight. I know my dad is just worrying about my future. Not wanting me to have a heart attack in my 30s and stuff but honestly I still don’t know of I should or not. I’m scared. I don’t know if I should try it, a 6 month pre diet and then the operation which would put me out of work for a while and then having to stay on a strict diet plan or else I’d become bigger than I already am? I just don’t know and no matter how much I think about it and no matter how much I talk to my friends about it I just keep coming to the same conclusion. I’m scared and I don’t know. My car has been screwing up on me so many different times these past couple months and thankfully still living with my mom she’s been able to help me but honestly I feel so bad about it. I’m a 22 year old man that still lives with his mom. Granted I moved to Muncie to help her out since she is always sick but honestly I feel as if she is helping me out more than anything else. I want to try to go back to college. I want to try to further my education but at the same time I honestly still don’t know what it is I want to do. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life career wise and I just feel like shit for it. Looking at all of my other friends as they’re graduating college and getting apartments and stuff and getting new cars the only thing I can think of is where the hell did they get the money for that? I owe 5,000 dollars to college because of a screw up that they didn’t tell me about until the end of the first semester which fucked me over. Granted I still can apply for FASFA but now my credit is fucked and honestly I just don’t know where to start. My car finally screwed up on me for the last time and now I need to save around 3000 to fix it because honestly that is cheaper than getting a new one. So now I’m stuck using my mom’s car granted she can’t drive at the moment from surgery but when she is healed enough to drive then what? My mom and sister have their own life, their own stuff to do. I can’t just keep taking the car when I have to work or go out to see friends all day on the very few days I get off. I just feel worthless most of the time. I’m a 22 year old guy who still lives with his mom and works at Waffle House with bad credit and owes 5000 dollars. I feel as if I’m going nowhere in life and it just sucks and depresses me and yeah….Now as of yesterday I even fucked up with my dad and sister. For personal reasons my dad was stopping by in Indiana for 1 night and wanted to see his daughter and son. Nothing wrong with that. The problem is I had just worked a 17 hour shift and had stayed up all the day without sleep doing my own things that I had already planned prior to knowing my dad is coming and guess who fell asleep. Guess who didn’t pick up his sister and go see their dad since we don’t get to see him for Christmas, especially after all of the personal stuff that is recently happening with him. So not being able to see us, I guess I ruined his trip and I also made my sister cry who was looking forward to seeing her dad. I fell asleep and all I can say for it is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m a fuck up of a son going no where in life. I’m sorry that I’m a fuck up of a brother that you don’t want to turn out like. It just makes me feel like even more shit on top of everything and I just want to say fuck everything and just move away, far away where literally no one has ever heard of my name or my family and literally just get a redo of life. Granted all of this bad shit is happening and me being depressed and stuff there are still good things that have been happening in life to me. I got in contact with my oldest childhood friend and her and I started talking a little again. Granted a lot has changed with the both of us but it’s nice to talk to someone who you use to talk to everyday. Someone you hung out with everyday. My friends are still the best ever. Being there for me at times when I need them. Understanding that I do need some alone time to myself just to think. Always there for me to hype me up and honestly I couldn’t ask for any better friends. Another new thing is that I met someone. Started talking and now I have a girlfriend which as of December 30th will be 2 months. I feel bad with all of the shit she has to put up with me because I know I’m not easy to deal with. I know I’m an asshole, I know I can be insensitive at times and not think about what I say at first and surprising she is still with me. Honestly she doesn’t understand how much she has helped me in these past two months. Granted I still can’t open up to her as much as she would like for me to but that’s a problem with me and my past that I am slowly getting over. It honestly takes me forever to say that I love someone and surprisingly it didn’t take long at all with her. She is different and I don’t know how or why but just talking to her puts me in a better mood. Hearing her voice makes me happier. Seeing her texts when she texts me makes me smile like a huge goof. I love her and she has slowly helped me more and more each day and I don’t know how I can thank her enough. I don’t know how I can show her how much she has helped me and how happier she makes me. So with life right now I would say it’s shit, but clean shit. My best friend wants to get an apartment with me, which I honestly want to but if I get this operation done it will screw us both over for rent when I can’t work for an amount of time. So honestly staying with my mom until the operation is the best choice. I still don’t know where to go or even what to do with my life. I have a shit car, debt still, bad credit but I still have amazing friends by my side that I couldn’t ask for any better and I have a beyond amazing girlfriend that I don’t know how to thank and I honestly hope things work out with this one. Life is life, and the only thing you can do is look on the bright side and I guess that’s what I’ll keep on doing. If you read all of this thanks for giving a shit about me. Again sorry for the long post.