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It was a great experience and opportunity to be with these international preachers Pastor Doug Batchelor and Pastor Lowell Hargreaves and to hear word of God from them was a really blessed sabbath! #seventhdayadventistchristian #dougbatchelor #lowellhargreaves #sda #sabbathselfie #prophecycountdown #amazingfacts (at Cuneta Astrodome, Pasay City)
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Happy sabbath! 😀 #sabbath2015 #seventhdayadventistchurch #seventhdayadventistchristian #amazingfacts #dougbatchelor
The dangers of female ordination become a reality
Photo By: Lara Schneider
Wallanooga, Washington - Hours after Laura Langley was ordained as the first female pastor at Wallanooga Adventist Church, she “completely lost her mind,” sources say.
“Pastor” Laura is well-known in the Wallanooga Adventist community as a prominent voice in support for women’s ordination. According to sources, “Pastor” Laura completely lost it during her first meeting as a pastor. “Pastor” Laura allegedly spoke without being spoken to, and disagreed with her level-headed male counterparts during a meeting. “She just totally went nuts! We tried to change her mind, but she just had her own opinions,” says Pastor John Deerkill. “This is exactly what we were afraid of: a woman who just can’t control her emotions.”
This isn’t the first time “Pastor” Laura has shown disobedience to her male superiors. Youth pastor Stephen Recks describes her as, “insubordinate, unsubmissive, and too outspoken.”
“Pastor” Laura is being held at the Doug Batchelor Center for Unruly Women for examination. Pastor Doug Batchelor says, “this is precisely what I’ve been warning people for years! Today it’s ‘Pastor Laura’, tomorrow it’s ‘Pastor Suzie’ in your church. It’s just a matter of time before they demasculinize us men, and take our well-paying jobs.”
Adventist youth event fails to attract any young Adventists
Taints, Texas - Adventist youth leaders are stunned after absolutely no young Adventists showed up to youth event. Eunice Shrewsbury, the 85-year-old director of Adventist Youth of the Southern American Division of the Adventist Church is flabbergasted.
“After all the planning that was done,” says Mrs. Shrewsbury, “no Adventist youth showed up to our event. I hired the best known Adventist evangelists who can reach out to our dear young people: from the beloved Mark Finley, to world-renowned expert on women’s issues Doug Batchelor.”
Mrs. Shrewsbury, while unwrapping her hard candy, continues talking to The Daily Haystacks, exclusively. “I feel like I’ve tried everything! From passing out flyers to our young people at the bingo tournaments, to buying ads on AOL.com, and even placing pamphlets at my local Blockbuster. Nothing seems to get young people excited!”
Mrs. Shrewsbury is not the only one who’s shocked. Associate director of Adventist Youth of the Southern American Division, Lloyd Wolverhampton expresses his concerns: “We bought the most handsome posters, and hung up the most special banners we bought just for the young kids, but no luck." The 79-year-old retiree applies Bengay to his tired hands, while adding, “young people should really be looking to us for spiritual guidance.”
The nursing home who helped cater the event, proving Jell-o, mashed potatoes, and SPAM stews, declined to comment. Mr. Shrewsbury says she will try again. “The only thing I can’t risk is asking young people to help organize the youth event. I, and my fellow Adventist colleagues, feel that they are not mature enough to handle this type of commitment. They really are lucky to have us as their leaders.”
