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forced agere is everything to me… somebody giving me no choice but to give up every ounce of control that i cling to, to them? being able to do absolutely nothing but watch as they take over, turning me into something so tiny that i couldn’t possibly do anything for myself, nothing that a big girl would be able to do, at least. yesss please
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being denied the ability to do easy tasks just because mommy says that i’m ‘too small’ is such a sweet thought.
even the most simplest of things, like reaching up to grab a glass out of the kitchen cupboards, just to be met with a quiet “uh uh, sweetpea, let mommy help you with that, please. these glasses were expensive baby, and i think that my girl is far too little to be trusted with them right now, hm?” ohmygod it would make me feel so shy i think i’d melt on the spot. bonus points if she ends up filling a sippy cup for me instead of the glass that i was going for in the first place.
thinking about camping with a mama, getting to do stuff like helping her set up the tent whilst i try not to get toooo hot and bothered. going off in the woods to collect sticks for her to light us a fire, i’d be such a good little stick collector :( sitting patently by said fire with my favourite plushie as she cooks for us n thenn staying up way past my bedtime with her (just as a little treat!!) and giggling away in our tent together, all bundled up whilst making animal shadows with our flashlights omgomg. imagine waking up together n just watching the world go by through the eyes of the forest. i need plsplspls
night time is often a struggle for me, i find it very hard to unwind, to put my imagination and anxieties to bed. as i lay here now, i can’t help but think of what it would be like if i got to lay down with a mommy and i wonder if it would be easier to relax.
laying in her arms with my head on her chest, the sound of her heartbeat helping my brain create a steady pace for relaxation. i’d most likely fight it at first, my evidently exhausted voice trying to keep conversation going in hopes to delay sleep, gently being shushed by mommy each time. maybe she could tickle my arm, too.. or i could tickle hers, i find that focusing on soft, repetitive hand motions usually help my mind let go of the bigger thoughts.
slow mornings with mama… embracing the silence of each others sleepy states as we wake, the soft sun casting a welcoming glow around us. maybe i could sit at the table patiently as she prepares our breakfast, a sippy cup of warm milk to my left that she keeps reminding me is quickly cooling down as my focus is stolen by the drawing pad in front of me.
we’d talk about the dreams that we had last night and the type of day we’d want to have ahead of us, maybe we need to run some errands or maybe we’d like to go out and do something for the day, maybe we both want to stay in today and take it by the hour. i’m extremely content with whatever we end up doing, as long as i’m with her.
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as much as the much darker winter months are my favourite of all seasons, these recent days of bright skies as i go to bed makes me feel so tiny… it gives a similar sense of going to sleep as a child somehow, a very specific memory of drifting off to the sound of grownups talking amongst themselves in a distant room as the warmth of the day becomes subtle in my sunlit room, or like settling down for an afternoon nap after a long morning of running around in uncut grass and wildflowers.
one thing about me is that i will be pretending i’m still sound asleep once we arrive back home after a long car journey, just so i can hear the “wake up my sleepy girl, we’re home!! come help your mommy unload the car and then we can make you something nice for lunch, yeah?”
small secrets hidden around the house for mommy & i…
as much as i adore the idea of collecting gear for my regression, and things that mama could use as well, the thought of anything being on display for visitors and guests to find does sound quite frightening to me…
thinking about kitchen cupboards of stacked ceramic bowls and glass cups, blocking sight to the much smaller, more childish kitchenware placed behind them. sippy cups and baby bottles with pretty patterns holding space next to coloured divider plates and plastic bowls, covered in vintage illustrations. a kitchen drawer, housing bunched cutlery made from materials that would be much softer on teeth, paired with packets of dried fruits and nuts for snack time.
of course most of our plushies would have to be on display somewhere amongst our bedroom, but an arranged collection of other self soothers could be contained in the dresser and closet, though the neatness of their placements would probably become more disorganised the more that they’re taken out for use. a variety of pacis (some decorated with gems and stickers, others simple in their plain colours), boxed toys- an array of wooden montessori-like puzzles, fictional figures and tea sets. a family of infantile plushies that bring comfort when i am feeling smaller, or those that can be there for mommy when she needs them, too. maybe ones with a secret message when you press the hand, or the heart.
a locked cabinet under the bathroom sink, housing things like toys for a running bath, softer shampoo that is gentle on the eyes, baby powder, scented oils & lotions and packs of pullups. perhaps if i am too sleepy to play during bath time, mommy could sit close by and read me a story instead. picking a book together from the living room bookshelves, reaching behind the mature novels and informative non-fiction reads to find rows of picture books containing many types of narratives. i would be a very good listener, if she were to read to me.
