#dorianmage

16. if you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

Short answer is, no. 

Long answer is, too many things in my past have defined me. Both the negative ones (dear daddy’s neglect, mother’s stress, stepfather and stepmother’s emotional abuse, bullying from friends, gender and sexuality confusion, being cheated on etc) and the positive ones (constantly being told my parents are proud of me and how wanted i am, positive feedback for the things I created, taking care of my dog, travelling early, being encouraged to pursue my dreams, generally being accepted for my sexuality and gender fluidity etc). So if even one thing was different, everything else would have. I might have listened to my grandma and become a vet or an Olympic athlete in Taekwon-do, I might have gone to drama school, I might have never transitioned, who knows.

The point is, I’m happy with the way I turned out. I’m not perfect, and I wish parts of me were different, but I believe it’s important to work for that, and I’ve come a long way. So who cares, really? I’m good.

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

The Sound of Silence (Disturbed version)Wait for itI am Moana

30. pick one of your favorite quotes.

My forever favourite quote out of anything ever is

Freedom is a length of rope; God wants you to hang yourself with it.

And because I’m having Terry Pratchett feelings have some more:

“In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.” 

“It's not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing it.”

The first attempt turned out so viciously self-hating that I had to delete it because even I know not all of that was true.

What is the truth though is that I am 1000% capable of being a horrible human being. I’d say more often than not I am actually a horrible human being, either by carelessness or by being so wrapped up in my own problems that I fail to see other people’s struggles. I am sloppy and envious, arrogant and negative and I can be so manipulative, petty and bitchy.

The truth is I’m exhausted and frustrated. I don’t really have a grip on my emotions either. I say careless things I regret later on and I really don’t know how much of that is apparent to other people. I really don’t know how other people see me.

I do want to try to get better though. I do want to be nicer, more forgiving, more tolerant, more open. I want to be warmer. I do try to be it, I just don’t always succeed to remember to try.

So… your message has been very welcome and it really made my day.

But I also feel like I’m not there yet. I still have such a fucking long way to go until I get there.