#doperps

[text] I’ve been hiding under the bed for the past 20 minutes, and now they’re getting into it and it’s a little too late for me to jump out and surprise them. So expect live sex updates.

[text] Thanks, but you really don’t have to.[text] But I’m sure your other friends would love to get live sex tweets, so you can text them those.

[text] I am a responsible adult, I brought back a lost kitten and let it shit in your room.

[text] Why?[text] You cleaned it up, right?[text] Wait, I already know you probably didn’t.[text] Can you clean it up? I don’t want my room to smell like cat shit, thanks.

[text] IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS.

[text] I love you more than tacos.[text] Sometimes.[text] :)

[text] My night ended with me crying in a gutter, I hate you.

[TEXT]: I’m drunk and upset and I miss you.

[text] Uh, okay….[text] Do you wanna talk? I’ll be home in half an hour, so if we can if you want to.

[TEXT]: What else are you lying about?

[text] What was I lying about in the first place?[text] ??????[text] Sasha?[text] Did you text the right person?

[TEXT]: I chose you; it was only you.

[text] You know, I wanna believe you.[text] But after everything I don’t know if I can.

[TEXT - WRONG #]: you’re the one i love. not mitch.

[MSG:] This is your stupidest idea ever. No, wait, cheese pants was your stupidest idea ever. But this is close.

[text] First off, fuck you, cheese pants was a GREAT idea.[text] Second, how is making a giant cake at 11 at night a bad idea?[text] You’re not gonna stop me, and if I bring in any of it to work tomorrow, you’re not gonna have any of it.

[MSG:] My director walked in on me nailing his daughter. FML.

[text] You’re an idiot.[text] Are you fired yet? I’m surprised I haven’t heard this on the news.[text] Seriously, you’re a fucking idiot.

[MSG:] Not only did I find out my mom used to be the Keg Queen of her school, I also found out that if she hadn’t been drunk off her ass throughout grad school, I wouldn’t exist.

[text] And?[text] Your mom sounds awesome, though.[text] You love alcohol, so what’s the problem?[text] Now you can thank it for your existence.

[MSG:] I have pink band-aids all over me, WHAT HAPPENED?

[ text ] You sure it’s nothing more than that?

[text] Yeah?[text] She’s my lab partner, I’m not fucking her.[text] Why do you even care?

[ text ] Why did you text me? Did she stop replying?

[text] Chill out, will you?[text] First off, Sierra doesn’t even have service right now because she’s in France[text] Second, this isn’t some fucking competition[text] So again, chill, Alyssa.

[ text – WRONG # ] Whenever I see mitch with her, I want to scream.

[text] You can’t even tell me this to my face?[text] Some friend you’re being.

[ text – WRONG # ] The fact that mitch is with her right now is almost funny.  

[text] You left your facebook open on my computer and your ex messaged you.

[text] Did you see what for?[text] Because I really don’t know what she’d want.[text] You know I haven’t talked to her besides in class for months, Lyssa.[text] I really don’t know why she’d even message me, but I’m gonna have to check it out in case it’s something important.

[text] You butt dialed me last night and I heard you say you loved her.

[text] I’m sorry you had to listen to that.[text] I was kinda drunk, but....things are complicated right now.[text] I don’t love her anymore, but I think I was just drunk and sad last night.[text] I didn’t mean it, though. I swear I didn’t.[text] Call me?[text] Alyssa?

[text] I miss you