#dontletthishappenagain

Please pray for my home of Coral Springs and Parkland ... the tragedy that has happened today is so scary. You don't think it could ever happen to you or near you but when you're frantically trying to call your friends making sure they are safe and then watching their Snapchat stories and hearing from them talk about their peers, classmates and teachers dead in the hallways that they had to walk past just to get out of the hell that they were in. My city and friends will never be the same. As I write this the death toll is up to 17, now worse than columbine... something needs to change in the US because this can't keep happening. I don't know the official names of those who have died yet but I'm sure once those names are released I'm going to recognize quite a few of them... I'm scared to go to school tomorrow I'm afraid for my friends because they'll never forget what happened to them today.... and most of all I'm so so sad for the parents who have to now plan their children's funerals and for the families of the teachers killed... please don't forget what happened here today. Please pray

But this is what happen when you don’t take electing delegates seriously. The electoral college are the delegates of your state meaning; you have to elect them in general elections. That means that outside of the presidential election; that general election that most of us pass up & don’t vote for is how we got fucked up as a country. As minorities, and young ones at that, we don’t know much about politics. But guess who does? White America. They voted for republican electors. And once that happens your vote as a democrat doesn’t count. The electoral college is the true elector of the president. So remember to vote for general elections and primaries so that this type of blatant ignorance doesn’t repeat itself. Your vote does count, but just know how it counts and where to put it.

I’ve read all the blogs an stories about what happens to the people that cared about you when you commit suicide but there is a question I have. What if. What if you’re father was never there to watch his little girl or little bud to grow up? He never cared when you were alive why now when you’re gone. What if you’re mother was an alcoholic, drug abuser, low life or just plain didn’t give a damn and was more worried about her current “lovers” to bother with you. Hell what if she kept popping out kids and you were the one raising them because you were the oldest and the only one responsible enough to care for them... Yes of course they’ll miss you endlessly because you WERE THEIR PARENT. But what if they all got taken away? No you’re left alone. What if you don’t have a best friend whether it be due to home life, social anxieties or maybe everyone just doesn’t understand you and chooses to bully you for it... What then? Do you think they’ll actually care when now all you see on the news is kids, teenagers and young adults killing and beating one another over petty bullshit??? Do you honestly believe deep down in your very soul that they; the ones who gave you that black eye because you were being courteous an holding a door open or helping someone because you’re just that kind door mat people walk all over, would ever give a damn if you disappeared?... Tell me... Who wouldn’t stop and think “maybe I’m the problem”... What if at the end of every night you go to a place where you just sleep and eat at? That’s not a home. What if you can’t afford a therapist or psych or maybe you’re too terrified of being put on meds or them locking you up because the thoughts you have in your own mind in regards to yourself are so brutal and horrible that they would make a soldier cry... Tell me... What then?... When your best friend is either the wall, bed, mp3 player, internet and/or a video game. Who do you have? What if the people who do care decide it’s better to leave you alone because they their selves have things going on an they know how much you’re going through but not to what degree, so they decide not to trouble you an let you work it out yourself. How on earth can you believe that anyone, ANYONE cares for you...How... People stop saying how much they care for you... People who you believed beyond a shadow of a doubt loved and cared about you, throw you away like yesterdays news paper to better their self not batting an eye at the fact they’re crushing your very soul all the while doing whatever to make their selves feel better...... They, who were your friends, family, maybe even lover... They did the tango on what was left of your hope and now all you can hope for is that you are NEEDED. That you have some use to someone. But... What if... You don’t... You are then rendered useless, worthless, unwanted and unloved... Though those around you still say you are. But they don’t show it. You need proof now to justify your own existence... What if no one can offer you that proof? What if you, yourself, cannot find a reason to exist anymore?... That leaves the one answer you were praying to disprove... What if you can’t pull the trigger at the end of the day, what if you can’t kick that chair, cut that vain or swallow those pills... You sit there staring into the distance even though there is a wall there thinking to your self “I’m such a coward” or “What a failure, I can’t even kill myself”... So you decide that through cutting, drug abuse, alcoholism, anorexia, insomnia or hell just walking across the street without looking or decide no more seat belts is the way to go, in hopes that one day it’ll put you out of your misery because you have engraved into you heart, soul and even the essence of your being that you deserve this! But did you? Everyone can disprove your reasonings... Yet you still find a reason not to care about yourself anymore... What then can you do to help someone thats in this deep and dark of a place? You are already too damn late. Where were you when they decided to remove their self from the picture? You didn’t notice? Well you just prove their point. No one cared enough to notice... Even though you’re too late to help... Even though they don’t care about their selves anymore... They still...STILL... Love you...  They do what they do not to hurt you but because they tried calling out an no one answered so they decided to DISAPPEAR... And whats the easiest way to leave everyone’s life? Death... But look they didn’t... The few who did truly believed the world was a happier place without them... Those who stayed an destroy their selves do it as a punishment for EXISTING. Because at the end of the night they can’t make everyone happy! Sometimes the only reason they have for staying around is to make someone smile!!!!!! Yet people believe that the destruction is a way to hurt others, thats its for attention! NO. STOP. REREAD THIS!!!! Yes plenty of people do stupid things to get attention and I myself am a adult... And its too late for me. Yet I do have ones who care for me and a reason to exist... Yet I still find a multiple reasons why I don’t deserve to be around anymore... And I wish to this very day someone would’ve seen me crying at night or cared enough to tell me no an risk me hating them for the greater good.... I have quiet a few people who hate me because I NOTICED... I saw them removing their self an they hate me but you know what? They put that gun down an ripped up that last note... I’ve had a few talk to me years later and say only Thank you.... But you have to think.... What if that was me....