#don'tforgetme

This post is going to be a bit scatter brained, so I apologize in advance. So, having a lovely family history of bipolar disorder, which has been confirmed for me as well, a spiffy “Fractional Personality / Schizophrenia “ issue or 3 (nods to the Fellas in his head), and Rapid Cycling Manic Depression can make being in my own headspace kind of an interesting journey. Today has become one of those days I really abhor breathing.

Where are you in this world? What do you think about when you lay your head down to rest? Do I cross your mind? Do you think of her instead? I keep wondering about you, and then wondering why I wonder so much. Why was it so easy for you to say goodbye? Why do I keep asking myself the same questions? why?

I guess the real question is, why does it matter? Maybe because when I looked into your blue eyes I felt like my heart would explode. Or maybe It’s because you showed me a life that I had not seen before; a picture of what could be, but wouldn’t be with you. Couldn’t be with you. I knew it all along. We were worlds apart. Two perpendicular roads that would only cross once. Yet the crossing felt so detrimental. So purposeful. So important.

Can I regret the joys in agony of the pain? Can I keep pretending that we were like water and oil? How many times will I convince myself that we were too different just to make myself feel better about saying goodbye? Would it have felt different if I could have allowed myself to just feel what I was gifted and appreciated it for what it was, instead of trying so hard to protect myself from the inevitable destruction?

I tried so hard. So hard to feel less, to be stoic like you. Diplomacy has never been my strong suit; and to be objective about you was nearly impossible. You were just too good. Too wonderful. Too beautiful. Too much for my tender heart to handle. Like an angel that arrived in my time of need reminding me of what this life holds for those who hold on dearly, and to forget you now feels out of my reach.

I hope you don't’ forget me either. I hope you think of me and the love I had for you. I hope you remember how special you are always. And I hope you never forget that I’m always wondering, “Where are you now? Where are you now? Do you ever think of me in the quite, in the crowd?”