#doinfine

Like I've mentioned in the past, I, DoinFine, am always fronting. I've heard and seen many systems describe their head space with a chair for those who are fronting to sit in so we kinda think of it the same way. I'm always sitting in the chair.

I'm pretty sure that the source of my plurality is my inability to process emotions correctly (I'm still working on a post explaining this but it's difficult for me to understand and therefore hard to write about which just confirms my suspicions). Anyway, the other day I was feeling random negative emotions happening in the background. When I say background what that means is this: It feels like it's happening behind me. Like I was experiencing them next to me or outside of me. You know how you can hold emotions in different parts of your body? It's like that but the body part is next to you not attached to you. So I don't literally feel the tension I hold in my shoulders due to stress like it's next to my shoulders instead of in them, its that gut feeling that tells me that the tension in my shoulders is due to stress that I feel next to me. For me when I say background specifically, it feel like that previous statement with an added layer of white noise or static between the emotion and myself.

As of right now I do not have a visual head space beyond the chair. When experiencing this weird emotions I wanted to know what was happening so I was going to try and follow the feelings to a source. but I couldn't. I can't tell you why it felt this way it just made sense when I was feeling it: I felt like I was about to turn around in the chair. and with that realization I began to panic a little. I felt like system thing and people and emotions were happening behind me and all I had to do was turn around to see what was going on but my chair wouldn't move and my "head" wouldn't turn. Like I had been strapped to the chair.

This applies to more than just background feelings. I feel like when others are close to the front I want to look at them, or rather, acknowledge them completely but I can't because they're always just behind the chair.

The only time I felt like was anywhere but in the chair was when the kiddo was co-con. They like booted me from the chair or I was suddenly allowed to leave the chair I'm not sure. But If they ever come back to the front, I'm going to try "taking a look around" when I feel like I've been pushed off the chair.